Honoring Ariel in her Death

I remember growing up as a child my mother always said something to me that still daunts me to this day. "ANITA, your father is looking down on you."

Almost 30 years older and a little bit wiser I can understand her tactics with this statement. I knew she wanted to instill conviction and guilt . My mom knew I loved my dad more than anything. She knew I missed him more that anyone. She knew I wanted him to be proud of me. A daughter always seeks her fathers approval, even if he has left this earth. At least this one did.

That seed planted a wild tree. A tree that would grow seeking not only my deceased fathers approval by everyone elses' as well.

I know my father can not see me from heaven. And to be really honest, I am not even sure my father made it there.

And for my mother. That is yet another daunting thought. I can not even say my beautiful mother is dancing in Heaven.

I will tell you this. Whether they can see me or not. I still carry them with me. I still try to honor their name.

In just a few days, it will mark the 2 year anniversary of my Ariel's death. I have to clarify that she was my NIECE. I have to clarify that because there are people that come in here and read my heart and read MY blog only to be offended. They have taken  my words, my thoughts, my heart, my prayers, my memories, my truths and have said terrible and awful things to me.
Death can bring out the ugly in people. I have taken the verbal abuse for 2 years with this thought:
How can I HONOR my beautiful niece in my response.

Just turn my other cheek.
Forgive when I wasn't even asked.
Cry out begging for God to protect my heart.
Isolate
Try not to hate

Remember my Foes are many..

LORD, how many are my foes!
How many rise up against me!
Many are saying of me,
“God will not deliver him.”

But you, LORD, are a shield around me,
my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
I call out to the LORD,
and he answers me from his holy mountain.  – Psalm 3:1-4

But ALL the time I remind myself who I WAS TO HER.
I Remind myself Who SHE was to ME.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her so bad. My world is 100% different. I don't have her calling me asking me for things. Advice, ideas, scripture, support, love...I don't have her texting me things. Funny quirky girl things. I don't have her stopping over. I don't have those deep conversations anymore. I rarely go shopping anymore. I have no one to shop with. I would buy her whatever she wanted. I cant even go to Somerset Mall without wanting to leave because she is not next to me.

I love my boys.
But she was the daughter I never had. She made my world so beautiful. Don't misunderstand me. I am very thankful for my boys. I live a blessed life. But it is like a garden. It is full of foliage and greenery.. My garden grows with beauty. It is lush and flowering. But there is a magnificent flowering plant that made my gardens splendor, that just isn't there any longer. And Nothing will EVER grow in that Place.

I never had so much empty space.
I try not to even think about it because when I open that door I can not close it. That room hurts. I go to the door daily but I don't open it.  It is one of my favorite rooms to look into, it is also one of the hardest rooms to come out of. I want to crawl into it. I want to escape into it. Hide in her memories. Caress her hair. Bury myself in her big brown eyes. I want to feel the love she gave me, I want to wrap myself in her love, curled up in her world....

So I run...And I run..

People ask how come I have I been so injured the last year. Because when I couldn't breath. When I couldn't think. When the stab of death bites you so deeply you do what you know how to do. And for me that was RUN.

The last 2 years, I ran my self into the ground. I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't change a mile. Every mile I needed 2.
I had to run down the hurt of her and the hurt of others.

People in their pain can't help but hurt you. They are hurting so bad that just want you to hurt like they are hurting.
I know this. Most of the time I can brush this off. I can even forgive them and pray for them.
Hurting people Hurt People.

You have to come out of their words, their actions. You have to remind yourself WHO you are.
We do not have to define our self to anyone.
We do not have to accept someone's opinion of us.
We do not have to entertain their actions.

As a child so many actions of mine filtered through "What would my dad think of me?"
As a young adult so many actions sifted through "What would my mom think of me"
I failed them so many times.
I failed them, I failed myself and I failed God.

Today, I think "How would God want me to behave, respond, react." And I fail him still.

With the anniversary of Ariel coming up ever so close I think.."Anita, what would Ariel want you to do?"
"How can you Honor Ariel in your grief the next few days."
"Have you honored Ariel? Would she be proud of your actions over the last 2 years? If she was looking down on you would she say, 'Yup, That's my Aunt Nita' with a smile"

I will never know.
But I will continue in my life to honor her as her Aunt Nita.

Anita