A Demon called Cancer.

The days get dark, colliding into one another. 

The pain spreads in all places

I reach out.

I crawl out. 

It hurts. 

I fight this demon called Cancer. 

He is Ruthless. 

Evil.

A Tyrant. 

He wants my dreams.

He wants my sleep.

He wants my tomorrows. 

He wants my joys.

He wants my days. 

He wants my motherhood. 

He wants my peace.

He wants my marriage. 

He wants breath. 

I reach out.

I crawl out. 

It hurts. 

I crawled out today.

I crawled out to smell the flowers. 

I crawled out to feel the breeze against my skin.

I crawled out to taste, if only it was sweet. 

I crawled out to touch the blades of grass in my fingers. 

I crawled out to love, the sweetness of love. 

For that Smile, For Hope, For Laughter, For the sun hugging me close...I reach out.
Today, I reached out after a really hard weekend.
The hours seem to never end when you are hurting. Food tasted like metal. I couldn't drink anything, it all tasted so foul. I forced myself to eat, picking at food.
My body was weak. My heart raced, palpitating without rhythm. Bloated, thick, full of chemicals. Sweating, so much sweating.
Exhausted yet sleepless.

Today, I did the BEST I could. I so wanted to run. I also wanted to stay in bed.
I called a friend to help me.
I got 12 miles in, mostly walking. So grateful for each mile.  I did WHAT I COULD. I was able to embrace "The Lil Things" in a BIG way.
Grateful for what I COULD do, letting go of what I couldn't do.

"WEEEEEE" I think I tinkled a lil bit! 

The idea is to do the best you can. Don't give up. Don't let that demon have you. Keep Fighting.

Anita~

2Timothy 1:7 "For I know the plans for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. plans to give you hope and a future." 

My Streak, The Crim after Chemo

"You beat cancer by how you live, why you live and in the manner in which you live."  

"Oh, it looks like you have ran 14 Crims,  this is your 15th year...." I smiled at the guy at the Crim Expo and responded,, "I wouldn't be here like this if I wasn't on a streak!" Together we laughed as I took my bald head to get my bib!

A Running Streak. 

Sarah and Andrew Photo bombing us! What a great surprise!

At 5:45am I was fully dressed and confused on why my alarm never went off. Then it occurred to me, it was 5:45am, not 6am when I had planned to get up.

I wasn't racing it this year, I was just out to have fun.  I had chemo Wednesday and it was my bad one, Taxol with Carboplatin. I just wanted to be able to DO the Crim, whatever that looked like.

One day at a time is so cliche' but it has become my silent mantra. I was able to lace up,  line up and smile it up as I tucked into the corrals. I can't race but I can cheer others on, run slower and try to make the best out of where I am at today, stupid cancer.
I have gratitude for every mile.

Holly Runners! 

Andy, Lacey, Maryann, Andy J, Justin Jacqueline 

I gave my heart out there in Flint today. I ran a 10min/mi with all my heart. I LOVE this race. 10 miles through Flint. I was so happy to be able to run it after last weekends 50K. I was happy to be able to run it with cancer for that matter!
I love people. This is what feeds me energy, seeing everyone out there. Seeing my friends and making new ones. I laugh, I give "high fives", I cheer people on and soak up all the energy and good vibes I can.
But it catches up with me.

Andy caught me trying to hide behind my glasses sleeping on the way home. 

I could barely keep my eyes awake on the way home. All the symptoms from chemo were now creeping up. My belly was quirky, my mouth tasted like metal, I just wanted to get home and lay down.
I was down for almost 4 hours.

Sometimes I guess I need to be pinched to remind myself I have Cancer. I want to do all the things I used to be able to do, and today was a reminder that my body is in a battle of its own.
I have a hard time showing weakness. I wanted so badly to fit in with everyone, do what they were all doing, be part of something epic, and I was...It was just a little more work for me and it took a lot more out of me than I had anticipated.



Update: TOE-TALLY FINE!

