Laying next to Andy with his back to me I ask "Yeah, what is that?"
I was not prepared for his soft answer.
It was almost a whisper, mumbled, it instantly tore my heart wide open.
"I see Ariel, she is sitting on a chair, it is summer, she is combing her hair..."
He gurgles, and stutters.
Even lower, I can barley make out his words..."This is why...
Holding my tears from bursting I swallow hard and reply.
"Andy, don't you think of her.."
"No, this is why." he rolled tighter in a ball, inverted, hidden into himself.
There was nothing left to keep my emotions chained down.
I rolled over, crawled inside myself and wept silently. It hurt. "GOD, life isn't any better. Things haven't moved forward. The deep hole hasn't filled in. God, help me. I miss her so bad. I am so incomplete with out her. I type these words and am overcome. My throat is closing up. My cheeks are flooded.
In the shadow lands I grieve, It hurts everyday. Every moment. Secluded. Alone in my sadness.
Andy lays next to me and even grieves alone, afraid to feel the power of loss. Afraid to feel the pain.
Because it HURTS SO DAMN bad, so bad.
Back to Back long runs. OUCH.
I woke up and my legs were still in working order. "YES!
I was supposed to meet Claudia for our run. It was raining off and on. So much so that I cancelled, afraid that I was not going to get my full 14 miles in.
I couldn't afford to not get this long run in. The whole thing.
I headed to Genesys, the athletic club I am a member of. I should have froze my membership but on a day like this, it was worth every penny lost.
THE PLAN: 5 miles on the track, 5 miles on the TM, then follow it up with 5 back on the track.
It didn't go that way.
I found myself making secret running partners with everyone. But one by one they kept chipping off. I was trying to maintain a 9/m. My body was sore, but I felt good. I thought I would be walking after that 28 miler yesterday.
I was running SOME of my miles in the 8's. I just couldn't figure out how my body was doing it. I thought I would be crawling, crying and complaining. especially over 50 times around the stuffy hot track.
"See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise redeeming the time, because the days are evil." Ephesians 5:15-16
This was my morning scripture. Today, I was reminded how little time we really have. How valuable it is. Even in my running. I had to be wise in the way I arranged my runs knowing that the weather had potential to hijack my miles.
Its about being flexible and having a good attitude to accept change. You have to be an overcomer. Overcoming your thoughts that want to hold you back. Stay focused. Keep your head up and remember you can't get time back. Use it wisely.
Anita
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