Staring at Myself.

"Don't Let Fear Decide Your Future." Shalene Flanagan

There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I see myself and cringe. 

It has been almost 4 weeks since my last Chemo and my body is starting to get fuzzy. 

The hair on my head is about a half an inch long. The gray has taken domain over the dark black it used to be. My hair is coming in curly as so many have told me often happens. 

My eyebrows are popping up creating a shadow and I love feeling the nubs sprouting on my eyelids. 

My skin is still shallow, often looking pale and splotchy. 

My chemo belly has gone down and I have maintained 109lbs.

But my appearance is still so difficult. 

I prance around like it doesn't bother me, I smile when people stare. Always giving grace.

I go out confidently. 

I own it. 

I accept it. 

But unless you have gone through chemo and have lost all your hair you will never know what it does to you emotionally. 

It is a everyday, every hour, every second struggle to see yourself and sometimes to even be yourself.  

Sometimes I just stare. Andy will walk into the bathroom and see me sitting on the counter inches away from the mirror just staring. 

Staring deeply at the person looking back at me. I will sit there and sit there. I will touch my hair, run my fingers across my eyelashes and just stare deeply into my foreign eyes. 

Sometimes I cry. 

But most of the time I just look at myself trying to figure out who I am. 

What I have learned. What I still need to learn. What am I doing. How this happened. 

I am so shocked at how completely different I look in just a matter of months. 

I don't recognize myself still. 

It leaves you insecure and vulnerable. 

I have been humbled on so many levels.

But having cancer has been good for me. I have learned a lot. I have learned you have to keep living, and not just living but living life fully. You have to do it confidently, humbly and as graceful as you can. Living life with Love. 

November is fast approaching. Soon the leaves will cover only the ground and the trees will be bare of the beauty that is covering them. 

I have been able to make it to the trails the last couple days. 

Wednesday: Holdridge West loop, 4 miles.

Thursday (Today) Holly Rec Wilderness loop. 6 miles. 

Future Outlook

"Don't Let Fear Decide Your Future." Shalene Flanagan

Sunday: Marine Corp Marathon! 

Wednesday: October 30th Surgery, double mastectomy.

I am trying so hard to be fearless. But it is going to hurt. Truth be told I am scared. I don't do well with anesthesia. I get sick, throw up, and struggle to even wake up. 

I just push it out of my mind and accept that this has to be done. That I will get through it, it will be tough, but there is no other option. 

Then think happy thoughts! 

Like running a marathon with my family! 

Marine Corp is a dream come true! It is both my sister in law, Leeanne, her  first marathon as well as Andys! I get to run this with my brother as well! I am SOOO excited! 

If I let fear lead me I would never leave the house. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy the leaves on the trail or enjoy shopping with Austin in Ann Arbor today. 

I had let fear dictate my running, this weekend never would have happened. 

Fear would have stole my dreams. 

Do not let fear own you. 

Anita~

Reflection.

"What, then is to be done? To make the best of what is in our power, and take the rest as it naturally happens." Epictetus

My pee brain might appear to most that surround me to hold a big VACANT sign but I can assure you the darn thing is on overdrive.

While I am not the sharpest tool in the shed and I really am not one to try and pretend, my brain is on constant overdrive mode.

I am not as much of an airhead as most think.

The things that circulate in my mind are not heavy with knowledge or information.

I regurgitate my mistakes, my mishaps, my bad attitudes and poor responses.
I try to think of ways I could have done things a little better.

REFLECTION: 21 weeks of Chemo. 
I can honestly say I fought HELL to be the best Anita in misery, in pain, in grief and in total suck mode.
My BIGGEST obstacle I wanted to fight  getting through chemo was not being a douche-nugget.
I told Andy and a few friends "Please DO NOT let me pull the "Cancer Card" and allow cancer to let me behave badly."
I didn't want to use the excuse "I have Cancer I can't deal with ….."  or "I have Cancer they can just get over it…" or a million other things.
I learned a lot about myself and about others.
I learned to give grace and love. To forgive and let go. I learned that even when you have cancer it still is NOT all about YOU.
I learned to Get over Myself, to not just fight for me but to fight to be the best me for others. And in return I felt better, stronger and braver.

