Suffer now, success later.

"You think darkness is your ally. But you merely adopted the dark." Bane

 

I bundled up in my 3 wintery layers, favorite running vest and trail shoes. I packed my gym bag with an apple and threw my hydration vest on top. I was over an hour later than I wanted and rushing out the door would mean the inevitable return to the house for something I forgot, like my new Vo2 mask. 

Andy forgot to give me a Christmas present. It was an Elevation Training Mask. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, I laughed because I knew I would be crying later.

Layered up and ready to use my new training tool I headed to Holly Rec to run the Wilderness loop a couple times. 

As I put the mask over my face, I got tickled with a vision of Alec trying it on when Andy gave it to me on Christmas. Alec was doing push-ups, reciting popular Bane quotes from Batman. It was quite entertaining. 

I heard "You think darkness is your ally..." as I entered the trail. My footprints blazed the path with a smirk on my face as I hoped I wouldn't run into anyone with this goofy looking mask over my face. 

THE Mask: A Torture Tool 

September, I am running a race in Colorado, to prepare for the elevation and thinner air Andy bought me the mask. 

Not even 10 minutes into my run I was reciting my morning scripture, "I am your refuge and your strength..." because I was trying not to go into a full-blown panic attack. 

I couldn't get a full breath due to the restriction of air in the mask and it was at the easiest setting!  I have been training hills to prepare and I could barely run over a speed bump without walking with the mask on. 

My mind was racing, "How am I going to run over 5 more miles with this device strapped to my face?" 

I tried to calm myself down, even with my speaker cranking out my favorite tunes I could hear the desperation in my breathing. 

I wanted so badly to pull the mask off and toss it. I finally hit the first mile at almost 11 minutes. My mind was racing along with my heartrate as I began to make an endurance plan. I needed a plan or I would just quit. I knew I couldn't run the hills or I would never make it out of the woods alive.  I decided to go slow, walk the hills and try to stay calm. 

As I approached 2 miles, I could feel snot starting to drip in the mask, I had felt it but tried to ignore it as it rested on my lips, gross. I had to lift the mask and blow out my nose. Cold fresh air instantly filled my lungs like a lifeline. I felt like I was cheating and quickly put the mask back over my nose. I realized very quickly I needed to blow my nose again. I added to the plan more suffering, only once a mile would I blow my nose. 

As I came to mile 3, I knew I was on the struggle bus. I tried to run as fast as I could on the down hills because the hills were crushing me. I saw a man walking his dog and quickly tried to hide my mask because I looked like a weirdo. But a half a mile later I saw a lady snowshoeing and I didn't want to scare her, so I dropped the mask down and used that as a opportunity to blow another snot rocket. 

Mile 4 was pure agony, or I am a royal wuss. I felt like I was walking more than I was running. I couldn't get my heartrate to come down. It felt like when I had cancer and couldn't control my breathing. I tried to convince myself it was "good training". But then I felt like a masochist because I was in such agony. 

The one good thing about the mask was that it kept my face warm. I tried to think of all the positives. I coached myself into believing how benifial this would be for Run Rabbit Run. 

"SUFFER Now Anita for SUCCESS later." In my oxygen deprived brain I was pretty impressed with my new mantra. 

Almost to mile 5, I saw another hill and began whining as I saw a biker coming down. I grabbed the mask and yanked it under my chin. The guy was really nice and motioned me to keep moving up the hill. He had no idea I wanted to stop and let him pass in weakness, I forced a smile "Thank you, have fun" I faked cheerfulness. But then I got tickled at his response, "You too kiddo"! 

Out of site I quickly tugged the mask over my nose and giggled. 

"Kiddo" baa haa, not too bad for 49 years old! I haven't been called "Kiddo" in 20 years and I definitely didn't feel like a "Kiddo" in my agony. 

Mile 5 came with intensity. That last mile the trail had more traffic on it making it difficult to trudge through. I realized due to the mask I hadn't drank any water or eating anything all morning. 

I came up on a couple with 3 dogs. I saw them before they saw me making it easy to conceal my mask. I was more worried about the dogs freaking out on me with it on. But as soon as I pulled it up, I detected a problem, I couldn't hear my breathing and I wasn't winded. Cold air seeped into the mask, I reached my fingers up and noticed I lost my screen. I was bummed out, I put my fingers over the hole to continue suffering the last mile. My legs felt drained, I was so tired I tried to count my distance to distract me. But with my hand over my face, I made a turn, and my wobble sticks went in a different direction and down I went. I am always trying to find the silver lining and hidden behind the mask I smiled because my fall was cushioned by the snow, and I jumped up quickly to finish. 

Seeing the opening in the trail was like heaven opening up to welcome me home. I hit my watch and ripped that mask off. 

I went to my truck and joyfully tucked the "training tool" in my bag and started my watch for another 6 miles. 

WILDERNESS Trail 12.03 miles

• First 6 miles: 1:15
• Second 6 miles: 1:07
• Total time: 2:22:27
• Training effect: 4.7
• Average pace: 11:50
• Average heart rate: 140 
• Max heart rate: 165
• Elevation: 1,093
• Time in Heart Rate Zones: 
• *Zone 3: 40:02
• *Zone 4: 1:19:46
• *Zone 5: 10:19 
• Run Time: 2:04:18
• Walk time: 15:51
• Idle Time: 2:18
• Calories burned: 1,055

RUNDOWN: 

"I was wondering what would break first-your spirit...or your body" Bane

Running in the mask today triggered my running with cancer. I couldn't get control of my body. I struggled to control my heartrate, my breathing and even my energy escaped me. My thoughts were intense with fear as I felt myself on the edge of mayhem. I refused to quit. 

