Life is funny. The older I get, the better I am with dealing chaos. Maybe I quit caring so much, maybe I realized that its "Not the end of the world" or maybe I just quit taking the blame for other people bad behavior.
Whatever the case, when I feel backed in the corner of chaos I may get stumped up for a little bit, confused on how the path of life directed me to this point but I usually find a way through.
This is what happened this morning on my trail run with Claudia. We went out for a very simple 9 mile run but some how turned it into over 13 miles.
The leaves left the trails very unfamiliar to me. Often times I could hardly see the path in front of us. At one point the path looked like it ended. At this point we were out of water, lost, confused, tired and not thinking clearly. The path was saturated in leaves, in front of us a wall that looked like the path ended at its base. We both stopped, bewildered on where the trail went. We looked all around with a big question mark above our heads.
Before we panicked, we realized that we had to run OVER THE wall of leaves, they were actually logs that had been covered. When we looked OUT of our direct focus we could see where the path picked up!
I could have stopped right there had I had a computer to type out my major "AH HA" moment.
So many times growing up in a very alcoholic home, I thought everything was the end of the world. Granted, I was just a young girl who was dependent on others, so I thought. I would worry "What if my mom really did throw my stuff out on the front porch like she said she was going to do?" What if I came home and she really did overdose?" "What are we going to do if the electricity got shut off." My stomach would be in knots. That 20 minute bus ride home my stomach was turned inside out. I wanted to throw up. I would pray all the way home after getting dropped off in the trailer park.
For years, this was life.
Like a light bulb finally went on, "JUST MOVE OUT."
It was like I finally saw that my path hadn't ended, I just had to look a little farther outside of my focal point. I had to change my perspective, change my paradigm of thinking.
Up until that point, I NEVER thought moving out was an option. I thought I needed to take care of my mother. Keep her safe, take care of my little sister, make sure the bills were paid and protect my mom from herself and others. I believed I was a terrible daughter like she said and that I had to take care of her so she would see that I loved her and wasn't that bad.
On the trails today I saw this scene like divine intervention. I thought of some of the circumstances that have circled me as of late. I had peace instantly knowing that the path doesn't end when the route looks deceiving and even bitter.
I used to get so wrapped up in the drama of believing what people said about me. It was a major obstacle in my life. I had made so many mistakes that I felt I had to take the abuse. I just wanted people to love me. I would compromise my thoughts, my ideas and myself to try to please those around me. It would always work...for a little bit. But the obstacles comes back on your path even bigger if you don't choose a different route.
What obstacle in your life have you feeling like you are at a dead end?
Sometimes you have to choose a different route that is going to be painful, it is out of your comfort zone, or unfamiliar territory, Have COURAGE my friend.
Anita
No comments:
Post a Comment