Insecurity. A honest battle.

As we walked out of the funeral home, I could see several people take a glance in my direction. Some looked more than once, some just stared and a few whispered.
I wondered what they thought, what they were thinking.
I felt that insecurity thing creep up. I tried to walk tall, continue to smile but I actually felt like crawling inside myself.
I knew that people didn't mean anything bad. My head scarf was very pretty, my make-up was on yet I felt insecure.
One lady whispered in my ear, "I have 21 years..... "
She had breast cancer, and shared her story with me, it was very sweet.
That's cancer for you. Takes your confidence away, and I was doing so well.
It's  like wearing a shirt that says "Hi! yes I have  CANCER."  That's it. Everyone knows I have CANCER.  I can't be private about it because it speaks volumes.
I love the hugs, the stories, the smiles, the support and the encouragement its just my insecurity brews when people stare at me. Its crazy, I guess that's a great prayer I need. A prayer that God would help me be more confident in this journey. I get to a place I think "YEAH Nita, walk tall sister." and then I find myself cowering. It really is a roller coaster.

My Therapy...RUNNING.

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Psalms 17:22

"Anita, so how did you not know you were going to run 16 miles..." Andy just stared at me. I could see his disapproval but I could also see he was torn.
I was so animated about my run he had a hard time getting mad at me.
It meant so much to me that he didn't get mad.
I ran smart. I drank a lot of water, I ate and we walked all the hills. The trails at Holdridge were stunning. Every mile I smiled.
They said I couldn't, but they don't know me. My Dr's are afraid that I will get dehydrated and run my body down.
Every moment of every day, every time I look in the mirror at my bald head, every time I undress and see that port buldging out of my skin, every time I touch my breast and feel that cancerous tumor inside me I am reminded I have this awful disease.
I feel this ugly invasion of my body. Every day, every minute it haunts me. It shadows me everywhere.
But when I RUN, when I run I am FREE. I feel like that cancer doesn't have me. I feel like myself.
I FEEL LIKE I AM WINNING. I am in beating what cancer says I can't do.
I am left with more that miles for the day.
I am left with JOY. That Joy that permeates everything. That Joy that conquers my insecurities, that battles my weakness, that reminds me I am not a slave to cancer.
I want more than just life. I want that LIFE Abundantly, you know the one HE promised me.

So today, I ran another 12 miles. I was slower than yesterday, more tired than yesterday but again I ran smart.
After my runs I take my Juice Plus, I hydrate more, and I nap for recovery.
Some things have gone to the wayside.
My mother in law planted my flowers this week.
Lacey mopped my floors this week.
We had some lovely meals given to us this week.

And I am SOO grateful. My running is part of my therapy.
"Everybody feels negative emotions once in a while but these emotions have a stronger effect on your health than you may realize. Every time you think about regrets, experience resentment or replay bad memories in your head, your body suffers just as much as your mind. That's why harboring negative emotions can lead to devastating long term disease." An article Rachel sent me from The Daily Health Post. 


As my third round of Chemo creeps up on me, I try to enjoy every day to it fullest. I am on my knees, humbled by so much love and support.

If I could just express one thing it would be to live each day to it fullest. Let that negativity go because it really will eat away at you.

Anita~

Coming out of the fog

Such a honor to run for Sgt. Henry E. Irizarry. I will continue to run races in his honor. 

When you run a race and you see a BIG hill you can't help but look at it and dread it.
You know you just have to get over it but it is going to hurt like hell.
That is what Chemo is like. It is scheduled on the calendar weeks in advance, you remember the pain from the past and it looms in front of you.
I have reached the top of my second round of chemo and I am on the downhill side.  From the top I could see I was going to get through it. From the top I had planned some scenes to give me joy that I looked forward to, I just had to hang on, take it in and know that I was going to conquer another round.
This morning I woke up at 6am and felt pretty close to "Anita". Coffee didn't settle well, food didn't sound good but I felt pretty good, good enough to run the Hartland Memorial Day 10k with Lacey and Rachel. I was so excited.
And I still had my hair, sorta...
I had my hair until I went to the ladies room...OK...this is a blog of honesty...I honestly about died when I wiped myself.  And then I just laughed. Like a awkward laugh, the kind of laugh you might be having right now.

Lacey drove both Rachel and I to the race. We had matching blue shirts and skirts on. We also had our fallen soldier to pin on our backs that Lacey had laminated.
I asked the girls if they would wear a bandana with me, they were very kind and both did.

"Wear Blue to Remember"

We made it to the starting line typical obnoxious style. Having too much fun and breaking the tension at the 10K starting line. We had most of the runners laughing with us, by most I mean about 30!

