Trail Weekend..THE HALF

It might have been only a half marathon but it was a WHOLE lot of fun!

I kept calling it the "FUN RUN" because I am going back out to Pinckney tomorrow morning to complete the fun with a 50K. 

It is amazing how one can compact an entire weeks worth of running adventures and laughter into a 2hour and 20 minute trail half marathon. (My Time Today)
From the time I got there until the time I left I had fun. It was great to see so many familiar faces out there.


Trail Weekend

WHERE: Pinckney, Mi
WHEN: Saturday, April 24th 8am
DISTANCE: 13.1
TRAIL: Potawatomi Trail

The trail was a bit gnarlier than I expected. We ran a conversational party pace. I yelled a lot on the trail, threw out my hands for "High Fives" and coaxed all the runners to join in the fun!

The weather was fabulous, sadly, I didn't grieve too hard not getting the 5 inches of snow we were rumored to get. I embraced a sky exploding with blueness and sunshine.

Todays Bling!

I headed home exhausted.
On the backroads I found a little blonde runner on the road walking. As I pulled up next to her, I yelled "HEY! Why aren't you RUNNING?"
It was Lacey, she looked up at me, walked around the front of my car and jumped in!
I actually continued home with Lacey in the front seat. She was not that motivated to run. When we arrived back at my house we continued chatting till I could hardly hold my self, I had to go poo poo soo BAD!
Oh the joys of running!

I am off to bed to do it again times 2 plus another 5 mile loop that I keep hearing is vicious!

This is pretty much my last HOORAH!
Running is not looking so good for me this summer.
Life has thrown a curve ball at me, so for now, I am going to RUN LIKE THE WIND, Have fun and be grateful for all things.

Say some prayers for me, 50k at 7:30AM in the morning!

Anita

More than a smile.

"The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses- behind the lines, in they gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights." Muhammad Ali

A smile doesn't really say the whole story...

I rushed out of work Saturday in the middle of a down pour. Running outside was not an option.

This is taper week for my race weekend, "No Wimps".
Saturday: Half Marathon
Sunday: 50k.

I don't need BIG miles, I just need some miles.
I found myself on the TM at the gym. I didn't have any real plans. Honestly, my mind was racing.
I LOVE running. I had so many running thoughts on my mind.
SO many "What if's" circulating in my little pea brain. I am always amazed at how much chatter my Smurf size brain can hold.

I found myself scared, frustrated and even angry at how my running this summer was looking.
I have a few obstacles that are seizing my running.

I have a lot of unknowns.
What I do know forced me to put myself on the treadmill and put myself in the pain locker. My thought was to try to endure as much pain. I need to know what pain feels like. I need to be reminded of what it truly feels to suffer and endure.
I thought:
"How much Pain can I suffer through?"
"How long can I endure Pain?"
"As I strong enough?"
"Is it ok to be scared, God I am so scared.."

The fear of the "UNKNOWN" can really be daunting.
I just kept turning my speed up. I was still able to smile, I needed to feel pain. I needed my body to throb, to burn, I needed to get to the end of myself. I needed to record the pain, to remember the pain.
To not forget that pain.

Sadly, time ran out. I only had 4.20 miles in.
I am going to have to know what pain feels like longer than 32 minutes.

Everything we do is training is for something.

The race photos come in and the SMILE beams. It doesn't show the work, the sweat, the tears you put into it.
And some photos do. Some photos do show our agony and transparency of grit.
But the real suffering was developed for weeks leading up to that epic race.

It doesn't show the emotional fears, concerns or anxiety we have hidden in our dark places.
There is so much Mental involved.
We forget to train with our head and our heart. It is equally as important to train our mind. To have control over our thoughts, to be disciplined in our thoughts.

On the TM, Andy was running next to me, I heard him say something. When I looked over at him he was teasing me.  Mocking my facial structure. I was so intense with keeping my mind strong I didn't realize how extreme I was.
I was SOOO damn ANGRY. ANGRY at my future. Angry at how much harder I have to work for so much I don't know.
Keep Training.
With Everything I have, Every breath, every beat of my heart...I will just keep training.


