“How long can I sit here not doing the thing
I want to do.” ― The Last Usable Hour
I want to do.” ― The Last Usable Hour
Maybe, I am a little paranoid but I think that lil anesthesiologist had it out for me.
She introduced herself as if she was meeting me at a baseball game. She was about my size, in her 30's and a bit rough around the corners. I saw her checking me out from inside my pre op room. She was looking at my chart and talking about me to the nurses. I couldn't hear what she said but thought it was funny when I witnessed her doing running stretches directly outside my room against the nurses station. When she spoke to me she was punky. I laughed inside.
Here I lay ready to have another surgery and I look like I have been hit with the ugly stick, no make-up, jacked up hair, and circles around my eyes. I was like "Sister, Just Stop with yourself."
I just had a really bad vibe....
"Nita, are you nervous?" mom asked me. "Nope! Not at all.." I just don't get rattled anymore. Once you have been diagnosed with a aggressive cancer that is decorated with surgeries, chemo, radiation, pokes and tests, you just don't get rattled. I know what pain feels like. It is no longer foreign. I have met the unwanted guest. I have danced with the devil. He doesn't scare me anymore. And I am just not afraid of dying any longer.
My surgery was scheduled for 2:30pm on Monday. They didn't take me back until after 3:30.
"Anita, take some really big breaths for me..."
That is all I remember.
I couldn't wake up. I couldn't raise my hands. The post op hall was quiet and empty. Droggy, I came in and out. Sluggish, my body was so heavy. I couldn't figure out what time it was. My nurse came to me, "Hi, are you waking up?"
"I am trying" I responded like I was underwater. And I fell back out again. I have no idea how long I was sleeping when I tried to open my eyes again.
My nurse was standing near me. Almost whispering I ask "What time is it?"
"It's almost 7pm.
My mind was spinning, I was trying to do the math. Surgery was only an hour, I had been sleeping almost 2.5 hours. And I was so nauseous.
I just wanted to go home. They brought my family back and I tried to drink some coffee. My belly was tripping over itself. This is NOT the way I wanted to wake up.
I got dressed and they were wheeling me out within the hour.
My belly was so sore. I could hardly move. I was in more pain then I was when they lobbed my lil boobies off. I was so confused how a simple laparoscopic surgery could do this much damage.
They gave me Fentanyl for pain. My first narcotic.
Mondays sleep was a crap shoot.
I was looking forward to seeing Dr. Hainer Tuesday afternoon. I was ready to get these expanders out. I don't care that I am still only a "A Cup". I AM DONE.
Dr. Hainer comes in to look me over, "So, are you ready for another fill?" He says with a smirk.
"You are the perfect size for your frame..." We scheduled my surgery for Monday.
It is just a lot. So many surgeries. I stay positive. Looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. Clinging to the smiles of my surgeons and nurses.
A little longer. I just have to hold on a little longer.
It's another wall in this marathon. "Yes, you can run, it's been 5 weeks...." Dr. Hainer gave me the official Ok.
I never told him I had ran the 5K. I never told him I ran on Thanksgiving. I also never told him my mind is a battlefield and I am on the verge of being admitted into a little white room with padded walls.
The car was barely warmed up when I called Lacey. "LACEY! I got the OK to RUN!"
Without much of a breath I was asking her if she could run with me.
My OBGYN told me I had to listen to my body. Well my mind is part of my body.
My head is spinning with crazy talk. I am not sifting through my emotions so well these days.
Wednesday morning I showed up in Laceys driveway with Sheba. I didn't know what our run would look like. I didn't have any expectations. I was just so excited to RUN.
5 miles we ran with our dogs. It wasn't fast. 54 minutes. We walked the hills. We took it easy. My belly was still tender. My stitches were tucked underneath steri-strips, protected.
Listen. Before you judge me for being a bad patient. Before you get mad at me for being irresponsible, before you say anything, understand this.
NOBODY is with me more than I have been with myself.
Company comes and company goes. And I am alone with my thoughts.
I am awake throughout the night desperately trying to shut the voices out.
I am stuck.
I am stuck with myself.
I try to be positive. Keep my chin up but I am stuck.
I can't move. I am sinking, a very slow fade. All these restrictions have me frozen in time. I am held hostage in a glass globe as the world is spinning around me. I am tired of sitting on the side lines. I want to participate in life.
I am tired of being broken. Handicap.
So, Yeah, I RAN. And it felt good. It felt good to inhale the crisp air, to feel my heart beating and my muscles firing.
And it felt good to have Lacey run next to me. To be there for me on my first official run.
That was yesterday. I had enough common sense not to push my luck.
I met Jeff for a walk.
No watch, No destination. No plan but to walk. Just to be free. Unleashed. Released.
I don't know how far we walked or even how fast. I just know I wasn't STUCK.
Yes, I know I took a chance running. I do that. Take chances. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they don't.
But you don't know what you don't know.
We are often our own worst enemy.
I have not gotten this far without taking a few chances. Like an entire summer of chances.
I ran all summer against the odds that were before me. I didn't want to be stuck on stupid because I had cancer.
Be careful people. Don't get STUCK because it is the safest choice. Learn to live by Faith. Trusting God will open doors for you, protect you, strengthen you and bless you.
