A part of me died that day and parts of me wilted away for many many weeks. I forgot how to live, I forgot how to breathe..how to converse..I was lost in myself and my grief often with no intention but to stay inverted and safe within myself and away from others.
Everywhere you go you have to deal with people. There are days when we can not look at ourselves let alone others. There are days when the best you have is nothing at all.
Sometimes we feel so empty and alone, so depleted that we have nothing to share.
For months every time someone asked how I was doing I would reply "Fine."
FINE FINE FINE FINE FINE FINE...Over and Over and Over again, redundant, repetitive and the absolute BEST I had...FINE!
I was conscious of my answer, It was thought out and I never thought I would ever be consciously able answer anything else but "FINE".
I have tears on every road where I live. Miles and miles I have ran and cried. I have soaked the pavement and wiped so much snot on my sleeves that there was not a dry arm. The tears were often frozen to my cheeks and my eyelashes were like icicles.
I cried out to God. I tried to bargain with God. I was angry and confused. Even as I write this the tears flow because I still have waves of these emotions.
Psalm 30:5
"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."
This week I was at Home Depot and I caught myself smiling. I felt Joy and I was aware of it. I was aware that I was HONESTY better than FINE. I was aware at that moment that I had answered for a couple weeks "Good"! And it was subconscious and genuine. "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."
In Grief there are many voices that run through our head. No matter how far we run we can not run from ourselves. And we can not run from God.
Grief is not just the loss of people..it is the loss of ANYTHING.
You feel grief when you loose a dream or a friendship. You encounter grief when you loose a job or a your life has been flipped up side down. Grief is in addiction and in sickness.
We battle just staying afloat. We battle the thoughts that ruminate in our heads. We need a voice bigger than our own. Because MOST battles we fight are not between US and others...It is between US and OURSELVES!
Many of us encounter Grief to some extent. Maybe you have not lost a loved one but you have other loss and can relate to the battle for Joy.
In our Heartache we think that it is justifiable enough to stay in the pit. We have earned it. We can be mad, angry and depressed..
But NO..We have to battle for Joy, Love, Peace, Contentment...And Acceptance.
In my loss of loosing the most beautiful girl in my world I have to consciously remind myself it is NOT about ME. And I have to desperately try to remind myself she was HIS first: he gave her to me on loan. It doesn't wipe away my tears but it allows me to manage them better.
It allows me to fight the voices that want to hinder me and hide me.
It allows me to die to myself and put my loss in perspective.
Psalm 48:14
"For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end."
"For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end."
No matter what loss you are encountering you will NEVER have the Loss of HIM.
1. What Loss Are you struggling with today? The loss of finances, dreams, friendships, family, health.....
2. How are YOU fighting with Yourself??
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- The Little Engine who COULD
- Rules to Running your Own Race
- Running Down Your Thoughts
- Running From Ourselves
- Training Program
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ANITA
Hi Nita. So sorry for your loss. I am crying reading this and I never met your niece, but I really appreciate you sharing this. I am dealing with "losing" my mother to Alzheimer's -- even though she is still here, it is so hard to see her mind slipping away. So your words really hit home for me. We have to appreciate our loved ones while we can.
ReplyDeleteTony, Loss runs so deep. I am very sorry for your daily hurts with coping with the horrible disease of Alzheimers. It is just tragic what is does to us here.
DeleteThanks for all the great words and responses!!
Wow - another powerful blog. I was reading this before we met at Panera today. It has been a long 6 months, and I've watched you run out your pain and sorrow. I've also watched you come to terms with your loss, leaning on your strength and great faith in God. You have such wise words - I was just reading an editorial in the paper last night dealing with the loss of a loved one. One mother once gently told her weeping daughter when they found out their husband/dad was dying - stop crying, you aren't the one dying. First I thought - oh my how heartless! But as she went on to explain - we are the ones who appear to suffer as we are losing a loved one. But he/she is the one who has lost THEIR life. It is so difficult to lose someone you care SO deeply for. I cannot even begin to imagine your pain and grief. All I know is that you are overcoming that grief and pain. Once again, your strength is to be admired. I have seen subtle changes the past few months - the ability to talk about Ariel a bit longer before the sadness seeps in, the ability to smile and laugh a little bit more. The way you describe on someone is "on loan to us". So true and such a great way to put it into perspective. This week at work everyone asked how my birthday was and I joked - getting a little closer to the top of the hill! And I stated "it's better than the alternative!". I agree with Tony too - we so have to appreciate our loved ones when we can - you know all too well how quickly that can change. I am glad to see you feeling "good" nowadays and not just fine. It will never be the same- but a new "normal" as some would say. I cannot say I am dealing with any enormous loss or struggle at moment that even compares to what you and Tony are going thru. It puts into perpective again the things we perceive as a great loss as to what really IS a loss.
ReplyDeleteNow - go get ready for Boston and enjoy the beautiful race!! How I wish I was there with you, but you know where to find me ;)
Danielle..You crack me up! How in the world did you write this waiting for me...Oh YEAH..I was late..But still how did you write something with weight and emotion so quickly.. I Am so glad we are such good friends. You inspire me.
DeleteI appreciate your strength and motivation Anita. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteHannah, Hi Beautiful. You light my face right up. We gotta stay strong Hannah.."We can never never never Quit"
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