Catching my Breath, abandoned

 "Col. 1:11 "Strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience."

My recovery after my run, protein smoothie, latte from Biggby and I finished my book, tearfully. 

There are things in this life that do not just "GO Away".  Days can pass, years can tumble into each other but no matter where time stands the heart does not respond to the added sunrises and sunsets. 

I finished my May book in 3 days. As I closed the final page of "Where the Crawdads Sing" I couldn't stop crying. I had emotions that resurfaced. Childhood pain that tugged then tore my heart apart. 

I caught my breath and made it through the afternoon as normal as possible..

Until..

We sat at the dinner table finishing a dinner of grilled chicken, smoked ribs, home-made potato salad, baked beans, green beans, corn bread and my sister in loves amazing applesauce chatting about movies. Alec has begged us to watch his favorite, "When a star is born". 

I refuse. 

"Alec, my eyes just quit being swollen from crying over my book, I'm NOT watching that. 

They all started on me to watch it. 

I walked away and came back a few minutes to them watching it and harassing me again to watch it as a family. 

Andy wouldn't let it go and finally I said, "When you guys grow up with my childhood you will understand.." 

My book set me into a emotional tangled mess. I couldn't watch another movie where addiction is a vital component of relationships. Where addiction hurts the very thing we love. 

I sit here so burdened. I am 47 years old. My GOD, when does it stop hurting? It took everything from me. 

I should have a father to look deep into his eyes and see myself. I should be able to have coffee with my mother, should be able to buy her flowers or help her plant a garden. I should be able to ask my father to help me understand my history or tell me stories of when I was a baby...

I don't have any of that. And I never did. 

I have a hole, a deep abandoned hole. I was left to fend for myself. Left to grow up by myself when the other girls were shopping at the malls with their mom or eating birthday cake I was forgotten. I was a shadow of addiction. When families gathered together for dinner I was hiding in closets or jumping out my bedroom window hiding from chaos. 

I see the looks of people when I openly share my voice. I see the judgment of them. I see their eye rolls. I hear their whispers when I voice my heart. 

And it is days like today I am reminded they can judge me, whisper about me, they can turn their backs from me because none of them know abandonment the way I do. You don't just "Get Over It". 

When you loose your father at 11 and your mother at 18 without even a "Good Bye", without a "I love You", you forever feel abandoned. 

*****************************

Catching my breath

Even when my body is still my mind continues to race. This is reason #155 why I run. 

My Kodak moments do not depict my tortured soul that surfaces and sometimes, like today lingers, haunting me with painful yesterdays. 

Rundown:

Last weeks miles: 38 miles, a step down week

Todays is 3 weeks until Charlevoix Marathon. 

We did our long run today. 20 miles on the Polly Ann Trail @ a 9:19 min/mi. 

"Col. 1:11 "Strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience."

I know God had a plan for me. He strengthened me to prepare me for His will. 

You can't compete in a race with out strength and you can't get to the starting line without patience. 

Some of you may not be putting on a bib and running a race but most of you are running a life race of endurance, strength and perseverance. 

Things don't often happen over night. Be patient with yourself and with others. Some people in your life will never "Get it". That's OK. Its energy you can not afford to loose on people that don't want to understand. 

The enemy of your soul is firing flaming arrows at you, especially when you are down. 

Stay strong, stay focused, never quit loving. 

And Remember, don't let your pains of yesterday dictate your tomorrows. Overcome, never give up and believe of beauty. 

Training TIP:

* When it is meal time a good general guide is to have one quarter of your plate covered with quality protein, one-quarter with a minimally processed whole grain carbohydrate source, and one half with veggies or fruit." Lauren Fleshman  

Anita~