Reconstruction, Chemo and Brown Nosing.
Monday: I met Dr. Hainer, Breast Reconstruction. Because I can wear a shirt that says "Front and Back"  it appears that I will have to have expanders for my reconstruction. Apparently, when I told him I just wanted to fill out my bra I have a lot more filling it in then I thought!
He didn't have any problems with me running MCM right before my surgery, this will be my last "Hoorah" when it comes to running this year, God willing.
Monday: Blood work and PA. My adorable PA looked at my toes from running Marquette 50K and asked to take a picture to show DR. Q. My toe was black, a significant blood blister was angry on the top of my toe.
Dr. Q came right in. He wouldn't even look at me. I tried to make jokes and laugh but he was NOT SMILING. "Are you mad at me?" I asked in my most pathetic voice.
"No, I am not mad, I am just very disappointed...."
"Oh my Gosh Dr Q, You clearly have children, you have said that to them too!" That's worse than being mad at me...."
He was NOT laughing.
"Anita, if this toe gets infected you can NOT have chemo Wednesday....."
Wednesday Chemo. "Its better to ask forgiveness than permission." So I came to chemo brown nosing. I bought balloons, Donuts from Holly Donut shop and my mother made me a sign. It had 3 pictures of me from Marquette and I thanked all the nurses, Dr Cotan and staff at my oncology office.
And I sat.….

It takes everything in me to snap a photo after chemo. I am useless. 

They would NOT access my port until Dr. Cotan looked at my stupid toe. I had 3 notes in my file over that toe.

Taxol affects your nerve endings in your fingers and toes. It is very common to have toenails lift and neuropathy. My toenails are showing signs of the Taxol, this blood blister is a precursor to my toenail lifting. 

After almost an hour he comes in. I plaster my biggest smile and before he can speak I say, "I brought you balloons and donuts, the BEST donuts around and we made you this...." I handed him the card mom made for me. And I waited.....
I couldn't see his face, it was hidden behind the cardstock, but I could see he was smiling. He couldn't say anything to encourage my race I just did, I was dying to know what he was thinking. But I saw him smiling. He really liked my card, mom laminated it too. He actually asked if he could hang it, I told him it was his. He said, "This is great, thank YOU..."
He looked at my toe, and I was getting chemo 10 minutes later! I did tell him I was running the Crim, but it was only 10 miles! He has gotten really good at smiling as a response.


Maybe I am a little irresponsible. Maybe I  should act like I have cancer more. Maybe I should allow my body to be miserable, my heart to be broken, my mind to go dark and just get through this whole cancer thing like fine china.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
I am not promised tomorrow. Everyday really is a gift. I want to live life with everything in me. You can still live life with cancer. You can still smile through the tears. You can continue to Dream. Continue to Fight. Continue to Love.

Anita~

Just let me be ME. Marquette 50k.

MARQUETTE 50k

SATURDAY AUGUST 17TH.5:30am 

ELEVATION: 3,237

START/FINISH: FORESTVILLE TRAILHEAD

5 PEAKS: SUGARCUBE, SUGARLOAF, TOP OF THE WORLD, BEARBACK & HOGBACK. 

CUT OFF TIME; 12 HOURS

GOAL: 8-10

“But they that wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

Waking up at 4:15am was a real struggle, my body was sluggish from my "PM" I had taken the night before.
I had all my clothes set out. I needed coffee, or at least the idea of coffee before I could even get the lights on. I knew taking the "PM" so late was going to be a mistake as I stumbled over myself.

I hoped as I dressed that the sky was dry of any more rain. I didn't have my hydration pack to carry anything extra. I discovered a small leak in the bladder of my hydration vest and left it all home, hoping a hand held would be enough.
For that matter I "hoped" for a lot.
My longest training run was 16 miles. I was very concerned for another 16 miles of technical trail.

"Much of the trail consists of moderate to difficult terrain, with significant climbs and technical areas.  According to Ultrarunning Magazine, the course is rated 3 out of 5 for Terrain ("Hilly"), and 4 out of 5 for Surface ("Trail with substancial rocks, roots and/or ruts")."