With snot dripping down my nose, my eyelashes frozen together, my lungs ready to burst, I refused to break. 

My spirit or my body? It's going to have to be my body. My body has been broken MANY times. I have had people try to break my spirit; I have even had people tell me it is good to be broken. But NO! Only the Lord has that power. 

My spirit or my body? My body is powered by His spirit in me. My Faith. My Trust. My Reverence to Him. My Hope. My Love. 

His Grace. His Mercy. 

Desperately seeking TRAINING tips FOR running in ELEVATION!! 

Has anyone else ran in a Elevation Mask? 

In Peace, Not Peices,

Anita~

 

Rest from War

 "Then the land had rest from war." 

TRUST: from ourselves

Saturday morning, I awoke to a quiet house but there was an unsettling chatter in my heart. 

With my eyes opened, I felt the tears warm on my cheeks, I tried to locate reality but stirred to confusion. 

I quietly snuck out of the bedroom seeking truth because I couldn't trust myself. 

I didn't trust my thoughts, my tears, or my confusion, all I knew was my heart was aching and I was grieving. 

I felt like I had wrestled all night long with grief, I dreamed of my grandma all night and she was alive. 

She was talking to me. I could see her; I could feel her, but I couldn't find her in actuality, and I missed her so much. 

December is a hard month for me, and many. The month of celebrating for so many is also a month of quiet grieving for me. 

TRUST: to others

A few weeks ago, my girlfriends and I went down to Detroit for a holiday event. We started out at Campus Martius to enjoy the city celebrations. 

We walked through an entrance with a security guard sitting behind a table. Us girls had just gotten our photo taken, and the security guard joined in our excitement. She wanted to see our photo and with laughter she commented how adorable we all looked together. 

BUT then she followed it up with "I don't have any close friends, I don't TRUST anyone."  Such a strong statement that made us all want to love on her all the more. 

Trust is invaluable. 

"Then the Land had rest from War." 

I have been reading in Joshua. Before I opened the word I prayed and asked the Lord to reveal His wisdom and understanding to me in the repetitive chapter I was in. 

The last few chapters I had read were composed of wars and land seized and it was a bit of a struggle to get through to be honest. Truth is without coffee I may have fallen asleep, just being honest! But then WOW! My pen was underlining, writing and downloading Gods insights into my heart. My thoughts were spinning as I related to the words of Caleb in the book of Joshua. 

"Nevertheless, my brethren who went up with me made the heart of the people melt with fear; but I followed the Lord my God fully."  14:8 Caleb to Joshua

"I am 85 years old today. I am still as strong today as I was in the day Moses sent me; as my strength was then, so my strength is now, for war and for going out and coming in."  14:10-11 Caleb in Faith to continue to fight believing that God would give the Land to the Israelites as The Lord had promised. 

 

"Perhaps the Lord will be with me, and I will drive them out as the Lord has spoken."  Caleb continues. 

* The Lord gave him the land because of his Faithfulness. 

*Fully following the Lord; In Faith

*The Lord provides strength to conquer more than our fears WITH faith. 

* Sometimes the land of our heart feels like it is constantly in battle. We are at war with ourselves, with others and struggle with who to trust. A war that hardly takes a breath. BUT through faithfulness the Lord provides the proper battles worth fighting for. He delivers not only victories in "those" battles but REST from them also. 

I have jumped in the battlefield, armored up and ready to fight but the war was NOT of God. Truth is when I battle using my faith, trusting God in the battles of life they may not always look like victory but there is PEACE and that is a place of REST. 

The land of my heart seeks rest from constant battling. We live in a battlefield. 

Today it was freezing out. 

I battled where I was going to run, outside in the cold or around and around inside at the track. 

I battled getting to the gym and trying not to make a production of my run. But I prayed before I even had my shoes laced up for the Lord to give me the kind of strength Caleb had at 85.  

Our battles are not always about conflict with others, often times for me it is my internal conflict. 

It is learning to trust myself or like the security guard learning to trust others, that is always a battle. 

Just because people don't necessarily look like they are in a battle doesn't mean the land of their heart is restful. 

As we go through this holiday let us give grace to others, extending compassion and love.  Let us remember the power of a smile, the gift of a kind word. I pray that you find REST in this season.

I would encourage you to read Joshua. This book has encouraged me to fight the good fight with The Lords strength and perseverance.  "Fear Not". 

In peace, not pieces,  

Anita~

 

In my Fear

 "Thus far you shall come, but no farther..." Job 38:11

Is it fear that drives you? 

It does me, when it comes to stepping out of my comfort zone. 

A couple weeks ago, maybe a few now I signed up for a race WAY OUT of my comfort zone. 

Run Rabbit Run 50 out in Colorado. I had my eye on this race all year, knowing it would be like nothing I had ever done. The elevation, the terrain and the weather would all be out of my elements. 

There is something about that, that just scares me. Just being honest. 

In that fear, is where I find my weakness.

In that fear, is where I find my shortcomings. 

In my fear, is where I find my deficiencies. 

In my fear, is where I find my fragility. 

In my fear, is where I find my powerlessness. 

For my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

And I love that place. 

 For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10

In my fear, I push myself afraid of failure. I can accept failure. However, I cannot accept not putting in the work to prevent it. 

JOB 38:11

Today was day three of hard workouts, today was probably one of the hardest running workouts I have done in a while. 

As I reached the top of another God forsaken hill I could hardly breath, think, or make it to the top when I hear "Thus far you shall come but no farther." 

