Call me Mara

"Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, (which means bitter) for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me." (Ruth 1:20) 

I saw the beautiful woman in the school parking lot smiling. How can I smile? This morning there was no smiling. I have moments of smiling but I can't find the happiness. 

I sit here on the couch listening to the water drip in the sink and the birds chirp in the trees. The house hums in silence. I am left alone in my head. 
I am so scared. I am afraid of people. People are acting so crazy right now. People are acting up and acting out and not thinking of others. 
We all get so consumed with our hurts we often do not realize we hurt others in the process.

Ariel and I could in our hurt  look out and see people scurrying around acting dysfunctional in their pain. Their pain was just as relevant to them only it was based on feelings and insecurities and hurt people. 
I would try to get her to find compassion, patience and love.
But sometimes.. It is so hard. 

I am feeling quite alone. My bible lay next to me. Closed. It has been closed for almost 2 weeks now. 
God Forgive me.  

Please God Guide me. Pull me out of this pit. Settle my belly.

Calm my thoughts they feel like raging waters. My mind is a whirlwind and it is tossing me every where. I feel like I am out to sea and these waves of helplessness and loneliness are beating me. My thoughts are drowning me.... 

I hear the water drip..