Like I am not on the cusps of complete depression as it is.. I have to look at myself ever so often and deal with the visual of what stress does to the body.
Seriously, I work at a salon and desperately try to avoid looking at myself in the mirror. My skin has broke out - placing pimples in the middle of wrinkles is a cruel and evil joke. My grey hair has multiplied and I have skin that is just drooping off my bones. I look 10 years older. I don't even have a smile to try to manipulate the ugliness.
Ugh!
Mom and dad came home yesterday.
They stopped at my work and brought me a coffee from Tim Hortons.
I have not spoke to them since my big blow up at them and everyone that packed Ariel up last Friday. I am still deeply hurt.
It was an Ugly scene. I lost control and let 7 days of hurt and disappointments explode. I do not regret anything I said. I speak very open and honest. Sometimes people just push you and push you and know that you will just take it. But everyone has their limits.
I am upset because it made me really loose trust in people. It made me not trust the people I have always trusted.
It is a reminder of who I am and who I am not.
But it is also I reminder that I am HIS. And that is my Place. That is my Value. That is all that matters and I have to not put people where God should always be.
Even Andy is constantly mad at me. He wants me to just snap out of it. He wants me to be something I am not capable of right now. He gets mad at me everyday. It hurts to have your husband hang up on you because you are not the person he wants or needs.
COME ON?!
It had been 2 weeks and 1 day.... How can I be normal?? How can I be the person everyone wants me to be? My whole world has changed.
What happened to "Love is Patient Love is Kind"?
I do not know who I am right now. I just know this hurts and people are hurtful and I feel so alone.
Anita
Hang in there Anita. Find someone outside of this situation you can trust to talk to. Everyone deals with grief differently. Run, pray, eat & sleep. love you
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
DeleteThank you. I am hanging! sometimes I have a tight grip and sometimes I feel like I am hanging on by a thread. But I am Hanging.
I am thankful to be able to write. This is such therapy for me. I have been blessed by some special responses to my crazing rantings! It astounds me the people (like yourself) who have taken the time to respond and encourage me. Thank you! Anita
I had a class with Ariel this semester. I did not know her, but was very upset when I received the email that said the sweet girl who sat in front of me passed away. I came across your FB page when trying to find out more about her. That led me to your blog. I've been reading your posts as I think of Ariel every time I get into my car. My heart is broken for you and your family. I've said many prayers for you all from the moment I heard the news and continue to pray this day.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
DeleteYou are so sweet. That fact that you have taken the time to get to know her is such a blessing to me. She was simply incredible. I know I am suposed to say that because she was my niece but she was far far more than the average niece. She was special. To love an old lady Aunt the way she loved me was pretty spectacular! She always made ME feel like the special one.
Thank you for your special words.
Anita