Alcoholism is NOT prejudice.
It turns beautiful into ugly. It robs children of mothers and fathers. He steals children from their parents. Alcohol turns peace into chaos. It destroys families and lives.
Alcohol took my mother and my father. They just flirted with the bottle until the bottle slowly moved in like a bad tenant.
My mother was Irish. Beautiful. Auburn hair and silky ivory skin. She was petite at 5'2 and 110 pounds. Her father was a proud Irish man who was tricked by the bottle and died before I was born. I have been told he was an incredible man; B.I. Murdock.
My mother was always looking for love. Being a child of an alcoholic herself she was always seeking. She looked for approval, she was like a child in so many ways. As a young girl she just wanted to be loved. She had 3 children from 3 different men. I am one of those children.
Growing up was hard knowing I was never enough for her. I could not bring her happiness. I could not make her put the bottle down.
Alcohol and drugs had a hold on my mother. She traded us in many times.
How can you Hate something so much and Love it all the same?
I remember coming home from school one day to my mother falling off the wagon (Relapsing for the hundredth time). We lived in a trailer at the time. As I walked into the house I could instantly tell something was not right. The house reeked of Pine Sol. Mom was locked in her bedroom at the back of the trailer. I walked towards the kitchen that was next to her room with my heart racing. I wanted everything I knew to be true ...a lie. I was scared to take each step closer to her bedroom. I needed to confirm my suspensions only I was scared of discovering the truth. The anger began to burn as I tried to open my mothers door only it was locked. She was in there hiding in her bottle. She came out swinging. Her words were toxic and full of venom. I responded just as volatile. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say to get her to see that I was good. That I should be ENOUGH to not drink. In absolute desperation I grabbed the bottle and began chugging. The warm beer tasted like vomit in my mouth. I had tears streaming down my eyes feeling so helpless and compromised. "If it is GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU THEN IT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!!" I screamed in defeat.
My mom sobbed as she reached for the bottle out of my mouth. She crumbled in front of me begging me to stop.
My mother was in bondage, She did not know how to get out from under it. But she knew it took away her pain all the while leaving more pain and destruction in her life. She did NOT want me to be in that bondage.
The one thing she knew was Alcoholism was PROGRESSIVE. It didn't rob you right away it just chipped away at you slowly. It slowly took your integrity, your passions, your bank accounts, your faith, your confidence, your friends, family and eventually Your Life.
I get many people question me about why I do not drink. WHAT GOOD comes out of it??
I have witnessed things that NO Child should ever see. I have lived things that No Child should ever have lived. There are things that I can not even talk about. There are memories that I have from growing up with alcoholism that I have NEVER spoke of to ANYONE they are so despicable.
21 years is a long time to live without a mother. Her life was robbed from her. I have not had a drink of alcohol in over 8 years. I have no desire. I get many who think I am self righteous...I dare them to walk in my shoes...They wouldn't last. I promise you. I barely did myself.
I will fight all of HELL for my boys. 1 drink for me is not worth the risk of losing a child to our family disease.
I had to make the final decision to have my mothers life support turned off on this day 21 years ago.
Over 6 weeks she lay lifeless in that bed. I would sit next to her begging her to open her eyes. I would convince myself she squeezed my hand but she had not. She was less than 100 lbs curled up in that bed. Her skin was yellow and cold to touch. She was breathing only she was absent from the world.
Alcoholism stole a mother from her children. It steals, robs and manipulates.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RUNDOWN:
Distance: 8 miles
Ran Outside..BRR.
I felt great, I thought of how I have honored my mother. I think she would be really proud of me.
Anita
You have definitely honored her Anita. you are strong and you are faithful and YOU ARE AMAZING!!!
ReplyDeleteLove you Danielle, We circle ourselves around people we admire in hopes that we will gather some of their positive qualities...I choose my friends wisely!!..:)
DeleteJanuary 1, 2014 my Dad will be gone 14 years. I like to think of myself as a survivor of his alcoholism. No one can understand what a child goes through, what a child sees, and how that child grows up into an adult still bearing the burdens of an alcoholic parent. I forgave my Dad when they handed me an urn full of his ashes, not another second of my life would be taken away from me for his alcoholism. I would be lying if I said that was true, because it is not. I am afraid to drink because what if I can't stop, I wonder if I could have had one more good argument with him that might have changed his mind, I wonder if I hid his bottles or refused to buy them for him would things have been different. It took me ten years to decide to have him buried in a beautiful cemetery with a head stone made of marble just like he would have wanted. I had finally accepted the fact that he was gone, accepted that he could never say sorry, that he would never see me as a Mother, or see his Grandchildren. It was the one of the saddest days for me, ten years later I said good bye to my Dad. My heart is sad for him, and for all that he has missed. I pray that he now looks down upon me, sober and proud of the person I have become and that I was strong enough to break the cycle of alcoholism that is traced back thru his entire family.
ReplyDeleteI unfortunately can relate to your sadness as a child, a run is a great way to honor your Mother, I am so sure she is proud of the person you have become.
Carri~A Running bee
Carri, thank you for sharing a little piece of you. It is funny how you can share just a little piece and yet it represented a whole lot. There is so much grief with addiction. We have so much loss. Loss of family, loss of dreams, loss of our future, loss of relationships..and it all hurts. we go through so many different emotions.
DeleteGetting through grief is so hard but the only way to do it is to DO IT. To feel it, to let it hurt and grow from it. It sounds like you have been very patient with yourself and your grieving has birthed the most powerful of all emotions; Forgiveness.
