Triggers

"Count it all Joy"

Trigger, to relive or remember something traumatic. 

The month of April represents several triggers for me. This was the month in 2019 that I was diagnosed.

Everyday I had another appointment.

Another poke.

Another test. 

Another doctor. 

Another scan, more blood, more time, more emotions, more grief and more confusion. 

I could barely swallow the knowledge of my cancer diagnosis let alone feeling like a really bad science project. 

"Count it all Joy." 

This evening I was making dinner for Alec and I. 

I was making one of his favorites, breakfast for dinner. 

Panny cakes, something I have always called them since they were littles, over medium eggs and thick cut smoked bacon. 

The house smelled like a coney by the time I was serving it. Andy went running and I stayed back with Alec. 

I love watching Alec eat. When it is something he is excited about he barely looks up from his plate. His manners were out the door but I found it so endearing that I didn't bother to correct his neanderthal eating habits. 

But something happened on my last bite of panny cake soaked in sloppy eggs.

My stomach turned. 

That last bite gurgled its way back up. 

I ran to the bathroom as tears came out of my eyes and I started retching. 

Alec came slowly around. I didnt want him to see me getting sick. 

"MOM, mom, what's wrong?" I could hear this tremble in his voice. 

I tried to play it off. The truth was I had no idea why I was vomiting. 

Alec paused, and I hear his concern, "Mom, is it cancer...." 

OH GOD. My poor son. 

I felt fine, something just didn't agree with me. 

But Alec, me getting sick triggered him back 3 years ago.

I was grocery shopping today when a VW whipped into the parking spot next to me. It startled me but when the man got out of the fancy crossover I said, "Nice car" to him. Full of energy he jumped out and almost ran over to me. I couldn't remember his name but he remembered mine, "Anita!" 

It was a guy I used to wait tables on 30 years ago, but I still run into him, but I didn't initially recognize him. 

He came over to me, gave me a jolly hug then rubbed my mop of hair, "You have a lot more hair than the last time I saw you!"

I laughed, but inside I cringed. The last time I saw him I was bald and so sick. But I do what I do, I laugh, I smile, I joke back. 

Not because I am fake, but because that is how I am. 

That trigger was like a wrecking ball going home. 

I wasn't sad, upset, or emotional, I was GRATEFUL. 

"Count it all Joy." 

Triggers are going to come and go. 

I am going to have days I am undone. But the Lord found me in that darkness. 

He pursued me, relentlessly. 

Everyday is a gift. 

It is glorious to live this life. 

The Lord has been gracious to me. It has not been an easy life. Quite the opposite really. But I count it all JOY. 

This is my Joy Journey. 

When you change the way you look at things, the way things look will change. 

When those triggers come, when I find myself hiding in the shadows of fear, or overwhelmed with the nightmares of agony, I remind myself that I have been given 49 years, I have been gifted that. Because nothing is promised. 

Life is Glorious. Even in trials, in conflict, in grief, in hardships. 

"Count it all Joy."

Rundown: 

"Don't run as hard as you can. Run as fast as you can without straining." Jack Daniels

I met Danielle at 7:30 this morning at Island Lake. I LOVE the adventure of trail running. It is always different. A different trail, I different scene, a different kind of adventure. 

We ran early to finish early. I let Danielle lead. She had a pep in her step.

 Running is more than running. It is time spent together.

Its catching up with one another, encouraging one another, supporting one another and training with one another. Iron sharpens Iron. 

23 days until my 50K. I am hoping my body is not as broken like last year when I ran 3 races in the month of April. 

I have taken a step-down week every 4th week to let my body recover. I have cross trained, and weight lifted more than I have in the past. 

There is nothing more than I can add to my training at this point, only continued prayer. 

From this point I will not push myself to the point of getting injured. 

When we finished, we ended up with 15 miles. We also finished with good fellowship, great conversation and a strong run. 

Tired but not broken with the whole day still ahead of us.

Remember when training, to take time to enjoy your journey. Not every run needs to be so serious. I stopped at the top of a hill to just take in the Huron River. The way the rain had widened it and flooded areas I had never seen before. It was wild as it took over the woods. 

In closing, when triggers appear rather than allowing them to seize us, take a moment to pause. Take a breath to recollect and recover. Then remember how you overcame. 

You are a overcomer. 

Glory to God. 

"Consider it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

In Peace, Not Pieces,

Anita