A Legacy of Love.

 "Full many a glorious morning I have seen." William Shakespeare

I have been working on this for a few days. But the snow really brought it together. 

Everything covered in billowing white snow. Fresh. So calming. Quiet and peaceful. 

I see myself just staring out looking for serenity. Looking for God to calm my spirit. 

Another Christmas of memories not forgotten. 

Memories that tears still rest heavy in my eyes, longing for another conversation, another touch, another moment together with those that have gone before me. 

To hold them one more time. 

I cling to a couple sentiments that represent those I love and miss so dearly, a letter, a bible, a photo to cling to. 

Christmas does this every year to me. SO much joy shared, laughter and moments of love built around the memories of those I miss terribly. 

My grandma and I are notes takers. I had a couple different legacies I could have followed. My Grandma LOVED the Lord with all her heart and soul. She was strong and kind. She loved words. I followed after my grandma, She held the bar I will never reach. I am always so inspired by her strength. She lived to be 99. She had so much loss but never a loss of Love. 

I have learned how to grieve well. How to cry silently. I have learned how to be capable but not comfortable in my grief. Confident in my heartache. 

But God it still hurts so much. All these years later. All these months later. All these weeks later. 

As equipped as I think I am spiritually I get taken out so unexpectedly by grief. I grab all the sweetest memories, I try to analyze and compartmentalize my grief and can't get a grip. 

We all grieve differently. Different isn't wrong. Some see joy where there is pain and some see pain where there was joy. Learning how to grieve is the hardest part. Do it gently to yourself and others. 

Reason #312 I run. 

To Run away from it. 

To Run to it.

To Run it through my head. 

To Run with it. 

To Breathe. To let it all settle it. 

"Come what may, I want to run." 2 Samuel 18:23

Christmas afternoon, Andy and I put on our new gear and headed out for a little run. I just tucked in behind him trying to keep up and not slip. I would fall back when the road got thick with snow trying not to fall. My body still weak from months of chemo over a year ago but my mind determined to keep close. I could hear my heavy breathing. I could also hear those voices I was running from. I tried so hard to not cry in fear the tears would freeze. "Keep Running Nita...just run...."

LAST NIGHT. 

I was texting my sis in love, Leeanne in Florida. I was trying to convince her to run a race with me. 

ME: Hey, Don't give up because your old! Cuz  your only 4 more years older than me!

Leeanne: Yes but your amazing and more dedicated!!

Me: No, I'm just stubborn and emotional!

I run to control the emotions. Reason #263

Rundown: 

My miles are down, maybe that's why my emotions are high! 

To all those struggling this Christmas, I know I am not the only one, I am sending you a hug. 

Love Conquers All. 

Anita

Pilgrimage.

 "And that's the way I connected to God, That's how He speaks to me. For some reason storms give me peace. Because I know He's in charge of it. So in the same way He's in charge of my natural storm, He's in charge of my spiritual storms, My emotional storms. The human condition. When I am broken, when I want to give up, I know He's there." Pastor John Gray

I struggled getting out the door today. Monday, a day there is never enough coffee, never enough time and never enough energy to get through my endless list of procrastinated chores and deeds.  The motivation to tackle everything is there, the intention is there but I keep interrupting myself leaving half done things scattered throughout the house. 

I NEED TO FOCUS. 

Get out the door. 

Hello Winter. 29 degrees and windy. Monday Runday. 

All alone in the woods, I decided to run silently. Unplugged. 

Even hidden in the tall trees, the wind cut through me.  I was void of ambition to dig deep. I planned to run 12 miles, however, 10 miles sounded good, maybe even 9...

"Just get through the first loop Nita." I coaxed myself. 

"You have no race your training for, just take it easy." I reminded myself I wasn't training for anything anymore. My 50K, Yankee Springs was cancelled. Cancelled of course the day I ran 21 miles. My luck!

Somewhere between mile 2 and 3 I came up with a plan. *Take the first loop easy, walk the hills, keep your heart rate down and then try to shave off some time on the second loop. No music the first loop, try to work some stuff out in your head, then the second loop, tune it all OUT with music. 

I took the first hour and 8 minutes just thinking.  As Pastor Gray spoke of the oneness with God in storms, I related to this as I maneuvered solely through the trails at Holly Rec. 

I went through my emotional storms that I have been battling. Listening to my reasonings, my aggravations, my justifications and the narrative that I spoke to myself. I dissected my thoughts, ultimately asking God to "Search me..." 

The miles seemed to come together quicker than my solutions to being a better person were. 

But as I followed that last mile in, I gave it all to God. I had peace that I had sought Him in the cold and windy storms I have been battling. 

I turned my music all the way up for that second loop. 

Psalm 84:5-7 "Blessed are those whose strength is on you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage." 

