A season of Grief and Joy

 Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything. C.S. Lewis

December is just hard. I think too much. I hurt too much. I pretend too much, and I try too hard. 

I try to smile, to laugh... to ignore my aching heart. 

The Christmas music is playing. Everyone's laughing and smiling. For that matter I am too. 

But the right tune, the right instrument, at the right time, plays a different record that echos in my heart, 

Like many of us, we are navigating through such a joyous time of year and yet suffering with a gaping hole of grief. 

Every day I feel the waves.  The all-consuming tug pulling my heart back into a slumber. 

It has been so long. 

"Andy, today was the day I pulled the plug and killed my mother..." It was a little dramatic but at that moment that is how I felt. 

December 8th. 1992. 

Andy responded with a pause "No, today is the day you removed her from life support, supporting her life.." 

I thought to myself quietly, "Whatever, it still sucks, it all sucks, it sucks so bad, I want my mom." 

I am almost 50 years old and during this time I feel like a little orphan. 

I have a client Jan, last week she tells me, "This is a really hard year, it has been 25 years since I lost my mother, it just hit me harder this year than normal." She shared this with tears in her eyes. 

I ran a little more. I prayed a little more. I cried a lot more. I remembered a little more. I stayed busy a little more. 

I did more to overcome more. 

But what helps most is feeling. 

Writing. 

Thinking. 

Crying. 

Missing. 

The Rundown: 

There is Joy. There is Happiness. There is laughter. I embrace all the good in the bad. 

The Lord hears the brokenhearted. I know this. I feel this. I believe this.

Life presents it all. Christmas has a special way of stirring the emotions.  

Let us show more grace this holiday season. Many are suffering battles we know nothing about. 

My clients sit in my chair and share heartfelt stories. They share sadness, grief, and pain that no one but their hair stylist knows. 

If grief is warring in you, if you are battling, please know I am holding you tightly. I may not be able to fix you heart, but I can love you and I am sorry. 

Our hardships and hurts do produce perseverance and strength and stamina for existing in this broken world. 

We can still have sadness and have JOY. 

Happiness is dependent on circumstances, but Joy comes from within. It is being mindful of things we allow to affect our mood. 

JOY is intention. 

I can still feel loss, hurt, sadness and grief and still share Joy. 

"Ask and you will receive so that your JOY may made be full." John 16:21

Week of Dec 4-Dec 10

Distance: 67 miles.

12 runs this month

111 miles for December. 

4000 feet of elevation for the month. 

Training for Yankee Springs  50 mile: January 6th. 

In Peace not Pieces, 

Anita