Anita.

Overthink?

"Don't believe everything you think" Unknown

I enjoy painting Kindness Rocks and hiding them out on the trails. If you ever find one I would love a pic!

Lately, I have heard "Well, I think...." echoing a lot from my lips.

I have tried to "think" why I keep saying this.

• Am I not confident enough in my statements? 
• Am I not secure enough in my communications? 
• Am I just not sure what I am talking about at all?

Think on this:

I have to remind myself that what I do know is my information. As long as I am not hurting anyone with my information then it really doesn't matter if that information is even right or wrong. (Or hurting myself)

I have to keep my ego in check. 

I have a encyclopedia of books, training journals, magazines and now I have been enjoying Podcasts. (Thank you Claudia)

My Favorite Running Podcasts:

"Trail Talk"

"Training for Ultra"

"The Runners World"

My Favorite Running Books

Relentless Forward Progress, Bryon Powell

Runners World Big Book of Marathon Training

Hal Koerners Field Guide to Ultra Running

Believe Training Journal **

Overthinking: 

I made food for my aide station...Pizza was so good after 26 miles!

Kris, Claudia and I. 

This week I had a 5 hour run planned. I had planned it for over a week. Typically, I would fret and get all flustered on my longs runs. I would think it to death until I was in panic mode over it. 

To prevent myself from this chaos I prepared myself all week for it:

1. I made a aide station with some of my favorite goodies in it. 
2. I reached out to my running partners to have them run with me. 
3. I set the day aside so I could fully focus on taking care of this long run and recovery of it. 

So even when I woke up to snow and cold I was not rattled. I felt focused and prepared. I was looking forward to running, I was looking forward to moms famous "No bake" cookies at mile 16. I was looking forward to running and laughing with my running friends. 

Beating a dead horse as the saying goes is pointless. Its a lot of unnecessary work that is counterproductive. 

I have had countless DR. appointments over the last couple months. Question marks have raised, voices have chattered but one thing I have not done is overthink. I just keep digging in and tackling the next thing. 

Overthinking fogs your critical thinking. 

My thinking is comical most of the time. I get nervous I find myself thinking of the "Funny" in it. 

A few weeks ago, we had a really bad snow storm invade our long day. I had been watching the weather all week trying to prepare for it. But living on a prayer, I kept thinking we weren't going to get the storm. WE DID. Lacey and I got in a full blown argument over where we were going to run. I wanted it all indoor. She wanted outdoor. I had overthought the weather with fear. We compromised, split the run and Lacey made me promise "No Complaining". 

And it was a great run. 

"Don't believe everything you think" Unknown

With "No Wimps" less than 2 weeks away, I have hit my peak week for training. 

I have an awesome running journal that has you do this little 5 minute exercise. "Set a timer for 5 minutes. Write down all your negative thoughts..."

I still have dialogue that questions who I am and what I can do. So I did.

Am I strong enough? 

Why is my body failing me?

Does God not want me running? 

BUT..on the next page they have you list "Positive Rebuttals". 

I LOVED this. Sometimes our negative thoughts "steal our attention". The journal asks you to be mindful of them. I loved this! 

I challenge you to try this. It was a fun task to try. 

Rundown:

April 1-7= 52.65 miles

April 8-14= 64.75

This week, Taper. 

Last week, I had my first iron transfusion. I can honestly say it is amazing how much better I feel. 

I can breath when I am running. I am not struggling to catch my breath and left feeling discouraged as all my friends are laughing and talking and I want to walk before we hit 1 mile. 

I am sleeping a lil better and my legs are not convulsing all night long. Today, I went out for a small run, 4 easy miles and I was running the pace it normally takes me 4 miles to get to. 

I felt hope. I felt strength. 

I was reminded ...In weakness am  strong...Grace. 

Anita

Hope..Somethng to Cling to,

"Pick up those feet Anita...." I kept coaching myself as I whipped through the trees in the woods.
As fatigue sets in, often times us runners don't pick up our feet and find ourselves tripping over anything from a stump to a baby twig. I believe the roots have claws and just reach up and pull me down but the real truth is I am a KLUTZ.
 I was on a mission today, therefore: when I tripped I quickly tucked in and rolled out. I jumped to my feet wiping the black dirt off my hands and watch, noticing I had lost 6 seconds.
"Go, Go Anita..."


