Ariel's passing put most everyone on their best behavior. And the bad behavior was completly justified because of the devasting circumstances.
Tomorrow will be 5 weeks. And the emotions are shifting and the grace period for bad behavior in my eyes is coming to a close.
Everyone is hurting. EVERYONE. When I see someone hurt I want so badly to help them. If there is anything I am capable of doing I try to do it. But that is not how everyone operates.
The pain of loosing Ariel will never go away. Ariel was like my daughter. I have read it in her words and I have read notes I have given her that have described her as a daughter in my words.
She knew I loved her like my daughter. And she loved that. She loved knowing I would do anything for her. And whatever she asked for I always tried to get for her or I gave her.
She Loved me back.
She knew I Loved Her.
She Loved me.
She Loved me
She Loved me.
That is the most incredible feeling in the world.
But right now it is the most Painful feeling because she is gone. This most amazing girl who loved me for all my imperfections is gone. She was my number one fan and I was hers. And she is gone.
The girl that text me all the time and called me with life questions is gone. My shopping buddy, my lunch buddy, my inspiration is gone.
And it hurts.
And to make the pain even worse people have to secretly give me things because "You probably won't get it."
How can you have someone for almost complete summers, for entire holiday vacations, be their youth leader in church for years, take them to school throughout the week and all weekend long and not even be allowed to be part of their death?????
Her death hurts so very bad and this is making it even worse.
Closure means different things to different people.
ANDY for instance can't hardly look at her pictures and totally does not understand why I cry all the time. Or why I want anything of hers because he says "Why would you torture yourself like that?"
MOM her closure is trying to get in Ariels head all the time. Trying to figure out what was on her mind in each picture and each card or with each verse underlined in her bible. Mom can't look at Ariels' boxes all stacked in her room where they were left 3 weeks ago without hurting "I can't look at that stuff knowing She is not ever going to have them or wear them again."
M.A.K.A. House ( Ariel's roommates and sorority sisters) are feeling completely abandoned. Left out. They had such a intimate relationship with Ariel for the last 2 years living with her and suddenly not only is she gone but so is all of her stuff. They were left with an empty room. They always congregated in Ariel's room and hung out on her bed. The "M.A.K. A. House" is so upset that that too will be gone. They grieve over the items that represented Ariel being taken away. The only comfort they have is sitting and crying on Ariels bed and they are tearfully grieving that soon to be loss too.
ME.. I am grieving the loss of the girl who described herself as "The closest thing to a daughter she has.." From the time she was 12 she really started gravitating towards me and my family. But she was doing more than that she was listening, she was watching, she was taking notes and growing closer to me. And I knew I was more than just a Aunt.
In my grief I want the last 9 years that I was soo close to her. Intimate like her sisters. I want to smell her, I want to feel her, I want to relive every memory and never never forget. I want little items that I was a part of with her because that was us. They have meaning, deep affectionate meaning. I could care less about her stuff but I don't think it is right that someone else is going to have something that has no intimate meaning to them like it would someone else. It makes no sense to me people taking things that had no meaning. But that is MY grief. I want to snuggle in her comforter the way we would when she would come over, I want to sit around and cry over the movie "Precious" on a lonely evening with her, I want to run my fingers through her hair over and over again like I used to and I want to say one last time " Hey, where's your lip gloss?" or I want her to ask me to put suntan oil on her back and feel her skin under my fingers one more time.....
My Grief is intimate. I want to feel the tears down my cheeks, I want my heart to ache with Love, the love I HAD FOR HER and the LOVE she GAVE ME.
I want to beg for a breath to remind me of the words I gave her.
I want to hurt and know that my hurt is LOVE, Is Intimacy, Is Remarkable and Memorable.
The Love and Memories I have are fulfilling...The hurt is welcomed and endured.
I am grateful for every tear because it represents Her love for me and mine for her.
What do U think? How do U Grieve?
Anita
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