I was short lipped with the race. I never told my doctors. I knew they would tell me "NO". Race 31 miles up north on a technical trail in the middle of chemo? I knew the answer would be NO. 

I just couldn't emotionally handle being let down again. I just wanted to feel like "ME". I wanted to run. I wanted to sweat and have the feeling of freedom. Free from feeling this damn cancer. Free from Fears. Free from Weakness. Free from Pain uninvited. Everyday CANCER. Every night CANCER, I live it, I breath it, I just needed a break from it. Just let me be me. 

So I stuck my middle finger up at cancer and lined up with all the other ultra runners. I covered my bald head up with a hat Lydia bought my in Hawaii and squeezed in like I was no different than the rest of them running. F-Cancer, I was running with everything in me. 

But first, I prayed. "Dear God...…..keep me safe, give me stamina, give me your strength when I have none left, give me wisdom....." 

In the Dark

Everyone had headlamps or flashlights but me. I chose to run without one, utilizing everyone else's light. I had no pack to store my light, besides it would only be dark for about an hour. 

If I could run 4 miles an hour I could finish in 8 hours, that would be 15min/miles. That didn't include taking photos or aid stations and it definitely didn't include terrain that would unrunnable. 

I followed behind Claudia. It was as dark as the ace of spades. The single track switch backed though the woods, uphill. It took all my concentration to stay upright. I had a 4 point fall the first mile, scraping my leg on the sharp rocks. I jumped up quickly as dozens of runners were lined up behind me. "Get up Nita, stay up" 

At one point we lost the flags telling us we were on the right trail. The line of runners were blindly following Claudia, no one was in front of Claudia. It was hilarious. Everyone came to a complete stop. 40-50 runners scattered in the woods with headlamps all stopped. We found the trail again, I yelled "We HAVE FLAGS!" and we were off again laughing like a group fun run. 

The sun began to come up about 6:30. We were coming out of the woods as the sky was opening up. 

6:43am

It was spectacular. Pam C. was running behind me enjoying the views and even taking a picture for me. I had decided that I would take pictures of the entire race, enjoying every mile. 

This was the first loop, an 11 mile loop. 

Sugarcube: "Sugarloaf's nasty little sibling." 

This was my first peak. She might have been the little sister, but she was a stinker. 

9:11am 

That's is what I was thinking....call 911...this is crazy! You had to really look for the orange flags or another runner in front of you. I was "RIKING" Run/hiking. The rocks were the trail. 

9:22am

We were still climbing, the sun was getting warm quickly. 

9:22am

WE MADE IT! Our first peak! Sugarcube accomplished. 

SUGARLOAF: 

Sugarloaf consisted of mostly stairs. A LOT of stairs. I followed behind Claudia wondering when the stairs were going to end. It was a nice change of pace getting off the rooty trail and using different muscles.

9:47am

 

9:49am

Sugarloaf was a little scary! The climb was technical and very steep. The trail takes you to Lake Superior. It was breathtaking. The sky mirrored the lake, this baby blue with calming waters and peaceful skies. This is why I came out here to run. 

TOP OF THE WORLD

I was outside of the first loop, 11 miles. The second loop consisted of 3 more peaks. I had now ran farther that I had ran in months. I could feel the emotions billowing. I felt incredible. I was coming into 20 miles and my body was still a mystery to me. My knee was feeling the pivoting from the rocks but I was doing more than I had thought. I was still smiling, I was still thinking happy thoughts. I was full of gratitude and wonder. 

I

I enjoyed the river crossings, running when I could but "Riking" a lot. I didn't stay long at the aid stations. I would fill my handheld up, grab some pickles, watermelon and a roll-up, walking back to the trail. 

The Aid stations were full of choices. I was getting hungry. It felt great to eat and get my second wind as I headed out for my climb. 

On Top of the WORLD! Somewhere around 25 miles. 

BEARBACK 

The peaks were coming and going, I just kept knocking them off in my mind. My energy was overflowing. With every mile I accomplished rather than feeling the fatigue I felt encouraged. I just kept saying to myself, "I cant believe I can still run....Thank you God.." 

