Control your Chaos

I just want to go postal. I want my rage, my anger, my disappointments, my heartache to blaze like a dragon burning down a mountainside. 
I want to go old school ballistic, thrashing and throwing my darkness around like a ragdoll. 
Like "roid rage" I want my venom to spew. 

Riddled by unfairness and cursed with bad genetics I feel so picked on. 
I didn't know God was a bully..I quickly suck back in the thought as I say such blasphemy. 

I am just so crushed. The mind plays terrible tricks on you when your heart is wounded.

"Were YOU running?" I hear many ask. Most are genuine but I also hear the snickers....I see that twitch in your eye....

RUNNING IS my Passion. It is a passion God has given me. God allowed me to continue to run through cancer. It was my therapy. It was my quiet place. It was a piece of me that brought me joy that CANCER didn't steal.
Some pray on their knees, I like to pray through the trees.

Being injured and not being able to run is devastating. And maybe some of you struggle with this concept.  And your words have hurt. I don't understand how people would think its ok to have someone's happiness taken away.
Running is not malicious, or hurtful therefore, I do not understand how people can think it is ok to give that look to me, the look that reads "that's what you get...."

My Ortho appointment. 

Over an hour behind we patiently waited.
They took Xrays in the office. I waited for Dr. Siatczynski to recognize me from our knee history together.
AIRHEAD ANITA move.
The dr. came in looking the same as he had 10 years ago. Tall, slender and always dressed in a suit. His school boy smile reads my history connecting the data with my recent injury.
"So Anita, it is the same knee...?
"No, No its my left knee, not my bad knee" I respond
He looks up at me, down at the chart and responds confused, "..you said left knee, you mean right knee, we did surgery on your left, what do you mean by bad knee..."
I was so confused, I pulled up my pant leg looking for my scars. the problem is I have scars everywhere.
But a lot more scars on my LEFT knee! DEAR SWEET Jesus, it was my bad knee, the one I have had 2 ACL surgeries on. I think when my knee went out last week my brains felt out too.
Once we got all that chaos in order Dr. Siatczynski accessed me and addressed the issue.
I was ready to schedule surgery.
He sat back in his chair with his quirky smile and tells me "It sounds like meniscus or runners knee and possibly both..."
He talked about the care for those, the pros the cons and the plan he could offer.
Rest, physical therapy and if it doesn't get better see him in a month but he didn't think I needed surgery especially if it was meniscus.
AND then HE SAID THIS....
"..and RUN if you can."

"Deut. 33:27 "The eternal God is your dwelling place and underneath are the everlasting arms, He will drive out your enemies before you saying, Destroy them"

CONTROL your Chaos. 

A line I heard multiple times in a Netflix series I watched this week. 

I know God has been holding me together because everything inside me feels like it is giving away.

DESTROY THEM....My enemy is my thoughts. Out of a wounded heart, darkness doesn't just seep out it is errupts like a fiery volcano. 

10 months of stolen moments, broken days, sleepless nights, fearful moments erupte like molten lava. 

And those same strong and powerful arms that protected me, saved me and  healed me was reaching out to me putting my broken pieces back together again. So gentle He again rescues me. 

I need those arms to wrap around me and shelter me from myself. 

If God sets me down to rest, to Be Still, it is His design. I just need Him to help me Control my Chaos. 

Life Isn't Fair. It is a Hard Knock Life. Build a bridge Anita and Get over it. 

Special thanks to THE POWELLS. Both Joann and Carolynn Powell sent me cards this week and I received them on the same day. This is my old pastors wife and sister in law. I have felt so much LOVE from the Powells. I am very grateful for these Godly woman. 

Radiation #13 DONE! I am half way DONE! So far so good! 

Anita~