Super hyped up we took off with the flare gun. I knew I was feeling good because I was hollering and throwing high fives at everyone. Hartland was still sleeping and I think they thought I was a mascot or something, they just looked at me like I was crazy. "Wake UP HARTLAND!"
Maybe I had my bandana wound too tight, Lacey thought for sure hers was, but I was wound UP!

We may have taken out a bit too fast. After all it was a FUN RUN so us girls added walk breaks, hill breaks, high five breaks...we even played tag with Mark M, an ultra runner acquaintance I saw out there racing with us.

"Team Squishy Toes" we heard as Mark M was running alongside us. We are famous!! Just kidding, we are just big goofballs with a ridiculous unofficial team name. 

We saw Danielle out there, she passed us like a gazelle doing the 5k. But that lil speedster finished her 5K caught up to her husband and then jumped in with us.

AHH, my sweet sweet Danielle, I just love everything about this girl

We had just came out of a blaring sun stretch with massive rolling hills when she joined us. We also had ran into Anthony T. another running friend of mine from several years ago.
I couldn't stop smiling.

We came into the finish line together, and just a few seconds from the guys. The Finish line also shared a very special face of one of my XC runners. "Thomas" ran the 5k and had a PR. I was so proud of him.

Can you see that big shower head in front of us, that's how hot it was getting, it was pretty cool. 

The Hartland Memorial Day 10k proved to be epic for all of us. We all medaled!

We all medaled!

 I was shocked, I got 1st place in my age group! Now remember though, the 10K was pretty quiet! But I was still pretty stoked, we all were. Great JOB Runners.

RUNDOWN:
Distance: 6.2miles
Time: 54:58
Pace: 8:51min/mi
Overall: 21/40
Female: 5/16
Female:45-49: 1/40

ANITA~

"Not all Personal Best are measured with a stopwatch." 

Terry Fox

Courage of a Son. Round 2.

“Cancer has shown me what family is. It showed me a love that I never knew really existed.” – Michael Douglas

No kid ever thinks they will be shaving their mother's hair. And nor should they have to.
Maybe this choice of mine was one of the mistakes that I will add to the list.

Even though I have been a hair stylist for over 20 years does not mean I wanted to shave my own head.
I wanted to be home, close to my family. I wanted one of them to do it.
I have been asking for days.
"No mom."
"No, I can't do that."
"I'm not shaving your head."

I get it. Was I being selfish? Was I asking too much? I didn't want to hurt them. But I needed them. I needed them so bad to comfort me, to be there for me. I was scared. It was about to get real and I didn't know how I was going to be.
I just knew, I had to have the courage. I didn't want my hair coming out in clumps as it will. It just FALLS out in handfuls. For me, I just didn't want that.
I wanted to be in some form of delusional control. This Cancer has already dictated enough of me. I needed their support to help strengthen me through this process. I am not as strong as everyone thinks. I just TRY harder to be stronger than most. That's the grit in this girl. But above all, IT is Christ who lives in me. HE strengthens me in my weakness. I really am not that strong. But I have strong FAITH.

Austin, Boy Wonder. said today in absolute, "I will do it mom."

We set everything up. My boys were there. Even Lydia, she came over for dinner, another wonderful meal blessed to us.   (Thank You Lisa!)
Originally, everyone sat around watching as Austin fired up the trimmers. It was very quiet. We were all curious to this next level of the journey. Each one of us wandering through different emotions that were foreign and shaky.

So Brave. 

There are times when you just don't need to be strong, that's why we have one another, to lift each other up.
I saw Alecs countenance change quickly. He stumbled from the couch, "I can't watch" he murmured and headed outside. Lydia followed to support him.
I couldn't hold my silent tears. I hated seeing this hurt everyone.
Andy still sat there with red eyes trying so hard to stay strong for whatever reason he thought he had to.
Austin just worked harder. Austin was going to be my soldier. I remember the year of the Boston Bombing and walking through that battlefield, Austin was my soldier that day too. So brave he held me up for several miles through the city to find an open subway. Carrying his mother. So brave.
I reached my arms around to touch him, to tell him "I know this is hard, its ok, I am struggling too, I love you Austin." 10 minutes later we were finishing it up, at this point Andy felt strong enough to come in and help.
The two of them worked together to get the little stragglers trimmed down. 4 hands and a head the size of a smurf!

I asked Austin for a picture, He did it because he loves me. After the picture I looked at it....He looked unsettled, unbalanced but he was transparent. As much as I wanted him to smile, I appreciated his purity.

Those strong hands are so brave, He loves his mother with all he had and more than he thought. 

I left to find Alec, My sweet boy. He was in the front playing ball with Sheba and Lydia, I ran to him in nothing but my socks and wrapped my arms around him. He held me tight. "Mom, it's hard, I couldn't watch....."