I had 2 more climbs. The runners were fewer and fewer around me. I had ran many miles now solo. As I started my climb up Bearback the sun was beating down on me. Sweat drenched my skin and dripped off my chin. I ascended up, just getting one foot in front of the other. Just when you thought you were at the top it went back up even more. I hear people cheering me on, "You are almost there..." I laughed when I got a better look and replied, "Easy for you to say, your not wearing a bib!" 

Behind me were 2 the climbs. One I had already ran, Sugarloaf and one I still had to conquer, Hogback. My mind took on a new wave of thoughts. I looked at my watch, looked at the time I had, the miles I had to run and started doing simple math. I had been toying with the idea of trying to come in around 8 hours. I had been managing my time really well with photos, aid stations, running and walking. I knew I just had a few more miles. I decided to go for it. To push myself just one more gear. I had to maintain a 15min/mi all the way in. 

HOGBACK: 

I had heard several runners already warn me for MILES how hard this peak was. It is extremely technical and steep not to mention at the back end of the race. 

OH but it felt so good to be challenged, to feel tired, sweaty, sore and even competitive. It really was some kind of wonderful. At this point quitting was not an option.

Technical?! The rise up the trail was no joke. It was over 80 degrees as we scaled upward. You couldn't see the top, it was daunting. I just followed the girls in front of me. When I didn't see them I looked for the orange flags. I had already passed so many runners as the trail had beaten them up. The rocks covered the mountain making footing near impossible. I had wore the Hokas that Rachel had bought me as a symbol of good luck and love. But even as tough as this shoe was it still couldn't protect my toes. I had banged my toes up pretty bad on the boulders and they were screaming at me. I caught up to the girls. I had heard the one gal in distress. my heart was broken for her. She was in tears. The trail was not runnable or walkable. I found myself on all fours climbing. Huge boulders toppled over each other. You had to get creative to weave forward. It was so steep in spots that you had to stay focused not to loose your footing and fall back down. 

Directly in front of me the one girl was trying to help the other girl. But she was scared, "I can't climb up, I don't trust my legs...." she cried. The other girl was scared to turn around to help her. "Here, let me get in front of you, follow my footing...." As I passed her, she did her best to follow until she got nervous of the treacherous path. I turned around, "Here, do you want me to pull you up? Grab my hand....". As I reached down and pulled her up I could feel her shaking. 

I moved forward coaxing them to follow me, but they fell behind. 

I thought I was never going to make it to the top. At the top, I was so humbled. I MADE IT!! Against the ODDS, I made it!

But the challenge was not over, I still had 3 miles down with terrible footing. I thought my toe was going to fall off. My quads were burning on the descend but I still felt strong. I looked at my watch and picked up the pace where I could. I was so close to making my 8 hour goal. 

I continued to pass runners. Each time encouraging them with "Great JOB, your doing great..." 

I could hear the finish line. 

Tears welled up. I could hardly swallow as the emotions erupted with humility. 

Crossing the finish line I was sobbing. The volunteers came to me, "Are you ok? Can I get you anything?" 

"No, thank you..." I mumbled. 

I had Finished. I ran, I hiked, I "riked", I climbed 31 miles. Triple negative breast cancer, 4 treatments of AC, 6 treatments of Taxol with 2 treatments of Carboplatin and I FINISHED. 

I conquered 5 peaks, over 3,000 feet of elevation in 82' weather....

I just wanted to crumble in gratitude. I am a NOBODY, I came from nothing and have nothing to offer and yet, GOD GAVE me this VICTORY. Undeserving, unequipped and yet HE loves me UNDENIABLY. 

Thank YOU for all the WONDERFUL messages, texts, love, and encourament. Thank YOU for CHOOSING to LOVE ME. 

GLORY TO GOD. 

ANITA~

RUN DEVIL RUN!

“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.” ~

Wednesdays Chemo is brought to you by all the RUNNING COMMUNITY that have sent me cards, encouragement, support, meals, miles and smiles.

Marly and Sheba. They were so cute together. 

