Catching my Breath, abandoned

 "Col. 1:11 "Strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience."

My recovery after my run, protein smoothie, latte from Biggby and I finished my book, tearfully. 

There are things in this life that do not just "GO Away".  Days can pass, years can tumble into each other but no matter where time stands the heart does not respond to the added sunrises and sunsets. 

I finished my May book in 3 days. As I closed the final page of "Where the Crawdads Sing" I couldn't stop crying. I had emotions that resurfaced. Childhood pain that tugged then tore my heart apart. 

I caught my breath and made it through the afternoon as normal as possible..

Until..

We sat at the dinner table finishing a dinner of grilled chicken, smoked ribs, home-made potato salad, baked beans, green beans, corn bread and my sister in loves amazing applesauce chatting about movies. Alec has begged us to watch his favorite, "When a star is born". 

I refuse. 

"Alec, my eyes just quit being swollen from crying over my book, I'm NOT watching that. 

They all started on me to watch it. 

I walked away and came back a few minutes to them watching it and harassing me again to watch it as a family. 

Andy wouldn't let it go and finally I said, "When you guys grow up with my childhood you will understand.." 

My book set me into a emotional tangled mess. I couldn't watch another movie where addiction is a vital component of relationships. Where addiction hurts the very thing we love. 

I sit here so burdened. I am 47 years old. My GOD, when does it stop hurting? It took everything from me. 

I should have a father to look deep into his eyes and see myself. I should be able to have coffee with my mother, should be able to buy her flowers or help her plant a garden. I should be able to ask my father to help me understand my history or tell me stories of when I was a baby...

I don't have any of that. And I never did. 

I have a hole, a deep abandoned hole. I was left to fend for myself. Left to grow up by myself when the other girls were shopping at the malls with their mom or eating birthday cake I was forgotten. I was a shadow of addiction. When families gathered together for dinner I was hiding in closets or jumping out my bedroom window hiding from chaos. 

I see the looks of people when I openly share my voice. I see the judgment of them. I see their eye rolls. I hear their whispers when I voice my heart. 

And it is days like today I am reminded they can judge me, whisper about me, they can turn their backs from me because none of them know abandonment the way I do. You don't just "Get Over It". 

When you loose your father at 11 and your mother at 18 without even a "Good Bye", without a "I love You", you forever feel abandoned. 

*****************************

Catching my breath

Even when my body is still my mind continues to race. This is reason #155 why I run. 

My Kodak moments do not depict my tortured soul that surfaces and sometimes, like today lingers, haunting me with painful yesterdays. 

Rundown:

Last weeks miles: 38 miles, a step down week

Todays is 3 weeks until Charlevoix Marathon. 

We did our long run today. 20 miles on the Polly Ann Trail @ a 9:19 min/mi. 

"Col. 1:11 "Strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience."

I know God had a plan for me. He strengthened me to prepare me for His will. 

You can't compete in a race with out strength and you can't get to the starting line without patience. 

Some of you may not be putting on a bib and running a race but most of you are running a life race of endurance, strength and perseverance. 

Things don't often happen over night. Be patient with yourself and with others. Some people in your life will never "Get it". That's OK. Its energy you can not afford to loose on people that don't want to understand. 

The enemy of your soul is firing flaming arrows at you, especially when you are down. 

Stay strong, stay focused, never quit loving. 

And Remember, don't let your pains of yesterday dictate your tomorrows. Overcome, never give up and believe of beauty. 

Training TIP:

* When it is meal time a good general guide is to have one quarter of your plate covered with quality protein, one-quarter with a minimally processed whole grain carbohydrate source, and one half with veggies or fruit." Lauren Fleshman  

Anita~

Mercy on Me

"Gratitude isn't anchored in ease, Its anchored in intimacy." 

It has been a painful process, Pruning is painful. 

Todays sermon brought comfort to my suffering. It was on God pruning us. I have never been bitter for all the pain and suffering I have had. 

Suffering as a child, a hollow and evil path to adulthood. 

Suffering with cancer, physically God brought me to the brink of death. He cut me back to barely breath. 

But I knew and I know He IS doing it for me to bear fruit. To glorify HIM. 

The worship music saturates my soul, carving out the ugly, softening my heart in praise and humility. 

God removed my pride, envy, dispute, my bitterness, my dreams He pruned out all the things that didn't belong there. Weeds can look pretty from far away but they are death. 

As I listened to Pastor Wes preach I was so grateful God had mercy on me. 

RUNDOWN: 

I ran 18 miles yesterday. 4 weeks out from Charlevoix Marathon. Chris is following Hal Higdons plan. 

His plan had him only running 12 at a 8:28 pace. 