Alec, so tender, so sweet, such a soft heart for his momma. 

"Alec, I know, I know, I am so sorry, I love you..."

“When someone has cancer, the whole family and everyone who loves them does, too.” – Terri Clark

"In terms of fitness and battling through cancer, exercise helps you stay strong physically and mentally." Grete Waitz marathon runner, Olympian

Yesterdays morning started out with a 5 mile run with Lacy.
It was perfect, she showed up with smiles, meeting me on the backroads.
In that 5 miles we solved the world problems and even tackled each others, never enough miles for that!
It was perfect timing, at our finish the skies burst into a downpour.
Rundown:
Distance: 5.01 miles
Time: 45:36
Pace: 9:06

"Its Just another Marathon" 
Rundown
9:20am: Onchologist w/ Dr. Q
Where: Clarkston
10am: 2nd round chemo

• Blood draws first.
• weight: 104 (gained a little!)
• White Blood. 5.5 = VERY good! 
• Hemoglobin: 12= holding strong

Dr. Q is not my oncologist but he was on rotation for yesterday. I liked his ALOT, here's why...

"How did you do last treatment? I see you stayed out of the hospital..."

"AHH..yeah! I did have 5 days of terrible headaches, I am not going to have the Ativan this round, I think I will be better with out it." 

Slightly flat, he said "ok"

He asked about my nausea and I said, "..everything was fine, part of the process. I did take my meds for that." 

It was a fast appointment but before I got up, "Sooo, there is something I want to tell you, I ran 35 miles last week....."

He had that blank stare at me then replied "Oh, ahh, that's 5 miles a day, ah, so how did you feel?"

With my biggest smile "I felt GREAT!"

"Well, then keep doing it." 

I was SOOO happy. 

My 94year old Mawmaw bought me this chemo shirt, but check out moms! Its so cute. THIS is me before my chemo..

Andy had already saved my favorite corner in the treatment room, It would be great, Mom was coming and Holly was coming with Tim Hortons!
We decided to lower the drip to help prevent the headaches that lasted intensely for 5 days.
I had "April" as my nurse today. She said my port looked great as she cleaned it with iodine and poked me with the port cap that connects to my IV. Easy Peasy Poke.

When Holly arrived we played 5 Crowns, SHE WON. It was fun! It makes the time go by so much faster.
Even without the Ativan I got pretty slumped. It just kicks my A$$.
Our Game ended at the same time my Chemo was finished.
I was finished too. I was feeling it and not faking it too well anymore.

I am looking a little slumped...

I RESTED and made it to XC at 3:30 with the chivalry of Alec driving me and grapping Laceys bike to run with the kids, It was DONUT run DAY, we run to the Donut Shop and back.
SOMEONE anonymously bought all my teams donuts!!
I shared with the kids, about 30 of them I would be looking a little different today. "How many of you have a family member who is bald?" Everyone raised their hands.
"Now you can add me to that list, I am the same I will just look a little different....but nothing changed....any questions? It is important that we share this together as a team.."
Chloe "Ahh yeah...so can you shave a DUCK into your head?!"
"AHH, NOOO! I am not shaving a duck into my head!"
And we all laughed.

Anita~

In front of Ariel's Tree. All together. 

Just Another Marathon: T minus 2 days

This is the motivational Mantra my mother in law displays. It has become our family Mantra in this Journey. Thank You Dr. Daniel Sullivan. 

I am 12 days out from my first chemo treatment.
The first 4 days was blur.
In 2 days, I am going back into the battle. It is accumulative. I describe this best;  if you are playing on a football field, the same field, after each game the field doesn't get much recovery before you go back out about for another round.
I have felt great the last week. Today, I was more tired than I have been. I try very hard to lay down and rest if only for a half an hour.

It has been said that you will loose your hair 17-18 days after your first round of A/C. About 2 days after your 2nd treatment.
I have been preparing myself for losing my hair. Last week, my high school girlfriend Holly and her mother gave me a beautiful gift of head wraps. I am not going to wear wigs.

 Its summer, I have itch issues and it is what it is. But as I opened them I couldn't stop crying. It became so real. I am going to loose every stitch of the hair on my head. Chemotherapy attacks not only the diseased cells, but all cells.  In particular, those cells that reproduce quickly are affected (skin, hair, nails, GI tract etc.).  This particular regimen I am taking is very unforgiving on hair follicles.  It is 100% that I will lose my hair. (Sorry Lacey)
Everywhere I go people will know I have CANCER. I couldn't quit crying at the reality of it. The wraps were wonderful, I felt prepared and it gave me comfort.