I am Half way there!
I have now undergone 10 treatments. I have 6 more treatments to go, 6 Taxol 2 more Carboplatin.
Even with a hemoglobin of 12 I just barely snuck in for treatment Wednesday. My neutrophils was only 1.1. They have been as low as .8. But they really want them to be higher than 1.5.
NEUTROPHIL; a neutrophilic white blood cell.

I met with Dr. Q. After missing a treatment we are still on course for surgery. He did discuss that the blood counts are really affected by the Carboplatin. This we knew. Andy is going to need to give me shots of the Granix to keep my neutrophil (white blood) up. More shots!

My weight is holding at 104.5. 
I have now lost almost all my eyelashes and most of my eyebrows. My toes are showing signs of the Taxol, I have lost 1 1/2 toenails. 
Cancer can really ugly you up. Today, my cheeks were so red, Miah, Laceys daughter said I looked like I had too much blush on! 
Nail polish can't pretty my feet up. 
And the hair that is growing in, is sporadic and chaotic. My hair reminds me of the electric balls where the electricity makes your hair stand straight up and wild. 

I tried so hard to stay awake. I even entertained the idea of fighting the slump of Benadryl, but I lose that battle every time.  

My vampire, Deb took me back to only get my vitals. With the most genuine smile she asks, "So how many miles today?" I giggled, and whispered "I'm tapering, I only walked today, 2 miles." She looked confused so in a even lower voice I added "I am running a 50k this weekend, I am keeping it on the down low...." 

WAKING UP. 

I have no energy to speak or think. Mike K. said it best. His wife went through breast cancer and he has been a big encouragement me to me, I don't even think he knows this.  "You look calm...." 

This is me trying to wake up from my Benadryl hangover. Slumped. Bloated. Foggy. Void of emotions. Can't put sentences together. The couch becomes my crib. I just wait. I wait for this to fade out. Grateful for new days. 

If you are not careful you will feel this shadow lurking. You can't find its location but you know it is close, you can feel it. Your not sure how to describe its presence, friend or foe...

But you know he is pursuing you.  

He comes in closer, you are t0o tired to question his presence. He warmly wraps his body around you. You cozy up unaware of the darkness he embodies. You are so worn, so confused, the pain you battle has disillusioned you.

Until it is almost too late and for many, it is too late. As he embraces you tighter, you soberly recognize the embrace is not comforting, it is suffocating.

He is not friend. He is the enemy, wanting to devour you in your pain, in your weakness.  

The very thing you embrace, uncertainty and  hesitation will invite Darkness to own you. 

Do not dance with the devil. 

As inviting and warm as his touch is, you must fight with the zeal of a Zealot. 

I have felt his touch in my sadness. I wake up almost every day still unaware  this Cancer that has a hold on me. Somedays my fight is easy, and some days I am so weak, soo very weak.....

But RUN DEVIL RUN....

This is LOVE. "LOVE CONQUERS ALL" 

This weeks Cards, beautiful, Sentimental, Loving. I stay strong for reasons bigger than myself. 

When people believe in you, you are given another breath to breathe. Love breathes life into you. 

Special thanks to Gay F for the cozy blanket. Rebecca for the jammies and Jean for the amazing Edible arrangement.

MARQUETTE 50K. DREAM

Jeremiah 33:3 "Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not. " 

PLEASE keep me in prayer. Saturday I am going to attempt a 50k. I was signed up for a 50 mile but I have a couple more brain cells to not do that! 

By skipping a week of chemo it pushed everything back a week, allowing me to NOT have carboplatin. And by me getting a blood transfusion it raised my hemoglobin up higher than it has been in over a year, 12!. 

I am NOT racing this. I am taking my time, enjoying every mile of beauty and prepared to DNF if I feel at all concerned. 

This is a dream. A still believe in dreaming. I am NOT going to let Cancer rob me of my dreams. 

“Hope lies in dreams, in imagination, and in the courage of those who dare to make dreams into reality.” ~Jonas Salk

Run Devil Run...David Crowder. 