"What? what does that mean?" I winced in agony trying not to collapse. Joe repeated it at the top looking fresh as a daisy while Rachel and I were still contemplating another loop of suffering. 

"Job 38:11" Joe said with a smirk. Rachel and I looked at each other quite shocked that Joe flippantly spouted off this scripture. 

I figured out it meant that was the end of the first loop of our suffering.  While it was taken out of context, I did figure it out!

The top photo is this mornings run in total, Rachels Garmin. 
Bottom left is mine along with my fun run with Andy tonight! 
Bottom right is about the only flat we ran this morning, I was able to take it because I wasn't dying!

HILLS

Hills are my nemesis. I am terrible at running them. My weak link, next to running in the snow.  

I did a lot of praying on the second loop. The three of us ran individually towards the end, each one of us doing our own thing to the end.  Next to praying I continued to remind myself of the elevation I needed to train for Run Rabbit Run in September. 

RUN RABBIT RUN

"The 50 mile race starts bright and early at 6 AM at the Steamboat Springs ski area (elevation, 6,900 feet) on Saturday, September 16th 2023 and proceeds up, up, up to Mount Werner (elevation, 10,568 feet) then goes up and down and up and down some more and then across the Continental Divide to Rabbit Ears Mountain (elevation, 10,500 feet) before heading back and way down to the ski area."

Back to FEAR. 

I am no spring chicken; truth is I am turning 49 this month. Training at this point I feel like fine china.  

I am working doubly as hard to just maintain. 

When I got in the car after running 2 loops, almost 12 miles I was stoked! I DID the hard stuff today. I did it scared and excited and wrapped up in fear and faith. 

I praised God for the strength He gave me. I praised God for the perseverance He provided me. 

I couldn't stop smiling. I went into it so nervous, and I came out of it accomplished. 

Not by my strength, my power, my talent, but by His power through me. 

Fear can drive us.

Fear can lead us.

BUT FEAR DOESN'T HAVE TO OWN US. 

In Peace, Not Pieces, 

Anita~

"Remember this"

 "You cannot keep people from rejecting you. But you can keep rejections from enraging you." Max Lucado. 

My afternoon appointment cheerfully arrived early. "Jack" is the name I will use to protect him. Jack is 16 at 6'4, tall, slender, loves hockey, athletic and one of my favorites. I have been cutting Jacks hair for a few years now. When he talks he looks directly into your eyes, into your heart with a gentle and excitable character. His parents are divorced, and he lives with his mother.  His mom is beautiful, trying desperately to be a good mother and she is. I fell in love with him the first time I met him, the way he talked about his little brother was so endearing. I could tell his heart was soft, vulnerable, precious. 

Jack comes in towering over me with a genuine welcome that makes me even feel special and I think, "This is my job". 

"HELLO, Jack! How are you?" I look up at him and his smile melts my heart. 

He shares his joys with me, "Hey! I am back on the ice..." 

And we talk about that as I wash his hair, all the little details, because it's always the little things. 

BUT THEN, I bring up those little things from his last appointments, I ask questions. The hard questions, the painful questions, the questions that no one really asks. 

Jacks story is similar to mine. 

Broken.

Painful. 

hurtful. 

A father who struggles and a son who is damaged in his father's pain. 

And Jack talks, and talks, his face is getting redder, "I wouldn't go to his "F-ing grave if he died..." He cried. Like we were the only two in all of the world, he shared his deepest hurts. I knew he was sharing things for the first time and he knew I was safe. I set my scissors down and wrapped my arms around him, "cry, cry, be angry, be mad, be hurt, feel it all, but don't let that anger conquer you...." 

"And remember this, life will make you Bitter or life will make you Better, don't let it make you bitter, don't give it that power...." 

He shared so much more. I shared a small chapter of my story with him, he never thought I had that kind of ugly. "Jack, there are gonna be dark days, I am sorry, there are going to be days that feel like they are never gonna to end, days when everyone feels like they are against you, days when you feel like no one understands, Please Pause. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is truly by the grace of God I carry no bitterness or resentment for the petri dish of chaos, addiction and disfunction I grew up in.  

The truth is they were broken and hurting people themselves. I would give almost anything to hold my mother and tell her "I forgive you mom, I love you so much, you are amazing." If I could just tell her how beautiful she was, how special she was, how valuable she was, If I could just touch her, it never goes away. No bitterness, no anger, just love, so much love for my mother and father. 

Love covers all. Trust me, only the Love of the Lord could soften the heart of a child who lived in addiction, foster homes and abuse.  The Lord redeems and recovers. 

5 thoughts about addiction:

1. WORDS HURT: "Jack" kept reciting the words his father spoke over him, they haunted him, they broke him, they screamed at him tearing his innocence away. 
2. Is your own self growth abandoned waiting for others to change? Don't make others your excuse to get healing and growth. 
3. You do not have to go to every argument your invited to. Learn to walk away. Arguing with addiction, no one comes out uninjured. 
4. Detachment: I do not get mad and I do not get had. Learn to love with boundaries. 
5. Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until its faced. 

We should be reminded that it is healthy to react to life's pains, acknowledgment is the direct opposite of denial. 

"Love suffers long and is kind, love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil." Phil 2:14-15.

ABOVE all LOVE.  

RUNDOWN: 

Love does not get bitter. Wounded, hurt, and mistreated it might be, but love will always forgive.  

Sunday: 4 miles GAC

Monday: 7 miles Holdridge

Wednesday: 4miles, strength, row

Thursday: 9mi 

My miles are down but I am embracing it because there are some exciting things for next year. 

BIG SMILES....!! 

