Void not Avoid

I asked Andy to reread my last post concerned I was TOO transparent. He said, (without reading it ) as long as I didn't share too much of our "dirty Laundry" it would be fine.
I responded "No, its just about me, my mess."
"Its fine then"

I headed to the bath. 9:33pm.
9:45 Andy came into the bathroom, "NITA, what did you post? That is soo dark...."

It was how I felt. I wrote that post in less than an hour. The words flowed from my heavy emotional baggage.

"Andy, if there is one person out there that reads this and says "YES, Yes, I feel that way...…than it is all worth it."

It was my UGLY. It is my Ugly. Only its not like a selfie, I cant retake it an retake it to get the picture I want.
I shared my ugly, vulnerable to my audience.
I don't have it all together like my photos show on Facebook.
I don't cheer and smile in the shadows.

"RYAN" one of the pastors at our church spoke today about the woman at the well.
She had baggage and she was broken.
But after Jesus pulled out her baggage he encouraged her to Go and share.

Through her darkness, her testimony, her transparency she encouraged others.

FEAR. 
"Ryan" said, "When you know someone is struggling why don't you CALL them, Text them, Encourage them, and not judge them....."

I was so nervous after Andy spoke to me about how dark my post was. So nervous I took it down the following day.

BUT. I have a few amazing friends. I had a few friends that called me and text me and left me beautiful messages.
I was so scared and they encouraged me and loved on me. I was afraid of being judged. Everyone has an opinion, and not all of them are good.

A NEW DAY.

I am better than I was but it is still a struggle. Today was a tough day.
My beautiful grandma used to say "Anita, do you want me to get you a pan to hold all those tears?" I smile and cry at the same time thinking of my Grandma, my angel.
I sure miss her LOVE. She always hurt when I hurt. Her hazel eyes would glaze over and her bony fingers would wrap around mine as she would share some Irish joke to make me smile.

Making Plans. 
Isolation is not good for me. I know this.
I have been making plans to keep my head above water. Surrounding myself around people who encourage me and love me when I am happy, and accept me when I am not.

RACING Plans.

• The Great Pizza Challenge: Thursday night, August 9th
• The Crim: August 25th
• Woodstock 100K: September 7th
• Detroit Freepress Marathon: October 21st
• MCM: October 18th
• Clarkston Backroads: November 11th

Collision: 

While I might feel Void of outrageous Anita behavior I am not Void of feeling. 

"Debbie" a client of mine was in my chair this past week and reminded me how it hurts to "FEEL". 

I feel so sensitive. Like a cool breeze on a hot steamy afternoon. You feel it.  Just as you feel that sweat sting your eyes. 

I have made plans to help me come out of this. I am working on things to help encourage me. I know I can't just wait for "This" to pass. 

I have to step out. Take a chance. And hope people can accept that this girl doesn't have it all together. 

The smile cries, disappoints, and struggles. 

Anita~