A Stumble or a Step?

 "I ran to be free; I ran to avoid pain; I ran to feel pain; I ran out of love and hate and anger and joy." Dagny Scott 

Angry, disappointed, hurt, many of us have clenched our fists and worked the limitless emotions out through sweat. 

I learned young, I could either pick up the bottle like those before me or I could take a different route. 

The bottle, the pills or the joint would have been the easiest route but that is where the fight first started. The fight to be the different. 

I took all that anger, all those bad memories and haunting prophesies and used it to fuel me. 

When I had cancer, I had comments said to me, about me and behind me. They hurt. But rather than get upset I used it to work harder, to get back up and get back out there. 

I didn't want to hold grudges, or get bitter so I decided to just try to be better. 

It was my way of being in control. I couldn't control what others said or thought about me but I could control my response. I couldn't control the hand I had been dealt with and at times I couldn't even control myself. When I laced my shoes, I was able to feel everything wholly, deeply, passionately and then leave it out there. I would run disappointed in myself, in others and in life but as each mile came my sensitivities fall aside.

"When you have the enthusiasm and the passion, you end up figuring out how to excel." 

Deena Kastor

It's a mindset, exceling is not a destination it is a journey. We are all limited by our resources that is where our Faith comes in. My faith in God is limitless. And so are His Promises. 

Excelling is a process of consistently moving forward. 

It is not comparing. 

Someone else's success is NOT your failure. Be HAPPY for them but don't compare yourself to them. 

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."

Winston Churchill 

My good friend and coach Jeff always encouraged me every time I got injured "Nitagirl, you know you have worked hard if you have gotten injured, you put it all out there." 

I have made more mistakes in life and running than I care to admit. 

But many times, I found myself disappointed in myself stumbling again. But sometimes, what we think is a stumble is actually a STEP. We get tripped up when things don't go smooth. But the truth is often that stumble is a step forward, it just didn't look like we imagined it. 

"PICK UP your feet Anita". I will coach myself after I have stumbled, I have gotten lazy, I have gotten complacent, and I have gotten a little too comfortable not paying attention. "Get up Anita, stay strong." I try to encourage myself to keep moving forward and not give up. 

When you stumble what are you coaching yourself? 

"For we all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body as well."

 James 3:2

I have stumbled, we all have stumbled. I don't have to fall to stumble. It is a learning lesson, learning that even when I stumble it is a step forward to be better not a step backwards repeating the same thing. 

I stumble on "self". Not having control over my reactions, responses and my recovery from them. 

RUNDOWN: 

My long run-on Saturday started out in perfect weather conditions. Until I headed south.
 Andy had surprised me and showed up to run a few miles with me because I was running solo. But as soon as we turned south the wind reared its ugly little head. From mile 8 to 20 the weather conditions escalated to a full-on snow. The last 8 miles, I was running into the wind with snow and sleet pelting me but I just tucked my head down and didn't quit even when Andy text me asking if I wanted him to come get me! 

Milage: 51 miles

Long Run: 20 miles 

Normally I wouldn't be running this much going into December but I have a race that got deferred to this January, a 50K.  A 50K in January, not the brightest. It sounded like a great comeback when I signed up for it a year ago. I had planned on walk/ running, a fun run. 

A year later, I don't feel quite that ambitious! 

I guess I will just keep running when I can, however I can and the best I can! 

Anita~ 

Chasing.

"When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you." Lolly Daskal

I quickly jumped unto the track after riding 15 miles on the bike. I had a pool of sweat dripping off my chin, I wiped my chin with the bottom of my tank top and hit "START" on my Timex watch Danielle bought me years ago. 

I actually started both my Garmin and my Timex to see the difference the GPS made in comparison to "Old Faithful". I barely settled in when a young guy passed me, at my age most guys are young! He didn't look like he was going too fast. I know the drill though, we always pick up the pace when we are coming up on another runner, so I stayed behind him hoping he wouldn't hold the pace he held to pass me. 

I stayed about 4 yards behind him, far enough back he couldn't hear my breathing, a safe distance I could chase him in hopes he could pace me. 

1 mile down, I figured we were holding a sub 9 minute mile. I just kept chasing him hoping he wouldn't see me or drop a gear and loose me. As mile 4 approached, I was so happy I was still holding on but I knew he was going to be done soon. Sure enough he saw his friends come out to the track, he picked it up, threw his hands in the air and shouted something out to his buddies. As I came up to this random stranger, I yell "YOUR not DONE YET? I need you to pace me another 3 miles!" He looked up laughing and responded something about being "jealous" and just like that I was on my own again. To add injury to insult my ear buds died and I had to run with only the demons in my ears. I chased my demons, left to my own thoughts as I suffered those last miles. 

You are one thought away....

I was just one thought away from quitting. One thought away from altering my run. One thought away from settling for less. 

Such is life. I knew when I chased that young kid I could hold the pace. I knew I needed the inspiration, the motivation. 

