I had such a great day.
PT at 7:30am.
I met Danielle at Dauhner Park for a hike/run.
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| I had so much fun on the trails with Danielle and her dog Marlin. This was a beautiful part of my day. |
And with energy left I met Andy at the gym by 3:30
I should have known it was too much.
H-hungry
A-angry
L-lonely
T-tired
I was pretty much all of these when I met him, except for lonely. I am rarely lonely, even when I am alone the voices in my head always throw a party. Anyway, the combination of these elements make for a great emotional meltdown.
We were on the spin bikes. I had already rowed for 10 minutes and did 20 minutes on the elliptical with core work.
I just want to say I HATE SPIN. I SUCK at bike riding.
Andy pulled a bike over upon MY request to help me do a work out on the bike.
Within the first 5 minutes I was already sweating and it was just our "warm up".
Andy kept increasing the tension. He had me jogging off the saddle then back on but then added more tension.
I looked at him in revolt only he looked at me like "Dude, come on, pick it up candy A$$…"
Now remember, Andy never actually said this.
It was the straw that broke the camels back.
HALT
I wish I would have halted.
NOPE, Instead like a 5 year old, I jumped off the bike in the middle of the track and stomped off.
I had no idea where I was going so I just walked.
Poor Andy. He came over to me trying to figure out what happened and I barked back at him. "I was trying to keep up and you....."
Andy did what any wise husband does at that point, walked away.
I was so mad at myself. I was just mad at everything.
I needed to get back on the stupid God forsaken bike and suck it up.
I also needed to apologize. I am a stubborn fool.
I rode it out, I rode till the sweat stung my eyes and I wanted to cry.
Then I got off, went to the locker grabbed my stuff and headed to my truck.
Before I climbed into my truck I swallowed my pride and texted Andy an apology.
"I'm sorry for making a scene, I was just frustrated and hurting and you couldn't see that. I am sorry I was a brat."
Andy responded "WHO IS THIS? And what did you do with my wife.....?
I smiled.
After I had calmed down I texted him again my frustrations not with him but with myself.
The truth is I hate not being my old self. I feel so weak. All these emotions started erupting and I found myself sitting in my truck outside of Yungs Chinese sobbing. I felt vexed. Sad. Emotionally disoriented.
I can't control my body and I can't control my emotions.
This was the second time I had been a bone head and had to apologize for my actions in the last week.
I have since calmed down. I reflected on my day and was able to readjust my thoughts. I had one bad moment. And I recovered without blame shifting or deflecting.
I genuinely apologized and even confessed my embarrassment over my bratty behavior.
So this is me letting you see some "realness".
Being transparent helps me heal, recover and hopefully get better at the "apology" process. Saying sorry isn't easy for me. But knowing I hurt someone is even harder on me.
The process is painful but purposeful.
RUNDOWN:
PT: strength, balance, squats, bands 1 hour.
Run/walk: 3.5 miles
GAC: row 10min, Elliptical 20 minutes, core, legs strength, bike 20 hellashish minutes.
My biggest work out of the evening was pulling up my big girl pants and saying "I am Sorry..."
Anita~
Apologizing does not always mean that you are wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.
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