In Peace not Pieces, 

Anita~

Danielle and I ran at Kensington today~

Flexibility over Fear

 

"Strength doesn't come from what you can do, it comes from conquering the things you once thought you couldn't." Trisha Drobeck, Elite Marathoner

When I was younger, much younger I could flip, dip and twist my body in all positions. I was like a human pipe cleaner, very flexible. 

Now, I am older, much older and my body doesn't contort or bend in those ways anymore without significant injury, pain or grief. 

This year is the first year I am a mother-in-love. I am experiencing a lot of change. I am trying to figure out how to be a mom to a new daughter, trying to be a different mom to my now married son and how to do life a little different. 

I was given the advice by several clients before the wedding to "Smile and wear beige".  I didn't know what this meant. It means be kind, and blend in. Don't make a fuss. I was for sure going to mess this up, I am great at smiling but terrible at being meek.  

So now the holidays are upon us and I am learning how to be flexible all over again, only my body is not contorted into a pretzel. 

And the truth is I am doing it with grace and excitement. 

It's like the running a trail race, you cannot pinpoint your exact time and pace because you don't know the conditions of the trail. But if you are flexible, trained and somewhat prepared you will have a successful outcome. Of course, a good attitude and removing expectations help too. 

So when my son called to tell us he wouldn't be having Thanksgiving with us I PAUSED. 

The pause was the best thing I have done in a long time. And in that short time my mind was racing! I was praying, I was seeking Godly counsel and wanting to pass this test as honoring to the Lord as I could. When I gently responded (not reacted) we had great conversation that shared grace, love and flexibility. My son was very thoughtful of my emotions allowing grace to win. 

Next year I want to be even more flexible.  I am already looking at 2023 with new goals, new ideas and excited to see where the Lord leads me. 

"Strength doesn't come from what you can do, it comes from conquering the things you once thought you couldn't." Trisha Drobeck, Elite Marathoner

RUNDOWN: Changing it up. 

So, this year I did a Turkey trot with my new daughter on Thanksgiving. A trail trot at Stoney Creek by Move-it-Fitness. Another great race by an incredible race director. 

It was Shelbys first race!! Andy Austin made it to see her finish! It was the sweetest thing. 

And if that wasn't enough change, I registered for a race on Black Friday, which was a first for me too! 

For over 20 years I have Black Friday shopped, but this year I drove by myself to run a race by myself. 

FEAR of FAILURE: Black Toenail 1/2 Marathon. 

Before I left for the race Andy yells "Sub 2 hour". I knew that was a 9min/mi. 

My nerves shook, "NO WAY "was the first thing out of my mouth! 

I started thinking of every excuse for why that was no possible. 

THE LIES I narrated. 

"I haven't trained that kind of speed on the trails."

"I still have a nagging injury."

"I can't."

"I can't."

But the truth is I was afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of the pain. Afraid of disappointment. 

I took off in the back of the pack excited to play in the woods. Not a cloud in the sky, we all fought for our spot on the trail.

I tucked in trying to keep pace but boldly started making my move, "On your left" I shouted as I began passing runners. 

I shadowed a gal who was running strong for about 3 miles then she broke ahead of me cutting in and out of other runners. 

I found another guy and stayed on his heals trying to keep pace with him. He was running great as we made the first loop, we headed back out for our second loop. I wanted to pick up my pace for the second half and it felt like he did too until he tripped and fell. I made sure he was good and let him get back in front of me. With the temps warming up, his pace picking up and his tumble, he abruptly jumped off the trail. I asked if he was "OK" and he replied, "my quads cramping". 

There was nothing I could do so I quickly took off. 

I was thanking God for my last 9 miles and counting my miles down. I was running a negative split but I never looked at my time. I knew my first 7 miles I was averaging 9:15min/miles but I still didn't believe I could run a sub 2 hour. 

I believed it so much I never even prayed to achieve it. BUT I did pray for the Lord to give me strength and protection. To make me swift. 

By mile 10, I was passing more runners and I see the gal I tried to stay with at the beginning. I came up on her and laughed, "Girl, it has taken me 7 miles to catch back up to you, STAY in FRONT of me!"

She was startled that I didn't just pass her but she stayed behind me. 

We made a turn and headed uphill. I repeated myself, "GET in FRONT of me, YOU got this." I moved over and she came up, taking the lead. "YOU got this, ON your TOES, GO GO!" I cheered her on. She yelled "Thank you coach" and I watched that hair swing back and forth putting distance between us. 

And I smiled. I was out of breath, but I was so happy. 

I had 2 miles and was trying to hold a sub 8:45min/mi. I literally felt like there was no blood left in my legs or air left in my lungs. 

I crossed the finish line with nothing left in the tank. When I stopped my watch, I was shocked, 1:59:29! Now that wasn't official, but I knew it was close. 

My official actually had me at 1:58:40.55 

Andy the real shocker was I took first place in my age group! Glory to God. 

Fear, funny this thing called fear. When you get intimate with your fears you can really learn a lot about yourself. The truth is it is better to FAIL trying then to never try and never learn. The greatest lesson is always in the victory of OVERCOMING fear not necessarily in the fear of the obstacle or circumstance. 

Just own it then overcome it with honesty and understanding. There is no shame in having fears. We all have them; the real truth lies in the "WHY". And that journey to discover is where all the power is. 

Turned out I saw some friends I knew at both races! My sweet Tina and her chivalrous husband Sean were in their infamous matching attire, always looking picture perfect! 

I have registered for 2 races for next year...Change is coming! Let the adventure begin! Till next time, 

 In Peace, Not Pieces,

Anita

Settle my Soul

 

Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you. 

2 Thess 3:16

I have these moments I just want to run. I am not sure if I am running from something or to something. I am just sensory overloaded.  

