A Bigger bump in the road.

"Last week I only ran 6 miles and I walked that, I don't understand." I whined in confusion to my PA.

Andy and I had to go to Royal Oak to get my labs drawn.

I had already had an emotional morning. I had ran my slowest 16 miles of my life. Half a mile from home I found myself crying going up hill. I felt so weak. My heart was pounding, I couldn't breath so I just walked and cried. "God do you still love me? Are we still good God?"
All this madness were screaming at me. My pain was a petri dish for every emotion of self doubt and grief imaginable.
I couldn't even find the gratitude for being capable of running 16 miles with this God forsaken cancer. I was in a slumber.

Thankful for this girl. She took such good care of me, never complained at our pace and encouraged me. "Thank you Lacey," I was so thankful for her being by my side. 

I was sad before I even got my blood work done.
Very gently my PA responded, "...it doesn't matter how much you are or are not running, the Carboplatin is doing this."
Her features were so soft, sympathetic. I had the same question over and over, I just couldn't comprehend my choice or maybe I was fighing the fact that I had to make a choice that really was already made for me.
She repeated herself again "You need a blood transfusion, your hemoglobin is a 7.8 and it is not going to come back up, if you don't get a blood transfusion  this week we can not give you chemo Wednesday...."
I actually like the idea of skipping the week, until she added "..taking the week off of chemo is not going to bring your numbers up, you get Carbo in 2 weeks and you will be even worse..."
So I didn't have a choice.
I felt my face getting warm as I swallowed hard trying so hard to stay strong.

I closed my eyes, gripped the table and just waited for it to be over. The nurse finished up "You are so beautiful..." She was so kind, I didn't feel beautiful, I felt like I had just aged 10 years. 

I just had 3 vials of blood drawn and now had to go to another lab and have more drawn.
I tried to process everything on our walk down to the lab. The tears started to fall.
I sat on the bench in anger and frustration. I didn't want to get poked again. I didn't want someone else's blood in me. I didn't want to sit at the hospital for 8 hours.
I Didn't want any of this. I felt so helpless. I couldn't stop the tears. The receptionist came over with a sweet smile and a box of Kleenex.
I was embarrassed of my weakness. I wanted to be strong and courageous but I was so far from that place it was a land foreign to me.
Waves of grief and sadness toppled me. The reality of this cancer had hit in me like a slap in the face.

Andy wrapped his arms around me, unable to fix this, just as helpless.

In the truck on the way home, I got a text from Kimberly, a friend of mine.  She reminded me she had made me dinner.
I had totally forgot.
"Ahh, God continues to comfort me in His perfect timing, He loves me so"
He never quits blessing me.

He has placed so much love and support to me. Unimaginable LOVE from so many.

"Anita, maybe we should get you on an antidepressant to help you..." Andy said concerned with my sadness.
"Andy, I have cancer, this SUCKS, I am going to have days that I cry, I get angry, this is where I am at, I think its allowed every now and again...." I defended myself.
"I know, but I am afraid that you are hiding your emotions from me, there is nothing wrong with getting on a antidepressant."
"God will supply for me, I just have to get on my knees more, he will provide what I am lacking, comfort, healing, security, strength....."

I am sad. I am wiping the tears from my eyes as I write. Dr. Sullivan wasn't lying when he said it was going to be the hardest marathon I have ever ran.
Oh, God it is so hard,
Breathe Anita Breathe.

Thank God for new days.

When I got to work Gina had a shot of Wheatgrass from Honcho sitting on my station and Elizabeth had a carrot cake muffin to go with it for me to go with it.
It put a smile on my face, not because I love the taste of freshly mowed lawn in my mouth but because I felt their love for me. The lil things.


Wednesday Dentist appointment and Chemo.
Thursday Blood transfusion at Beamount.

My Sister in Law Deb sent me this and so did her sister Kim! Neither of them knew the other one had sent me the SAME scripture! Psalms 56:8-13

⁸ Record my misery;
    list my tears on your scroll
    are they not in your record?
⁹ Then my enemies will turn back
    when I call for help.
    By this I will know that God is for me.

¹⁰ In God, whose word I praise,
    in the Lord, whose word I praise—
¹¹ in God I trust and am not afraid.
    What can man do to me?

¹² I am under vows to you, my God;
    I will present my thank offerings to you.
¹³ For you have delivered me from death
    and my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before God
    in the light of life.

I replace Enemies with Cancer. What can Cancer do to me?
With tear stained cheeks or a smile of sunshine, I am still digging in. Catching my breath and even in grief and hardship I will continue to praise God in the storm

Thank You Joe Burns, My new Favorite hat! 

Anita