Really Good at Stupid

 

Keep Moving, let's not get Stuck on Stupid cause that's CRAPPY!

I texted a friend of mine last week, "We do stupid well." 

It's the truth. If you followed in my footsteps, GOOD CHANCE you would want your money back. Sometimes my program works, and sometimes it doesn't and MOST of the time it doesn't make sense no matter which way you cut it. 

I find myself humbled, icing my shin and thanking God that He carried me through a peak week of training. 

EVERY RUN is a gift at this point. Finding the balance of stupidity and foolishness is a bit confusing.

 Clinging to "good training" has many different perspectives and opinions. 

As a woman of faith, an athlete for Christ my perimeters will never make sense to most. 

Saturday night The National Anthem played as I got ready to race a 25K in Midland after running 20 miles of hills that morning. 

I closed my eyes and prayed. The song faded away to just the silent whispers to the Lord. 

I prayed for protection as I navigated in the dark, to stay upright and steady. 

I prayed for perseverance after running 20 miles and that the Lord would protect me from injury and from myself. 

I DIDN'T pray for speed, or to place or to have a killer race in the eyes of others. 

The whole thing was STUPID!

But I knew I had to see what I could do with Treasure Coast Marathon THIS Sunday. 

My shins have been getting better, however, I am NOT running pavement or doing speedwork. 

20 miles Saturday morning. Let's not get "Stumped" on stupidity!

 
(Hills are speedwork in disguise.)

Backroads, trails and hills are all I can do. 

The Goal, to qualify for NYC. which in turn would have me also qualify for Boston. 

SNOWMOON 25K: 

I planned to run a 9:30min/mi. 

And I claimed that to many...and I truly believed my own words. 

It didn't feel STUPID when I crossed the starting mat and found myself a few yards behind Andy. 

I heard my watch beep...I cautiously looked...8:34min/mi. 

I stayed hidden in his shadows. 

Andy was running with 4 of our friends so when one of them noticed me, the cat was out of the bag. 

I told him I would try to stay with them as long as I could. 

I didn't have the energy to chat, I was trying really hard to feel if I was crossing over into a different degree of STUPIDITY....EGO and PRIDE. 

STUPIDITY is often perspective, but EGO and PRIDE is the hidden ugly that is battled in your own darkness. 

I made a vow to myself "stay behind" to keep the EGO man down. 

By the GRACE of God, I was able to stay with Andy. We finished together. The finish line wasn't what I was dreaming. It came with a nasty fall from Andy that left his body looking like a 6ft pretzel. I had romantic thoughts of glorious smiles and hand holding maybe even a cute little kiss at the end.  

Not even close. 

Our friends, Amanda and Shane were so sweet waiting for us with big smiles and holding out vacant high fives. It was a finish of suffering and STUPIDITY. 

My heartrate for the race. I was very pleased. 

ANDY actually KILLED it! We both PR-ed  Snowmoon, with the best conditions I ever remember. 

It would cap off my day of 35 miles, with me hitting the 25K at the pace I would need to maintain at Treasure Coast Sunday. 

TRAINING & STUPID

"Stupidity is a gift from God but one must not misuse it." Pope John Paul II

I have made so many stupid decisions in my running career that if it was a course I would get a A+! But the truth is I have learned a lot from them, often because the lesson was so painful. Sometimes it doesn't APPEAR stupid but when once the fog lifts your knee deep in stupidity. 

"Stupidity is a talent for misconception." Edgar Allen Poe 

It seemed like a brilliant idea until it wasn't.  I am usually chewing on this in the middle of an ultra. When my suffering is screaming at me, and I am rethinking my choices. A talent for sure when I find myself back in the saddle again!

"Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." 

EGO and PRIDE. These two are best friends that like to beat down humility. Ego will find a back door for anything stupid and make it shine. 

You become your own god. Unteachable and unreachable. You do things because you CAN not because it's actually beneficial. 

