Some weeks I am confident.
But then I have training days that I am discouraged and fearful.
100 miles is no joke. I am often afraid that no matter what I will not be prepared.
“The Lord bless you
and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace.”
and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace.”
Numbers 6:24-26
I miss yesterdays.
I miss my old running partners. All of them.
I attach to easy and others seem to detach just as easy. Such is life.
But as I run I think of them often. I have learned so much about not just myself but about running, training and even life through others.
Sunday was my 15 mile tempo run with Lacey.
We met at Indian Springs. 3 mile w/u at a 9:30 pace, 10 miles @ 8:30-9min/mi then a 2 mile cool down.
I was concerned I wasn't going to be able to do it. The park was full of families. It was the craziest thing running out there. We literally ended up with a cheering squad. Families were cheering for us, the workers were encouraging us, making each mile more tolerable and even exciting.
Shockingly, Lacey messed up our miles but we gritted it out together. "LACEY, I HATE YOU!" I cried thinking we only had one more mile, NOPE, 2 more miles and we had just picked our pace up.
We nailed it. We agonized together and we celebrated together with Starbucks!
Monday I bailed on Matt and Paula. The Lightning McQueen Team. I didn't know how my legs would do. Suffering is such a vulnerable feeling. I did not want to fall apart in front of the speed team.
I decided to run solo. One of the ways I have been training is I run back to back long runs, one flats and one trails.
Monday was trails.
I woke up in a slumber. I was out of sorts with myself. I couldn't pinpoint the basis for my emotional rollercoaster. I just figured it would be better with music and trails.
As I pulled into Holdridge I noticed Claudia and Rachel's vehicles.
I wanted to run solo, I was hoping maybe I could make sense from senselessness. Without realizing what I was doing I had Rachel on the phone "HEY! where are you guys?"
I wasn't meant to be alone.
I ran down Hess Rd into the 9 mile short cut and backwards to find the girls. My legs were moving freely, forgiving.
I actually felt a little smile sneaking out. I moved through the trails light on my feet. My body was agile, taking the turns smoothly and tapping my toes across the roots and the rocks.
My music was playing The Revivalists, "Wish I Knew You".
Even in my slumber I was able to disquise it all with a smile, greeting the girls with laughter.
Together the girls and I ran 10 miles together. The were running 20 miles and I was as well. They had 9 miles on me.
We parted ways after finishing up the West loop.
I headed back into the East loop for another 9.5 miles.
It didn't take long before the voices got louder. I turned my music up louder blocking everything out. Fearless I ran through the trails never really looking over my shoulder.
My yesterdays were colliding with my tomorrows. My failures with beating down my victories. I questioned myself on many levels. My Slumber was returning.
NOOO. NO. My legs were moving, I was encompassed by raw nature. The pollution of the world was so far from me.
I cried to God. "Whatcha Whatcha running from?" the lyrics singing to me.
I turned up the music even louder. I even sang out loud. "You shine like a star...."
I was no longer fighting to finish this 20 mile trail run, I was fighting for freedom from the confusion that was seeping through me.
I came out of the trail with a mile back to my truck on Hess Rd.
21 miles. Grateful for good friendships. Friends that never quit on me. Never walked away on me. I was so blessed to have 'Ran" into Claudia and Rachel.
Tuesday I recovered. No running.
But today, back at it. Hard core today.
I needed to run 18-20 miles between today and tomorrow. But Tomorrow I am signed up for a God forsaken 5K. UGH. I run them for fun. They hurt like HELL. I am terrible at them as well. It takes me 3 miles to just warm up. I have ran faster after a 10 mile run then I have ran some 5k's! Running 18 miles tomorrow and a 5k in the evening was not a good idea.
Today was going to have to be my long run.
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”
Jeremiah 17:7-8
My day was busy, giving so many opportunities to BAIL. I took off solo in 80' weather. In a sports bra, paper thin socks and ridiculously short shorts, I didn't care what I looked like. I knew I was gonna be roasting.
With 4 miles in Alec was texting me. "DONE."
Football practice was over early. I had 2 miles to get home still.
After dropping him off I headed back into the sun down E.Holly Rd for another 12 miles.
At mile 10, I had a major brain fart. I was in such a hurry I forgot to grab nutrition. All I had eating were some of my homemade beans and chips.
I was almost out of water and I was getting shaky.
I thought about calling Austin. Then I thought maybe I should call Andy, he might me closer.
I couldn't make it back home. I was beginning to panic. There was no way I could make it another 8 miles.
THEN...
My phone started vibrating...a group text from Claudia, Rachel and Kris about running.
DUH! Rachel was just 2 miles down E.Holly rd.
I texted her I was on my way.
Half naked I was a sight for sore eyes as I walked into a young girls Bible study by the poolside!
I wanted to grab the towel and cover myself up but I saw the tortilla chips and dove in.
Rachel was grabbing me water and even went into the house and brought me some Honey Stinger chews.
The girls were so beautiful. I felt like a freak show act interrupting their beautiful time together. Rachel was such a blessing. She made me feel welcomed and was such a blessing to me.
I headed home with a genuine smile. For a couple miles I even forgot how hot and tired I was. I made it home with so much encouragement.
I ran into Reagan, a friend of mine and got a big hug from her. I had so many people wave at me, pull over to let me run the roads, back up to let me cross intersections and just smile at me. I think they felt sorry for me, I looked pretty ragged.
Distance:18 miles.
Pace: 9:33- 30 second walk breaks at the top of every mile.
Time: 2:52:10
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday night, I went Kayaking. Rachel loaned me her kayaks to test them out before I purchase one.
Monday morning I was in a slumber. Happiness was out there but only surface deep. It was a fragile feeling.
I was overcome by happiness. It was in the silence. The stillness of the world around me. I was the only thing moving as I paddle gently across the lake. I felt it, it touched me, it held me, it circled me. I didn't have to go looking for it. I just had to be OPEN to it. I had to receive it.
Happiness is everywhere.
Anita~
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