• your going to possibly get thrush
• your skins going to dry out
• your finger tips are going to be very sensitive
• your going to get constipated or get chemo mudd (you can figure that out!)
• you will get headaches, nausea, and extreme fatigue
• you can not be in the sun

Oh the beautiful gifts I have been given to prepare me for this journey.

My sister sent me a huge "Cancer care package". She spent 2 hours hand picking each item from soft bamboo pajamas to snuggly pillows and creams.

Alecs girlfriend and mother game me a gift package that was so thoughtful with teas and magazines and thoughtful gifts for my treatments.

My family all came together with a care package like NO other, blessing me with shirts for my port, gum, ginger candies for nausea, snacks, cancer planner and so much more. 

I have been soo blessed.

Today, I got a gift that was personal and fun! Angie W. mailed me a surprise care package from Warren mi. Her and I worked with the youth a few years ago. It was a total shock. She shared some words with me I had no idea of. You never know who is watching you. 

As I prepare for the next battle, today I got a call from my Genetic testing. They were calling to talk about the bill.

Come to find out that little test to find out of if I am BRACHA1 is 800$. I was so grateful that they have a very generous assistance program. The program brought it down to 100$!

Wednesday morning, I have to be there early to talk to the onchologist before my 10am treatment. 

I am excited to meet with him. I plan to show him my running for the last 10 days. I will get my bloodwork done again, keep me in prayers. 

Prayers are the greatest gift we can give one another. I am beyond thankful for those gifts. 

RUNDOWN

Distance: 10 miles

Pace: 9.25min/mi

I met Lacey early with excitement to run some distance. Lacey is really good at making me walk and keeping me from getting to footloose and fancy. We did walk breaks every mile reminding me to drink as well. 

On our last tenth of a mile I heard something, it was my brother, he was Facetiming me and I must have answered it. Lacey and I had some fun laughter chatting with me brother. Lacey was arguing that I DON'T know for sure I am going to loose my hair. (She is in still in denial) My brother started to choke up and Lacey went in for the rescue making jokes. "You better get out here and get some pictures together, you look good bald, so Anita will too." 

It was fun. Laughter is fun. 

After running, Lacey signed me up with a fallen soldier that I will honor this Memorial Day. Wear Blue to Remember. 

We also signed up for Hartlands Memorial Day 10k. 

I won't be racing it, but I will be having fun running it!

“Cancer opens many doors. One of the most important is your heart.” – Greg Anderson

(And I would like to add, the heart of others)

Anita~

"We RUN for ANITA"

“An effort made for the happiness of others lifts us above ourselves.”
– Lydia M. Child

Liz, Thank you for your thoughtfulness. 

I just wanted to RUN. I wanted to run hard, I wanted to run free.
I wanted to run to a burn. I wanted to push myself with no boundaries.
I wanted to run not restricted to cancer.

I felt like a wild horse gated up only able to go so far, only able to go so fast.

I felt great. I was running in shorts and a tank top. I had my handheld filled to the brim for a 6 mile run.
"You can't get dehydrated...."
"You cant push yourself...."
"You can't over do it.."

What does that mean?  I love 3hour runs. I love running in the heat.
I Love pushing my body to the limits. Watching God work through me in my weakness is one of my favorite places to be.

I wasn't asking for a 3 hour run. I wasn't asking for a long run.
I just wanted to run a little harder. I wanted to feel the wind through my hair. I wanted to hear my voice say "..hold on Nita, hold on a little longer, stay strong..."

I took off under a canopy of grey skies ready to bust at the seams.
As I was leaving, Austin hollers "MOM, where are you running? What route are you taking? And how many miles are you running?"
He warned me of the storm coming.
It excited me. "Let me run through that obstacle, PLEASE just let me run into an element no one can take from me" I quietly pleaded with God...Fear of a storm only delighted me more.

Restricted but still free I ran....
My legs moved effortlessly.
6 miles was my goal. A six mile run can't get me in too much trouble.

The temperatures warm me up quick. I loved it.
I just couldn't discipline myself to slow down.

And just like that at mile 3 the skies EXPLODED. The rain came down sideways. I couldn't stop laughing. I threw my hands in the air joyfully. I didn't care who looked at me I was in my own HAPPY PLACE. The cool water saturated my skin within seconds. People were smiling as they saw my glee. I was in heaven.

DONG DONG...I was getting a text message. I knew I couldn't check my phone in the downpour so I ran to the gazebo and saw it was Austin checking on me. I told him I was good, "no thunder, no lightening."