Anita

A Welcomed Tumble

Tammy sent me this card. Two simple words that are speaking volumes in my life right now.  My health has been a slow fade. The hardest part has been my hemoglobin being below 8. This causes me to not be able to breath, I can barely run 100m without having to stop, breath and get my heart rate down. Therefore, over the last few weeks I haven't ran that much at all. 

Wednesday, when I went to have my Chemo, they did a unscheduled blood draw through my port. Within minutes my nurse was dodging my eyes with my results in her hand. I knew the results were not good. She came back in to tell me Dr. Q,  didn't want me to get Chemo.
Thursday, I had to have my first blood transfusion. I was scared to death. Andy drove me to Beaumont but asked Rachel if she could stay with me. Holly my other girlfriend wanted to see me and I told her I would be about 8 hours getting a blood transfusion if she wanted to hang out.
Andy was there for a couple hours and the girls showed up. I had my own nurse and my own room. We had our own private party. We laughed, joked, played cards and tried not to get kicked out.
"What's in that blood?!" I laughed, making ridiculous jokes with the girls. We would catch "Nurse Jackie" giggling in the corner. "Nita, I can see your cards from the reflection off your head!" Holly teased. The look on my nurses face was priceless as she listened to us bantering back and forth. Nurse Jackie shook my hand as we were leaving and said "I can't remember the last time I was this entertained!"

 Rachel taught us a new game, SET. It was a mind bender. My chemo brain was about to explode. Skip Bo was much easier, A step up from "Go Fish" which is what I was about to recommend after having smoke come of my ears from trying to learn SET!

Add caption

 My first nurse, Maria did a great job with my port, it still hurts getting poked and as you can tell, I get real serious. I suck on sour chewy candy when they flush my port. The saline puts with horrific taste in your mouth and candy helps disguise the taste.

I am holding my new blood and a cup of coffee. I thought of Paula Gomez, when she came over she prayed with me. She prayed over the blood and over the medicine I  will be receiving. This prayer gave me more security. 

 Friday night, I RAN!! I wanted to test my body out from the transfusion. I told Andy I wanted to go on the trails, I haven't been on the trails in weeks. But I needed a trail system I could get out of fairly easy if I didn't have the strength. I chose Holdridge, West Loop.
I not only felt good enough to run without stopping every couple minutes to breath, I was able to run the HILLS. I ran in my new HOKA'S Rachel bought me. The blood gave me life. The very thing that scared me so bad was the same thing that had given me new life. I felt like a real trail runner when I fell, stumbled, tumbled  and rolled! I scraped myself up pretty good, Andy looked like he needed a blood transfusion he was so white! But I was back up and ready to keep going.

5 Miles!! Ya Hoo Bubbaloo! 

"I am both happy and sad at the same time and I am still trying to figure out how that could be" Stephen Chbosky

Every time I find myself getting sad, scared, discouraged or any type of negative emotion I am given twice the reasons to smile, laugh and love.
People say "Anita, you are so strong." I have discovered this week, I am only as strong as those that keep carrying me.
I have been lifted up by so many of you. I fall down, I collapsed under the weight of cancer and yet, I am being constantly lifted, prayed over, and held in the palm of His hands.
Some of you have wiped my tears, embraced me with hugs and posted my blog with support and love, Thank YOU~

Anita~

MOVING FORWARD, I will start where I left off. Next week will be Taxol only. 
I have no immune system right now. They are hoping my bone marrow will produce its own white blood cells. 
It was nice to not have Chemo for a week. But I really can't skip chemo, it pushes everything back. I had a week extra in there for recovery before my surgery, therefore everything is still as planned. 

A Bigger bump in the road.

"Last week I only ran 6 miles and I walked that, I don't understand." I whined in confusion to my PA.

Andy and I had to go to Royal Oak to get my labs drawn.

I had already had an emotional morning. I had ran my slowest 16 miles of my life. Half a mile from home I found myself crying going up hill. I felt so weak. My heart was pounding, I couldn't breath so I just walked and cried. "God do you still love me? Are we still good God?"
All this madness were screaming at me. My pain was a petri dish for every emotion of self doubt and grief imaginable.
I couldn't even find the gratitude for being capable of running 16 miles with this God forsaken cancer. I was in a slumber.