I have chased things in this life that have hurt me. I have chased things in this life that have cost me a lot of injury and pain. 

We are all just one thought away. But our thoughts are hard to filter when we are in over our head, trying to hold a pace we know we can't. 

There are 2 KINDS OF PAIN in this WORLD: 

1. The Pain that Hurts
2. The Pain that Alters

And I have had both. You cannot correct what you cannot confront. Pain is a great teacher and a even better undertaker if you don't confront it. 

Pain will disable you, destroy you and disarm you if you never confront it. 

I have chased and let this world pace me into the hurt locker.  It is with even more great pain that I have had to do this whole "self inventory" thing asking myself "WHY". 

I have found myself on the sidelines injured many times, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Life has a great way of beating you up and if your chasing the wrong things it will chew you up and spit you out. 

Healing can be tough. All the answers, wrong. All the things I was chasing left me a mess, confused, without understanding trying to heal from myself. 

3 Steps to Healing:

1. Look in the Mirror: Self Awareness. (Don't play the Blame Game)
2. Embrace the Pain of Change. Pick a different route. 
3. Go one More Time. Don't Give up, Go back out different. 

This is my stick I found in the mountains CHASING behind my "David" to the finish line. We had met in highest point of the Cumberland mountains. He paced me to the finish, never leaving me. 

The purpose of our pain should be greater than our past or its all in vain. 

We let pain end with a period. It hurts to hurt. I get people ask me all the time "Why do you run?" Pain is part of that passion. I find that pain is so relevant to life. This life with love you and hate you all at  the same time. It will chase you and pace you. Running has taught me through pain how to endure, how to persevere, how to pace myself through every mile. 

"Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil."

Proverbs 4:25-27

RUNDOWN:

Weekly Miles: 51 miles

Monday: 16 miles Holdridge East loop 

Thursday: 16 miles Island Lake

Saturday: 12 miles Holdridge East w/cut out

Sunday: 7 miles Gym 

Anita~

When things feel unfair.

"I don't have much, I don't have much but I have a heart that beats for you...." Mission House 

This is the anthem of my heart, mostly the last couple years. The Lord stripped me close to death, humbled me to my knees until all I had left was my beating heart. 

Life will make you bitter or life will make you better. 

Last week,  I saw a memory pop up of me and my sweet niece, Ariel. 

Within seconds my throat swelled up, my stomach turned sour and tears erupted out of my eyes. My mind went dark, my thoughts went deep, my reality went emotional. 

Without much thought I repost it. 

30 minutes later I remove it. 

Grief is a response to loss. It can be a loss of a loved one, a loss of a job, a loss of circumstances, a loss of of communication, a loss of normalcy, dreams, virtually a loss of anything. 

Everyone grieves differently, different isn't wrong. 

My post didn't feel wrong to me...but I was afraid it would be received wrong, deleting my post seemed the better idea. Sadly, we can not delete our grief as easy. 

Sometimes we feel like we can not take another blow. We question how much more we can handle or endure. The burden feels so heavy. 

Sometimes we feel like the world is just out to get us. Like we have a black cloud over our head.

I recently had a friend text me about her unanswered prayers and unmet expectations. Oh could I relate. 

I think many of us can relate. 

"I don't have much, I don't have much but I have a heart that beats for you...." Mission House 

On the flip side of grief is GRATITUDE.

49% of your choices are on autopilot- subconscious. Are my thoughts on thankfulness and gratitude or am I spending more times disappointed, depleted and discouraged? I have camped there many times. I am good at hiding in the darkness, I am good at isolating when I have been hurt.   

The best service I can give to others is based on my wholeness, my contentment, my hope, my trust to name a few. 

We can go without food and water for a bit but we all need hope. That hope is held in gratitude, being grateful for ALL things, seeing a purpose even in the pain, knowing God is preparing more than my days, he is preparing my heart. When I have come to the end of myself I know that I need nothing but HIM. I have gratitude knowing that I have nothing to offer, nothing to share, nothing to give but my beating heart. 

"O give thanks unto the Lord; for His mercy endureth forever." Psalm 136:1

Rundown: 

October Miles: 235 miles

November 1-7= 36.25 miles

November 8-14= 41.73 miles

I have no races in the books for the rest of the year. My body is still recovering, I have dropped my miles back considerably trying to find my groove. I am back to the gym to cross train. 

I have some big dreams and some crazy ideas for next year. 

Anita

 

THIRTEEN ghosts: Kodak Moments

 “What i like about photographs is that they capture a moment that’s gone forever, impossible to reproduce.”
Karl Lagerfeld

It was a total last minute plan to register for Move It Fitnesses "THIRTEEN ghosts. 

I drove out with Lacey and Erin at a respectable 7am from Holly to Leonard where Addison Oaks sits. 

What: Half marathon

When: Halloween

Where: Addison Oaks trails

This was the first inaugural race for THIRTEEN ghosts. 