And I hustled back out another 3 miles home.
RUNDOWN: 
Distance: 6miles
Pace: 7:53....OOPS

WHAT I DIDN'T TELL YOU....
About mile 5, I was thinking, "I am not even going to be able to race."  I can't over tax my body. I thought of my XC kids and how they get to RACE.
I thought of all those that got to race this weekend. How Lucky they were....

Only to get tagged on FB with this a very special post....

Lucas making my sign. 

Liz, a worker of mines mom ran a 5K today in my HONOR. Mia and Lucas her grandchildren made this AWESOME sign..
Mia also had her dad Phil out there running. Girls on a RUN. such a great organization.
They had no IDEA my thoughts today when they were running their 5K in my HONOR.

"WE RUN FOR ANITA". They Ran for me. I just wanted to cry. God works in mysterious way. In my quiet whispers he heard them. He heard my heart speak in silence. He brought me love. He brought me others to comfort and support me filling the voids this cancer has brought me.
Thank you MIA and LUCAS, I LOVE THE SIGN. You filled my heart. Thank you Liz, Phil and Stephanie for blessing me.

YEAH, congrats MIA and PHIL!

ANITA~

Genetics: BRCA1

"We all carry inside us, people who came before us." 

Liam Callanan

Have you ever been in a really bad car accident?
Its like you can see it coming but there is nothing you can do. You are completely helpless.
In a blink of an eye you are suddenly sitting in the middle of chaos.
At those moments you wonder "How am I going to get through all this".
A couple days pass and you look back and it is almost surreal.
You think, "How did I come out of that?"

This is how I have felt the last couple days looking back on the first 4 days post Chemo. I feel like myself again, however, reflecting back it was almost bizarre how I had no idea I was in such a mess.
I just took it, the headaches, the nausea, the lethargy as it came.
Ignorant.
Oblivious to the fact that THIS was the aftermath of a horrible collision with chemo.
I would still coach, I would even make it to our XC meet. I would work, I would enjoy a wonderful Mothers Day, and I would even muster enough energy to run.

I am one week out from Chemo also 1 week until I will have to do this again.

But today is yet another AMAZING day.
I GOT TO RUN again!

RUNDOWN
DISTANCE: 7.5 miles
LOCATION: Holly Rec

* I felt amazing. My energy was overflowing, which was rather impressive considering I had been up since 5:30am. My body was strong. And my spirits were high.
The trails were friendly. It warmed up so much I had to shed a layer.
We didn't run hard. We ran the 6 mile loop pretty steady but then we went over to the Lakeloop, doing more of a hike/run/explore.

Yesterday, I had my blood work done at my oncologists office.
My nurse said multiple times how "good" I looked. She even said I was "..their fittest patient they have EVER had."
"Deborah" asked how I was feeling. I told her about my running on Sunday and Monday.
She was so pleased with my lab results that she just told me to keep doing what I am doing!
My white count was great and all my labs were equally as good. I hadn't lost any weight and my hemoglobin is now UP to a 12.9!!
God is so good.


GENETIC TESTING
A little family history.
My Moms Side. 
Sadly, my mom and all her brothers died from alcoholism or illness as a result from. BUT NOT CANCER.
I have one cousin that I know of that  battled stomach cancer and lost that battle.
My Dads Side. 
Lila my cousin informed me weeks ago as she herself is ALSO battling stage 2, triple negative breast cancer that I had a family history deep with cancer. Lila had undergone GENETIC testing and discovered she has BRCA1 genetic mutation. Lila at that time did not know that I was undergoing a biopsy.
She would soon only discover we would be battling the same cancer together.

Today I gave 3 more vials of blood. My results will come in 2 weeks.

Finding the results out of this mutation is very important. The results will change my treatment.
I have what is considered Hereditary cancer, this makes up for 5-10% of breast cancer breakdown.
Let me show you the numbers:

• 1 in 3 people will get some form of cancer in their lifetime. 
• A woman with NO family history of breast cancer is most likely at average risk. The average risk of developing breast cancer is about 12% over a woman's lifetime. 
• 52%-87% of women with the BRCA1 mutation will get breast cancer. 
• This means a woman with BRCA1 mutation has up to 7 times greater RISK of getting breast cancer, then the general population
• With BRCA1 there is a 30% chance you will have a reoccurrence of your primary cancer WITHIN 5 years. 

REMEMBER, I have HEREDITARY Breast Cancer.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN TO MY BOYS?

My boys MAY HAVE that gene from ME. Therefore, they can develop breast cancer as well as prostrate cancer. If they HAVE the gene (IF they get tested) My boys would have to start screening as early as 35 years old. 

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN TO ME?

It means I don't like my odds. I will get a bilateral double mastectomy as well as a hysterectomy. 