We ran 18m at a 9:30 pace. It ended up in a unplanned group run with both Andy and Rachel. We discovered Rachel on the backroads and she joined us for 8 miles. Andy met us after running 6 miles at at Lost Lake park on Evans Rd. 

But it sat with me. Hals plan is a plan for a 3:40 marathon. 

A VERY lofty goal. 

And it sat there seeping into my mind...

After Church, refreshed by the spirit I was excited to see what God had planned for me. 

I wanted to hit the 12 miles Hal had. 

MOMMA BEAR: 

My first mile I saw a runner out there. I felt my blood pressure go up. This runner I knew, I am not fond of him. He had hurt my son many years ago. Without sharing too many details I wanted to throat punch him, how quickly the Holy Spirit had left me. 

Many bad thoughts ran through my mind as the gap between us closed. 

I thought the best thing I could do was keep running and not trip him. I caught up to him at the corner of Grange Hall and E. Holly. We both stopped our watches waiting for the light to turn. Against my will, I smiled and gave a thumbs up, secretly begging God to turn the lights. AND HE DID. 

I hit my Garmin and bolted across the intersection. 

Fighting for It:

I took off at the intersection too fast. I hit my third mile at a sub  8min/mi. "WHOA Girl, slow your roll, its 82' out and you have 9 more miles." 

I tried to bring my pace down. Steady breathing and drinking. I felt incredible, thanking God for my Latino blood allowing me to tolerate the temps. 

By mile 8, it was on. I was coming up my largest hill on Fish Lake rd. I was struggling. I looked at my pace and it fell apart. I was determined not to walk against my better wishes. 

I had to fight. The clouds were separating and the heat was beating down on me. I was burning up so I kept drinking. I tried to calm my self down.

 I looked down at my pace begging myself to hold it. I extrapolated the numbers and knew I could just phone the last couple miles in and still be OK. 

I had so many ways out:

*it was hot

*I had time banked

*Everyone else that day had bonked

*I ran 18 the day before

By mile 11, I could feel the lactic acid churning in my belly. I thought of my XC kids who had vomited in the heat last week and kept running. I thought of the temps on marathon day and how I needed to train in it. 

I thought I was running in sludge. I couldn't feel my legs but my feet felt like 10lb weights. My heart was beating so hard and I just kept waiting for my Garmin to BEEP. 

I fought all the way AND DID IT! I found a tree to hold me up and rested against it. I still had a mile back home. I walked. 

By the time I arrived home I was so excited. I DID it, I fought all my excuses and DID IT. 

Conclusion: 

So thankful God had Mercy on me, He pruned me back and I am watching him do miracles in me. 

He is putting me back on course, His course. 

Some of you are being pruned, being cut back. It is painful and I am sorry, But you will grow in the process. 

There are things in all of our lives that could use pruning back. I challenge you to start weeding out and pruning back things that are not helping you to grow. 

Anita

Mighty Ways

 The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zeph. 3:17

I ran my fasted 10 miler in months and months at Indian springs last week. It was so hard, I could hardly talk as I tried not to puke. Thankful for Danielle's constant encouragement . 

Last week, I had a physical with Dr. Abraham. I waited 45 minutes for him to come in the room. I found myself getting frustrated but when he looked at me it all melted away. He sat down and casually spoke to me for the equal amount of time I waited. 

My Dr. looked me in the eyes, like he was looking at my soul. His expression showed compassion and kindness. He asked about me. And not the kind of ask that you interrupt or hurry up for a answer. The kind of conversation that truly showed love. 

After over 20 minutes of catching up on life he presented my blood work to me. 

With 18 months cancer free, I was curious about my numbers. All that chemo can really do aa number on you. I have been struggling with fatigue, rapid weight loss and bruising. 

If I didn't burn you all out with my cancer, I burned myself out. But as I waited for my results, it was like a trigger an addict might get driving through a neighborhood they once bought their drugs. 

I felt my heart in my throat, my ears were ringing and I was scared to hear what Dr, Abraham was going to share. 

"Anita, I am not an oncologist so I do not understand how some of these number work but your white blood count is still very low..." 

I smiled and responded, "You have to look at my neutrophils...." 

Truth be told after circling numbers of praise I am extremely healthy. My white blood is low because I am burning the flames at both ends. 

"I will rest when I get to heaven Dr. Abraham." I smiled after rehearsing my weekly schedule. 

Between work, running, coaching, ministry and family I am tired but refuse to cut anything out. 

"Dr. Abraham, God gave me life, I have to use it for Him, I coach these kids because someone has to stand in the gap for them. We are to be "weary in well doing". I love these kids.  And my addiction ministry, families are being torn apart, drugs are being so desensitized....." 

