Take a little piece of my heart...

I have not performed some of my greatest acts the last few weeks. I have said a few things I wish I could have taken back. 

I have thought some thoughts that were not real inspiring. 

I am just really struggling with myself. 

I had a real top notch out burst earlier this week. 

Sore and frustrated I tried to climb into bed. I squealed as my legs felt my weight collide with the mattress. I couldn't find a comfortable position due to my back also being extremely sore from the cyst Dr. Hainer removed along with the other areas he worked on. 

Quietly, I just drew back into myself. 

I sat there blankly, numb and apathetic. 

"Anita, you know, your not alone, I have been in this journey too...it hurts me to see you like this..." Andy said concerned. 

I snapped. 

"NO, NO one has been on MY JOURNEY but me! You have to watch me on YOUR JOURNEY, but its not MINE. MY journey is full of PAIN, my journey is full of bruises and surgeries and sickness, my journey doesn't let me have one day without pain. EVERYDAY I hurt, I can't walk, I can't run, I can't go to the gym, I hurt everyday. AND you can't FEEL THAT, no one can feel that but me!" I cried like a blazing lunatic. 

And instantly I saw his broken heart. I felt terrible for snapping at him. 

I can't even trust myself these days. 

Noone tells you that when you get through cancer you are not done yet. They don't tell you that getting through CANCER isn't a destination it is a process, You journey doesn't end when you ring cowbells. In many ways it is just a new chapter , Chapter 2  "Recovering from residual cancer damage". 

And it sucks. 

My friend and client Kathy came in to see me at work last week. She is 2 years post breast cancer. "Nita, I feel like a 80 year old, my body has aged so much...." I could see the deep sadness in her eyes.

It took everything to keep from crying. It was like God put her with me to encourage me, to let me know I am not alone. 

Take a little piece of my heart....

And another piece....

I found out this week I will be having 2 more surgeries. 

One of them this week. 

I cancelled all physical therapy. 

I tried to breathe. I tried to smile, often times I can convince myself everything will be better if I just keep smiling. But I found myself crying out to God. 

TAKE ANOTHER PEICE OF MY HEART NOW BABY....

Yesterday, thick with humidity, temperatures rising to the 80's, I dressed to run. I haven't ran in almost 3 weeks. My deeply bruised legs from my fat grafts have hardly allowed me to even walk. The anger, frustrations, depression and multitude of ill mannered emotions resulted in a big middle finger at life.
Break or be broken I laced my shoes up to run with Andy. 

Void of conversation, I ran following Andy on the trails at Holly Rec. I talked to myself, trying to figure out what was hurting, if it was going to cause more damage, or what I could run through when Andy turned on some music. Old school tunes, "Oh Sheila", Billy Idol "Dancing with Myself" then my favorite Janice Joplin "Take a little Piece of my Heart". 

Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. 

Oh, Oh, break it

Break another little bit of my heart now, darling

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh, oh, have another little piece of my heart now,  baby...

The song has everything to do with having a man take a piece of your heart, but for me, it was LIFE. Life keeps taking another piece of my heart. 

And I just keep trying. 

Trying to not give up. Taking a few pauses, shedding a few tears, trying to stay patient with everyone, myself included and desperately trying to not get bitter. 

 1 Peter 5:10
“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”

As I read, I am reminded to stay strong. Keep my Faith in God. God will restore me in His timing. 

I am stronger than I feel. I have been through a lot in a year, more than some people could do in a lifetime. I can't fall apart now. 

Anita

After running with Andy I dropped my kayak in the lake knowing a storm was coming.  The skies deepened, then danced with lightning. I made a couple friends also on the water, I caught up to them as the skies opened up growling with thunder we paddled our little hearts back  to shore!