Last weekend, I planned on running a marathon to a 50K in the morning THEN the 25K that evening. But the more I thought about it the more I realized "WHY". Just because I COULD didn't mean I SHOULD. More is not always better regardless of what the commercial says. 

"It is a wise man who know where courage ends, and stupidity begins." 

AHH. This one is brilliant. Not much can be done under the spirit of fear, courage though can take you to places you can soar and places you can sink. 

Such a fine line. A line I am still learning. We all have a different breaking point, a different point of reference, a different point of pain and different tools to navigate through it all. 

And different isn't always wrong because it looks wrong to us. Courage is the same. It takes me more courage to line up to a 5K and race it then a 50K! 

RUNDOWN: 

"Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge but he who hates reproof is stupid." 

Proverbs 12:1

AM I teachable? I would like to think so. 

Feb 12-Feb 18= 

STEPDOWN week. SHINS

Miles: 44miles

Elevation: 2,166

The step down proved itself. I iced every day, some days 3 times, KT tape, Compression socks and prayer. 

Feb19-25

Don't get Stuck on Stupid

Miles: 74miles

Elevation: 4000ft. 

I stayed off pavement. trails and backroads. 

Saturday was a BIG run day. I went for a walk today, but very little running this week.  

SUNDAY is Treasure Coast Marathon. It is on pavement. I could really use some prayers! 

In Peace, Not Pieces,

Anita

A Thorn in my Side

"Stay steadfast in your hopes and dreams, but flexible in how you reach them." Collier Lawrence

 I have been embracing my love, TRAILS this past week. Truth is, I have been struggling with a minor injury for months, pavement pounding is my nemesis. A Thorn in My SIDE.

My training is a cluster due to races both on pavement and trails. I have come up into embracing the weather and hitting the trails rather than road running for my 100k in March. 

Kettle Moraine

100 miles in JUNE is the "A" race. All races in between are training runs that will help me build milage and confidence. 

Kettle Moraine is going to be tough with over 8000 ft of elevation on trails in Wisconsin. 

THE TRAINING thus far: My injury has me dropping my miles and only running 4 days a week. I have been doing extra drills for my shins, icing, KT tape and compression socks.  

I added myself to my prayer list and have been taking extra time in conversation with the Lord. 

The Lord giveth and The Lord taketh. 

Every mile is a gift from HIM. I ask him to direct my paths, and I trust Him with great affection knowing He knows the plans for me. 

I am running a marathon in Florida the beginning of March with the aim of trying to qualify for NYC Marathon, 3:51 is the time I would need..God willing. 

Andy asked me when I was going to do speed work. 

NOT going to happen!!

 I cringe at the idea of suffering around a track in agony as my shins are in anguish. 

SO..This week I bought some new shoes and did speed work on the trails. 

RUNDOWN:

"A THORN in my SIDE"

Last week, I ran multiple different trails taking advantage of the weather. The trails were in great shape however, I was shocked at the pickers that covered the trails at Holdridge. 

Also last week, we spent the first portion of our run ducking, dodging and doing trail clean up from a windy winter. 

Today, was no better when it came to those bristles and thistles. With the sun blazing we took advantage of the day when we hit the trails to run the East Loop at Holdridge. I was not sure how the run would look, it was my third day on, and we ran Holly Rec the day before with Andy pacing the sweat out of me. 

We were not talking a lot, keeping pace a little faster will do that to you. It is the most magnificent feeling running in the woods swerving where the path leads you, around trees, through the orchard, over the ridge bordering the lake, so glorious. 

BOOM!! The first of 4! I would FLIP, DIP and TRIP. I encountered the ground multiple times. My consistent pace kept getting interrupted by roots, rocks, branches, and dodging thorns. I would jump to my feet to try to regain my pace but my quest to keep pace fell apart each time I stumbled. 

My last tumble, I checked for my phone and I was relieved to have it, but I never bothered to check to see if I still had my sunglasses. 

I did not. I recalled a thorny branch had caught me when I tripped, it stole my sunglasses! 