I couldn't sleep, I was awake at 5am. I tried so hard to fall back to sleep. I finally succumbed to the idea my day was going to start at 6am.

"Andy, What time do you run the West loop with the Lake loop?" I wanted to run this 5 mile loop X's 2 today. I wasn't thinking I could beat his time but I was giving it great consideration that I was going to try like a son of a gun to come close.
My health has really messed my running times up. I have gotten slower and weaker the last couple years. Andy has been killing it on the trails. I was hoping to come close to his 46 minute loop. But running 10 miles, 2 loops- I would be lucky to do 50 minutes a loop.

"On your toes Anita, pick em up set em down...." I was having so much fun going down the hills. Roots, rocks and switchbacks,  I let my body relax as I hugged the trail. I felt so good, too good, I was concerned it would all come to an end.
I glanced down at my watch with each passing mile. 4 miles I finally got my groove. My breathing started to relax and my body accepted the delightful suffering.
I could see the break in the trees, the parking lot was just a few feet away.
45:49.
I had to look at it twice. I smiled with total JOY and gratitude. "Thank You God."
And then I sent a picture to Andy!
Not very lady like I captioned my photo...
"Suck it."
 "Oh wow!!! Andy replied. I know he was as shocked as I was.
I responded "Gotta get loop two! Maintain?!

Andy replied. "No way. That's pretty impressive. Is that with the lake?"
"Yep"
And of course in typical Andy fashion, he is soooo competitive he adds "U cheated somehow."

I actually was so surprised myself I began to question my run.
"Did I forget to add the loop" I tried to rack my brain but I was trying so hard to run strong I really didn't pay attention to signs.
I conclude "Well lets see how the second loop goes!"

Like a bat out of hell I ran back into the woods.
"Stay strong Anita, stay light, on your toes...." The trail was so gnarly. I really had to pay attention. Rather than getting tired I found myself gaining strength from each mile goal I hit.
I WAS DOING IT. I was getting so stoked. I prepared myself for each hill. "RUN IT NITA, go go go, get up." I cried out loud with no shame. I wondered why I hadn't seen any turkey or deer. But at the top of each hill I knew why, I was huffing and puffing, surly scaring off any wildlife for miles. I half expected to at least see some fox or coyote looking to scavenge me, I sounded like a dying animal.

I ran all the hills, I hauled butt cruising fearlessly on the downhills. NO fear. You can't hit the downhills with fear, then you tense up and are more likely to fall and injure yourself.  RELAX, breath, pick up your feet and tap tap tap. You gotta be swift and light. Oh the downhills are SOOO FUN!

I realized I forgot to eat. I pulled out a cheese stick in my pocket. The clock was ticking, I had to eat on the run. No time to waste. I really wanted to beat Andy. OH, did I want to give him a run for his money, I could almost taste it...
And of course that when I fell! Head over heals. I tried not to get too discouraged. I heard voices from this week, "Anita, maybe this is God trying to tell you not to run anymore...." It rang over and over in my head.
"NO, Anita, NO...God Loved me..." Why do people want to take your passions away and claim it as Gods doing?
"Get Behind me Satan!" And I dug my heels in deeper trying to make up that 6 seconds!

I saw my exit, up and out, Pronto Nita...I can do it, I am MexiCAN...I can! I Can!
44:15.

THE BIGGEST smile went across my face. I felt soo good. I had HOPE for the first time in months. All these health issues have put in a slumber.
I may never be what I was, and I am good with that, but today I had HOPE.
Today, I felt good, I didn't get sick, I felt strong and encouraged.

Romans 15:13  

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."

Hope..Hope gives us something to cling to, hang from, hold onto. 

Hope is the little flame that says we are not Giving up. We are going to keep our Faith, We are not going to Quit. We are going to Believe in the process. And Beleive in His will. 

Hope tells me, I am loved. Hope tells me He believes in Me. Hope tells me He is passionate about my passions.

