Letting People Rent space in your head.

What do I do when I am upset...I write. I have done this for years. I have kept journals since I was 15 years old. It has always been my way of venting. I find it very therapeutic.
Family. We all have one.
I have always described my family as "The Adams Family." and My Husbands Family as "The Waltons"
On the outside looking in my family was clearly riding a bus labeled "Dysfunction Junction".
My husbands family always seem to have it together. I love them ..But Family is family. There is NO perfect family. Most families have drama..it is how we cope with it that makes us.

I do not have much family left. Very sad to say I really have no one left that keep in contact in Michigan. My brother and sister both live in Florida.
I have been with my husbands family since I was 15. I love them.
I have always wanted to be close to them.
But the reality is I am not liked so much. I think I am loved...I want to think that. But I am an extrovert and that can drive people nuts. I am also very close to my husbands Mom and Dad and that has called controversy for the last 16 years.But those of us that are parents know that Parents Have Unlimited Love.

Jealousy... is a mental cancer.  ~B.C. Forbes

We have had to set up some boundaries as of the last few years. Boundaries do not mean you do not love someone-they mean that you love them but you have to protect yourself. You lovingly detach. Not from them but from the chaos that surrounds them.
 I hate chaos. I grew up with knots in my stomach and constant panic attacks. I cried almost every tear duct dry till I was sick in the bathroom. It sucks. All I ever wanted was to be loved. And unfortunately as a ACOA-(Adult child of an alcoholic I still carry this character defect.

Well in this family if you set up boundaries you may be considered judgmental and self righteous ... Hmm .How do I know that....GUESS! I am not perfect.

"My righteousness is of filthy rags" 

I am FAR from perfect. 

But today was the icing on the cake.  I found out that a family member not only De-friend-ed us from Facebook..they also hid themselves so we could never find them. That takes conscious effort.
It is renting a bit of space in my head. I hate that it hurts.
It is not that I care what they put on Facebook I am not even on that much. But this gestures defines to me.."I want nothing to do with you."
 I mean I already knew this, I have emails and messages that have been none to kind.
I am just amazed at the anger and bitterness of people.

"Hurting people Hurt People"

I have never went to a counselor before and I actually went to our pastor for counseling to make sure I was not in the wrong by setting up boundaries. Don't get me wrong..I am not Perfect and the Pastor checked me for some of my actions but also said it was still loving to set up boundaries. 
"Don't get in the Sand Box Anita" That was the advice I received.

Why does this bother me? Why does it hurt? This person during functions acts like everything is good, pushed all under the rug...
ELEPHANT in the ROOM..
I know they despise me...I have always been the conversational piece with them.

What do you do when someone has hurt you and said lies about you for so long and make YOU out to be so bad?
Why Do I let it bother me?
Why does it hurt?
Why are people so manipulative and hurtful?
WHY DO I STINKING CARE???
I even continue to pray for them...And not that a Flock of birds would  fly by with the Hershey Squirts!
I Think I am more mad at myself that I can not control my emotions.
I need to run but I am too stinking sore..

We all are on a journey..We have our own paths to travel. I have to seek God to check my heart. Even as I write this I am checking it.

Friends are God's apology for relations.  ~Hugh Kingsmill

As I started writing this "Danielle" text me. She signed up to race with me this Sunday. I am reminded that I can not pick my family but God had encircled me with friends that are so incredible. I can Be Anita. I can be crazy, absentminded, wordy, confused, opinionated, airheaded, quick tempered and they still love me.

 I can be me. 

All imperfect ME. 

And they still accept me.  

God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Dear Lord. Please give me peace and security. Remove this hurt and confusion from me. I pray you strengthen me to pick myself up and do my own personal inventory.  I pray for this person and how bitter they are. I have been so blessed. Thank you for supplying me with a awesome Husband and Family. Forgive me for my sins. Create in me a clean heart.

Anita