It also means that my treatment will change. My oncologist will add a drug known as Carboplatin to the NEXT series of chemo treatments AFTER this one. It will be added in with the Taxol when I am going every week. This mutation has shown to be very responsive to this drug. 

This testing was HIGHLY recommended by my oncologist. 

I share with you all this information because it is powerful. 

That is a little box Num Nums. While in Detroit ONE must go to Astoria. 

"Some family trees have beautiful leaves, and some have just a bunch of nuts. Remember, is the nuts that make the tree worth shaking._ UNKNOWN

Anita~

It all started out with a Run.

"Movement is the best form of medication... It makes your mind sharper." 

Conor Mcgregor, MMA Fighter

The best combat to fight fatigue is to exercise. This was the golden nugget that my Oncologist nurse gave me. Of course she had to follow with "That does not mean that you can go back to running 50 mile run weeks". 

This originally started out as a RUNNING BLOG. I have every intention of keeping it that way. 

A blog that was designed to encourage us to be OVERCOMERS. 

To teach us that despite our circumstances, Against the Odds, we can be successful, we can be talented, we can be encouraging to others.

That in all of it I GIVE GOD the GLORY. 

So I look back, growing up in a @#%*  storm, living a life like a pipsqueak, feeling like a black cloud was chasing me, like God himself hated me, was punishing me....

But reminding myself that in fact He loves me. 

And here again, almost comical, I stand at 45 years old with Stage 2 Breast Cancer. It is all I can do to just laugh. 

I thought if I didn't drink, I didn't smoke and I didn't toke, I was golden. Eat clean, run, exercise, be kind, praise God, eat your Vegetables I would dodge the bullet. 

HA HA, It really is comical. 

Everyday I feel that lump on my right breast. My lymph are so large it hurts daily.  I have this adorable pixie cut. All reminders that I have Cancer. It makes me shiver. 

In less than 2 weeks, I will be bald. It makes me tremble. 

Just 3 days ago, I couldn't hardly get one foot in front of the other I was so sick. 

"Not so tough now, are you Nita"...I had to laugh. Back to feeling like a pipsqueak. 

I had enough energy to tackle Friday and Saturday at work. 

Not enough to RUN.

Sunday, I started to come out of the woods even more. 

A little run. 

TODAY....Every Mile Matters. 

10 MILES. 

Its the little things. Its not giving up, its just readjusting your expectations. 

Finding JOY in the Little things. A few miles are better than NO MILES. 

I am learning to take each day as they come. I have heard most people say that the first 3 days after Chemo are the hardest. Because I have "Dose Dense Therapy", my first round would hold true to that. 

I have 3 more ROUNDS of the "Red Devil".  Because it is accumulative it is only going to get harder. But if I THINK about that then add how I felt Thursday and Friday to the equation then I am going to cower in defeat and depression. 

I have to feel the pain, then relate to it to prepare me for the next round. 

I also have to FIND JOY, adhere to it so I can have HOPE. 

That was today. Finding HOPE. 

Running a 10 mile run when I would normally be running a 25 mile run brought me HOPE not Despair. 

I counted it ALL JOY. 

Its Finding the best in the worst situations.

Its Being your best in the worst circumstances.

Its searching for the light in the darkness. 

Like Lacey says "Its not always unicorns and rainbows." And I am not pumping sunshine in ignorance. I have felt the pain of cancer, one round, and I have SEVERAL more rounds to go. 

But I know I will have Joy in the process. 

Today was indeed a JOYOUS day. I was ANITA! I know I overdid it but I felt so good. I got to do all the things I loved. 

I got to run with Lacey.

I got to clean Maw Maws house.

I got to have lunch with Joan and baby Wes, and stop over Lisa's for a quick cuppa joe. I got to have my heart full coaching XC and I even was able to hit the grocery store and MAKE DINNER! 

If you could see the cheesy smile I still have. 

Me and Wes, He is sooo Adorable. 

Lori and Gay took me to Honchos a couple weeks ago, It was nice to play it forward and take Joan and Wes there today. 

The BEST Nachos and tortilla soup!

It all started out with a RUN. 

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

ANITA~

Mothers Day, A Cherry on Top.

I am starting late this evening. 
I was planning to blog earlier but I had a very pleasant  surprise. 
"Devon", "Dave" and also known as "DWILLZ" all the same, stopped over to see me. Devon has been like a son to us, he has been Austin's best friend literally from elementary. 
It was fun to laugh, go back down memory lane and be out of my head for a bit. 

Mothers Day:

I am 4 days POST round 1 of Chemo. I am also on my 4th morning of headaches. 
Mothers Day gave me no grace. I have learned to buck up, get out of bed, get coffee and Tylenol. I find myself on the corner of the couch with my fuzzy blanket and coffee, living on a prayer. 

