Memoirs of Addiction. Love

 Psalm 51:6
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

 

I walked to my car in the dark. Tuesday nights are Recovery nights at our church. I lead a group called "Families United by Faith". It is a group for family members who have a loved one who struggles with addiction. 
I can feel the hurts of those in the meeting bearing on me. When they cry I feel their tears, I feel their fears, their loss, their grief. I am so burdened for them.

As a small child I wanted so bad for my mom to hold me. To love me. To touch me. To put me before the bottle and before the pills.  
I acted out and that did not work. I acted however I thought she wanted me to and that did not work. I became quite the performer. I was always trying to get her attention. I was the "Show off". I was the "Center of Attention". 
I brought home good grades, Good achievements, good remarks. I cleaned , I cooked, I did the bills, I just wanted HER to notice. To notice me soberly.
I didn't want her attention drunk or high. I wanted her to put the bottle down and love me. 
I wanted to be more than the beer and the pills and the pot.
I wanted to come first.
I wanted her to love me MORE than those.
I wanted to come FIRST not last. 

I discovered something about myself today. I am still that performer. Crazy 20 years later and still love attention. I can hear Andy say "Anita why do you like to be the center of attention?"
I never knew why until today. 
I still just want people to love me. I want people to accept me. This is part of my codependency. I am much better than I was but I have lots of room to grow.
It all hit me tonight like a ton of bricks.
I am not sure how to process this all. I am who I am. But now I know why just a little bit more. 

Anita