We finished Grubers Grinder, then went back out for more trails on the West Loop. We ran making it up as we went. As long as I kept moving, I could keep adding more, our elevation would be close to 1,900ft. 

When we finished, I knew I had to go back to the East loop to find my glasses. Thankfully my running partner has a keen sense of direction. 

We went trail blazing off Hess rd. cutting through prehistoric thorns. The barbs were over a half inch long. They were snagging everything they could, digging in their spikes making it hard to go more than a few feet at a time. 

But my favorite GOODR glasses from Colorado were found! 

COLLISION: "Thorn in my Side"

We all have that THORN in our side. That place of annoyance, that problem that isn't getting resolved, that person that snags your thoughts. 

Today, I had to go RIGHT into those thorns. The only way to-- was THROUGH. A painful reminder that if you care enough about something sometimes it is going to hurt to have success. 

You will recover from the pain of trying better than you will recover from the pain of regret. 

RUNDOWN:

Feb5-Feb11

Distance: 60miles

Elevation: 5000 Ft

Valiant Warrior

 

I walk out of this little restroom with oversized scrubs and a larger-than-life gown that I look lost in. I was finally getting my MRI of my pancreas. Cancer follow-ups for my BRCHA gene are more rare but just as weighty.  MRIs are not my favorite and dealing with insurance was more of a battle I had before the procedure. Insurance companies do not want to pay for the preventive but will pay for the thousands and thousands of dollars for cancer. 

The techs were very nice as they escorted me to the trailer outside the building to do my MRI. I was very pleasant, a response to feeling nervous and anxious. I noticed the techs looking directly into my eyes, studying me. I confidently looked back at them, fearless. 

This was NOT a new experience, it was not an enjoyable experience either, but it was necessary.  

I laid back on the tray trying not to get tangled in my gown as he prepped my IV. 

I HAD A BAD FEELING. 

I clenched my fist as he directed me and felt the needle pinch into my skin and then I felt a warm sensation and a little pull. 

I knew he over did it. 

I took a deep breath and smiled. His partner looked at me and I winked. He knew I knew. 

After a couple minutes the tech tells me he is going to try again. 

He is looking up and down my arms and I am just laying there smiling trying not to make him more nervous than I can tell he is. 

He picks a vein on the side of my arm that no one has ever tried. I just waited for that to fail, and I didn't have to wait long. 

I smiled and tried to relax him, "Third times a charm." And then I prayed. 

I thought if he pokes me much more, I am going to spring a leak!

He poked me again and it was bad, I gritted my teeth as I felt my arm bruising, he worked it a bit more and I prayed "PLEASE LORD!" 

Then I tasted the metal. IT worked, finally! 

It took everything in me to not ask to reschedule. I wanted to QUIT. 

It hurt and my confidence in him was depleting. 

Each poke I was not bouncing back with RESILENCE. 

And my attitude was getting sour. 

"The Lord is with you Oh valiant soldier." Judges 6:12 

Learning to have RESILIENCE in the face of adversity can be very challenging. I am walking around with 8 toenails and one that is about to fall off any day from tripping 6 times in a race I did in the beginning of January. 

But Resilience is not a nomad and doesn't travel alone. 

She travels best with PERSISTENCE, which is the ability to intentionally pursue a purpose regardless of opposition, delays and disadvantages. 

They go HAND in HAND. 

I have had to learn to not only recover from a setback but also find the endurance to continue and NOT GIVE UP.  

You can NOT persist without getting back up and sometimes getting back up we are a total HOT MESS. 

I have felt beaten up, tattered and frayed like an old rag doll but not in my strength but HIS I have crawled back out of the grave. 

When I operate in an identity shaped by the LORD, I am capable of great and mighty things. I no longer see a raggamuffin but a valiant soldier. 

I can get up in my fragility and failure. 

"How frail is humanity, how short is life, how full of trouble..." Job 14:1

Job had it right! 

