Baggage.

This past week I was in a bit of a slumber. I had big plans. I was on top of my game. I was excited about some of the changes I was going to make in my training.
It went to hell in a handbasket.

I let things rent space in my head that didn't belong there.

One of the problems with being an ACAO (adult child of an alcoholic) is all the insecurity/ people pleasing baggage I carry.

I loose sleep, I suffer from horrible dialogue in my head.
I will bury myself to unbury someone else. Someone who doesn't give to nickels for me.
I have done it for years.

As a child, I thought love was my mother quitting drinking for me. I did EVERYTHING I could think to do for her to quit drinking. I got good grades, I tried to play sports, I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I never got in trouble, which was pretty good for living in the trailer park I lived in. I could get in trouble any day of the week. But I didn't. I hardly even swore. I went to church 3 times a week. I begged her to love me.
But she couldn't quit drinking, pill popping, or pot smoking.
"MOM, if you LOVE me you would just stop, Please STOP, please..."
She just couldn't stop. It had a hold on her.
BUT...she did LOVE me. She loved all of us kids. SHE just had so many demons, she hurt more than I had any clue.

Today, I still try so hard.
Andy always teases me. He tries to help me learn to let things go.
And I will for a little bit...but then slowly, painfully, words, dialogue, conversations, images resurface. Its so distorted. Like a wolf in sheeps clothing. The thoughts seem innocent but then they circulate over and over. Hurtful reminders of another failure I am.
Lies. Daunting hurtfulness.
Restless nights.
Hindered thoughts.

My slumber, a week of 4 hours of sleep, cloudy days. gloomy spirits and a black hole of misdirection.
And a grand total of, drum role please...33 miles for the week.

Sunday was my day of redemption. A solo run, beaten up by the wind. I had the negativity knocked out of me.
Each mile, I reminded myself of who I AM.
What I have Conquered.
The Hell I fought through to get where I am today.
The Odds I beat.

It was time to let the voices go. I know WHO I AM. And I know the path I have journeyed. 

"Let him who would move the world first move himself." Socrates

The sun warmed my skin, the road was my best friend welcoming me with open arms.
It was time to move on.
Time to let things GO, for now.

18 backroad miles with Lacey today. We picked up our miles by 2, last week 16, this week 18. So we added 10 second intervals at the top of each mile to keep our pace down and keep ourselves out of injury.
It was such a BEAUTIFUL day. I love listening to Lacey. She just chats away breathlessly. I just tag behind her, beside her and occasionally in front of her.
We laugh at our overshot miles and together hope our brains will work to get us home without too much damage.
Not to bad, 19 miles instead of 18. A few new turns, a couple different roads and always a great adventure!


Anita

A Change in Plans

"Second chances are only for those who are not afraid to try again."

I started my morning thinking I was running solo. I would go to church, enjoy breakfast with my family then come home and run 14 miles outside.

Things changed.
Things changed in so many ways.

At mile 9, I was looking up at another looming hill.
My last hill. I just left Lacey. I was still smiling from our unplanned run. We ran a good pace, we had good conversation and dear Lord, we ran a lot of hills.

Here I was heading into my finish, 11 miles sounded like a good number to run for the day.

I looked at my watch, checked my pace and reminded myself, if this is the hardest thing I do all day I better do it RIGHT.
I just needed to maintain my pace coming up that hill. I fixed my eyes at the top, took my infamous heavy breath and little whimper before I dug in my heals.
"All the way up"
I thought of how easy it would be to slow down. How easy it would be to keep whining, make excuses or sell myself short.
All those thoughts did was make me run stronger.

My stomach tightened as I reached the top. I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest. I gasped for breath begging my body to relax and coaxing my legs to keep going strong the half a mile home.
I counted, 1, 2, 3, 4, 10, 20, 30...seconds waiting patiently for my body to calm down.
I glanced at my watch, I did it. I maintained my pace.
I DID IT.
I knew I could do it.
I just had to do it.

With my change in plans...I am going to have to do this a whole LOT more.