The PLAN: HAVE FUN! I am still beat up from Bear Lake, therefore I decided to dress up as a breast cancer survivor, shocking right?! I wore an obnoxiously large black tutu, my favorite boobie teeshirt and pink ribbon compression socks. 

About 80 of us took off at 9am. I hung back with Lacey and Erin who had plans to walk and have fun. I walked the first 3/4 of a mile with them for a photo opt then I headed out all pumped up on adrenaline and good vibes. 

It was a incredible morning, blue skies, temperatures around 40' and a gentle breeze that went silent in the woods. 

But as lovely as that all sounds the trail was all together a different face on the coin. 

THE COURSE:

When I headed out on my own I pushed ahead in a steady rhythm. I didn't punch it into a race pace because my body is not recovered and I don't want to end up in the hurt locker. 

I gradually picked up my pace with extreme caution.  I wanted a pace I could enjoy my surroundings, a pace I could enjoy the other runners, a pace I was confident I could carry to the finish line. I wasn't competing, I was just embracing. 

The hills, the ankle biters, the roots, the tattered trail required my full attention. It didn't take long for me to catch up to the other runners. 

I made sure I encouraged every runner I passed. The course was very challenging, I was able to catch my grounding on some back roads that I welcomed with open arms. 

As I settled in, I turned my music on and found a pep in my step.

I got a bit too comfortable and found myself on the trail with no flags and at a fork in the road. 

"ANITA!! ANITA!!" It was Deanna shouting at me that I had missed my turn. 

I could get lost in my backyard. The funny part was I saw the Grim Reaper under the bridge where I was supposed to turn. I was so hyped I yelled at him, " MATT!! HI MATT!!" Matt B shook his bell even louder, the louder he shook it the louder I screamed as I kept running in the WRONG direction. Matt was trying to get my attention and I thought he was just excited like me! 

I just laughed as I cut across the field to tuck in with Deanna. She was just so distracting in her super cute one piece sugar skull costume. 

That was at mile 9. It literally went UP HILL from there, we snaked around the camp ground and headed back into the trail. WOWZA, it was gnarly back on the trail. 

Back on the trail, I found a good pattern as I rearranged my pace and my cadence. The hills were so steep and grounded with heavy roots. I counted down my miles as I continued to climb through the forest, this course was NO JOKE! 

And all joking aside, I literally missed another turn and had to get yelled at again to get back on the trail! I laughed again at my airhead self as I curved myself back towards the finish line.

I finished in 2H 13MIN.

12th overall. 

5th female. 

I was beyond happy with this considering, I walked almost the first mile, got lost twice, and I goofed around out there!

Geneva, the race director, created another incredible running event. The Halloween decorations were awesome to every detail. Every mile she had a ghost as a mile marker. The aid stations had volunteers all dressed up with even the food themed! 

Not quite finished. 

Even though I had already ran my race I wasn't finished yet. I wanted to go back on the course to find Lacey and Erin. I had calculated I should see them right around 2 miles back. Going backwards meant I had to do all the treacherous part of the trail again. 

I did a whole lot of walking to find them and to confuse all the runners going backwards. But can I just say it was a joyous moment when I did find them! 

Kodak Moments: Collision

Most of us like adventures. I was speaking to a friend of mine, Debbie and she shared a story about her father in law. He challenged himself and went on a vacation with a bus full of seniors. He had the courage to try and do something he had never done and surprised himself and had a good time. But when he was asked when he would do it again he replied, "Never...." 

"But why dad? You had fun." Debbie asked.

He responded with "I had no one to share it with."

Truth be told as I adventured through the woods, in the good parts, the hard parts, the beautiful parts, even with all the runners around me I was still alone.  The areas I felt awe, the scenery that left me breathless, overcome with wonder and joy I also felt pain. Because these magnificent sceneries in our life, the marvel and beauty of great adventures are often expressed best with others. 

When we are experiencing these Kodak moments we have a shadow of grief knowing we can not hold onto the beauty and significance we are both seeing and encountering. 

Whether it was my exuberant joy or my deep suffering I just didn't want to experience it alone. Not that I wanted others to suffer with me but that I wanted to share it! I photo, even a description would not grasp the emotion the same. 

I wanted in my sore, exhausted, tortured body to find my friends to share my Kodak moment and to have them share theirs.  

To me it was worth 4 more miles of torture to be able to share my adventure with my friends. 

Adventures are intimate. This is why so many love not just running but racing, it is an adventure that we can share with intimacy with one another. 

Tina, Sean, Joe, Erin, Lacey, Cristine, Shirley& Valerie 

Life is short. Find your adventures. Do them solo, do them with others or do them looking to be with others but keep seeking them. 

Are you  living or are you waiting to live? 

"Here lies another day, during which I have had eyes, ears, hands, and the great world around me and with tomorrow begins another, why am I allowed two? G.K. Chesterton 

Anita~