I have these crazy ideas to run these ridiculous races but I know all the preparing, all the planning, all the training, the Lord directs my steps.
Rob, the race director was giving us all the prerace info and had mentioned earlier he had a couple surprises for me. As he delivered the rules, he shared a course description quote my write up from last year! "..every loop can be all together different than the previous one, good, bad or indifferent but you can't give up on a bad loop when a good one might be just around the corner." I was chatting with Shirley M. when I heard this, I had the biggest grin on my face. It was at that moment I felt so incredible encouraged. The National Anthem played and I bowed my head in prayer, praying for the next 24 hours, giving every mile to God asking Him to direct my steps.
"Hold on, Hold on, Lord ain't finished yet.."
Less than 3 weeks from being diagnosed with Covid I was humbly heading out alongside Andy. The weather was warmer than we had all hoped, 70', I had literally packed a suitcase of clothes to change into. The heat and humidity would present a lot of sweating, chaffing and funky smells.
It felt like I was running with friends, "HI Anita!" I would hear someone greet me as we all were running down our first hill. Shirley, Mark, Robin, Zane, Connie, Antonio, Joe, Cristine, Ryan, Mary and Elizabeth to name a few of my running friends out there equally as stoked as I was.
Nothing mattered the first few loops, I was too aroused by the enthusiasm all around me.
I thought how I shouldn't be out there, I embraced a few moments of gratitude. 2 years out from cancer, 1 year out from knee surgery and less than 3 weeks post Covid.
I ran next to Andy for those first few loops able to share this intimate thought with him. The Lord wasn't finished me yet!
"Hold on, Hold on, He'll get you through this..."
Andy and I were running the same race with all together different goals. I was so HYPER. I was a little wild out there and struggling to dial it back. I attach to good energy and good spirits and the runners at Bear Lake were all kinds of wound up right along with me. I was like a kid in a candy store, running distracted and bouncing through the trails like Tigger.
Andy took off at the aid station without me and I tucked in behind Antonio and his friend Matt who was running his first ultra.
I had set my watch to alarm me NOT at miles but rather at loops. Every 3.1 miles it would show me my time.
I was aiming for 35-40 minute miles until I reached 50 miles.
If I could hold that then I would readjust my time to 42-50 minute miles. IF a BIG FAT "if" I could hold this I would have enough time banked I should get between 86-90 miles.
After about the 6 loop, I never saw Andy out there again. I ran several loops with Antonio who's mission was to pace his friend Matt.
The sun stayed behind the clouds but it was heating up. I was heating up and running with my hand held that I was filling up every loop, praying I wouldn't cramp up like I did at Loopty Loops.
To follow tradition, I ran through the aid station yelling "MARCOOO, YEAH YEAH YEAH Bib #491!!"
"Shoot for the moon my dear, so you took aim out of the atmosphere.."
The sky was looking dark for only 6pm. I was hitting my target pace but there was this background noise rattling in my head space. I started question not just my goals but also my abilities. The hills were as evil going up as they were going down. Most of the runners still looked fresh as I was beginning to fade. I was doing good eating and drinking but the reality was my smile wasn't quite the same, nothing was the same. I hadn't taken a lot of sitting breaks because I was too eager I would loose time, or would struggle to get back out there.
I came into the aid station smiling for everyone else but somehow Andy and I didn't connect nearly as nice. He had quit running, took a shower and chilled for a little bit when I saw him a little after 10 hours of running. I wasn't so fresh. I had these expectations that were not being met and I was trying so hard to keep my spirits up. It was probably my worst loop. Andy was concerned I was going to fast and rather than encourage me he was scolding me. My body was breaking down, my spirits were crushed and my attitude had really flipped. I was a brat!
"Between high stakes and pump fakes, Your feeling like you can't vibrate...MOVE, keep walking' soldier, keep movin' on.."
The voices of discouragement, embarrassment, and resentments crashed into each other. I walked by "The Box of Hopes and Dreams" that Rob (the race director) had surprised me with. It is literally a garbage box with my name on it from my write up last year. It is on a hill that you are so depleted you feel like you could fill it with all you hopes and dreams and at that moment that truth was haunting me.
I was so upset it took everything in me to just WALK. Right foot, left foot, I couldn't let emotion trip me up. I knew I had to get a grip. I kept walking, I walked almost a whole mile. I had a slice of cheese pizza in my hand that was so delicious. I felt the emotional dust begin to settle. I counseled myself in prayer. God spoke to me in my weakness telling me to "RESET". A word I had heard used in a bible study at
BARN45 the week before.
2 miles later I was back at the aid station ready to RESET and recover. Andy cautiously approached me and I smiled and said "Hi, I am sorry...."
"Hold on, Hold on, He'll get you through.."
I was so close to 50 miles. I went into the bathroom and screamed bloody murder after going pee. I was chaffed in all my special places. I needed a wardrobe change and a lot of cream!
Andy did inventory of all the food I was consuming trying to make sure I was getting enough calories. I sat down and chilled out, letting go of my obsession with the clock.
2 slices of pizza, a tray of grapes, a coconut muffin, an entire orange compliments of the fastest orange peeler in the world, Shirley M, pretzel bites, corn on the cob, pickles, potatoes and this amazing hot dog. I stayed away from anything sugary, especially after watching Joe looking pale after eating half a BIG bag of Skittles! I did however sip on Mountain Dew and Coke for energy. I only eat whole food on ultras, I stay away from Gu's, and chews I have witnessed to many runners get sick overeating on simple carbs loaded with sugar.
I changed my clothes, washed the funky smells off me, and got excited all over again. I had to hold on a little longer, my pacer was going to be showing up in the next couple hours.
