Wonders.

My thoughts are connecting every week more and more. I am now coming unto 10 months post chemo.
I get so excited when I remember that I am remembering things.
People are not looking at me strange because I have repeated a story 3 times. 1 "Anita story" is BAD enough, it shouldn't be repeated even then!

As I type, I can see my reflection in the screen, I have a full blown Bozo the clown hairstyle going on. It is full of thick salt and pepper colored curls sprawling in different directions.

I have lost some of my chemo weight but still can not get my shorts buttoned.

My scars are fading, some bruising still appears where my port was removed in March.

Menapause has been gentle to me. I really haven't noticed much other than the hot flashes.

And yet.....

I have so much recovering still to do. Wednesday, I have one last surgery on my breasts. Fat grafting to try and conceal the ripples around my breasts.
To be quite honest, I really don't even care that my boobies have ridges and creases around them. I showed someone the other day and they got squeamish.
I am just done.

I remember saying "I don't want Breast Cancer to be my story, maybe a chapter but not my whole story."
I had no idea the impact cancer was going to have on me.

It doesnt just alter your body physically, it changes you as a person.
It changes ….
Your relationships.
Your finances.
Your emotions.

And the reality is, no one will every understand until they walk in your shoes. A journey I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I have been struggling for months.
I find the silver lining in most things.
I make sure my cup is half full and not half empty.
I turn my frown upside down.

But lately I hear my responses to people when they ask "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine...."

Wonders...

Chronicles 16:12 "Remember the wonders He has done, His miracles and the judgements He has pronounced..." 

I was gently reminded that the God of yesterdays wonders is still the same God today.
In my struggles, my emotional fragments scattered like broken china I am trying to pick up the peices.
I wish in some ways my memory wouldn't come back.
My sensitive self is struggling.
As I continue to pick my pieces up and I intentionally reminding myself of His Wonders He has already done in me.

In the stresses of the day, the chaos of the world, the fears of tomorrows, the confusion in our relationships, the pains of daily life, let us not forget the Wonders of yesterday.

Anita.