Hope. 

Anita

Training Interupted

Trail Weekend is April 27-28.
Saturday is my half miler and Sunday is my 50k.

Ann Arbor was orchestrated to be a training run for the 50k.

But because of all my Dr. appointments my training has been down. For that matter I have been down to.
The constant fatigue messes with my head, it directs me into a bit of a depression.

I am trying so hard to run when I can but last week was tough. I had a 20 mile run scheduled the same time as I had a 10am biopsy of my left breast.
I got up early to try and get at least 10 miles in, I really wanted 12-14. But I just couldn't get one foot in front of the other.
I couldn't command my body to move any faster. I found myself angry, depressed, confused, as I battled just one mile at a time.

I was nervous about this biopsy. Andys mom was taking me and my brother and sister were so loving but here each mile I felt so alone.
It took everything to just run. I had my music playing as a distraction. I finished 10 miles, the longest 10 miles of my life.

All these DR. appointments are on my days off, my running days. The only way to recover my miles is to run on work days, on tired legs.

MARCH MILES: 168
Last weeks miles; 52.65...

I gritted it out. they weren't pretty miles but they were accomplished miles.
7am miles, and evening miles. They were tired miles and sore miles.
I could have gotten more miles in but I just couldn't move. I found myself back in bed trying to recover. I have never taken so many naps.
It was all I could do to lace my shoes up when I did.

This week I should get the results of my biopsy. I am fairly confident it is not cancerous. Dr. Sullivan will schedule me for a lumpectomy.
This really is a major interruption of my training.
I wont be able to run for a couple days and probably have to take a day off work. I use my upper body for work and they said I probably shouldn't work. UGH.
I get an Iron Transfusion this week. YEAH! Another poke but I am hoping it will help me with my energy.
This lack of energy really messes with your head and heart.

Thank you for all the prayers and kind words.
It means so much.

Just a reminder...God is good all the time. I am keeping only positive vibes circulating around me.
I cant manage too much more right now.
I have withdrawn a lil bit, this is to protect both me and others.
But the LOVE I have received. It has spoken volumes.

Anita

Keep on Keeping on

  Galatians. 6:9 

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."

I feel like I have been going full speed for a couple weeks now. I feel torn in many different directions and just trying to find a little bit of balance. 

I have recited this verse several times as I feel physically and emotionally depleted. 

I have really tried to keep the most positive vibes around me but we live in a broken world. It isn't that simple. 

Today, I saw my surgeon. I had heard many good things about him. Dr. Sullivan. He was all that I had heard. Funny, Straight forward, gentle, informative and the list goes on. 

He came into the room with two scribes. 

He had me put on a paper gown telling me to wear it "Clint Eastwood Style" I will be honest I had no idea what he was trying to say. I actually put it on backwards! I have been poked so much that I just turned it around in front of him, I don't have that much to hide. And besides he was going to be examining me anyway. 

My examination was a lot of  "Yep, got it, yep got it, yep got it....." he recited this every time he came across another lump that I had shared with him as if to confirm with me. 

He went through my history of cancer saying "I am very black and white...." speaking in a lot of medical terms he shared his plan of action. Speaking in my laymen's to him I tried to recite what I thought I heard. "So you want me to get a biopsy asap of the lump on my breast but not the ones under my arms?" 

He quickly replied "YES, that one has to come out....."

I was doing my best to process his words and understand it all at the same time. 

The lumps under my arms he believes to be a result of the lump on my breast. The very lump that I had went into to get a mammogram for a few months ago and the radiologist said "We are going to keep an eye on this and I will see you back in 6 months." 

That now HAS TO COME out. 

He was able to get me in tomorrow for a biopsy and from there we will get the results on the lump. Dr. Sullivan wants to have that lump removed in the next 10-14 days. 

I am thrilled we are moving so fast on this. 

I am trusting in God and believing he is in full control. 

It would be easy to let this rent space in my head and worry about the things I can not. 

But there is too much to do. 

Life does has not allowed me to go on pause. 

Life throws us a few curve balls, some hit us, some miss us, but we sometimes need to take the hit, and get back out there and finish the game. 