RUNNING REFECTION: 
I never quit running. Today I saw Dr. Cotant. He read his notes he had on me in the beginning, "Anita is an ultra runner, running about 50 miles a week...." He then laughed.
He never thought I would continue to run as well as I did, and as he reread his notes on me he just laughed at how far we came and all the victories  I had during chemo.
My poor friends didn't know what to do with me, they worried for me. Poor Claudia said she wouldn't run with me because she thought I would hurt myself.
And Lacey, she figured out quickly I was going to run with or without her.
Claudia called me every week to check on me and run with me when our schedules worked.
And so I ran. I ran the best I could.
Some runs were good, and some runs were good because I did it, not because it felt good.
But I did it with NO regrets. I ran as much as my body would let me. I gave all my heart in every mile and again tried NOT to be a douche nugget running.

I AM GETTING STRONGER. Towards the end of chemo I started to fall apart. So weak.

STRENGTH. I love the illustration of the Butterfly. Who knows, maybe one day I may even get a lil one tattooed to remind me of this journey. 

I have felt the darkness and I have fought it. And I am coming out of it. 

And I appreciate the Darkness. I am grateful for the Darkness. I have grown so much tucked away, put on my knees, blinded by faith alone. 

Most Weeks Complete Runner have themes and they alwasy have goodies when we finish. 

Every Thursday night Complete Runner meets for a 5 mile group run. Andy and I have made it out running date when I felt good. The last 3 weeks since being off chemo, I have made it. Each week, I have gotten a lil bit faster. I am sucking wind trying to keep up with Antonio and the faster runners. They beat me every week. I am not trying to beat them, I am just trying to get stronger and they are inspiring me. Last week I only beat my previous week by 1 second. Andy said it didn't count. OH BUT IT COUNTED TO ME! I was SOO excited over that 1 second. 

Grand Rapids Half Marathon. 

A last minute girls weekend with Lacey and Melissa to Grand Rapids.

I planned to run the half marathon. I haven't ran a half marathon in a long time. 

My best HM time was in 2011, I ran a 1:37:03 at Detroit. Those days are long gone. 

I didn't want to mess my legs up for this weekends Marine Corp Marathon but I really wanted to RUN! 

For One..I forgot my running shoes! I had to buy new ones at the expo. The Expo we barely made it to because I had to work, it was a 2 hour drive and the expo closed at 6pm. They were mostly shutting things down when we got there. I was praying they would still have a running store selling shoes, and they did! 

Funny thing...when we got back to the hotel and unpacked to lay out our clothes, I FOUND MY shoes! Typical Anita! 

For Two...I have no idea how we ended up so late getting to the starting line. Like so late Lacey and I jumped out of the van leaving poor Melissa to make her way back as we bolted seeing runners already taking off! 

We literally were THE LAST 2 runners to cross the starting matt! 

GRAND RAPIDS Half Marathon was AWESOME! 

All that speed work with Complete Runner proved itself on the course! 

If you want to get faster, run with those faster than you. All those weeks of sucking wind resulted in a strong Half Marathon. 

Typical Anita style, I messed my watch up and couldn't figure out what mile I was at. I liked the idea of not knowing. I took off passing HUNDREDS of runners. remember I was the LAST runner. Passing so many runners did 2 things.
1. It gave me so much energy whipping in and out of everyone. 
2. It set the momentum of my pace. At one mile, I saw that I was running a sub 8min/mi and realized I need to slow my role. 

My head was beaded with sweat. As soon as I took my cap off, I experienced a whole new race. Every aid station, every spectator hub  and every volunteer shouted, jumped out to high five me and shouted "YOU ARE AMAZING!" "You are incredible!" 

Maybe it was the bald head, maybe it was the pink socks or maybe it was the pink shirt, but people knew I was battling something more that the mile I was running. 

I have never been so encouraged in a race like that. 

I fought back the tears multiple times. 

The last 2 miles, I was thinking I had 4 miles to go as I chatted with a gal who had been running with me for a few miles. 

I felt really good but knew the wheels were going to fall off. I asked her what mile we were at, "We just passed the 11 mile station." 

I was stoked. I was so much farther that I thought. I didn't know my time and my pace was a mess. I had decided to run by feel. 

"Who's YOUR cheerleader?" the gal asked. 

At first I didn't understand, so she added "...I hear you cheering everyone else on, who is cheering YOU on?" 

I thought for a sec and responded "YOU, Get me to the finish! I'm following you in." 

I could feel my adrenaline kicking in as the others around me were struggling. 

