RING my Bell.

Mom made me a sign EVERY WEEK! 

I remember my first chemo treatment over 20 weeks ago. And for WEEKS as we drove down 175 to Clarkston I could feel my throat swell up. Desperately, I would try to be strong and fight back the tears. I was so scared. It was daunting knowing I had to do this process for so long. It hurt, it made me sick, it made me scared; emotions I try so hard to not let reside in me. 

The tears would warm my cheeks overflowing with feelings words could not describe. I was changing. I would no longer be the same Anita. 

With the passing of each chemo, like the miles in a marathon I began to get my groove. I found my pace and settled in accepting all the elements that I had to undergo. 

The last few treatments that anxiety and fear had vanished and strength and perseverance had replaced it. And again like the back half of a marathon I felt my body ready to finish, accepting all the trauma as part of the process but now hyper focused on just finishing. 

With everything left I just wanted to finish. My numbers dropped, my health failing. Fatigue was a daily burden, days I had no idea how I was going to get through. My body felt so heavy, every day I struggled to breath, frustrated at how little control I had. 

Emotionally, I could hardly keep it together. Sleep deprived, loss of appetite and this onset of menopause messing with my head I found tears visited more often then I could prepare for.  

I just kept my eyes on the finish. 

THE DEBACLE. MY LAST CHEMO. 

11:30am my chemo clinic called me. "Anita, our CBC machine is still down, you have 2 options. 

1. you can go to Troy to get your blood work and back to Clarkston to have your chemo. 

2. you can go to Troy to get your blood work and do your chemo there..." 

I was in Fenton as I looked at my watch, reviewed my options and felt my blood boil. I had so many people coming out, I wouldn't get back to Clarkston until close to 3pm. Traffic on 75 was a complete cluster. I wanted to scream, I called Andy instead. He is better at screaming then me. 

He called me back and made no head way. Andy was not even going to be home for 40 minutes. "ANDY, why can't I just go to Clarkston Karmanos and get my blood drawn there?" I complained with a lot more words I will not repeat. 

Andy called me back...My clinic agreed and it worked itself out. I made it to Karmanos and back to Clarkston for my 1pm Chemo! I was hooked up to my machines by 1:30pm. 

RING THE BELL.

"April, can you slow my Benadryl down, I have a few friends coming...." 

Mom was ready for a party. She made 2 dozen cupcakes. They were incredible, Reese chocolate and Lemon with lemon filling. The staff thought mom purchased them they were so pretty and delicious.

I LOVE MY VAMPIRE, DEB. 

One by one my friends came in. I am a EXTROVERT. with each person I found myself getting more and more excited. Claudia, Lacey, Gay, Steve, Holly, Alec, Lydia, Dad they just kept coming one by one. The clinic was busy until my friends came and everyone slowly dwindled out leaving the room to all of us! We literally had our PARTY.

The drugs had my speech tangled but I felt so full of happiness. I would try to speak with excitement but couldn't form sentences to match my energy. 

Just as I was finishing, Rachel and Matt showed up with signs and silliness.  

A wave of reality hit me. Intense culmination of sentiment surfaced. 

April took off my line out of my port without much warning. 

"RING THE BELL, RING THE BELL!" they all shouted. 

Breath Anita, you got this. 

I was so happy. I was so sad, I love my nurses, Tammy and April, my vampire Deb and the desk, Kacie.

Tammy and I 

I had finished this part of my Marathon, 21 weeks, 16 treatment, it was time to wipe the tears and ring the bell with VICTORY. 

I RANG the bell so hard I broke the rope right off it! 

AND I CRIED. 

And I cried and I cried. I cried going home, I cried at home, I couldn't stop. 

Everything came out. SO much I had suppressed I didn't realize. It had been tougher than I had admitted to anyone. I didn't want people to worry for me. I wanted to strong for everyone. I wanted to be strong for me. Being strong is all I have ever known, I had a reputation to uphold, or so I thought. 

I was done with chemo. I was so beat up. But I did it. Humbled, broken, repaired, loved...my heart purging all these thoughts and feelings I had shut down to stay strong and survive. 

God had blessed me in ways I never imagined. He held me every mile. 

This is not the end of road. I am still running this race. 

October 30th is my surgery. A 4 hour surgery. 

Then radiation, about 4 weeks everyday.

And somewhere in there another surgery to have my ovaries removed. 

"The more you thank Life, the more Life gives you to be thankful for." 

But for today...I WANT TO GIVE GLORY TO GOD! I cannot imagine going through this journey without HIM. 

April and I 

He split the seas for me. He walked me across the waters when the seas were storming. He was in the fire with me always protecting me. 

I am so grateful to all of you for your continuous love, prayers, encouragement and support. 

I received cards every week keeping my spirits well with love. Knowing that you were thinking of me filled the voids that this cancer was stealing. 

The gifts, the meals, the visits, the flowers...I could go on and on. THANK YOU. 

Thank you for not just taking care of me, but for taking care of my family. 

Anita.