Trouble is inevitable. 

Adversity is inevitable. 

However, it produces strength, physical strength, emotional strength, and spiritual strength. 

Our challenges do NOT define us. Whether we are victorious and successful or we fall short. 

The Lord positions us victorious when we seek HIM, trust HIM and give HIM the Glory. 

When the tech poked me for the third time, I knew that if I gave space for my crisis, it would not make the situation any better. Yes, it HURT, I was uncomfortable, nervous and lacking a lot of trust. 

RESILIENCE has been my word all week. 

I knew it came down to my REACTION to the unfortunate circumstance. 

It is how we respond to challenges that helps create resilience. 

OH Valiant Warrior, GET back UP and get back at it!! 

Do it ugly, tattered, beaten and broken but don't QUIT!! 

And Keep Smiling!! 

5 of us girls went rock climbing, some of the walls were 40ft high. We were all scared and sweating from anxiety. The goal was to make it to the top. we were there cheering each other on with encouragement till we all conquered it or did our best! 

RUNDOWN: 

Girls weekend of adventuring! Stoney Creek.
We conquered our fears rock climbing.
and ran in a new place.  
Valiant Warriors. 
 

WEEK of Jan 22-28th

MILES: 62.39 miles OOPS, overshot my miles again. 

ELEVATION: 2,350

This week I have brought my miles WAY back. 

I hit 3 parks in 10 days, 

1. Kensington
2. Indian Springs 2x
3. Stoney Creek

"THEY ARE JUDGING BECAUSE YOU KEEP STARTING OVER, I'M CLAPPING BECAUSE YOU NEVER GAVE UP."

In Peace, NOT Pieces, 

Anita

"OH WELL"

 "I'd rather have a life of 'Oh Well's' then 'What If's'". 

I am just not sure how I feel about turning 50. 

Where did time go? My mind says I am still 15 years old but the rest of me is in complete disagreement. 

So, I decided to EMBRACE it. 

• I decided to set BIG goals. 
• I decided to go for the GUSTO. 
• Go Big or Go Home. 
• There is always more life to live!
• I like the idea of at least trying. No regrets. 

2024 Running GOALS:

1. A race a month
2. A race in EVERY increment.  
3. Maintain 50 miles a week. 
4. Qualify for New York City marathon.
5. Give God the Glory. 

• 10Miler: The Crim August
• 1/2 marathon: 
• 25K: Snow Moon Race February 
• Marathon: Treasure Coast Marathon Florida March 
• 50K: 
• 50mile   Yankee Springs January
• 100K: Black Beards Revenge Outer Banks March
• 100mile: Kettle Moraine June

 "I'd rather have a life of 'Oh Well's' then 'What If's'". 

Every obstacle serves a purpose. So does every success and every failure. 

Even if I FAIL, even if it ends UGLY, even if...I TRY. 

I am just going to GO for it. 

I am going out in FAITH. One step forward, a little fear but a whole lot more FAITH. 

I am going forward not looking for failure or flaws rather the potential that Faith can deliver. 

It's not about ME getting the glory; it's about GIVING HIM the Glory. No matter the outcome, the Lord gives purpose to it all. 

It's strange to see this 50-year-old woman staring back at me in the mirror. My wrinkles are adding up and getting deeper, the gray hair is surfacing boldly and yet I find myself laughing through it all. 

Life has not been easy for me. 

But I laugh. 

I mentioned my wrinkles to a friend a couple weeks ago. They responded, "Quit Laughing Soo MUCH." 

My wrinkles are not proof of a life of defeat and discouragement, they are an illustration of ZEAL. A biproduct of my Faith and Love for the Lord....

Of Joy. 

Of Faith.

Of Love. 

Of Dreams. 

So here we go, all in, everything I have and even more, Everything He has for me. Even IF I fail, I won't have regret not trying!

Scriptures of Encouragement:

• Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." 
• Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not evil, to give you a future and a hope." 
• Galatians 6:9 "Let us not become weary in well doing, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." 