We came through a pocket of spectaters and I pulled the CANCER CARD! 

As cringe as it sounds, I yelled, "Lets GO! I got 21 weeks of chemo behind me, Lets DO THIS!" 

I can not believe I said that, SO CHEESY! But it worked. Everyone picked up that last mile and we pulled it in. 

I crossed the Finish line so emotional. Runners were coming up to me left and right hugging me and telling me how much I helped them. I had a runner come to me crying, she asked my name and said she was going to pray for me.

I haven't ran that far, that fast in MONTHS. I was shocked when I saw this. I am so thankful for everything good and everything bad. 

So much reflection. 

BIG SHOUT OUT TO LACEY for another BQ! 

"Your Greatest runs are rarely measured by racing success. They are moments in time when running allows you to see how wonderful your life is. "  
Kara Goucher

Anita

Love Covers All. RUN WITH ME.

“ ‘Thank you’ is the best prayer that anyone could say. I say that one a lot. Thank you expresses extreme gratitude, humility, understanding.” —Alice Walker

There are so many ways to love on one another. From the day I announced  that I had cancer, I have been loved on in more ways than I can say. My family and friends have gathered around me with endless encouragement.
Just when you begin to see a broken world of bitterness and angst your heart is melted by love. A tragedy blooms beauty.
Unimaginable. 
Unmeasurable. 
Undeniable. 
Unbelievable. 
LOVE. 

RUN WITH ME. #itsjustanothermarathon

One day, a long long time ago, somewhere on the trails after a very rainy day a pack of runners created a name, "Team Squishy Toes." 

That's my Pack. Over the last few years, we have ran hundreds of miles together, we have celebrated victories, we have prayed for each other, cried with each other and bonded together. 

Claudia, part of this clan gathered the group together with an idea to do a fun run for Anita. 

Unbeknownst to me the word got out and a group of mothers from the kids I coached jumped in to create an event that will forever humble me.  

My pack really kept me out of the loop. I would get little snippets. 

I was awkward receiving so much love and attention. 

I have always been more comfortable giving love. I Love to Love on others but now I was having an entire event in my honor. I was a bit uncomfortable but totally awed. 

I wanted to give everyone something back. I called mom, Andys mom, my mom. 

She makes the best cookies. 

She helped me making over 150 cookies. I got baggies and made tags to say "Thank You". 

The Fundraiser offered not just a 5K  but also several gift baskets (All donated), An Elliptigo donated by Complete Runner, cider and donuts. 

The weather was PERFECT. 

My family pulled in a few minutes before 12. 

I was breathless. The parking lot was packed. I was so nervous and felt like the tears were going to flood my eyes. 

SO many people. The running community is INCREDIBLE. So many runners. Some runners I have known forever and some that I had just met this year. 

Friends from high school, Parents from my sons school, Kids I coached from Holly Academy, and my family all came out. Christa from my work came out and so did Lindsey who I worked with for years. Ladies from Freedom from Bondage came out and my clients, Soo many of my clients came out! Linda K and her husband came out and brought me BACON! 

Ohh….AND ARIEL, so many of her college friends, her best friend Mo and boyfriend Charlie came out. It took everything not to cry especially because it was the same weekend that Ariel had passed. It was already such an emotional weekend. 

I had people come out that never met me, one man came and supported me that was at Indian Springs golfing. He asked someone what the event was for, he lost 2 sisters to cancer, when he came over he recognized me, I coached his kids! 

You didn't have to be a runner to come out. Many just came out to love on me. 

Colossians 3:14: “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

LOVE COVERS ALL. 

LAYERS. I love how cancer was described to me. Layers

The financial burden was generously gifted to me. A layer I am so Thankful for. 

As I ran up and down the course trying so hard to say "HI" to everyone I was overwhelmed with LOVE. 

I felt so LOVED. These people came out for ME. TO LOVE on me. To support me, to walk for me, to run for me, to bike with me, to hug me, to smile with me. 

Andy had an employee that drove down from Grand Rapids! I had a friend that postponed her vacation to come out and hug me and tell me she loved me then headed out on vacation. 

WHO DOES THAT?! 

I am a nobody, a twerp, obnoxious, outspoken, I came from nothing and I have nothing special to offer and YET these people are LOVING me. 

They are telling me I am inspiring THEM? I am a MORON, a complete goofball. More of an annoyance, like a mosquito bite between your toes, I was humbled, soo humbled. 

