Worth a Thousand Words.

“There's doubt in trying.
Just do it or stop thinking.”
― Toba Beta, Master of Stupidity

I just want to run. But I am scared.
Yes, Scared. I feel like fine china.
I am afraid I will fall on my port.
I am afraid I am doing damage to my chest where the port is inserted.
I am afraid that my muscles are pulling..
But I just want to run.

The problem with not running for me is that depression sets in. I am not going into all the physiology of not running and how it affects you, just trust me.

I had my chemo port put in last Wednesday.
Wednesday morning I was able to run with Lacey.
Thursday I tried to run, NOPE..I walked. I even tried again at XC with the kids, it felt like my chest muscles were tearing apart.

(The Chemo Port aks a mediport)

4 days since I had my mediport inserted

I actually have the latest design of ports.
I have struggled breathing with it. It feels like there is a stack of books on my chest. Trust me when I say my double A's carry NO weight. My chest feels heavy. My breathing is more like work. I am not sure how long this will last but it is cumbersome. And it makes me scared too.

Worth a thousand words.

All I wanted to do was RUN.
I wore the skirt Lacey brought me home from Boston with excitement. I LOVE running clothes.
I picked the loosest fitting sports bra I have to not have any friction on my port and met Lacey.

"10 miles, I WANT 10 miles!" I repeated to Lacey. Lacey looked concerned, not for herself, but for me.
"I haven't started chemo yet, I want 10 MILES!"

The sun was shining, it was almost 70 degrees out. I just wanted to run.
I wanted to not feel all that fear.
I wanted to not think about me having cancer.
I wanted to feel normal for just a couple hours.
A couple hours of laughing, gabbing, catching up and catching my breath.

Lacey wouldn't let me go fast, she wouldn't even let me run any hills and there were a lot of hills.
I wanted to RUN and I was so grateful to run I did whatever she said!

We ran into Andy about mile 5, right around the time we saw a coyote on the road. (That was cool) Andy was on his way home from work and gave us water, I was out and Lacey was low.
Andy asked Lacey what she thought of running with a 14 year old boy, that would be my new hair cut!
It was so weird not putting a pony tail holder in my hair. I could literally feel the wind through my new pixie cut. It was pretty cool.

When we saw the coyote there was a car parked at the road. A gal got out and confirmed we had seen a coyote. I only had my sports bra on at that time. I quickly put my hand over my port. I didn't think she would want to see that. It is kinda nasty to look it.

I was grinning from ear to ear getting to run. I told Lacey I am going to RUN and RUN until I can't. I don't plan to run fast, I don't plan to run hard, I just plan to RUN.
Run until I can't. Then I will walk. I will do the best I have for each day.


The Haircut:

I have had a lot of people say I am strong. But I wonder can you still be strong and have fears? Can you still be strong and be scared?
One thing I wasn't afraid of was CUTTING MY HAIR OFF.
I needed to emotionally prepare myself. My hair has not been my identity for a long time. But cutting a pixie, that's next level.
However, loosing my hair is all together a level all together different, therefore cutting my hair boy short, No Big Deal.
I asked Michelle to cut my hair. We have worked together over 20 years. And Michelle works FAST. There was no turning back when I hear those shears. I just smiled bigger. Until Michelle started to cry. "No NO NO, don't cry Michelle...This is a happy moment...."
I was happy. Michelle was helping me into this next stage. She was going to make me feel beautiful when this cancer inside me wanted to make me feel ugly. She was giving me something fresh and helping me transition into that next stage of the journey.
I AM going to loose my hair. And this too is scary. She was helping me to build my courage.
It was a happy moment.

It turns out, the haircut was good for all the family! Alec said I looked like a mom, then made it even more antiquated by saying I looked like a teacher. I know a lot of beautiful teachers so I made light of it. Andy sounded like he had rehearsed his line, "No hunny, it looks good...." Andys main line! I know he liked it, but I could tell he was trying to get used to it.
I think Andy saw my cancer when he looks at me. He like it, but it makes me look smaller, even frail.
I thought I was cutting my hair for me, but I think it was more important for my family to see and prepare themselves.

"Alec, I am sorry, I am still trying to figure this whole thing out, please forgive me, I am going to say and do things wrong, it is not intentional, I just don't know what I am supposed to do with all this..." This was something I said to Alec when I first found out I had cancer a few weeks ago. Because this IS all NEW to me.
I hope to not hurt anyone in this season. I am still trying to figure this all out.

“Who you are tomorrow begins with what you do today.”
― Tim Fargo

Anita