RUNDOWN: 

Week of Jan 15-21

Distance: 66 miles

Time: 11 hours

Elevation: 1,010

Longest Run: WALK BRREAKS/ INTERVALS

Indian Springs 24.10 miles. 16 miles with Andy, 8 miles solo. This was a hard run. Winter running is full of stinking thinking. I gave myself a walk break every 2 miles to crash the mental chatter. This walk break was brief, but it did the trick! It gave me something to look forward to, it changed my running pattern, and it helped to encourage me to keep going! 

I OVERSHOT my mileage considerably BUT here is why...

I have a sweet friend, a mom who works full time training for a marathon. She needed company for her long run-on Sunday. This weather is tough training weather. I knew that Andy was there for me on Saturday and vise versa, and this allowed me to finish with success. Even though I didn't need more milage I knew the company would help her. 

Running is more than using your legs, its about using your gift for others to be successful to you. 

Iron Sharpens Iron. 

"Faith expects for God what is beyond all expectation." Andrew Murray

In Peace, Not Pieces, 

Anita

RUNDOWN! 2023

The RUNDOWN of 2023 had a lot of surprises for me. I met goals and created goals halfway through the year. 

Races for 2024

January: Out with the Old 5K, Lake Apopka 30K
February: Snow Moon Trail 25K, Winter Loops 1st place female, 21.75miles
March: Pot o' Gold Female Masters 31:39 4 mile
April: Trail Weekend 50K
May: Flying Pig Marathon, High Ball to Thurmond 50miler 
June: Loopty Loops 38miles
July: Bastille 15K, Red Moon 25K
August: Crim 10m
September: Run Rabbit Run 50miler, Atwater Growler Gallup
October:  Monster Dash 1/2 marathon
November: Flying Monkey, Turkey Trail Trot 10K, Black Toenail 1/2 marathon
December: Run Like the Dickens 10K

Total Days active:

244 days: No, I do not run everyday! 

Total Elevation: 

159,121

August I ran over 20,000 feet preparing for Run Rabbit Run in Colorado.

• Mt. Fairweather in Alaska is 15,325 ft.
• Mount Bear in Alaska is 14,831ft.
• Mount Rainer in Washington is 14,417 ft.

Total Distance:

 3,120

The MOST milage I have ever run and WILL ever run again. This was stupid!

July was my highest milage, My superpower is running in the heat, 317 miles. 

• 1,316 miles to visit my brother in Stuart, Florida
• 1,964 miles to the Grand Canyon
• The Appalachian Trail is 2,198 miles long.
• The East Coast Greenery is 3000 miles long from Maine to Key West Florida

My Longest Race: 

Highball to Thurmond, 54 miles. It was a 50-mile race I got LOST at! 

2023 GOAL was to run shorter races. Oddly enough, my yearly milage depicted the training of a 100 miler. 

Hardest Race:

Run Rabbit Run. The hardest part of this race was losing my phone. This messed with my head space so bad I struggled to stay motivated. I found myself discouraged and a disaster. 

I had confidence it would show up, However, by the time I TRULY BELIEVED that I had to drop a gear to finish before dark, that was my goal. 

Silliest Race:

I pace the Crim every year, 10min/milers. I love getting dressed up and encouraging others. The crowds at this local favorite are full of hype and even in the August heat we are all having fun...ish! 

Inspirations:

Andy challenges me to step out of my comfort zones, we hiked the Grand Canyon last year backpacking and camping each night, afraid of heights I conquered so many fears. 

1. Andy! He proved you can turn 50 and still set PR's! Watching Andy work so hard always challenges me and motivates me. He encourages me without a lot of fluff. Andy doesn't sugar coat his words, testing me to work with my abilities not my emotions. 

I have plenty more inspirations, truth is, all my running partners inspire me in different ways. I could say something about every person I run with. 

