The Dreadful Treadmill Cry.



 

My divine appointment with Mr.Treadmill.

We have really bonded our relationship this winter.

I hate to share my distaste for him because I need him so bad. I am quite dependent on him, after all he never lets me down. Regardless, I will have no guilt come a little bit of warm, dry weather. Then I will trade him in for fresh air and green grass. That is just something he can not offer me.

 

Today, He was more than a coach for me. My heart was very weighty this morning.

 

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the

afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. Psalms

 

I have not blogged much about my grief of losing my Ariel. I try to swallow down the tears. I try to stay strong and deny my sadness. Over the last year and a half from losing Ariel there has been much pain added unto my grief from her loss.

 Unnecessary pain. "Hurting People Hurt People." In the process of just trying to "pull it together" I have had to learn to deny my heartache.

I don't talk much about it. I cry alone. I bury it deep. I isolate.

I have not blogged a lot of my heartache because some of my words written have been used against me. I don't get angry over other peoples hurtfulness towards me anymore.  It just adds more hurt to me. I hurt for those that are confused in their pain of losing Ariel and not knowing how to deal with it. I don't understand people that intentionally hurt others. Even growing up in it I still never figured it out. I guess I just make a good punching bag.

Ariel loved me and no one can take that away.

I miss Her love so terribly bad.

As I paced myself through my first mile, I felt the thick lump in my throat. My skin began to get hot. I could feel myself losing my breath. I calmly tried to swallow my emotions down. It was too late. In front of me, one of the TV screens showed this beautiful brunette little girl. She was about 7 years old with her Easter bonnet on. Her head was tilted showing her long tendrils coming down her shoulders. Her big brown eyes glowed with joy. She knew she was beautiful. And she was. And she looked like Ariel. I couldn't catch my breath and my feet started to stumble. "OH, No God, Not here. Please, please."  I tried to reason with my heartache.

I could hardly breath, how could I reason. With both hands I wiped my eyes hoping no one could tell I was losing it.

"Get it together Anita." I yelled at myself. "Swallow it down." I scolded myself.

So I ran Harder. I had to make the physical pain out weigh the emotional pain.

And I ran and I ran and I ran away from it all.

 

RUNDOWN:

Distance: 10 miles

Pace:7:45

Time: 1:17

 

Anita