Today, was one of those days. My mind was getting the best of me and I was struggling to tune out the chatter.  

I just wanted to find that place of silence, I wanted to hear the autumn breeze rustling the leaves, I wanted to hear my breath and feel my heartbeat. 

I wanted to feel empty. 

Depleted.

I wanted to be in that place of belonging. 

The place my soul speaks in the audience of ONE. 

I needed that sacred moment of silence to hear His words settle my soul and calm my spirit. 

My spirit called me outside to breath in His Glory, His Grace. 

I Ran. 

Outside, I felt the blistering wind try to cut through me, but I ran harder. Today, was my third day in a row running and the best my legs have felt in a long time. 

After a couple miles, I decided to GO FOR IT. I knew it was the Lord. I committed to running on His strength without fear. 

I wanted to run 10 miles sub 9min/mi. 

I haven't run this distance and pace for a while, ultra-running has you going long and slow. 

No Fear. 

His Strength. 

Every mile I heard the beep of my watch and praised God. 

I was running up and down the hills on N.Holly road and hitting my goal pace. 

When I got to 5 miles to turn around, I decided to go farther, another 1/2 a mile for a total of 11 miles. 

I turned around and headed up hill and felt the wind blow me sideways. 

Rise up girl, don't get discouraged. 

I picked up my pace concerned I was slowing down. I was running on about 2 feet of the road. The shoulder was snow covered and icy, running on the road was actually the safest option. As the cars came towards me, I would wave hoping they would give me grace and move over. 

At the top of a very large hill, with a blind spot, the traffic got heavy leaving me no place to run and nowhere for the cars to move over, I hugged the curb as far as I could trying to keep pace and not slip-on ice, but it was of no avail. My heart was racing trying to not get hit and I tripped over a patch of ice falling hard. I threw my left hand out in hopes to break my fall but the road ripped across my hands and legs. Cars were coming in all directions as I jumped quickly to my feet trying not to get hit. 

Like I had a turbo boost in me, I couldn't believe how quick I sprung to my feet. 

I didn't miss a beat, my adrenaline was pumping, my heart was racing, and I managed to keep my pace! 

I finished my 11 miles. My gloves have a few more holes but I DID it! 

There is a strength that only vulnerability knows. 

Today, there was a fear. maybe even a few fears. 

It's the Unknown. 

The Uncertain. 

The Mystery of the Undetermined Ending. 

Roughly 10 out from running 50 miles, my body has forgiven me and the Lord has redeemed me, granting me todays run. 

As I fell just a few feet from cars coming at me I couldn't stop smiling. Today wasn't the day that the Lord wanted me home.  

I giggled at what plans He still has for me. 

I praised Him for a good run, thanking him for His strength in me. 

Grateful He hears my soul cry out to Him, my passions and the desires of my heart. 

Today as I ran, my thoughts settled, the noise disappeared, and I could feel Gods tender touch calm my soul. 

Rundown: 

I texted Andy right after I finished, and he always encourages me. 

• Average heart rate: 150! 
• Average cadence: 184
• Maximum Elevation: 1,122ft

I am running the Turkey Trail Trot with my daughter Shelby on Thanksgiving! I am just so excited! Our first race together!

I may have bought a costume... Gobble Gobble!

In Peace not Pieces, 

Anita~

Understanding but not Necessary

"Your being emotional, it's understanding but unnecessary." 

Sherlock Holmes

If we have been in this world long enough, we have learned how to have thick skin.

I laughed as my brother and I played phone tag this morning, back and forth we missed each other's calls. 

The truth is when we finally connected to do our morning banter his carefree spirit turned dark. 

The f-bomb ejected through the phone and connected with some more colorful language. It's my big brother so I do what I always do, laugh. Big brothers are great at making you laugh or cry. I am usually laughing. 

Bobby barks "This f#@* idiot flew by me and look, now there he is directly in front of me, %$#@ I want to just tap his bumper and tell him 'Oops I'm sorry, I'm in a hurry.' " 

I was laughing a lot, probably even provoking my brother, it's the little sister in me.  He calmed down, I thanked God I don't drive in Florida with him because I am SURE he would have tapped my bumper! 

"Your being emotional, it's understanding but unnecessary." 

This is the scene that had me grabbing for the remote. 

I am not a TV watcher. But last week I decided to fold laundry and watch Evola Holmes, the story of Sherlock Holmes little sister. 

There is a scene Evola is upset and crying because her mother went missing. Sherlock sits very permissive under the tree and calmy responds to her emotional outrage with the above quote. 

I quickly look for the remote, frantically trying to rewind it and listen to it again, and again, and again with a pen. 

OHH LORD this spoke volumes to me!! 

That passion erupts from me all the time! 

My brother too! 

When I am happy, when I am hurt, when I am mad, when I am telling a story, I am animated, elevated and enthusiastic. 

I am also quite annoying! 

BUT Sherlock continues....

"Be tough, not because you're looking to be someone, rather because you're looking for yourself." 

WHERE'S THE REMOTE?! 

Oh Sherlock, I am in love! You are speaking sweet nothings to me. 

In my emotions, I find myself clenching my fists, straightening my back and ready to get in the ring. I have my gloves on ready to go another round. 

Hyper.

High-strung.

But often times, I curl up crying asking the Lord to protect me, control me and save me from myself. 

I want to puff up my broken heart and defend myself. I want to communicate my truth, I want to submit my disagreement. 

Thats what we do. 

I want to toughen up, stand up for myself, defend myself, I want to scream, I want to yell and shake my fist at the haters. 

Slow your roll sister. 