My weekly Rundown:

MONDAY
Distance: 16 miles
Where: Indian Springs
Pace: 9:45 min/mi

WEDNESDAY
Distance: 8 miles
Where: GAC
Misc: Met Jeff @ the gym. 7 miles on the TM @ 8:15min/mi then 1 mile walk on the track. Abs

THURSDAY
Distance: 10 miles
Where: met at Seven Lakes, ran backroads
Misc: We had a group run filled with snow ball fights, ridiculous miles, goofy jokes and a lot of mud slinging. We somehow ended up with a 10:45min/mi pace. I have no idea how with all the silliness we rocked out. It was a good fun run that I think we all enjoyed.

SUNDAY
Distance: 11 miles
Where: Backroads
Pace: 9:08 min/mi
Misc: Lacey reaffirmed my new change in my training. Today, I made the official decision.

GET MY HEAD IN THE GAME. The game CHANGER. 
I have gone back and forth on this for a couple weeks. Then Andy got a phone call to go to Africa, sealing the deal.
This little phone call made my decision for me with out any hesitation.
I am NOT going to run Three Sisters in April.
Without tears or grief I was surprised at how easy it was for me to let this 50 miler in Tennessee go.

As it was, I was struggling to get my miles up.
The timing of this race was a crap shoot. I really wanted to run a spring marathon and try to qualify for Boston but Three Sisters nestled in the best time frame for a spring marathon.
I looked for spring Marathons from Michigan to Indiana to Illinois back to Ohio and kept lucking out because of Three Sisters.
So I decided to scratch it and run GLASS CITY.
I am going to try AGAIN to qualify for Boston. God Help me. Last year, I didn't qualify in the BEST conditions EVER.
But this year I am given 10 extra minutes.
Time to get my HEAD IN THE GAME. I am just not a natural quitter.

As I came to the end of my 11 mile run, I heard the beep beep beep of my Garmin and chuckled at my last mile. 8:35min/mi.
Time to get serious. Time to adjust my training. Time to invite pain and suffering back to the table.
Time to let go of the fear of failing again.
Deep Breath.

My Serious Side!

ANITA

Febuarys Miserable Miles

I haven't seen the sun in 4 days.
I have seen enough snow that I think Michigan would need an arc if it melted.
My skin is pale and itchy, begging to be set free from layers and layers of tight itchy clothing.
And my running clothes are beginning to enjoy the sweaty outdoorsy smell not wanting to embrace my fabric softner. I am going to be throwing a lot of clothes away if I cant get the funk out of them.

The "Its so pretty" has worn off.
The "It's good training" is nothing but lies.
The "Smile" is blasphemy.

I AM over it.
My miles are down and my attitude sucks.

Monday: 
Where: Seven Lakes/backroads
Misc. Nice shake out after our race. 
Distance: 7 miles. 

Wednesday: 
Where: GAC
Distance: 5 miles
Misc: Mile repeats with a lap recovery shuffle jog. 

Thursday: 
Where: Holdridge- West Loop w/ Technical loop and Lake loop add on. 
Distance: 9 miles

Sunday: 
Where: GAC/ Track 
Distance: 8 miles run, 1 mile walk. 9 miles 

WEEKLY MILES: 30 miles

TODAYS RUNDOWN: 
I live on backroads. They have not been plowed or cleared. Running outside was not an option for me. I work very hard for my membership at GAC. I needed a solid run.
I brought Lacey with me.

I have had a couple things on my radar that have potential to changing my running schedule.

Todays run was more about Lacey than me.
I am blessed to have a good running partner. Lacey and I over the last few years have alternated running injuries. We have both taken care of each other and adjusted our training to support one another.
Todays run was one of those. It was a great reminder of how many times we have never bailed on one another in times of injury. Whether we had to take off the running shoes for bike tires or we added walk breaks more often. Sometimes we had to slow our pace down or even cut our miles short. But we have always had each others back.
We laughed as we ran around the track discussing the many races we have ran. Some I beat her, but currently she beats me mostly. We may run 10% of a marathon or a race together or we may run 80% of a race together but no matter what we always encourage each other to finish it strong.
We are not competitive with one another in a malicious way.
The key to a good running partner is LOVE. You have to truly want the best for them. If it means sometimes altering your training for their greater good then that is what happens. Because the reality is "What goes around comes around."