Thankful for this girl. She took such good care of me, never complained at our pace and encouraged me. "Thank you Lacey," I was so thankful for her being by my side. 

I was sad before I even got my blood work done.
Very gently my PA responded, "...it doesn't matter how much you are or are not running, the Carboplatin is doing this."
Her features were so soft, sympathetic. I had the same question over and over, I just couldn't comprehend my choice or maybe I was fighing the fact that I had to make a choice that really was already made for me.
She repeated herself again "You need a blood transfusion, your hemoglobin is a 7.8 and it is not going to come back up, if you don't get a blood transfusion  this week we can not give you chemo Wednesday...."
I actually like the idea of skipping the week, until she added "..taking the week off of chemo is not going to bring your numbers up, you get Carbo in 2 weeks and you will be even worse..."
So I didn't have a choice.
I felt my face getting warm as I swallowed hard trying so hard to stay strong.

I closed my eyes, gripped the table and just waited for it to be over. The nurse finished up "You are so beautiful..." She was so kind, I didn't feel beautiful, I felt like I had just aged 10 years. 

I just had 3 vials of blood drawn and now had to go to another lab and have more drawn.
I tried to process everything on our walk down to the lab. The tears started to fall.
I sat on the bench in anger and frustration. I didn't want to get poked again. I didn't want someone else's blood in me. I didn't want to sit at the hospital for 8 hours.
I Didn't want any of this. I felt so helpless. I couldn't stop the tears. The receptionist came over with a sweet smile and a box of Kleenex.
I was embarrassed of my weakness. I wanted to be strong and courageous but I was so far from that place it was a land foreign to me.
Waves of grief and sadness toppled me. The reality of this cancer had hit in me like a slap in the face.

Andy wrapped his arms around me, unable to fix this, just as helpless.

In the truck on the way home, I got a text from Kimberly, a friend of mine.  She reminded me she had made me dinner.
I had totally forgot.
"Ahh, God continues to comfort me in His perfect timing, He loves me so"
He never quits blessing me.

He has placed so much love and support to me. Unimaginable LOVE from so many.

"Anita, maybe we should get you on an antidepressant to help you..." Andy said concerned with my sadness.
"Andy, I have cancer, this SUCKS, I am going to have days that I cry, I get angry, this is where I am at, I think its allowed every now and again...." I defended myself.
"I know, but I am afraid that you are hiding your emotions from me, there is nothing wrong with getting on a antidepressant."
"God will supply for me, I just have to get on my knees more, he will provide what I am lacking, comfort, healing, security, strength....."

I am sad. I am wiping the tears from my eyes as I write. Dr. Sullivan wasn't lying when he said it was going to be the hardest marathon I have ever ran.
Oh, God it is so hard,
Breathe Anita Breathe.

Thank God for new days.

When I got to work Gina had a shot of Wheatgrass from Honcho sitting on my station and Elizabeth had a carrot cake muffin to go with it for me to go with it.
It put a smile on my face, not because I love the taste of freshly mowed lawn in my mouth but because I felt their love for me. The lil things.


Wednesday Dentist appointment and Chemo.
Thursday Blood transfusion at Beamount.

My Sister in Law Deb sent me this and so did her sister Kim! Neither of them knew the other one had sent me the SAME scripture! Psalms 56:8-13

⁸ Record my misery;
    list my tears on your scroll
    are they not in your record?
⁹ Then my enemies will turn back
    when I call for help.
    By this I will know that God is for me.

¹⁰ In God, whose word I praise,
    in the Lord, whose word I praise—
¹¹ in God I trust and am not afraid.
    What can man do to me?

¹² I am under vows to you, my God;
    I will present my thank offerings to you.
¹³ For you have delivered me from death
    and my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before God
    in the light of life.

I replace Enemies with Cancer. What can Cancer do to me?
With tear stained cheeks or a smile of sunshine, I am still digging in. Catching my breath and even in grief and hardship I will continue to praise God in the storm

Thank You Joe Burns, My new Favorite hat! 

Anita