Vacant of Self.

WHY do we do what we do?

I could pay for my trip to New York if I had a dime for every person that wants to know "Why did you run 50 miles? or "Why would you want to run 50 miles?"

For over an entire summer of training I asked myself that. Every runner has a goal and each one is fueled differently.
For me it is chasing the next challenge.
For me it is being completely vacant of SELF.
To remove my emotions, my ego, pride and allow God to vacate the premises. To allow God to furnish my heart. I am so empty on a long run or a hard run that I want to quit. I want to cry, give up or give in. I am depleted of rational thinking. AND yet I have these visions, these dreams, these goals that I entertain.

Jeremiah 33:3 "Call unto me and seek me and I will shew you great and mighty things which thou knowest not."

So I call unto Him in my weakness. I call unto Him in my desperation, my pain, my agony. I need him to remind ME who I am NOT.

Running on empty is no different for me then running through life depleted. When I try to go through life doing things on my own I mess up almost every time. But when I DIE to self. Die to what I want or what FEELS good to me is when I honestly see God doing the work in me and my circumstances.

Running doesn't always feel good. The end result is often the best part of the entire process. Life collides in the same manner. If it FEELS to GOOD then you might question yourself or your intentions. The good stuff comes after the process. The process of hard work, heartache, discipline, commitment and so on...
It is like eating your vegetables before dessert. The veggies are the hardest to swallow but the prize comes at the end. We cant all live on cheesecake and starbursts (Unless your Amanda) but we can enjoy them as part of our diet.

I am still not running. For that matter I am just now walking without pain. It is so beautiful out and the most exercise I got today other that cleaning was picking raspberries at Spicers.  If you ever want therapy go RASPBERRY picking!
The sky was so blue that it looked like it went on forever. No clouds, no breeze just the buzzing of bees.
I did some self inventory over a recent issue. I took it  to the cross. I prayed over it. Gave it back to God and left it at the berry farm.
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Well that was written before my afternoon went to hell in a hand basket. I read a really good quote earlier it said:

" Go ahead and be ANGRY, but don't be CRUEL."

 

Everyone hurts differently but it is just sad that people hurt others deliberately in their pain. People get so caught up in their pain, they get offended angry and self righteous thinking they are wiser than Solomon. I have always loved this quote

 "Hurting people Hurt people."

There is no gauge for someone grief. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. You can not judge someone's heartache another unless you have walked in their shoes. And even then you shouldn't.

Well, You did it. To you that set out on a mission to hurt me..to you that thought it was fun and a games.

 I know your reading this. You Hurt me. Just like you wanted. Today was your big game. Today was like watching a bunch of kids around the school playground having one another's backs. Today I realized that those who say they love you don't always  . And that wolves really do wear sheep's clothing.

Grief is NOT a Game.

And I don't live in Drama Land.

You WIN. Game over. I Fold.

 

 

Anita