It took me many years to forgive my Uncle for the death of my mother. But I did. It was so freeing. I actually discovered compassion for him. He was in bondage to Alcohol. I knew it was not him rather the bottle.
God has a plan for us. He makes no mistakes. He see us different than we see ourselves. He can turn what was intended for evil into GOOD.
Praise God For your strength and commitment. I LOVE your story, When I read the part about you burying him I smiled. Not just for him but mostly for YOU. You let it go. You allowed it to make you a better person for it. Life will make you bitter or life will make you better. You Forgave him and then honored him in a beautiful burial. I wish so many people could read your story. It is a beautiful story Carri. I am so grateful that you took the time to share it with me.
Anita
That is so moving.. thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in a family that doesn't even believe in a glass of wine but I understand addiction, so I can imagine the impact it has on families, on people.
Your mother was so beautiful. I'm so sorry that her life took a turn down a road I'm sure if she could do it again, she'd change :(
Thank You Rebecca. I appreciate your words. I get a little nervous when I share my past. My husbands family were Baptist. They never touched alcohol. But as the kids have gotten older many of them have experienced and drink on a regular basis. It is funny how I grew up intwined around it watching it destroy my family and choose NOT to drink while my husbands family NEVER drank and now I watch them drink and see the hurt it causes.
DeleteSo many people live by the words "Its my choice and its not hurting anyone else." But it does. Everything we do has cause and effect. I learned this very young and very hard.
Thank you for your personal words. They are encouraging. Addiction breeds insecurity..and sharing my story puts me out there. The words of encouragement means more than you know.
Anita
"Its my choice and its not hurting anyone else." But it does. Everything we do has cause and effect. I learned this very young and very hard.
DeleteI too grew up never even having seen anyone drink anything harder than tea. We were taught that one drink would send you straight to hell.
Now-a-days, the church has gotten sophisticated, and has embraced moderation. And even though I realize there is nothing scriptural commanding us to abstain (only to avoid drunkenness) I still cannot touch alcohol for the very reason you expressed. It may never affect me - but how might alcohol affect my children? I've raised 6 children - 4 of them adults - and have been able to EXPECT them not to drink because I could honestly say I never had. Now, I know that as adults a couple of them have wine or champagne now and then - but as teenagers they never did.
Two years ago, while on a cruise, I had every intention of drinking alcohol for the first time. I couldn't for the first 3 days because of a medication I was finishing (an antibiotic). On the 4th day, at dinner, when I decided to take the plunge, I suddenly realized that in the past 4 days our tablemates - Catholics from Ireland - had never drank anything but water.
So, I straight up asked them why they weren't drinking. The Husband said, "I loved my dad dearly, but he was not a nice person when he drank. I decided from boyhood to never drink, and I never have."
The wife had given up alcohol when they got married.
And so it was that the Lord had apparently seated me with the ONLY non-drinking Catholics in Ireland!!!
I realized then that there could be nothing good that came from drinking - and the potential of something bad. I also realized that I would not be able to continue expecting my children at home to abstain if I didn't.
So, I am now trying to live a life where I don't judge other's for drinking, but refuse to do so myself. Sometimes I would LIKE to feel more like I "fit in" - but mostly, I'm happy that I have no horror stories like the one you and my friend from Ireland recounted!
A terrible tale, so beautifully written. Peace be with you. One Day at a Time.
ReplyDelete-Ken
I Love that you commented Ken. I would love to hear a little Piece of YOU~
DeleteAs you know Addiction affects SO many. It is funny over 200 people have read THIS post..And yet so many can relate and still are not able to respond. There is No shame. God can turn anything around for HIS Glory. As you know~
Anita
Both of my parents are alcoholics. My father abandoned me when I was 3. My mother became her definition of "sober" recently. A few beers every now and then is no big deal she says. I grew up watching so much violence, being on the receiving end of it too. Watched drugs and alcohol take away everything I deserved. A home, nice clothes, food, love and affection. Now shes "sober" & only smokes marijuana "not a real drug, its a plant" Im expecfed to pretend the past doesnt exist. I have 2 children who will NEVER go through any of that and I keep them distanced from her. She thinks I forgave her, but I havent and don't know if I ever will.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
DeleteIt sounds like we have a very similar story. My mom would convince herself that she really wasn't an addict and could have a couple beers..but it was always a matter of time. Funny how they try to make sense from senselessness all the time trying to convince us as well.
I am so sorry.
Forgiveness is a journey. The thing that I have learned about forgivenss is that I was the one that hurt more from not being able to forgive. This did not mean that I forgot..Because out memory is a vital part of preventing ourselves from being suckered punched for the millionth time.
Forgiving my mother and my uncles for the abuse took a lot of time. I knew I had forgiven them when I no longer saw THEM for the hurt that they caused in my childhood rather ADDICTION. I saw them as being hijacked by drugs and alcohol, It was at that point that I was able to forgive them letting go of all expectations and compassion for them was birthed. I was then SO thankful that I CHOSE a different path. Let gratitude lead you. One day at a time.
Thank you for taking the time to share part of your story. My heart goes out to you.
That was a wonderful tribute to your mom, Anita. Alcohol really is a silent killer. One would consume it and seem to be fine at first, without knowing that it was slowly taking away important things and people in their lives. I hope your story helps people realize the damage and torment drinking can bring to a person and to their family. Thank you for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteDonnie Benson @ Midwest Institute