Get a grip. 

*Be tough enough to control those wild and reckless emotions. Because while they are understanding they are unnecessary. 

But I have nothing to prove to anyone but MYSELF. 

Being tough should be a way to be strong enough to discover your "WHY". 

Be tough to do the self-inventory. 

Be tough in yourself to forgive. 

Be tough in yourself to be confident in your worth. 

Be tough in yourself that you don't hurt someone else in YOUR hurt.  

Being silent isn't a weakness. It is a strength under control. 

 

I write the things I am working on. These are often not areas I have conquered usually they have conquered me and I am STILL TRYING. 

Somedays I get it. Other days they get me. 

RUNDOWN: 

Miles November 7th-13th=69miles

Wednesday: GAC, 4 miles run, Strength and rowing

Thursday: 11 miles

Andy and I drove down to Illinois to help pace a friend of ours. We drove with Sarah to Tunnel Hill to help him achieve his 100 mile goal. Sarah paced 50 miles during the day and I paced through the night. Andy joined for 16 of the 51 miles I did. 

I have been blessed to have many people cheer me on, pace me and crew me. But I LOVE taking my bib off and helping someone else achieve their goal. 

Congrats to Sean C and Michelle H out there at Tunnel Hill! 

In Peace, not Pieces, 

Anita~

• My name is Enola, which backwards spells alone. To be a Holmes you must find your own path. ...

I HATE you.

 "He gives strength to the weary and increases power to the weak." Isaiah 40:29

Andys Aunt Lois sent me a rock of inspiration every treatment. 

3 years later...

This week, I have sent out cards, text messages, sent the rest of my scarves out and shared tears with those struggling with cancer, the family members or those who are scared they are walking into this journey. 

I have run to support the devastation you reaped. I have stuck my middle finger at you this week watching so many dissembled by your visit. I have sent flowers and read many messages of hope and hurt.  

I have prayed, cried and felt the darkness creep into my safe place. 

I HATE you cancer. 

• I hate that you are so misunderstood. 
• I hate that you are misdiagnosed. 
• I hate that you are misjudged. 
• I hate that you are misdirected. 
• I hate that you are misleading. 
• I hate that you are mistaken. 
• I hate you. 

I HATE YOU, 

Dr. Cotant stays so positive as he congratulated me a few weeks ago on my 3 years. But as I walk through the familiar doors that I did 2 times a week for months it still feels like home. I walk in with more than a smile and cookies, I am walking in with color in my cheeks, with hair on my head, with eyebrows and life. And I see those patients in the reclining chairs, pale, sick, and hooked up to hope burning through their veins. 

And I smile harder looking at them, hoping they could see more than my eyes as my smile is hidden behind a mask. I want them to see my heart. 

I am trying to not go off the deep end my heart hurts so bad for them. 

1st haircut for my first treatment. 

This week I scrambled through the house looking for my prescription for my pancreas screening. 

That stupid brca1 gene of mine. I have to get my pancreas scanned every year.  

• 3 years later I am still getting screenings. 
• 3 years later I have longer hair than I have had in 4 years, and I am about to cut it off!
• 3 years later I still have not gotten my muscle mass back. 
• 3 years later my memory still rides on the struggle bus. 
• 3 years later my scars are fading. 
• 3 years later those new boobies are beginning to relax and drop a bit.
• 3 years later I have paid all my bills, minus the one that just went to the creditor we missed! OOPS. 
• 3 years later I still believe cancer recreated me, softened me, grew me, delivered me. 
• 3 years later I still HATE cancer. 

I don't HATE what cancer did to me. Honestly, I am grateful for the journey cancer took me on. But

• I HATE the hurt it does to others. 
• I Hate to see the devastation. 
• I Hate to see families broken. 
• I Hate to see the hopelessness. 
• I Hate to see the fear. 
• I Hate to hear the whispers of judgment. 

RUNDOWN: 

Tomorrow Andy and I are going with Sarah heading 9 hours away to crew a friend of ours hoping to get his first 100-mile belt buckle! 

Tunnel Hill here we come! 

Andy and I will be crewing together during the day, and I will be running with him during the night while Sarah and Andy crew us through the night. 

I have been very blessed to have the others crew me and encourage me and I look forward to do the same! 

Me smiling...before I threw my back out! 

I went back to the gym this week and threw my back out, praying it heals up to run all night long, about 50 miles! 

Hot mess express!

• "Cancer: don't count the days, make the days count. "
• "And if cancer comes back, I'll keep fighting. "
• We can't control what life brings us, but we can control our response to it. 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound. I am saved by his Grace. 

It was never in my strength. 

It was never my will. 

It was never my power.

It was never me. 

But His power through me. 

In Peace, not Pieces, 

Anita~

Show up with a Smile

"It doesn't matter who hurt you, or broke you down, what matters is who made you smile again."

Being in extrovert is easy for me but hard for others to be around me. 

"She's a lot"

"Oh! Not her again..." 

"What Anita doesn't have in height she makes up for in volume."  

I love life and I love people. Some of life is hard and some people are challenging but LOVE covers all. 

When I was 11 my dad died. Damn addiction left me fatherless. I didn't have a lot my father left me, truth is I didn't have anything but a duplicate freckle on my lip and a little 2-inch teddy bear my father bought me at a gas station right before he died. I took that little bear to high school and put it in my locker to look at every time I opened my locker. It reminded that my father was looking after me. It made me SMILE to see that little bear. 

One day it was gone. I lost it at school. I was a shattered mess. I had nothing, no photos, no gifts, no memorabilia, and I was sobbing through the halls. 