Favorite Shoes:

1. Trail: Altra Timps, Topos Atmos
2. Road: Saucony 

Nutrition: 

POUCHES, Applesauce w/Chia, Baby Food with protein. Roctane Gu Expresso, 

Post RUN: COFFEE, Recovery Smoothie

Run Supplements: AG1, Gu Recovery Protein, Collagen, Tart cherry juice. 

Hardest Training RUN/ROUTE:

I did 20 miles on Fox Lake rd. I ran some with friends and finished solo. It was a little sketchy out there by myself, this only made me pick up my pace. Focused and hyper alert gave way to one of my best efforts out there. I was sore for almost a week! 

About 2500ft of elevation. 

States I Ran a Race IN:

• Florida: Lake Apopka 30K
• West Virginia: Highball to Thurmond 50mile 
• Tennessee: Flying Monkey Marathon
• Colorado: Run Rabbit Run 50mile
• Ohio: Flying Pig Marathon 

"The Spirit helps us in our weakness" Romans 8:36

2023 GOALS:

Last year's goal was to NOT run any races OVER 50miles. And technically I did that until I got LOST and turned my 50 miler into 54! 

I also SET a goal 3/4 of a way through the year, to run 3000 miles. I do not look closely at my overall training and decided to check it out only to discover that it was possible to run 3000 miles. 

(And still have a life)!

A great reminder we can set goals anytime we want. Setting goals flippantly gives us a reset. I had moments when it was fun, and I had moments when I thought I was a little ridiculous and so was running! 

As I close out my recap of 2023, I end with humble gratitude. Every day is a gift. 

The Lord gave me this gift to reach others, to love others, to encourage others. 

This is how He has me communicate with others. 

I run ONLY because HE has given me breath in my lungs, passion in my soul and His strength in me to Run for Him. 

I can do nothing without Him. 

That is the beautiful reasons why I run but there is also the Brutal reasons why I run. 

Running heals my broken places. I can step out of my disruptive thoughts and run them out. Not every run is heavenly. But every run I feel heaven healing. 

"Your greatest runs are rarely measured by racing success. They are moments in time when running allows you to see how wonderful your life is.' Kara Goucher 

In Peace, Not Pieces, 

Anita

Unsteady

 

"It's not even about being negative. It's about being unsettled, unsatisfied, unfinished." 

Kevin Spacy

Everywhere around me someone is sick. Covid everywhere, the flu, sinuses, allergies and all kinds of funk everywhere. 

It seemed inevitable that I would get something, especially working with the public in such close proximity. 

My 50th birthday fell on a workday, and I felt like I had dodged a few bullets.  

Around 7pm our receptionist told me I had a visitor. 

I walked up front and screamed "SHUT THE FRONT DOOR"!! It was my brother from Florida!! 

Bobby wasn't supposed to come in until late the following day for Christmas.  

I was so stoked. 

The following day, Thursday morning, I continued in my morning routine, coffee, bible, and then my brother comes out to join me. 

It was going to be a great day!

Until my stomach began to churn. 

I began to feel UNSTEADY. 

A very rapid decline in my health and a very mortifying display of bodily fluids knocked me out. 

Shamefully, I locked myself in the bedroom where I found Andy was also sick. 

I laid in bed in a fetal position, sad at the timing but slightly crazy with laughter at the timing as well. 

So UNSTEADY. 

I did what I do often. PRAY. 

"Lord, please heal my body, recover me, redeem me, please remove this sickness so I can enjoy my brother...."

And YES, less than 24 hours later I was back in the saddle! 

RUNDOWN

I took 5 days off from running without a care. I was so excited to spend time with my brother. 

And I did. 

Christmas day everyone was gone. I felt physically well by emotionally I was wrecked. 

USTEADY yet again.

I laced up my shoes and went out for a THERAPY SESSION. 

I did all I knew, RUN and PRAY. 

I thought my legs would feel foot loose and fancy, but they were heavy, and sluggish like my mental state. 

I prayed harder. 

I ran harder. 

I ran longer. 