But it was Mothers Day, even with a belly filled with nauseasness and a head that was screaming I painted more than the barn, I painted a smile of true happiness. 
I had both my boys home with me. And even though this is a tough season we are entering, as a family we are closer than ever. 

It was a wonderful day. I felt better than I had in days. My symptoms were not as much work to overcome. 

We had 1pm reservations at Shepherds Hollow. I LOVE going here for dinner. It is expensive but my boys love it and honestly I do too. 

I ate like a piggy. I did. I ate and ate and tried to eat more. I had fruit, French toast, roast beef, cheese, salmon, potatoes, potatoes salad, and dessert, all different desserts. I ate off Andy's plate and I went up for seconds with excitement. My belly wanted to eat and everything smelled so good. I hadn't ran since Chemo and I didn't care about calories or about keeping it "clean", I just wanted to taste food, indulge, enjoy and be gluttonous. 

All that food made me tired. We took a few family photos and headed home to nap. I normally would run, but I knew I needed to rest. I was hoping that if I rested that maybe I could run. Resting is not something I have ever done well.  I am used to "Pushing through". Andy constantly keeps reminding me "Nita, you can't push through this, this isn't the flu...." 

So I napped. And when I woke up I felt great, no headache, no nausea...I just wanted to RUN!!

The CHERRY on TOP. 

"Andy, will you go with me?" I asked knowing he couldn't say no.

"How far are you thinking?

"I was thinking 3 miles." I said with excitement. 

My body was shaking with excitement. I just wanted to run. It was 50' and drizzling, but I didn't care. I just wanted TO RUN!

I live across the street from a small park that has a 5K trail. We leashed up Sheba and headed out. 

My RUN didn't disappoint me. The trail was GREEN and the buds were coming up. Within a mile I saw a deer checking us out. I was in HEAVEN. It smelled lush, the trail welcomed me back. 

"Andy, isn't it beautiful?" I think I said more than I realized when I heard him chuckle at me. 

Like a little kid in a candy store I was in awe. 

A 5k. In the woods. On trails. 

The Cherry On Top of a wonderful Mothers Day. 

Anita~

A Post in Pictures, Chemo #1

Today was my first chemo treatment at 10am.

I met Tammy and April, the nurses.
Tammy was my nurse.

After about 10 minutes in the facility, guilt overcame me.
The first time I came to the facility when I was diagnosed and meeting my oncologist, Dr. Cotant, I didn't like the atmosphere. It was cold and depressing. It had no windows either.
I actually asked Dr Cotant if there was another place I could have my treatment, he looked at me like I had 2 heads. No fault of him at all.
I am ashamed of myself for my initial thoughts. I mean I do have cancer, and no windows are going to make that go away, so to some degree, yes I suppose my initial thought was me still dealing with the reality of my cancer.

BUT Today...

I was whistling Dixie. I feel comforted. Tammy, my nurse is fresh and bright. She is very good at informing me of all the information and procedures she was doing. 

My biggest concern was getting shot in my port. She would be putting it through my skin. I just didn't know what to expect. 

It was a piece of cake!

Once the port has the poke they begin to administer 4 drugs BEFORE the chemo:

1. Aloxi 250 mcg anti nausea 
2. Adivan .5mg anti nauseas
3. Decadan 5mg steroid
4. Cinvanti 130mg Anti nausea 

THEN...AC: The Red Devil

By the time they slipped me my chemo about 20 minutes had passed and I was DROWSY!

Feeling a little bit drowsy...

Andy sat with me coloring.  I really wanted to play a game, 5 Crowns. It didn't take much to talk him into that. Before we played mom and dad showed up. Mom joined in. 

The chemo was no big deal, my speech was slurring and they were making fun of me. I laughed but I didn't like that feeling.  

Playing cards took my mind off it.

After the Chemo was finished, I still had one more procedure, my Neulista, its a bone morrow stimulant to help your body produce more white blood cells. Originally, my insurance didn't cover this 6000$ drug that is part of my treatment, but thankfully their office worked their magic. You can see how it is a small bubble. It stays on my skin for 27 hours and administers the drug through a very tiny catheter that was poked from the bubble. Seriously, some major scifi stuff. 

HOLY CRAP that poke hurt. I squealed, then laughed. It feels like someone pulls back a rubberband and nails you.

It was close to 1 by the time we left. We set up my next 3 appointments and headed home.

I just wanted to lay down. Andy made me lunch, roasted chicken breast, cheese slice, hummus, and berries.

Andy must have snapped a picture while I was cashed out!

I ate and cashed out. I woke up trying to scramble. I had XC to go to. 