" Help is on the way Roundin the corner.."
I had texted Rachel Thursday afternoon before the race to ask her if she would pace me. I just stared at my phone waiting for her response....
It was 8 minutes later but felt like eternity. "I'd be honored...."
I would take anything she had for me.
I was coming through the parking lot sometime around 9 and I heard her voice and saw her smile in the dark, RACHEL! I was elated. I had been running by myself for miles, I was getting tired, I had no idea how many loops had done I was so loopy.
I could tell Andy was getting tired, Rachel came at the perfect time. Rachel joined me somewhere around my mile 63. I had over an hour banked. I was tuckering out, my loops were going to get longer and I knew I would be using my banked time.
MY concerns were how many mile could Rachel give me, she had only ran 1 double digit run since we ran North Country at the end of August! I was just so grateful!
Rachel joined me before I crashed! My belly was hungry but nothing looked good. Rachel found a tray of fresh pancakes, it was exactly what I didn't know I wanted!
I was struggling with words to say so I would try to spark conversations Rachel could talk to me about, her daughters homecoming, her photoshoot....I just need her to keep me moving, keep me awake, and keep me entertained.
I recited all the places the hills went up and the hills went down, she learned them fast. As we were coming down the worst hill on the first mile I let out a scream, a rock was in my shoe that sent a stabbing pain through my toe. The pain was so bad I had to sit down in the middle of the hill. As we inspected my shoe we realized it wasn't a rock it was a blister that busted. I had no idea how I was going to tread down the hill let alone run the next 2 miles.
I hobbled toward the paved section in between the cabins as Rachel texted Andy I was going to need Band-Aids and could he meet us at the truck, I could hardly even walk. Coming through the cabins this guy literally drops out of the sky, well at least out of nowhere with tape and gauze He was literally my TRAIL ANGEL. He helped take my socks and shoes off, he even cleaned my gnarly sandy toes as he bandaged me up. And as quick and mysterious as he came he was gone.
And I was all put back together again!
Andy got the sleeping bag and was curled up in it when we would arrive. He would wake up to write my times in, help me and wouldn't argue when I headed back out quickly. That banked time was dissolving fast like me!
A little after midnight, Rob the Race Director asked if he could run a loop with us. "AHH YES!!" I was so excited he wanted to run with us that I forgot I was falling apart! Rob joined in with fun conversation and positive vibes. And if one loop wasn't a refresher, he ended up skipping an hour of sleep for another loop of running before he snuck off for a couple hours of sleep somewhere around 3am.
"I know your prayers ain't been answered yet, I know your feelin like you got nothing left, Well Lift your head, it ain't over yet.." I tried not to get discouraged when I added the hours of running I still had to do, 5 more hours.
I kept asking Rachel how she was doing and she never waivered with "Good, I feel good..."
Rachel pulled out her little box of tricks, MUSIC! She put in a playlist of hip hop, a little naughty and a little rock and then TobyMac came on....."Keep Movin'...." From that point we listened to mostly praise and worship songs. We laughed, we sang, and we kept moving.
"Rachel, don't let me stop, lets get through this aid station..." I wasn't running into the aid stations like I had been but I was still smiling and yelling with joy.
Rachel had ran more than a marathon. She had learned the trail and coaxed me where to run. "Ok, lets try to run", I would swallow back the pain on the flats and try to stay as steady as I could.
Rachel and I discussed how much more she could give me. With the hours closing in on 5am, I started to get "Horses to the barn." I had enough wits in me that I realized that if I could pick up the next 2 loops, getting them finished before 7am, I would be able to hopefully squeak in a final loop. Only a handful of us runners were still on the course, at this point whoever is still out there is clearly competing. It was at this point I knew I too was competing and my adrenaline kicked in.
Rachel was beginning to feel the abuse of the trail but she stayed so strong holding our pace and running the trail more than we had been. We hit those 2 loops as 2 of our fastest loops together. I told Rachel to get me to those loops and I would run the last one alone.
"No, no, I told Andy I would see you through..." Rachel responded. '
"Rachel, You did more than see me through, you got me through, now you will see me through at the finish line....gave me more than you ever thought you could and more than I ever thought you could to.."
We came in to the aid station and the volunteers still were cheering me on.
I sat down completely exhausted and totally giddy. I was surrounded by so much LOVE. Robin Cristine, Mary, Rachel and Andy all covered me with encouragement . "Anita, you have an hour and 20 minutes, you can walk it!" Cristine shares with me. These ladies all came BACK out supporting me, believing in me and helping me. Rachel got in front of me and shared the plan to get it done. Andy was overflowing with excitement for me. I got my butt off the chair and headed to the course.
Rob looked at me, right in the eyes "You going back out there?" And as if he already knew the answer I said "YES".
3 miles is all I had to do. The sun was coming up as I just walked. I walked almost all of the first mile.
I tucked my headlamp away and tried to run the flats. I took the quiet time to do what Rachel had suggested, take it all in and reflect.
I did a little running, I did a little more walking and I did a lot of reflecting.
Agony in the Victory.
This is how Andy described my finish. Everything hurt so bad, my toes had multiple hot spots and blisters, my quads were screaming, my fingers were swelling but I had finished better than I had planned, I had ran ran 93 miles! I was 4th overall and 1st female! All the things I had overcome in the past 2 years were a dress rehearsal for this. Not just the agony of the race but all the suffering I have done. COUNT it all JOY.
Congrats to all the runners, all their goals being met, Thank you to all the volunteers, the timing company was incredible, the cabins at Bear lake were great, I honestly can not say enough but "I'll BE BACK!
AWESOME RACE SWAG! Thank you ROB!
ANITA~