Because he will.
Anita~
Here I lay ready to have another surgery and I look like I have been hit with the ugly stick, no make-up, jacked up hair, and circles around my eyes. I was like "Sister, Just Stop with yourself."
I just had a really bad vibe....
"Nita, are you nervous?" mom asked me. "Nope! Not at all.." I just don't get rattled anymore. Once you have been diagnosed with a aggressive cancer that is decorated with surgeries, chemo, radiation, pokes and tests, you just don't get rattled. I know what pain feels like. It is no longer foreign. I have met the unwanted guest. I have danced with the devil. He doesn't scare me anymore. And I am just not afraid of dying any longer.
My surgery was scheduled for 2:30pm on Monday. They didn't take me back until after 3:30.
"Anita, take some really big breaths for me..."
That is all I remember.
I couldn't wake up. I couldn't raise my hands. The post op hall was quiet and empty. Droggy, I came in and out. Sluggish, my body was so heavy. I couldn't figure out what time it was. My nurse came to me, "Hi, are you waking up?"
"I am trying" I responded like I was underwater. And I fell back out again. I have no idea how long I was sleeping when I tried to open my eyes again.
My nurse was standing near me. Almost whispering I ask "What time is it?"
"It's almost 7pm.
My mind was spinning, I was trying to do the math. Surgery was only an hour, I had been sleeping almost 2.5 hours. And I was so nauseous.
 |
| Yeah....That anesthesiologist gave me enough juice to put out a herd of elephants. |
I just wanted to go home. They brought my family back and I tried to drink some coffee. My belly was tripping over itself. This is NOT the way I wanted to wake up.
I got dressed and they were wheeling me out within the hour.
My belly was so sore. I could hardly move. I was in more pain then I was when they lobbed my lil boobies off. I was so confused how a simple laparoscopic surgery could do this much damage.
They gave me Fentanyl for pain. My first narcotic.
 |
This is the incisions from my surgery, it is done laparoscopic.
They give you these disposable panties. It is crazy how these 3 little
incisions can cause so much soreness.
|
Mondays sleep was a crap shoot.
I was looking forward to seeing Dr. Hainer Tuesday afternoon. I was ready to get these expanders out. I don't care that I am still only a "A Cup". I AM DONE.
Dr. Hainer comes in to look me over, "So, are you ready for another fill?" He says with a smirk.
"You are the perfect size for your frame..." We scheduled my surgery for Monday.
It is just a lot. So many surgeries. I stay positive. Looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. Clinging to the smiles of my surgeons and nurses.
A little longer. I just have to hold on a little longer.
It's another wall in this marathon. "Yes, you can run, it's been 5 weeks...." Dr. Hainer gave me the official Ok.
I never told him I had ran the 5K. I never told him I ran on Thanksgiving. I also never told him my mind is a battlefield and I am on the verge of being admitted into a little white room with padded walls.
The car was barely warmed up when I called Lacey. "LACEY! I got the OK to RUN!"
Without much of a breath I was asking her if she could run with me.
My OBGYN told me I had to listen to my body. Well my mind is part of my body.
My head is spinning with crazy talk. I am not sifting through my emotions so well these days.
Wednesday morning I showed up in Laceys driveway with Sheba. I didn't know what our run would look like. I didn't have any expectations. I was just so excited to RUN.
5 miles we ran with our dogs. It wasn't fast. 54 minutes. We walked the hills. We took it easy. My belly was still tender. My stitches were tucked underneath steri-strips, protected.
Listen. Before you judge me for being a bad patient. Before you get mad at me for being irresponsible, before you say anything, understand this.
NOBODY is with me more than I have been with myself.
Company comes and company goes. And I am alone with my thoughts.
I am awake throughout the night desperately trying to shut the voices out.
I am stuck.
I am stuck with myself.
I try to be positive. Keep my chin up but I am stuck.
I can't move. I am sinking, a very slow fade. All these restrictions have me frozen in time. I am held hostage in a glass globe as the world is spinning around me. I am tired of sitting on the side lines. I want to participate in life.
I am tired of being broken. Handicap.
So, Yeah, I RAN. And it felt good. It felt good to inhale the crisp air, to feel my heart beating and my muscles firing.
And it felt good to have Lacey run next to me. To be there for me on my first official run.
That was yesterday. I had enough common sense not to push my luck.
I met Jeff for a walk.
No watch, No destination. No plan but to walk. Just to be free. Unleashed. Released.
I don't know how far we walked or even how fast. I just know I wasn't STUCK.
Yes, I know I took a chance running. I do that. Take chances. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they don't.
But you don't know what you don't know.
We are often our own worst enemy.
I have not gotten this far without taking a few chances. Like an entire summer of chances.
I ran all summer against the odds that were before me. I didn't want to be stuck on stupid because I had cancer.
Be careful people. Don't get STUCK because it is the safest choice. Learn to live by Faith. Trusting God will open doors for you, protect you, strengthen you and bless you.
Because he will.
Remember, you are not a product of your circumstances, you are a product of the decisions that you make.
 |
Claudia send me this article on items that cancer patients should have. This bra was one of the things they listed for mastectomy's. The fabric is so soft. It has a deep scoop and no underwire.
|
Anita~
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