Reflection.

"What, then is to be done? To make the best of what is in our power, and take the rest as it naturally happens." Epictetus

My pee brain might appear to most that surround me to hold a big VACANT sign but I can assure you the darn thing is on overdrive.

While I am not the sharpest tool in the shed and I really am not one to try and pretend, my brain is on constant overdrive mode.

I am not as much of an airhead as most think.

The things that circulate in my mind are not heavy with knowledge or information.

I regurgitate my mistakes, my mishaps, my bad attitudes and poor responses.
I try to think of ways I could have done things a little better.

REFLECTION: 21 weeks of Chemo. 
I can honestly say I fought HELL to be the best Anita in misery, in pain, in grief and in total suck mode.
My BIGGEST obstacle I wanted to fight  getting through chemo was not being a douche-nugget.
I told Andy and a few friends "Please DO NOT let me pull the "Cancer Card" and allow cancer to let me behave badly."
I didn't want to use the excuse "I have Cancer I can't deal with ….."  or "I have Cancer they can just get over it…" or a million other things.
I learned a lot about myself and about others.
I learned to give grace and love. To forgive and let go. I learned that even when you have cancer it still is NOT all about YOU.
I learned to Get over Myself, to not just fight for me but to fight to be the best me for others. And in return I felt better, stronger and braver.

RUNNING REFECTION: 
I never quit running. Today I saw Dr. Cotant. He read his notes he had on me in the beginning, "Anita is an ultra runner, running about 50 miles a week...." He then laughed.
He never thought I would continue to run as well as I did, and as he reread his notes on me he just laughed at how far we came and all the victories  I had during chemo.
My poor friends didn't know what to do with me, they worried for me. Poor Claudia said she wouldn't run with me because she thought I would hurt myself.
And Lacey, she figured out quickly I was going to run with or without her.
Claudia called me every week to check on me and run with me when our schedules worked.
And so I ran. I ran the best I could.
Some runs were good, and some runs were good because I did it, not because it felt good.
But I did it with NO regrets. I ran as much as my body would let me. I gave all my heart in every mile and again tried NOT to be a douche nugget running.

I AM GETTING STRONGER. Towards the end of chemo I started to fall apart. So weak.

STRENGTH. I love the illustration of the Butterfly. Who knows, maybe one day I may even get a lil one tattooed to remind me of this journey. 

I have felt the darkness and I have fought it. And I am coming out of it. 

And I appreciate the Darkness. I am grateful for the Darkness. I have grown so much tucked away, put on my knees, blinded by faith alone. 

Most Weeks Complete Runner have themes and they alwasy have goodies when we finish. 

Every Thursday night Complete Runner meets for a 5 mile group run. Andy and I have made it out running date when I felt good. The last 3 weeks since being off chemo, I have made it. Each week, I have gotten a lil bit faster. I am sucking wind trying to keep up with Antonio and the faster runners. They beat me every week. I am not trying to beat them, I am just trying to get stronger and they are inspiring me. Last week I only beat my previous week by 1 second. Andy said it didn't count. OH BUT IT COUNTED TO ME! I was SOO excited over that 1 second. 

Grand Rapids Half Marathon. 

A last minute girls weekend with Lacey and Melissa to Grand Rapids.

I planned to run the half marathon. I haven't ran a half marathon in a long time. 

My best HM time was in 2011, I ran a 1:37:03 at Detroit. Those days are long gone. 

I didn't want to mess my legs up for this weekends Marine Corp Marathon but I really wanted to RUN! 

For One..I forgot my running shoes! I had to buy new ones at the expo. The Expo we barely made it to because I had to work, it was a 2 hour drive and the expo closed at 6pm. They were mostly shutting things down when we got there. I was praying they would still have a running store selling shoes, and they did! 

Funny thing...when we got back to the hotel and unpacked to lay out our clothes, I FOUND MY shoes! Typical Anita! 

For Two...I have no idea how we ended up so late getting to the starting line. Like so late Lacey and I jumped out of the van leaving poor Melissa to make her way back as we bolted seeing runners already taking off! 

We literally were THE LAST 2 runners to cross the starting matt! 

GRAND RAPIDS Half Marathon was AWESOME! 

All that speed work with Complete Runner proved itself on the course! 

If you want to get faster, run with those faster than you. All those weeks of sucking wind resulted in a strong Half Marathon. 

Typical Anita style, I messed my watch up and couldn't figure out what mile I was at. I liked the idea of not knowing. I took off passing HUNDREDS of runners. remember I was the LAST runner. Passing so many runners did 2 things.
1. It gave me so much energy whipping in and out of everyone. 
2. It set the momentum of my pace. At one mile, I saw that I was running a sub 8min/mi and realized I need to slow my role. 

My head was beaded with sweat. As soon as I took my cap off, I experienced a whole new race. Every aid station, every spectator hub  and every volunteer shouted, jumped out to high five me and shouted "YOU ARE AMAZING!" "You are incredible!" 

Maybe it was the bald head, maybe it was the pink socks or maybe it was the pink shirt, but people knew I was battling something more that the mile I was running. 

I have never been so encouraged in a race like that. 

I fought back the tears multiple times. 

The last 2 miles, I was thinking I had 4 miles to go as I chatted with a gal who had been running with me for a few miles. 

I felt really good but knew the wheels were going to fall off. I asked her what mile we were at, "We just passed the 11 mile station." 

I was stoked. I was so much farther that I thought. I didn't know my time and my pace was a mess. I had decided to run by feel. 

"Who's YOUR cheerleader?" the gal asked. 

At first I didn't understand, so she added "...I hear you cheering everyone else on, who is cheering YOU on?" 

I thought for a sec and responded "YOU, Get me to the finish! I'm following you in." 

I could feel my adrenaline kicking in as the others around me were struggling. 

We came through a pocket of spectaters and I pulled the CANCER CARD! 

As cringe as it sounds, I yelled, "Lets GO! I got 21 weeks of chemo behind me, Lets DO THIS!" 

I can not believe I said that, SO CHEESY! But it worked. Everyone picked up that last mile and we pulled it in. 

I crossed the Finish line so emotional. Runners were coming up to me left and right hugging me and telling me how much I helped them. I had a runner come to me crying, she asked my name and said she was going to pray for me.

I haven't ran that far, that fast in MONTHS. I was shocked when I saw this. I am so thankful for everything good and everything bad. 

So much reflection. 

BIG SHOUT OUT TO LACEY for another BQ! 

"Your Greatest runs are rarely measured by racing success. They are moments in time when running allows you to see how wonderful your life is. "  
Kara Goucher

Anita