I couldn't not have done this without them. 

Without YOU. 

YOU. 

You reading me garble, reading my posts, Sending me so much encouragement. 

You all never let me give up. You never let me feel sorry for myself. You never let me sit on the pity pot. 

Every mile you loved me. 

Thank YOU For Loving me. 

Special thanks to Team Squishy Toes, Diane and Michelle, Complete Runner, Erin O' Mara, Mrs. Winne, Holly P, Parkers Hilltop And Mom and Dad. 

This was the most beautiful fundraiser. I am Beyond Blessed.   

This is just a lil post to say THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU ALL. Forgive me if I forgot to mention you, please know you are in my heart. 

Anita!

Ancient shiny secret...

"You don't know what you don't know."

Ancient Shining Secret...

I couldn't post this in fear that the surprise would get out. Last weekend, I snuck in a 50k. Kris turned 50 years old and was running a 100miler to celebrate. Interesting way to celebrate unless you are a ultra runner. (My birthday is in December, I will never run a ultra on my birthday unless it is somewhere warm!)

In LESS than 24 hours, we drove 6 hours to Illinois, picked Kris up at 11:30pm running 32 miles and drove 6 hours back home! We pulled an all nighter, I worked all day Saturday and drove directly to the girls, get in, get going, get back home.

Two weeks post Chemo. 

Everyday I am feeling better.

"You don't know what you don't know." I didn't know HOW sick I was until I started feeling better. So many days I gutted it out grasping for moments of normalcy and not knowing that what I was doing was not normal. 

I know how to dig my heels in, often faking it till I make it. I did this most days. 

I have all these dreams. All these adventures to experience and I am just not willing to give those up. 

I decided after not getting to run Kettle Moraine 100k in June, it didn't matter HOW I accomplished my dreams. 

What mattered most was that I experienced them and not grieved over the loss of them. 

Living out my dreams and goals in whatever place I was in outweighed not doing it at all. 

The joy came from the accomplishment of not letting cancer steal anything more from me. 

So many runs and races I struggled, I couldn't breathe, my heart was pounding and I felt nauseas, I just made it up as I went, one mile at a time. 

Often times we spend too much time trying to figure things out. We try to have all the answers, we think we know where we are going. 

But life isn't alwasy so clear, things are out of focus and we find ourselves running in circles. 

You just have to make it up as you go. The only thing you have to do is keep going forward, never quitting. Doing it ugly is still better than not doing it at all. 

Rundown: The Happy Dance. 

Lacey showed up at my house for what I thought was going to be an easy track work out. "You are so overdressed...." Lacey looked at me as I was getting into her van. 

I thought "I am? Your the one doing intervals, NOT ME...." As we were pulling out of my driveway she REMINDED me we were going to INDIAN SPRINGS for a 8 mile tempo run NOT running at the track. I thought I was going to throw up. I was not at all prepared to run hard. I had totally forgot we had planned this last week. I had no idea if I could do it. 

Her Plan: 1 mile w/u, 6m @8:30min/mi and a 1mile c/d

"Lacey, I will do my best but don't expect me to talk....." 

That girl wouldn't quit talking to me. I could barely breathe and she wanted to have a full blown conversation. 

With everything but breath I DID it. I wanted to kill her every time my watch beeped and our pace was faster than 8:30. 

"...just do 5 miles and we will do a 2 mile cool down...." 

"NO, just run!" I was not giving up. It wasn't going to kill me, I would feel like death but it would be such a good run if I could just gut it out. 

Our last mile, our cool down mile was a 11:17min/mi. 8 miles total. My Garmin notified me I had a NEW RECORD! Take that Cancer!

In Other News....I USED SHAMPOO TODAY!!

Its the lil things. 

Collison: 

Romans 8:18 " For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." 

What doesn't kill you will make me stronger. Strength comes in so many forms. While it would be great to get stronger and faster, I want to be stronger in many other ways. 

Today when I ran with Lacey I was nervous. 

• Could I keep up?
• Could I stay with her?
• How bad was it going to hurt? 

I had so many thoughts. But I wrapped them up with this. "Cancer didn't kill you, this 8 mile tempo run won't either." 

I just had to do it. I had to do it scared. I had to do it ugly. It didn't matter what it looked like, it just couldn't look invisible. 

So Shut up and RUN Anita. 

Anita.