Seasons

 Todays devotional was about seasons. Ecc 3:1 "There is a season for everything under the sun.." It talked about all the different seasons we go through. 

*Biological Seasons: Childhoold, single years, marriage for some,  parenting for some, empty nest, golden years ect.

Seasons of loss: Death, loss of dreams, loss of health, financial loss, job loss ect..

Seasons of transition: the years of change. 

Often when I think of the season I am in it is usually because I am waiting patiently to get out of it. For me it is a period of time that has given me grief and I just want to come out from the dark clouds. 

I never thought of the season of victory as a season, 2010-2012, this was a season when I was strong and fearless. When I was running fast and strong. 

I think I thought it would last forever. 

But the last couple years I have been in a new season. A season of transition. A season my body has began to age only my mind hasn't caught up with it. This season causes a lot of grief. 

Cancer was a big slap in the face. It really put life into perspective for me. 

As I went out for a little run today my whole body ached. I was ever so grateful to run. I didn't run fast, I didn't run far. I did the best I could trying to be grateful. 

I thought about my aging body later that day. 

The scars under my breasts after being opened and cut on 3 times are still angry. 2 thick keloids mark my breasts as a reminder that I have a gene that will forever haunt me. 

These new boobies, pretty clothed but still unnatural naked. 

3 more scars across my belly where my ovaries were removed. 

Scars on my thighs from fat grafting.

Another meaty keloid where my chemo port hid for 10 months.  

Ahh and the gray hair. Wiry and course. These gray hairs tangle in my once very deep rich brown hair. 

"God makes everything beautiful in His timing." Ecc 3:11. 

See later on in that passage Solomon reminds us we are not the Time Master. 

Some season are ugly. But God makes all things beautiful. 

Even at 46 years old I battle insecurity. I see my body changing from cancer and from age. My muscles are not as defined, my 6 pack is a gone, my legs crepe and dimple. My booty has lost its shape and I am seeing weird creases in different places. 

I am  in this season of transition. Realizing I am aging. The creases are deepening, the dark circles are harder to cover up and the lines are not laughing! 

But to find gratitude. Every scar, every mark, every dark circle and line tells a story. A story of overcoming the odds. 

A story of fighting a battle I would never wish on anyone. 

I remember thinking as a child "God, how much more are you going to let me take, I just want to die, this is too hard." 

I would cry myself to sleep many nights broken with frustration as I listened my uncle screaming at my mother drunk. I would try to play my music as loud as I could so I didn't hear the fighting. 

"How much more God, how much more..." 

I thought that season would last forever. 18 years seemed like forever. Then the death of my mom at 18 abruptly ended that season in my life. 

A new season without any parents to guide you, to teach you, to love you. Alone. A season different then I had prayed. 

All God wanted from me was to NOT GIVE UP. 

I didn't know that every heartache, every heart break, every unfortunate circumstance that I thought God was picking on was going to strengthen me. 

Like a 45 year training program. I remember when I used to box. I would take my shoes off and go bare foot and throw round houses to the punching bag until my feet were bruised and numb. Over time I got stronger till I hardly felt it. 

God was preparing me for the hardest fight of my life. Training me in some ugly seasons. Teaching me, guiding me and always loving me. 

Seasons do not last forever. Some seasons are very Ugly. But in His timing He will make them beautiful. 

Every scar has a story. Aesthetically they might not be beautiful, but to me the story behind each one, the story of Gods hands on me makes them beautiful. 

Anita~