The Frog Days of Summer.

My head looks like a cactus! My hair is growing in or maybe the stubble I never lost is growing. Whatever the case, I still laugh at my bald headed photos. I look like a lil Mexican Samurai! My cheeks swallow my eyes and my scalp is still so bald it shines!
Oh how it would be cool if Halloween was in July.

Cancer, I smile at this cancer. Yes, it is a tough road, one of the hardest things I have ever had to battle. But oh, the journey in all its suck has been so sweet.

For the first 18 years of my life I cursed my birth. Everyday was a trial, a heartache, everyday was filled with heartache and confusion.
Addiction, abuse, chaos, a life without any control. A black cloud of unfortunate events followed me. I questioned God every day. "Why God, why would you breath life into me to have me live in Hell?"
I thought God hated me. I thought I was a mistake. I felt forgotten.
Why God would you take my father? Why God would you take my mother? What did I do? I'm 18, wasn't it enough to live so terribly for 18 years that now I am left alone?
The despair led to destruction without purpose.
I couldn't see my purpose, all I knew was how to fight. I didn't even know what I was fighting for. Often times I fought for the wrongs things, disorganized in my pain.

I am 45 years old. Nothing was a mistake. My life was designed with a purpose. No, it is not Gods design to have broken homes, broken hearts and broken futures.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1:2-3

I choose to smile through the tears, have a little humor through the trials, and keep fighting.
Whether I was fighting for good or evil I was still fighting. Many years I fought without vision, just flailing at undeserved agony. Sometimes, I was fighting for second chances and sometimes I was fighting for lost yesterdays that needed to be let go.
But I fought.

AHHH...all that fighting. Did it train me for this cancer?
Did it desensitize me to the pain that cancer brings?
Did it strengthen me to endure?
Did it prepare me emotionally?
Did it provide me with the tools to fight without bitterness?

Oh, I believe it did that and so much more.

I try to be transparent in my journey, not letting the realities of cancer be sugar coated but sharing my story with a buffet of goodness.
There has been unmeasurable goodness, generosity, love, compassion, so much so I often feel unworthy of it. Humbled.  Astounded.

With eyes wide open, a heart softened through tight clenched fists, continuing to fight I see so much more beauty in these ashes.

RUNDOWN: 

I have been able to enjoy a little sun, I have been to the beach and poolside, the lil things. 

I fight to lace my shoes up. I take each day as a gift. I try to make the most of what I have when I have it. I have no time to sit on the pity pot, that really is a shitty pot, no thanks.
I get to RUN. I get to do what they said I couldn't do this well.
Against the Odds I am doing more than I ever thought I could do.
The heat has been stifling. I get up at the crack of dawn to run. The black flies are full of evil leaving welts on me. The humidity sucks the life out of you but with GREAT JOY I run!
Bloated toxic belly, crop dusting poison for miles, I am so stoked to be running!

My weekly miles, down from last year by about 15 miles.  I am more than spoiled to have almost 40 miles this week. Speed work, not happening. I am focusing on my endurance more than tearing my body down with speed. 

I have a couple races I really want to do....I am trying to get my long run up, with wisdom and patience. 

One mile at a time. 

"Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal darkness, yet become something beautiful." Anonymous