Many many times, Lacey has been there through IT band issues, Piriformis issues or me being irresponsible with my nutrition and I love to be there for her when she needs me. You are more likely to be successful with support and encouragement then being alone. So pick your tribe well.
And if you feel like you do not have great support maybe look inward.

Anita~

Snow Moon Run 25K race recap

After working all day Friday and Saturday, I was hoping my legs and feet would forgive me for Saturday evenings 25k race in Midland.

I had everything waiting for me when I got home from work. It was not possible to speed down I75 when Mother nature decided to follow through with her plan of snow dumping. 

With only 10 minutes, I changed, brushed my teeth and threw MORE stuff in my 3 bags. I had enough gear for a weekend of running. Claudia and Matt arrived to pick me up and I was still scrambling around the house. 

We still had to pick up Rachel and head to Kris's house to meet the rest of Team Squishy Toes, (our unofficial name we gave ourselves as a joke).

We all hopped in Kris's 15 passenger van with gratitude to her and her husband for driving us all to Midland, especially in really bad weather conditions.

We arrived about an hour early. This gave us time to relax, get our bibs, and get layered and lighted up. 

With a little light left, I was still able to spot a sweet acquaintance of mine, Dale D. I was already hyped, seeing her bright smile nudged more into outrageous Anita mode. 

After gathering our bibs, I located another runner friend of mine, Jeanette B. 

The problem with being a extrovert is you can not stay focused with so many distractions. I was like the Tasmanian Devil spinning from one thing to the next. Laughing, jumping around, hollering at strangers "MARCO" and just having a good time.

Play time came to an end at 7pm when we all lined up.

RECAP:

I started out with Claudia down the wide path through tall pine trees. The sky was red and eerie, sharing enough light that made me wish I could see my surroundings better. 

I would be running 15.5 miles-ish. They would be accounted for in 5-5k loops. 

Claudia and I ran side by side, having fun and maintaining a even pace. 

The aid stations were a riot. Everytime I went through them they kept trying to get me to drink a shot of Fireball. I would yell "NOOO WATER" and they would yell back, "FIREBALL?!" 

I don't drink but I think by the party like behavior we showed everytime we saw them they thought I did. 

The volunteers were all stoked and made it fun to see them each time. I looked forward to seeing them to help break up my miles. 

The path was NOT technical at all. It was relatively flat. It was wide, mostly smooth with only one rooty area. However, there was one section that was solid ice. My Katoolas sounded like tap shoes landing as I tried to get some grip. 

They had the course marked very well. The volunteers were alert keeping a close eye on us so we didn't take a wrong turn...Hmm, I wonder who may have almost done that....

Because it was a 5k loop race I would go through the finishing area 5 times. The announcer was awesome. You could hear the him about a quarter mile away. Hearing the cheers and the announcer got my adrenaline going each loop as I came through. I would head into the tent handing out high fives and yelling "MARCO".  All 5 TIMES he announced "ANITA HARLESS...." 

Its the little things that get you going and keep you going. 

The first 3 loops I ran steady but not hard core. I lollygagged through the aid stations and I hung with my friends. 

I realized that everyone was running their own race and decided that I should do the same. I was getting cold and fatigued and was ready to focus on finishing. 

I didn't pick up my pace rather I maintained my pace. This was enough effort for me. My back was hurting, a pain that I am not familiar with. 

I slowly started passing runners. This surprised me because I didn't think I was going fast enough. What was happening was, all those runners that went out too fast were pooping out and dropping their pace. 

I was actually kicking myself for not being a little more serious the first 3 loops. But I was having fun, and it was supposed to be a fun run. 

I heard the cheers in the darkness of the trail and got excited more to be warm than anything. My clothing was all soaked and I was beginning to tremble. 

It was fun coming through the finishing line and seeing my friends. 

The Race was well done and a lot of fun until it wasn't. The hardest part was the finish. My entire body was convulsing. I was shivering so bad that my back began to tighten up. It was horrible. I couldn't think, speak or  communicate.  I never looked up my time, heard them announce the awards, got a cupcake or got a cup of Starbucks coffee. 

