The BUGS are Crawling all over me: Addiction.

The first time I heard this song, I wanted to hear it again, and again and again. Tears flooded my eyes at the same time a grin stretched across my face. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I just did both.

The language might be too much for some to bear but not for one that grew up with these words on a daily basis. Please Forgive me as I didn't take any of the vulgarities out.

I'm not Glorifying this song anymore than I am the glorifying going through the ugly scene of addiction. This was a day in the life of me.

The link is under the title for the video.

S.O.B.

By Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats

I'm gonna need someone to help me
I'm gonna need somebody's hand
I'm gonna need someone to hold me down
I'm gonna need someone to care
I'm gonna writhe and shake my body
I'll start pulling out my hair
I'm going to cover myself with
The ashes of you and nobody's gonna give a damn

Son of a bitch
Give me a drink
Won't more night
This can't be me
Son of a bitch
If I can't get clean
I'm gonna drink my life away

Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh

Now for seventeen years I've been throwing them back
Seventeen more will bury me
Can somebody please just tie me down
Or somebody give me a goddamn drink

Son of a bitch
Give me a drink
Won't more night
This can't be me
Son of a bitch
If I can't get clean
I'm gonna drink my life away

Mhm, mhm
Mhm, mhm, mhm, mhm
Mhm, mhm
Mhm, mhm, mhm, mhm

My heart was breaking, hands are shaking, bugs are crawling all over me
My heart was breaking, hands are shaking, bugs are crawling all over me
My heart was breaking, hands are shaking, bugs are crawling all over me
My heart was breaking, hands are shaking, bugs are crawling all over me

Son of a bitch
Give me a drink
Won't more night
This can't be me
Son of a bitch
If I can't get clean
I'm gonna drink my life away

Son of a bitch
Give me a drink
Son of a bitch
This can't be me
Son of a bitch
If I can't get clean
I'm gonna drink my life away

Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh

We had over a 2 hour drive to Orlando when I was in Florida with my brother. My brother and I are close, however, we never talk about our past. My brother doesn't like to relive it. But somedays I just want him to fill in the blanks for me.

I pulled my Ipod out and with apprehension and told my brother I had a song I wanted him to hear. I just needed him to hear it, I wanted to know if it felt the same to him to hear the lyrics as it did me.

He grabbed the AUX chord and plugged it in.

The clapping and humming came through the speakers. Bobby looked ahead trying to figure out what I was asking him to listen to.

"SON OF A B****, GET ME A DRINK"

I saw a smirk come across his face.

He was totally engaged. He played it again and again.

"MY HEART WAS BREAKING,HANDS ARE SHAKING, BUGS ARE CRAWLING ALL OVER ME."

Bobbys hands went up in the air the way we would see moms hands shaking. He was singing LOUD "BUGS are CRAWLING ALL OVER ME!"
 Leeanne asked "Bugs?"

BOBBY replied Matter of Factly "BUGS are crawling all over me, The DT's." He went on to explain how grandma made him go visit Uncle Danny in the hospital as he was detoxing and going through some pretty serious hallucinations. Just another day in the life of being a Murdock.

If it wasn't mom it was an uncle and it was a bad week when it was all of them.

My mom would be out of money, out of cigarettes, out of pills and booze. But she wouldn't be out of lungs as she would SCREAM "SON of a B**** GET ME A DRINK!"

I would scrape together all the babysitting money I had and take a letter to the party store to get her a "JUMBO" and a pack of cigarettes.

I often wonder what they thought with a 13 year old kid walking to the store to get her mom booze.

My mother would be screaming nonsense. Talking to people that weren't there. Crawling across the floor with no dignity or shame in a tattered nightgown.

She would scrape at her skin and pull on her hair.

The phones were disconnected and there was no one to call. I knew that 40oz malt liquor would be gone in seconds, then I was in for another long night of chaos.

BOBBY sang LOUDER "I'm gonna drink my LIFE AWAY!"

I looked at my brother the way I did when I was just a kid. My big brother, as big as he was it still hurt him. As big as he was, he was still little in the big scheme of addiction. As big as my brother was to me Addiction was bigger then even he was and bigger than all of us together.
He left at 15 for Florida.

Here we sat in the truck bonding over these lyrics. I sat in the backseat reading the words off my phone as Bobby sang loud and laughing.

There is nothing funny about loosing your parents to addiction.

The Laughter was just a release, a bonding moment, a moment of remembering where we came from. The words, the beat, the tone of the song couldn't have described our life growing up anymore spot on.

"FOR 17 YEARS I HAVE BEEN THROWING THEM BACK AND FOR 17 MORE WILL BURY ME"

Not a DAY goes by that I don't miss my mother. I would even go back to holding my mother in my arms as she screamed crazy I miss her so much.

But she knew as I knew The Bottle was too much for her to fight. It was going to be her undertaker. I think we all knew.

Always my Big Brother.

Please don't judge me. I hope you can hear my heart.

Addiction isn't just a bad habit. It is bigger than most, it isn't prejudice, it never quits fighting for you. Addiction romances you, lies to you, loves you and kills you with no regrets. It takes mothers and father from children, Children from parents, it breaks marriages, tears families and leaves a trail of destruction that haunts families for years and generations.  

"Amazing Grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me."

I once was lost but know I am found.

Was blind but now I see.."

Anita~