Courage of a Son. Round 2.

“Cancer has shown me what family is. It showed me a love that I never knew really existed.” – Michael Douglas

No kid ever thinks they will be shaving their mother's hair. And nor should they have to.
Maybe this choice of mine was one of the mistakes that I will add to the list.

Even though I have been a hair stylist for over 20 years does not mean I wanted to shave my own head.
I wanted to be home, close to my family. I wanted one of them to do it.
I have been asking for days.
"No mom."
"No, I can't do that."
"I'm not shaving your head."

I get it. Was I being selfish? Was I asking too much? I didn't want to hurt them. But I needed them. I needed them so bad to comfort me, to be there for me. I was scared. It was about to get real and I didn't know how I was going to be.
I just knew, I had to have the courage. I didn't want my hair coming out in clumps as it will. It just FALLS out in handfuls. For me, I just didn't want that.
I wanted to be in some form of delusional control. This Cancer has already dictated enough of me. I needed their support to help strengthen me through this process. I am not as strong as everyone thinks. I just TRY harder to be stronger than most. That's the grit in this girl. But above all, IT is Christ who lives in me. HE strengthens me in my weakness. I really am not that strong. But I have strong FAITH.

Austin, Boy Wonder. said today in absolute, "I will do it mom."

We set everything up. My boys were there. Even Lydia, she came over for dinner, another wonderful meal blessed to us.   (Thank You Lisa!)
Originally, everyone sat around watching as Austin fired up the trimmers. It was very quiet. We were all curious to this next level of the journey. Each one of us wandering through different emotions that were foreign and shaky.

So Brave. 

There are times when you just don't need to be strong, that's why we have one another, to lift each other up.
I saw Alecs countenance change quickly. He stumbled from the couch, "I can't watch" he murmured and headed outside. Lydia followed to support him.
I couldn't hold my silent tears. I hated seeing this hurt everyone.
Andy still sat there with red eyes trying so hard to stay strong for whatever reason he thought he had to.
Austin just worked harder. Austin was going to be my soldier. I remember the year of the Boston Bombing and walking through that battlefield, Austin was my soldier that day too. So brave he held me up for several miles through the city to find an open subway. Carrying his mother. So brave.
I reached my arms around to touch him, to tell him "I know this is hard, its ok, I am struggling too, I love you Austin." 10 minutes later we were finishing it up, at this point Andy felt strong enough to come in and help.
The two of them worked together to get the little stragglers trimmed down. 4 hands and a head the size of a smurf!

I asked Austin for a picture, He did it because he loves me. After the picture I looked at it....He looked unsettled, unbalanced but he was transparent. As much as I wanted him to smile, I appreciated his purity.

Those strong hands are so brave, He loves his mother with all he had and more than he thought. 

I left to find Alec, My sweet boy. He was in the front playing ball with Sheba and Lydia, I ran to him in nothing but my socks and wrapped my arms around him. He held me tight. "Mom, it's hard, I couldn't watch....."

Alec, so tender, so sweet, such a soft heart for his momma. 

"Alec, I know, I know, I am so sorry, I love you..."

“When someone has cancer, the whole family and everyone who loves them does, too.” – Terri Clark

"In terms of fitness and battling through cancer, exercise helps you stay strong physically and mentally." Grete Waitz marathon runner, Olympian

Yesterdays morning started out with a 5 mile run with Lacy.
It was perfect, she showed up with smiles, meeting me on the backroads.
In that 5 miles we solved the world problems and even tackled each others, never enough miles for that!
It was perfect timing, at our finish the skies burst into a downpour.
Rundown:
Distance: 5.01 miles
Time: 45:36
Pace: 9:06

"Its Just another Marathon" 
Rundown
9:20am: Onchologist w/ Dr. Q
Where: Clarkston
10am: 2nd round chemo

• Blood draws first.
• weight: 104 (gained a little!)
• White Blood. 5.5 = VERY good! 
• Hemoglobin: 12= holding strong

Dr. Q is not my oncologist but he was on rotation for yesterday. I liked his ALOT, here's why...

"How did you do last treatment? I see you stayed out of the hospital..."

"AHH..yeah! I did have 5 days of terrible headaches, I am not going to have the Ativan this round, I think I will be better with out it." 

Slightly flat, he said "ok"

He asked about my nausea and I said, "..everything was fine, part of the process. I did take my meds for that." 

It was a fast appointment but before I got up, "Sooo, there is something I want to tell you, I ran 35 miles last week....."

He had that blank stare at me then replied "Oh, ahh, that's 5 miles a day, ah, so how did you feel?"

With my biggest smile "I felt GREAT!"

"Well, then keep doing it." 

I was SOOO happy. 

My 94year old Mawmaw bought me this chemo shirt, but check out moms! Its so cute. THIS is me before my chemo..

Andy had already saved my favorite corner in the treatment room, It would be great, Mom was coming and Holly was coming with Tim Hortons!
We decided to lower the drip to help prevent the headaches that lasted intensely for 5 days.
I had "April" as my nurse today. She said my port looked great as she cleaned it with iodine and poked me with the port cap that connects to my IV. Easy Peasy Poke.

When Holly arrived we played 5 Crowns, SHE WON. It was fun! It makes the time go by so much faster.
Even without the Ativan I got pretty slumped. It just kicks my A$$.
Our Game ended at the same time my Chemo was finished.
I was finished too. I was feeling it and not faking it too well anymore.

I am looking a little slumped...

I RESTED and made it to XC at 3:30 with the chivalry of Alec driving me and grapping Laceys bike to run with the kids, It was DONUT run DAY, we run to the Donut Shop and back.
SOMEONE anonymously bought all my teams donuts!!
I shared with the kids, about 30 of them I would be looking a little different today. "How many of you have a family member who is bald?" Everyone raised their hands.
"Now you can add me to that list, I am the same I will just look a little different....but nothing changed....any questions? It is important that we share this together as a team.."
Chloe "Ahh yeah...so can you shave a DUCK into your head?!"
"AHH, NOOO! I am not shaving a duck into my head!"
And we all laughed.

Anita~

In front of Ariel's Tree. All together.