People need us, There is always something to do. 

Yesterday in full exhaustion after working all day I had to be at church for a leader meeting at 6. 

Tuesday night is our addiction night. It was full of tears, confusion and emotion. I have never sweat so bad. I was hurting so bad for those that were hurting. 

I was praying that God gave me the right words.

I was praying that God gave ears to hear and would soften hearts to heal. 

I was afraid of conflict and confrontation. 

I was afraid of myself, desperately praying God would speak through me and I would not use any of my words. 

My group was packed. We had to add more chairs. 

I felt God moving, hearts open, tears were being shared and love was abound. 

I left my house at 7:30am and wouldn't be home until almost 10. 

My drive home my mind still racing as I just tried to relax. I had 12 messages on my phone. 

I was too tired to even look at them. 

"Be weary in well doing..."

By the time I got home a had another half dozen messages. They were sweet, kind and restoring. As fatigued as I was, I was blessed by those messages of encouragement. 

We cant quit. We have to continue to fight the good fight. We have to have the Zeal of a Zealot and continue to go one more round never giving up.

Anita~

Wading through a Rough Week.

I feel like I am barely staying afloat this week.
The week after running a marathon should be considered a "Recovery Week".

Ann Arbor marathon chewed me up pretty good. I haven't been that sore in a long time. It secretly made me happy to feel my body tore up as proof that I ran strong.
My quads were barking at me. Sitting was not a pretty thing. Not like squatting on the toilet is anything attractive but for me it was just comedic. I plopped down squealing as the toilet shook beneath me. I just laughed and winced all at the same time.

I would take the physical pain over the emotional rollercoaster I have had this week.
I lost a young man this week that was very dear to me. I have been a youth leader for about 12 years. We had a terrible loss this week losing one of ours.
This loss came with so much heartache.  Many many people, young and old all broken and hurting in different ways. The sudden loss was like a tidal wave. The waves roaring, powerful, strong, deafening and defeating.
I just attach to all those tears. My heart breaks for them and unravels my grief of my sweet Ariel. I see their breathless affliction and I just want to hold them and cry with them.

The waves of grief crash as the week barely unfold.
I have kept it on the down low, my health has been acting up the last few months.

Between ovarian cysts, lumps in my breast, hemoglobin so low that they are giving me iron transfusions and countless pokes, ultrasounds and appointments I am just trying to stay afloat.
I am tackling one issue at a time with such gratitude. God has a handle on this.
Some of my issues are working their selves out. I do not take for granted anything positive.
"Anita, this looks better, we will see you back in 6 months....." Ah, a breath, a deep breath as God gives me grace.

I try not to get to rattled. But when my sweet cousin asked me to shave her head this past Friday, I got rattled. She has breast cancer and they told her she will lose her hair the second round of Chemo. She gave me the honor to be part of her journey.
She called me last night and gave me the Gonzalas family history....Cancer.  And she was tested to see if she had the gene..."Anita, I have the gene, I needed to tell you that you are a Gonzales, You have to be aware....." She shared a history of breast cancer, lung cancer, spinal cancer, and pancreatic cancer all though out my grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles.
My heart sank with my secret news that I had not told her about.  I confessed. "Lila, I didn't want to tell you, but I am seeing a surgeon Thursday, I had a mammogram a few months ago and had a good screen, but I have found 2 more lumps..."

The waves crashed as I hung up. I felt tears welling in my eyes. "Andy, I am scared, I have tried to be so strong the last few weeks, but I am scared."

The week ended with some very tragic news. More devastating news. My phone hasn't quit going off with so many people hurting and looking for answers and comfort. This ironically has been a good distraction for me. I am so much better at loving on others and would rather that then drowning in my circumstances.

RUNDOWN:
This week I somehow managed almost 37 miles. I was able to get my trail legs back! BACK IN THE WOODS where I belong. The trails are my home. I was able to enjoy both Holly Rec and Holdridge, running the North Loop, the West loop with the Lake loop and the Wilderness trail. I am hitting all my favorite trails.

^{Proverbs 3:5-6} 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
and He will make your paths straight.

Anita~