"He giveth power to the faint: and to them that have no might he increaseth strength." Isaiah 40:29
God gave me this scripture today. I wake up so weak and lifeless.
I am still in shock. I look at Ariel and I think I am just looking at photographs of her and that she is still here.
I have moments of life. These are times I feel alive but many many more where I feel flat. Catatonic.
I ask myself "What is strength?"
"Anita, you are so strong." I hear others say.
"What does that mean? " I hear myself mumble.
Strength can be a blessing and a cursing.
Strength can be mirage of what you want others to see but you are falling apart inside.
Strength can run so deep you become brittle and breakable almost unfix-able.
Strength can lead you and Strength can confuse you.
I have always been told I am strong. I had to be strong. I had to toughen up in order to survive. There was no one on the sidelines going to save me. And there was no one sending me a life line. I learned at a young age it was up to me.
25 years later this world will still kick your teeth in and it does. But now I can see where God was taking care of me through the chaos of a alcoholic home as a kid. It wasn't all on me like I thought.
So you are always told to "Trust God". But then like "Jill" says today how do you put all your trust in God when He takes part of your life away for no reason. If someone else did that would you trust them??
This is where strength has to come in.
I am strong enough to get through this.
But I am weak enough to fall down on my knees and cry.
I am strong enough to see God shine through the darkest moments of my life.
But I am weak enough to admit I need direction out of my pit of despair.
I am strong enough to hold someones hand in my hurt.
But I am to weak to ask someone to hold my hand in my hurt.
I am strong enough to to follow my own rules
But I am to weak allow myself to break them when need be.
I am strong enough to appear strong and capable.
But I am to weak to feel insecure about sharing my character defects.
I used to talk to Ariel all the time about being "Too Strong". I would say "Ariel, life will make you bitter or life will make you better."
Life is going to deal you a crappy hand at some point of your life. But the only way to get through it is to GET THROUGH it. Is to feel it. To engage in it. To handle it and respond to it. But if we hide it, if we swallow it down or throw it under the rug it was destroy you. It will own you. It will steal your joy and disillusion your perception of LIFE.
Today I am strong enough to feel the pain. I hate it. I have had my fill of it and it seems so unfair. I am strong enough to remind myself that God is Not finished with me yet. That in my affliction God can use me and this. I pray God uses my tears and heartbreak to encourage someone else in their pain.
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Very sore. I walked 2 miles at the gym and went home. I spent the afternoon with Kim. She asked me to come over. We had a nice visit.
I have some concerns but then I have a lot of "trust" issues. That is me. I do not Trust Anyone. I just don't.
Are you considered "Strong"? How have you learned to cope with the loss of someone very dear to you??
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ReplyDeleteI have my strengths and weaknesses, and they're kind of related. For instance, when my father passed, I was able to intellectualize it so I could go to classes and do my internship, but buried the emotional stuff deep enough that I could slowly deal with it over the course of a year or so. It took time, and some therapy. But it was my way of processing.
ReplyDeleteI know yours will be different, because we're different people. I hope your recovery comes more quickly than mine because you're letting yourself feel it more deeply than I did. *hugs*
Fritz,
DeleteThank you for taking this time and sharing with me. I want seeing how others deal with grief. I think maybe there is another way or another side road. I think Maybe someone will give me a different outlook. I am hoping for this jewel to help in this hurtful mess of pain. We are all different but we can emphasize with one another. When I read your post I am not just reading it I am feeling it and it is very therapeutic. Thank you for sharing.
You ARE strong Anita - both physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. You prove this time and time again when you write. The poem you included sum it up, though I would change the words that state "weak enough" to strong enough too. It takes a strong person to ADMIT weakness and mistakes. Too many people feel admitting to a wrong, or admitting to needing help is a weakness. This is so far from the truth! only those who can see what they need and when are the true strong ones - LIKE YOU!! It's ok to grieve, to cry, to feel mad, to feel happy! Normal emotions for a difficult time. It's also ok to go on living your life - you know Ariel was full of life and she would not want you to stop living yours. Take the time you need to heal in the way that suits you best.
ReplyDeleteLOVE YOU!!! Let me know if you want to bike or walk thursday - it's going to be beautiful :)
Danielle, There are very few things that I am looking forward to. But one is you. You have been a blessing to me. I can just be me. I do not have to be anything but me. Even when I do not like me or the things that come out of me you still accept me. Grief has really found a side door for some bad character to slip in.
DeleteThursday. I will see you!!
Anita, I enjoy reading your blog and have shared it around my office. I still greive my sister, gone now for over 21 years. You look at things and reminds me of her or how I miss her, journaling was my way to get through the tough periods and remembering God knows the big picture. I also think through this you see things differently and treasure moments more. Always praying for you and know your blog helps others greatly! God Bless
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
DeleteThank you for taking the time to share with me. I am so sorry about the loss of your sister. When does it get better? Did you feel guilty the first time you felt yourself getting better? This feels so foreign. I know God can do a work with this but it hurts so bad.
There is so much loss associated with this.
I pray through my hurt I can encourage or help someone. I do not want to hurt anyone that is a great fear of mine.
I have said some things that are raw but I pray people will see my love and heart for Ariel and understand and show me grace.
Thank you for sharing,
Anita
Anita, it will get better. Everyone greives differently. I felt guilty for not seeing her kids more when they were young when it first happened. I lived in another state and was able to put distance and not deal with it. God has blessed me with getting to know them better no through facebook. Strange but it feels raw, even after all these years when I talk to them and the devil likes to poke me with guilt for not doing this sooner. But I refuse to go there. Every minute is a blessing with all of our loved ones. I treasure each minute now. Don't get hung up in all the drama, honor her memory by doing the things you know she would want you to do and pray for the others. Life is short and God will bring good out of the bad. Who knows what God can do in this, just don't box him in. You are truly a treasure! Thank you for your blog.
DeleteThank you, Yes, and you are right to remind me not to get hung up on the drama. It is funny the times my body physically feels sick is when I can tell I am going down that dark drama path. It is like God physically ails me to show me to turn back around and go down the path of love, honor, pureness-all the things that God reminds us to "rest on" in Phil 4:8
DeleteFinally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.
And God puts people out there to remind me and encourage me. Because HE knows I NEED it~
Thank you.