I very vividly remember one of my friends saying, "Anita, I never saw you like this, you are always smiling...." 

Those words have stuck with me for years. 

Thats what I do. I show up smiling. 

Saturday, I showed up smiling.  When I got through cancer, I made a commitment to GIVE BACK. I showed up in Waterford at Dixie Hwy near Hatchery to run to Detroit medical center for McKennas Squad. To raise money for kids with cancer. 

I remember when they told me at 45, I had cancer. I was so confused on how I could get cancer so young. Going through treatment was hard, showing up with a smile was hard but the thought of children going through cancer is unfathomable. 

So young, unexperienced, innocent and blameless. 

I showed up with a smile. We ran all the way to Detroit down Dixie Hwy to Woodward. From Waterford through West Bloomfield Royal Oak, Ferndale, Highland Park to Detroit.  

I smiled. I smiled for a cause bigger than my own. 

I smiled when we were flipped off running down the road because we had no sidewalks, I smiled when we saw our crew bring us food and water, I smiled when I crossed 6 lanes of traffic for Avon Donuts, I smiled when we ran through the sketchy part of the city, I smiled. 

31 miles and over 7 hours. 

SHOW up with a smile. 

Joan and I!! 

It really is that simple. Its vulnerable but is a compassion that opens your heart to others. 

A smile is free therapy for both you and others. 

A smile doesn't mean you're happy and have it all together, for me it means I am trying. 

Life gives us so many reasons to cry, scream and fall apart but a smile shows life sometimes we are falling into place. 

"I have many problems in life. But my lips don't know that. They always smile." Charlie Chaplin

Today, I woke up so sore, so tired and not feeling really well. I had committed to run again. 

I had run the 50K Saturday and Sunday I ran with Joan Clarkston Backroads half marathon. This is our race in honor of Ariel, my precious niece who passed away 10 years ago. It is very special to us and this year we were excited to run it after 3 years of cancer, covid and kiddos. I showed up smiling but by mile 10 my body was SCREAMING! 

This morning with my body angry at me I showed up again smiling for another 10 miles. I laughed at the idea of this being a "TAPER". Over 50 miles in 3 days, keep smiling Anita, you weirdo!

I figure if I smile enough maybe I will convince myself I am not sore, not tired, not getting sick and maybe not a weirdo. 

"A Smile is a curve that sets everything straight." Phyliss Diller

A smile doesn't negate that hurt that rests in our heart. A smile doesn't mean life is full of butterflies and rainbows. 

Life has been dark, very dark. I have had days I have begged God to take me from the pain that thunders my soul. 

I have thrown the covers over my head in defeat and lost my temper like the antichrist. 

I cried for over a year, every day and remember very distinctly when I first smiled, I actually felt guilty for doing so. 

But that smile brought me back to life. That smile gave me hope again. That smile softened my heart once again. 

In Peace, Not Peices,

Anita~

Big shout out to Complete Runner for supporting McKennas Squad. Coach Brad, BIG SHOUT out to you for organizing this event. He started at 5AM on a BIKE from Flint to Waterford for a 50K bike then RUN!! 

Congrats to all those who ran Clarkston Backroads, especially those who showed up in full costume! 

Congrats to Tonya for running MCM. 

It's Not a Clarkston Backroads unless I see Dale!! 

Happy Early Birthday to this HUNKA HUNKA burning LOVE!! Happy Birthday Andy!!

Idol of Running

CONSIDER your CALLING. 

“For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; 27 but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, 28 and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, 29 so that no man may boast before God. 30 But by His doing you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption, 31 so that, just as it is written, ‘Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord’” 1 Corinthians 1:26 to 31

I have been doing a bible study on IDOLS. The study breaks down idolatry into compartments: 

• Approval of Man
• Busyness
• Control
• Comfort
• Self Sufficiency
• Appearance
• Body Image
• Health and Fitness
• Food
• Knowledge
• Success and Achievements
• Work
• Security
• Materialism
• Perfectionism
• Pleasure
• Passions
• Screens

Several weeks into this study I have been humbled. Idols are described as anything you put on the alter of your heart. I have discovered blind spots in my walk that have humbled me. 

The approval of man, friends, children, self sufficiency, health and fitness to name a few! 

Authentic, fearfully and wonderfully made! 

THIS IDOL called Running. 

There was a day that my identity was in my running. My insecurity ran high. I had the need of approval and affirmation. I wanted to be part of something. My idolatry went unchecked and almost wrecked me. 

I found a false identity in my running. I put my running on the throne of my heart and when I tore my meniscus for the second time I saw what I had placed on the alter as I was on my knees. 

I had to choose to live from a place of Authenticity:

I have used my running to encourage, teach and share, starting a blog as a starter. 

In the beginning, I shared many details. These details even though were honest, they might have come across braggadocios.  I then began to share my UGLY. I began sharing my mishaps, my misfortunes and my misdirection's. 

I had to choose to live from a place of Acceptance. 

Through many injuries that sidelined me from running, I had to "BE STILL AND KNOW". 

I had to KNOW that HE IS the GOD of my heart. Not running, not victories, not passions, not accolades or any other idol that was lurking in the corners of my heart. 

I had to sit with knee surgeries, IT band injuries, plantar fasciitis, grief and cancer and learn that it was out of my control. I had to learn to ACCEPT the good with the bad, accepting ALL of it. 

I had to choose to live from a place of Allowance.

John 3:27 "John answered and said "A man can receive nothing unless it ahs been given to him from heaven." 

Recognizing that running was and is a GIFT from the Lord not an entitlement. He Allows me to run. He hears the passions of my heart and He gives and He takes. I have had to humbly ask the Lord many times if it is the will of God that I run and if not would he gently remove that passion from me. 