I found this little smile cracking. I changed my mental dialogue. 

I WAS BACK. 

HEALING. 

Our WEAKNESS can be turned to STRENGTH. 

When my battles are waged in FAITH, I can conquer both physical and emotional illness. 

Yankee Springs 50 miler is in 10 days. 

I decided to test out my trail's legs. I haven't been on the trails in weeks. 

PLAN: 2 WEST Loops with the Lake Loop. 

The first loop, I felt UNSTEADY.  A feeling that was not foreign to me this week. 

I was scared. Cautious. Guarded and watchful of roots and rocks. The trail was slick and wet camouflaged in leaves and mud. 

I clenched my fists prepared to fall. 

One mile, two mile, three miles and I was still upright. 5 miles later I had made it through the loop without falling. 

I headed back into the trail for my second go at it. 

I was stronger. More confident. 

STEADY. 

Andy gave me a goal to finish my last loop. I had to STEADY my thoughts and control my body to even consider achieving his goal. 

And I did it, and never fell!

From being sick to not running for 5 days I reminded myself the hardest thing is starting back again. 

From lacing up my shoes to heading back on the trails, when we first get back out there, we may feel a little UNSTEADY but that is still better than being unwilling.  

It is better than quitting. 

It is better than throwing in the towel. 

Go out there UNSTEADY. Just GO. 

In Peace, not pieces,

Anita

A season of Grief and Joy

 Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything. C.S. Lewis

December is just hard. I think too much. I hurt too much. I pretend too much, and I try too hard. 

I try to smile, to laugh... to ignore my aching heart. 

The Christmas music is playing. Everyone's laughing and smiling. For that matter I am too. 

But the right tune, the right instrument, at the right time, plays a different record that echos in my heart, 

Like many of us, we are navigating through such a joyous time of year and yet suffering with a gaping hole of grief. 

Every day I feel the waves.  The all-consuming tug pulling my heart back into a slumber. 

It has been so long. 

"Andy, today was the day I pulled the plug and killed my mother..." It was a little dramatic but at that moment that is how I felt. 

December 8th. 1992. 

Andy responded with a pause "No, today is the day you removed her from life support, supporting her life.." 

I thought to myself quietly, "Whatever, it still sucks, it all sucks, it sucks so bad, I want my mom." 

I am almost 50 years old and during this time I feel like a little orphan. 

I have a client Jan, last week she tells me, "This is a really hard year, it has been 25 years since I lost my mother, it just hit me harder this year than normal." She shared this with tears in her eyes. 

I ran a little more. I prayed a little more. I cried a lot more. I remembered a little more. I stayed busy a little more. 

I did more to overcome more. 

But what helps most is feeling. 

Writing. 

Thinking. 

Crying. 

Missing. 

The Rundown: 

There is Joy. There is Happiness. There is laughter. I embrace all the good in the bad. 

The Lord hears the brokenhearted. I know this. I feel this. I believe this.

Life presents it all. Christmas has a special way of stirring the emotions.  

Let us show more grace this holiday season. Many are suffering battles we know nothing about. 

My clients sit in my chair and share heartfelt stories. They share sadness, grief, and pain that no one but their hair stylist knows. 

If grief is warring in you, if you are battling, please know I am holding you tightly. I may not be able to fix you heart, but I can love you and I am sorry. 

Our hardships and hurts do produce perseverance and strength and stamina for existing in this broken world. 

We can still have sadness and have JOY. 

Happiness is dependent on circumstances, but Joy comes from within. It is being mindful of things we allow to affect our mood. 

JOY is intention. 

I can still feel loss, hurt, sadness and grief and still share Joy. 

"Ask and you will receive so that your JOY may made be full." John 16:21

Week of Dec 4-Dec 10

Distance: 67 miles.

12 runs this month

111 miles for December. 

4000 feet of elevation for the month. 

Training for Yankee Springs  50 mile: January 6th. 

In Peace not Pieces, 

Anita