And after that I was heading to Fenton. Our AD, his daughter plays soccer for Fenton and today was their breast cancer awareness game.  Macy was playing in my honor. It was the sweetest thing. My heart was melted.

Macy Melero and I, so sweet. 

It was almost 7 pm by the time I got home. My head was hurting and my belly was flipping. 

Andy was so excited for dinner, Claudia and Rachel made us meals. Tonight was Tacos. This was great, my family loves Mexican food. Monday we had Kathleen's enchiladas. 

These busy days, I am trying to do everything I can do, but today, today I am toast. Andy could make a meal, Alec could set the table and I just had to get off the couch. Thank YOU. 

Its Just another Marathon..

"Romans 5:3-5 ³Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Anita~

Angels Unaware.

I started getting little messages before I had announced my diagnosis.
I hadn't even told my boys yet.

After I had shared the news of my breast cancer with my boys, a very very hard thing to do, Andy told me I really should announce it.
The news was spreading like wildfire and I wasn't able to keep up on the inquiries.
Andy said it will be like a "Statement".
I really didn't want to announce it on my FB. So I blogged it then posted it, that way you could read it if you chose and if you didn't want to you didn't have to open it.

I was overwhelmed with all the love, prayers, and support I received. I am overflowing.

Today I had a "Cancer Class". It was just for us. "Deborah" was incredible. She was fast talking, direct, her information flowed smoothly and kindly.
She asked how I was doing,
"I am doing very well, I have been circled around so much love and support that I almost feel guilty for this process going as well as it has."

Everyday I am showered with love, kindness, support, encouragement, prayers, I can seriously go on and on.

From past XC runners of mine to old running partners, I have gotten so many texts and messages just to say "HI, I am praying for you..."

I have gotten messages from people I don't even know, clients, old neighbors and so many church members offering support, I have been lavished with LOVE.

Thank YOU, I have read every message, every text, every comment.

Last week was very difficult on me. Everyday I had Dr, appointments or procedures. It kicked me in the teeth a bit. I maintained a smile and tried really hard to stay pleasant.
I slacked on a lot at home and tried to play catch up but the reality has been tough, I cant keep up.
But we have been given special homemade dinners and desserts.
Today, my running friends spoiled me, I was given enough meals for a week with a goody bag of gift certificates for dinners and stuff to pamper myself.
In my quiet place, I am tearful. Soo Much LOVE.

"We entertain Angels Unaware." God has more than just love and support for me, he has also taken care of my boys. My family is used to a mom that makes dinner most nights, I am so blessed to be given dinners for them.
I don't believe God gave me cancer, He allows things, But I do BELIEVE HE gives comfort, healing, love, support through His word and through others.

My Angels. thank you to all my ANGELS. Words can not express how grateful I am for everything, from meals to prayers to a sweet text...I want you to know from the bottom of my heart...Thank YOU. 

Love You ALL. 

RUNDOWN
Distance: 16miles

Erin called me this morning to "Power Walk". I was down with it.
"I will run to your house and run back.." I responded
I should have waited to get the response on how far she wanted to walk.
I ran towards her house getting close to 4 miles in until I realized I was on the wrong road to her house! I had to call her to pick me up, this turned out great because I also needed her to drive me home....Because she about KILLED ME!
My run was awesome, I was running in the low 8's and feeling amazing.
Everything felt great, until it didn't. 
I saw myself running down the road in my tomorrows, I saw myself running slower, more deliberate without hair, I saw a different Anita.
An Anita with Cancer.
Tears welled in my eyes. They came so abruptly. Big tears, alligator tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn't want to be Anita, with Breast Cancer. I didn't want people to recognize me because they saw my Cancer running down the road. I had so many bigger reasons to cry, but I found this image emotionally grasping me. I gave myself 5 minutes, a tool I use to prevent myself from getting choked by emotions. Then I took a deep breath, wiped the warm tears from my chin and reminded myself how thankful I was to run in in shorts, in the misty rain.
Erin never saw anything less than a smile when she picked me up.
I did my best keep my wobble sticks walking next to her. My watch kept beeping with our miles. I thought we must me doing a loop, only we passed every road moving farther and farther from her house. When we hit Milford road, I though she might have some short cut back home. "Ok, lets turn around and go back...."
I was puttering out and confused...."wait, so we are walking back the way we came....?"
OH yeah! It was a 9 mile WALK! I still had to run at XC.
My squatty legs were TOAST when we arrived back at her house. I was cracking up, over 13 miles, there was no way I was running back home! Erin kindly drove me home. We had a very sweet time.

We had Fun.
"Deborah" my nurse today told me to keep running, to run until I can't. To listen to my body, but to keep going.
That's what I will do. With thankfulness and grace. I have so much to be thankful for.

Anita~