I have had to choose to live from a place of Amazement. 

1Cor. 4:7 "For who regards you as superior? What do you have that you did not receive and if you did receive it why do you boast as if you had not received it?"

I am Amazed every time I lace up my shoes, at almost 49 the Lord is still using these wobble sticks for His Glory. I feel my throat closing and tears falling in genuine humility that He gifted me for His Glory. He challenges me physically and prepares me for great and mighty things that make no sense to me or others. 

I ran 2 ultras and one marathon going through chemo making my Dr's crazy, questioning how and why. My answer every time, Glory to God, He is my strength and portion forever. 

I had to choose to live from a Audience of ONE. 

I have learned that I can use my accomplishments to serve others through my writing, my testimony and coaching as a ministry.  I have also learned that when I am looking for the affirmation or accolades I am replacing God for others.  If I exercise a heart of humility, giving God the glory, HE will lift me up. Although it is kind and encouraging when we receive affirmations from others it does not become necessary. 

THE HEART of the MATTER:

Pride and ego is a petri dish for idols to grow. Before we try to captivate others we must first be captivated by HIM. It is only then we can go confidently in HIM, using the Gifts He has given us to His Glory. 

But when I get "greedy in glory" I  have exchanged The Lord of my heart for the idols of my ego. 

I would encourage you to search your heart, ask The Lord to help you to gently reveal blind spots of idolatry. 

Read the list above, what area are you feeling conviction? May you feel the Lords blessing as you take it to the the alter sweet friend. 

RUNDOWN: 

October 17th-23rd- 47 miles. 

Monday: 12.5 miles

Tuesday OFF

Wednesday-Cross train

Thursday-13 miles. 

UPCOMING events: 

Saturday 50K/50K for children's Cancer. I will be running a 50K for Kids with Cancer. 

Sunday Clarkston Backroads for FUN! 

In Peace Not Pieces,

Anita~

Outside Looking In

"The struggle is not pointless, a better you lies ahead." Jenny Simpson Olympian

I wake up, stumble to the kitchen counting another night of 4 hours of sleep wondering how long one can sustain colliding evenings like this. I make my coffee like its a priceless masterpiece, because it is. 

After a couple slurps, the steam fogging my glasses, life begins to take form and I forget all about not sleeping for the 4th night in a row. 

I open my bible with my notebook, highlighter and pen ready for God to speak into me into His gracious ways. 

 

And I ponder.

"Look at all you have accomplished in three years." 

I stared at that text from a dear friend as I left for my oncologist.

Monday, I had my 6 month check up. As I was getting ready I laughed to myself as I curled my HAIR. 

As I put mascara on my EYELASHES. 

As I colored in my EYEBROWS.  

I left early for my 1:20 appointment to get cookies from the Village Bakeshop for all my staff at MHP Oncology. 

I was excited to see them all. 

"HI! Anita!" The staff all greet me with so much love. Or maybe it was the box of cookies! 

My tech came around to bring me back to get my blood. I hate getting poked but I act fearless and smile. 

She is beautiful, she had deep brown skin, flawless and glossy long black hair, and her smile was sweet. 

I lift my sleeve, lay my arm on the cold stand and take a deep breath. I giggle with some nervous joke and look away as she quickly ties my arm up and pokes that needle into my vulnerable vein, gathering 4 vials of my blood. 

I think, I did this every week for months, 2 times a week for months. 

Thank you Lord. Thank you for equipping me to endure. 

THANK YOU FOR 3 Years and another 6 months! 

And I ponder. 

The OUTSIDE looking IN. 

"Look at all you have accomplished in three years." 

My mornings start out as I described. Sometimes I forget all I have accomplished. 

MY LIFE is the SUM of:

• SUM-HOW
• SUM-WAY
• SUM-WHERE
• SUM-TIMES
• SUM-BODY

SUMHOW I have to let it all go and TRUST. I have to just do it afraid. I have to Believe that God will make a way when there seems no way. 

SUMWAY It will all work out. It may look different than I would have planned but I have to let God frame it, stepping back and look at it different. 

SUMWHERE there is life to live. Life is meant for the living. There are dreams to accomplish, goals to reach, life to love and people to reach. 

SUMTIMES life just feels so unfair. Tell me about it. I had already lived a life full of grief, disappointment, abuse and chaos before the age of 19. SUMTIMES life isn't fair but that doesn't mean we quit living our fullest life. Joy isn't SUMTIMES, it is all the time. 

SUMBODY loves you, believes in you, is encouraged, inspired, and is watching you from the OUTSIDE looking In. 

TO SUM IT UP:

"Who is the man who desires life and loves length of days that he may see good." Psalm 34:12

 I read my sweet friends text as I drove back home. My arm was throbbing from my blood draw and I smiled for the pain. A small price to pay. 

Take my blood. 

Take my ovaries.

Take my boobies.

Take my hair and TAKE what you have to take but YOU Can't Have my Spirit. Though my Spirit was disabled it was not disarmed. 

3 years later and I was reminded I have been LIVING LIFE. A life so different.  

I have been redeemed, recovered, renewed. 

Beauty from Ashes.  

My Dear Friend has been on the sidelines watching me. And very gently she reminds me. 

Life is a SUM of many things. Beautiful things. Painful things. The Lord is not def or blind to our prayers or our pains. 

Whether it is the throb of a needle poke from the unfairness of life or it is the agony of grieving muscles from the desires of our heart, pain speaks volumes. Victory or victim. 

Choose Victory.  

In PEACE, NOT pieces, 

Anita~