RESULTS: 

LAP 1: 30:29

LAP 2: 30:35

LAP 3: 31:19

LAP 4: 30:46

FINISH: 30:03

TIME: 2:33:10

But it sure was fun. It was a great race but a rough ending. But then not everything has a happy ending...

The clothing was all very nice with not just a great design but also good fabric. 

Anita

This weekends New Adventure

"Adventure is worthwhile" Aesop

This weekend will be a first for me in a couple ways. 

It will be my first 25K.

It will be my first night trail race. 

"In any adventure like this, there are always uncertainties." Richard Branson

Snow Moon Trail Run

Where: Midlands City Forest Ski Trails
When: Saturday, Feb. 3rd 6:30pm
Distances:

• 5K walk, run, ruck
• 15Krun/ruck
• 25K run

Course: The race is composed of a 5k trail course. Midland’s City Forest on wide-track cross country ski trails and mountain bike trails.

Misc: 25K=15.53 miles

Temps: 25'

Last Saturday night,  we had a group run that met at Holdridge in Holly for a little practice run. We were actually spoiled with 40' degree weather..

It only took one 4 mile loop on the West loop to start layering up. The temperatures dropped dramatically. The cold air was a little more than brisk fresh winter air. 

A couple things I was REMINDED OF on that practice run:

1. Do not LAUGH and run. I fell 4 times and peed my pants twice. 
2. When speaking to people remember to turn off your headlamp or your friends will be blinded before they start. 
3. Don't forget you can not sneak up on your friends when you glow in the dark. Oops
4. Coyotes will not attack humans, but for some weird reason have been known to attack horses..Just keep running, that hackling is NOT puppies. 
5. Bring layers. 
6. Bring a thermos with hot coffee or whatever beverage you choose. 
7. Don't forget your headlamp has angles you can adjust it...
8. Bring EXTRA batteries for your headlamp and flashlight. 
9. If you are coming to a patch of ice, error on the safe side: WALK. 
10. Even if it is dark and cold...Have FUN, laugh, smile, and enjoy the adventure, but DON'T trip!

A few things to remember when running in the dark on snowy trails:

1. Katoolas, mico spikes or screws, a must, we are supposed to get snow.
2. Find your sweet spot on the trails when it comes to lighting. Sometimes it is difficult to see running with other peoples headlamps. Bringing a small Maglite may help if you struggle with multiple lighting. 
3. Take a minute to turn off your lighting and enjoy your surroundings. The sky and the stars are amazing. 
4. Don't be afraid to fall. If you run afraid you run tense. Relax and enjoy the ride. 

My Personal Preparations:

1. I purchased Noxgear. I might not be cool but at least I can look cool! 
2. I am wearing my Sealskinz. They will keep my feet both dry and warm.
3. MITTENS. Mittens over gloves to keep your hands warm
4. Hand warmers.
5. Fuzzy blanket to warm up with when I am finished.  

One of the things I did was able to do this week was to getting one solid trail run. This would give me an idea what the trails could be like. Monday the trails were very heavy with fresh snow. This provided great training and prep for this Saturday. 

Todays run was in total avoidance of trails. I didn't want to risk injury. I also needed a solid pace. 

Kensington Metropark was calling my name. I brought my miles down. I ran a steady pace, really enjoying my canvas and my company, me. 

I stopped to take pictures of the lake every couple miles. I laughed when I saw my pace. I felt great running but then of COURSE I did, I kept stopping to snap a picture. You can run a lot faster, stronger when you are stopping to take pictures. It wasn't a serious run and it made me feel like a rockstar running sub 9min/miles at Kensington, not a path for the faint at heart.

"I'm still a kid inside, and adventure is adventure wherever you find it."

Jim Dale

One of the reasons I wanted to run at Kensington is the farm animals. Its the little things that make me smile. Goats, chickens, roosters, geese and really stinky pigs. It was fun to embrace the day, how ever it decided to unravel itself. 

The adventure in it is not taking yourself too serious. Life has so much opportunity to be serious. Every once in a while it feels good to go in with a flexible plan and an open mind. 

Anita