A bowl of Suck: Forgivness

Yesterday was my birthday. Yesterday was my long run. Yesterday was a big bowl of SUCK.

Quite possibly the worst birthday in years.
I share a lot with you. But the details are so bad I think it would be better not to disclose them.

I had 22 miles to run. I decided I would run until my legs fell off. Then I would crawl. Then I would die. It was a perfect plan.

My first 5 miles, I cried so hard I had to stop because I couldn't even breath. My eyes were swollen and my make-up was smeared across my face.
I HATE CRYING. I feel like I should be able to control myself. I don't like being out of control.
I ran with my head down to avoid any eye contact with the locals. I didn't want anyone to see me in my pathetic state.

I was meeting Lacey to run. I told her I needed a few miles to recover before I ran with her. She calmed me down and kept me from running in front of any cars.

22 miles shockingly got misjudged and turned into 23 miles. 23 miles on my 42nd birthday. It literally took that many miles, good counsel and company to settle me down.
My tear stained cheeks dried up. I was able to dig myself out of a black pit.  I could think clearly, calmly.
I felt forgiveness.
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My Goofy Challenge is coming up in less then 3 weeks. With a sore body I knew I still needed to get some miles in today.
I wanted to run first thing in the morning, However, 35' degrees and rain just made me snuggle deeper into the cotton sheets.

I was supposed to run with Lacey again, I knew she wasn't going to make it.
The rain paused between 3-5 this afternoon. I gave Claudia a call to see if she wanted to join me. I miss running with her. She showed up a little after 3 and together we had a great 6 miler.

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FORGIVENESS: Holding a grudge hurts you more than the person your upset with. It is the worst feeling living with angst and bitterness. I have NO ROOM for that. I have enough of my own demons that I battle with, I don't like to battle with bitterness and anger.
I have had some disgusting and hurtful things intentionally done to me. Seriously, things done that I don't speak of. Things that make my skin crawl, my stomach turn and vomit rise. I have let it all go. I have done things myself that make me even sick to my stomach. I have hurt myself and I have hurt others. You have to let go of the bondage that holds you in the UGLY PLACE.
Most of my forgiveness NEVER came with an apology. NEVER came with even acknowledgment.  And often they point the finger at YOU.
It's OK.
FORGIVENESS isn't a gift to them. It is a GIFT to YOU.

ANITA~