He just stared at me. "How did you get into that ministry?' 

I smiled, I survived 2 parents who were addicts, I know what it did to me...." 

My take away on my Dr.s appointment had nothing to do with the results of my test and everything to do with how I need to be better, a better listener, more compassionate, more patience, genuinely LOVE. In my day to day life, rarely do people inquire about me. Dr. Abraham was genuine. A beautiful representation of selflessness and kindness. 

RUNDOWN: 

May 3-9th: 57.6 miles

May 10th-16th: 68.77miles

I get up every morning early enough to enjoy my coffee and quiet time. 

I value my quiet time. I often evaluate all the failures, mistakes and insecurities I am struggling with. I battle crazy dialogue. I see my failures, my weaknesses, and try to detach from the judgments of others that rent way to much space in my head. 

God reminds me in these quiet moments that he fills my love tank and secures a place in Him where others can not. 

In these private places, invisible to all, He is doing a work in me. 

Gods power is presented in might ways invisible to the modern man. 

WHY DO I SHARE THIS? 

Many can not understand how God has not just healed me but strengthened me. In so many ways I feel like a little miracle. 

How I have gotten faster and stronger in my running.

Its easy for me to share. 

While this world rests on their own abilities, their own strengths, their own pride, I humbly can not do that. I am A NOTHING. Insignificant to most, an annoyance to many, a shadow to others but a somebody to HIM. 

I have seen more miracles in my 47 years than many will ever see in a lifetime. And the unexplainable is understandable because of my Faith in Him. 

 

RUNNING IN THE HEAT: 

• Dehydration often leads to slower times.  The last couple days the temps have risen. Do not get discouraged when you run in the temps and you struggle to get your pace down. High temps can lower you pace up to 10%. 
• Running between 10-4pm is when UV rays are most potent. Remember sunglasses, sunscreen or a hat if you are running at these times. 

Anita~

 CHARLEVOIX MARATHON T-4 WEEKS!!  I sure hope I can get a sub 4 hour this time!

The Grind

 "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

 1 Cor. 10:31

Someday is not a day of the week. 

This Monday made the passion a grind. Rainy, overcast and otherwise dreary day. The schedule to run and bike had to be adjusted and I was not motivated. 

I am good at procrastinating. I was dragging. The slumber had settled in. I struggled to come up with a new plan. 

Out of sorts, I gathered myself, my pack, my music and coaxed myself out the door. 

Grind it out. 

Less than 2 miles down the road, I was already drenched. I was coming out of my skin. My sugar had dropped and I could hardly think. I heard a car come up along side of me. It was Andy, "Do you want me to take you back home?" 

Without out thinking, I responded "No, No, I'm good..." I smiled and waved him off. 

LIES. LIES. 

I was not good. I was trying to convince myself I was good. I was walking down Grange Hall road trying to find my trail mix. My legs were heavy and sluggish. My heart was racing and my head felt like a bowling ball,  I felt like I was going to just fall over. I wanted to lay down in the ditch. 

The cars flew past me, whipping up wind and rain. I pulled the rim of my hat down and shoveled the trail mix in my mouth, begging my body to recover so I could run and get off that God Forsaken road. 

I walked a half a mile and carefully turned my legs over into a jog. By the time I got to Hess Rd, my body had recovered but was lethargic. I was so tempted to quit and go home. 

 

Almost 5 miles to Holdridge, I decided to run the West loop. Dripping wet, I cautiously headed to the trails hoping I wouldn't slip, trip or flip. 

5 miles later, 4 deer, 2 bunnies and 1 sand hill crane I was heading back home. 

15 miles total. They weren't pretty, no bragging rights or breaking records but I did GRIND em' out.

The Audience of ONE

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 

Today, as I ran quietly with myself. I reminded myself of how far God has brought me. How He has healed my body from cancer and strengthened me. I feel closer to my precancer self everyday. I am humbled by how much God has brought me out of sickness and weakness. Even on my weakest day I am stronger than I was. 

Saturday, we had a group run out at Holly rec. The group took off fast, too fast for me. But I put my speaker on and ran my little heart out. I couldn't keep up with them but I ran the fastest I had ever ran on those trails that day. I felt great coming out of the woods. Strong, confident, joyful in the Lord.  I have learned to run for an audience of ONE. Myself. Even on my loneliest of runs, I am never alone.  God took care of me when I was sick and He has never left me.  

Somedays its not a passion, its not a pleasure, its a GRIND. There is more of a lesson in overcoming the GRIND than quitting. 

For me, its an opportunity to Glorify God. To remember where He has brought me from and give thanks for where he has taken me. 

Anita