This was part of my morning devotion today. 

In the first loop, I was thinking of a half dozen ways to NOT run 2 of the 6 mile loops. 

But I knew I had to keep moving. This is what "pilgrimage" means. Journey. Trip. Mission. 

As bad as I wanted to quit, as fatigued as I felt, I knew I had to keep moving. 

It took everything I had to just keep moving. 

As I came unto a hill, "Pump your arms..." I spoke to myself  trying to convince myself I am stronger than I feel. 

As I picked up my pace, I felt my heart pumping hot blood through my veins. My cheeks began heating up and I could feel sweat forming along my neck. My music was loud that I saw deer, squirrels and birds scattering as I came down the icy trail. I smiled. 

It felt good knowing I didn't quit. It felt good knowing I was only as strong as I convinced myself. I felt good having a "come to Jesus" meeting to prepare me for the day. 

I felt good knowing I didn't solve all my issues but I had peace in them. 

Anita~

Rundown: 

I took 3 RECOVERY days this week. I worked 4 days this week. On my feet all day doesn't make good run days. 

I also cross trained Wednesday, only running 3 miles but biking 15 miles. 

TOTAL weekly miles: 54.6

I was super stoked I got these miles, I had a lot of big runs preparing myself for a race that got canceled. I wasn't too disappointed. After the injuries I have come out of, I am grateful to still be upright! 

Sun burns in December

 

One summer many moons ago I got a really bad sunburn. The kind of sunburn that you can hardly move, you feel like your skin is cracking. Clothes hurt, you can't sleep at night, even a shower feels like you are getting pelted with sand. Every day you expect it to get better only to have new symptoms. Your skin is so sensitive that it makes everything you do a struggle. 

That is what so many of us are all like these days. So many people are struggling. We are hurting from depression, isolation, they are hurting from finances, fear, and the list goes on. 

I am so grateful to be cancer free but the reality is life is like that sunburn. I am healing but I am still so sensitive. I am cancer free. But covid has not been a great environment to heal. 

The world is struggling themselves. I am struggling with this whole covid pandemic and I have all this stupid residual damage from my cancer. 

I asked Andy last week if it is possible for an extrovert to turn introvert? I find myself so emotionally sensitive these days that isolating has been my safest choice. 

I have paused painting rocks and started painting birdhouses, just as ridiculous. 

Running is the best therapy. Most of my runs these days are solo. Do you ever listen to your own narrative? 

What do your thoughts say? 

What do they say about others? 

What do they say about yourself? 

I want to enjoy people. I want to be carefree and transparent. I want laughter and love. 

But its a struggle. 

A struggle for all. 

"Thank You"

I went out for a 7 mile run Saturday. Easy solo run. Just a run to feel the crisp morning air. To turn the legs over and to smile as I counseled myself. 

I ran through downtown Holly pain free and grateful. I looked around at all the deflated Christmas decorations and laughed to myself at the similarities I shared with them. 

As I ran down Saginaw I saw my favorite white boxer being walked by his own, Franz. 

I always say "Hi". You see, Franz lost his only daughter in 2016, murdered on Fish Lake Road, running. Her murderer never found. I organized a run in her honor where I met Franz for the first time. "Ally" was his only child. 

Yesterday, I didn't just say "Hi", I stopped. I didn't even bother to stop my watch. I asked if I could pet his dog, Zeus. Franz cheerfully said yes and proceeded to tell me about his dog. He didn't recognize me all bundled up so I reintroduced myself. He shared his broken heart, explaining that Zeus was a rescue dog to help him and his wife with their grief, but the truth is their fur baby actually rescued them. 

I just listened. I looked at him, deeply, into his wounded heart. When it was safe I gently told him it is always great to see him and Zeus and he replied, "Thank you, thank you for talking with me." 

He just needed me to be present. To meet him where he was at. 

"Galatians 6:2 "Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." 

Loving one another. Loving the broken. Encouraging one another, edifying and supplying your gifts for building others up. 

Some days it is hard to do this, it is hard to give when you feel empty, you cant give from a empty cup. 

Ahh, but how our cup fills when we love others. 

Many of us are sensitive right now. It made me feel good knowing I made him feel good just by being present. 

RUNDOWN: 

Weekly miles: 46.25

Longest Run: 17 miles @ Highland Rec

Today I start my "Back to Back" run in preparation for January 2nd, Yankee Springs 50K. I had to really talk Andy into running with me. I needed company! 

Today 10 miles, tomorrow 20-22 miles, between 4-5 hours of running. I am curious to see how I do. 

A little nervous. Its a lot of time in my head! 

 Anita!

"Running has taught me to love my brain, my body, and what both can do for me when I use them wisely and appreciate them." Meggie Smith