Tuesday Nite Purge

Tuesday night are always a long and emotional night for me.

I was able to get out of work at 4:15pm giving me time to run to the grocery store to pick up some essentials we had depleted.

Still wearing heals, I rushed through the aisles as quick as I could.
I kept a close eye on my watch as time was slipping by fast and I still had to get home, put the groceries away, make dinner and if I was lucky get to sit for 10 minutes and eat it with the boys.

Not a moment wasted, everything was actually moving in perfect order.
As I was putting the food on the boys plates, I started to think about the addiction group I had to make it to. My mind began to wander, my heart grew heavy as I thought of how everyone made it through the holidays.
I was trying to listen to the boys tell me about their day but I thought about "Judy" and wondered if she was able to smile as her family struggled all around her. I thought about "Lesa" and how it would be her first Christmas without her son who passed away in June.
I couldn't remember eating that last bite of food on my plate as I found myself rinsing the dishes and setting them in the dishwasher.


With my Tim Hortons coffee in one hand and my notebook in the other I walked up the steps of the big white church. I prayed every step asking God to help me, to forgive me, to lead me.
I look forward to Sandra being at the door to greet me. She has the most genuine smile.
"HI ANITA, you look so beautiful." Sandra looked me directly in the eyes with realness.
I blushed and replied "Thank you, I didn't have time to change, you are too sweet."

I was stopped a few times with concerns for people and questions from others. I didn't feel like I could help anyone. I barely felt like I could help myself.

Pastor spoke. He spoke of stories I had heard several times in the 25 years I had been going to the church. I half listened and the other half took notes and begged God to help me to help others.

I took down some notes for my meeting.

Our beliefs determine the differences between Victory and Defeat.

If we feel Helpless and our situation feels Hopeless, we will NEVER change.

Romans 8:37 "We are more than conquerors through Him who loves us."  

Funny how I wrote these few words down and how our meeting directed me to these thoughts on hopelessness.

If we think we are, we are.
If we believe nothing will ever change then we quit before ever starting.

It is a horrible feeling to live life thinking "This is it, this is my life."
Especially when it is a life of pain and suffering. No you can not change others. You can not fix others. You can only manage yourself and your reaction to the life that is circling you.

I was able to speak these words to some that felt discouraged by the constant chaos. I know those feelings. I have felt them. I have felt them so deep that life was not worth living. Because the sadness was so overwhelming it blocked out all hope.

But there was a crack, a tiny crack, not visible to anyone. A crack that only God himself knew existed as he penetrated it, bringing forth His light, His hope, his love for me.

Love that I didn't know anything of.  

My Tuesday night notes.

Anita