Running in Circles: Discouragment

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.   

1 Peter 5:7

Wednesday, Nov. 15th
I was up and at em' early, My bags were packed and I had BIG plans to go to the gym. I was quite proud of my ambitious self.

I have to start getting reacquainted with pain. It is just not a relationship that I love. Its a LOVE/HATE relationship.

I was looking forward to wearing my new running shorts from Poshmark, NWT's!

I saw so many familiar faces, I had several double takes. It was like people saw a ghost, a really scrawny ghost. I mean it has only been about 5 months since I had been at GAC.

I always fall in love the second my feet hit the track. I get all warm and fuzzy.

I forgot my watch and really didn't feel like counting laps. I decided to try and run by time.
7:54AM

Funny, the things that circulate in your head when you are running alone.

Everytime I came around the track, I looked at the clock and felt discouraged by how slow I was. My body was tweaking and creaking.
First my right knee was achy.
Then behind my left knee, I felt little twinges.
Somewhere around milee 3, I was trying to count my miles based on my laps splits I was doing and I got confused from my heavy breathing. I found myself angry.
"Why am I out of breath? Did I run more than 3? Good try Anita, not even close." The dialogue in my head was maddening.
If my sloth like pace, animalistic breathing and  body aches weren't the beginning to my end the voices in my head were surely going to be the death of me. 

The one positive note was running less miles. I was bringing my miles down to attempt to pick my pace up from a sloth to a snail run.

Distance: 5 miles.
Average pace 8:20min/mi.
I stretched, rolled, and did core.
Funny, my pace could have discouraged me more but it was really just the stinking thinking that was getting the best of me.

THURSDAY: 
Due to hunting season we stayed off the trails. We headed out to Seven lakes to run the roads. It was nice to run with the gang. With the week I have had being around their positive energy was a major mood booster.
Don't let my smile fool you. My goofy behavior, my extroverted self struggles with SELF. My yesterdays haunt me, my mistakes cling to me, my mind twists, my heart breaks..It's total chaos.

Distance: 9 miles
We ran from Seven Lakes to Dauner Park in Fenton. It was fun. Laughter, smiles, stories and food. I made the gang quiche. Food is always a mood enhancer!

SATURDAY:
When the chatter is trying to run you down you do what you do..RUN. I went to the gym directly after work. 2 days booked on my feet all day and I didn't think twice about running.
I jumped on my favorite treadmill. I knew that a good sweat mixed with pain would cure the slumber that was growing in me. At least for a little while.
I did a mile warm up on the TM. I set the incline at 2.0, my pace about 11min/mi  running 30 seconds sideways to the right, 30 seconds running backwards then 30 seconds sideways left and back to the front, walking it off for 30 seconds. I do this to help my balance, I don't touch the rails, I transition as steady as I can in a circular motion, my sideways running I get down low shuffling my legs, keeping it smooth, almost like a dance. After a mile I am sweating, and my legs are burning, I am ready to run.
Keeping the miles down I picked up the pace.
You know what the worst is?? When you are ready to run, ready to go, you have a plan. You are ready to execute greatness and BAM! The TM STOPS! Yep, I forgot to set the timer, it is automatically set at 20minute. I had a mile and a half in and it SHUT OFF. Forgetting I was around other people I moaned !UGH"?!
I hit the digits this time and picked back up my pace trying to increase my speed with each mile.

Distance: 5.4 miles
The last mile I ran farteks for every tenth of a mile. This felt really good, in a weird way.

SUNDAY..TODAY.
I get ready for church. I wear my new dress, paint the barn, blow my hair out and get all prettied up. Andy and I drove separately, he was doing communion and had to be there really early. Alec and I snuck in 10 minutes late during the music. Andy and I were a bit snippy with each other before church, (keeping it real here) so I wasn't sure if he was even going to look in my direction. But he did, twice..three times...all throughout the service. He didn't even ask when I bought the new dress he enjoyed looking at me in it. This softened the morning, making me smile.
But when you are in a slumber moments are brief. The good moments are shadowed by the anger, sadness, confusion, discouragement.
I headed to the gym. Solo run.
I wanted to run 10 miles at a sub 9min mile.  I remembered my Timex Danielle bought me years ago. It made me smile...
So many things make me smile. I love smiling. I think I am pretty good at it too. I feel guilty when I don't smile.
I was hoping that running around the track would interrupt the dumpster of garbage thoughts I was having.
Afterall, I had to do a lot of math. I had to count my laps, check my pace, add my miles and check my time all the while remembering to hit my splits. I was not off to a good start. I forgot to hit my 1st mile split, therefore I hit my first split at mile 2..at 17: 50. I was on track, this was good.
All those digits, calculations didn't stop the truck from dumping more on my.

THE SLUMBER: It works like this. 
It just takes a "LOOK"  
or a " word.
Maybe it is the tone of someone's voice that clings to you. 
You can be having a great day and you see something on social media, or see someone do something you weren't expecting. 
Sometimes you are disappointed in someone, or your expectations were not made, or you didn't see something coming and it CAME. 
For me it is all of these. 

But in that you receive a gentle smile, a warm hug, kind words, loving touches and laughter. 

You giggle, you joke, you love, you share, you give and then...you are alone with yourself. 

The worse place for you. Alone with yourself...and all that is slowly shadowed.

You miss, you hurt, you fight, it is a slow death. 
You hear those words like a broken record, you see that image that you cant delete, you worry about your tomorrows that aren't here and you cant forget you yesterdays that are long gone. 
THE SLUMBER. 

Distance: 10.5
10 miles @ 8:36min/mi
Time: 1:26
More CORE, stretching and rolling.
Each mile, I was able to suspend my thoughts. I asked God to get me to the next mile. I asked him to let me be a machine. Emotionless. Focused on the mission at hand. No distractions.
"God, help me to let go of those things that are confusing me, that are hurting me, keeping me from your Joy. Please God, please, it is hijacking the good I want to feel."
I want JOY, I want Love, I want to celebrate, smile and cling to beauty.

• Negative thoughts steal your Joy. 
• Expectations are premature resentments. 
• Change the way you look at things and the way things look will change. 

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.   

1 Peter 5:7

I crawled inside myself today on the track. I gave every thought, every person, every yesterday and each of my tomorrows to HIM.
He wasn't audible to me today. But I have to trust he heard my heart. I have to remind myself He is always present even when I cant feel him or hear Him.

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

Anita