Unsteady

 

"It's not even about being negative. It's about being unsettled, unsatisfied, unfinished." 

Kevin Spacy

Everywhere around me someone is sick. Covid everywhere, the flu, sinuses, allergies and all kinds of funk everywhere. 

It seemed inevitable that I would get something, especially working with the public in such close proximity. 

My 50th birthday fell on a workday, and I felt like I had dodged a few bullets.  

Around 7pm our receptionist told me I had a visitor. 

I walked up front and screamed "SHUT THE FRONT DOOR"!! It was my brother from Florida!! 

Bobby wasn't supposed to come in until late the following day for Christmas.  

I was so stoked. 

The following day, Thursday morning, I continued in my morning routine, coffee, bible, and then my brother comes out to join me. 

It was going to be a great day!

Until my stomach began to churn. 

I began to feel UNSTEADY. 

A very rapid decline in my health and a very mortifying display of bodily fluids knocked me out. 

Shamefully, I locked myself in the bedroom where I found Andy was also sick. 

I laid in bed in a fetal position, sad at the timing but slightly crazy with laughter at the timing as well. 

So UNSTEADY. 

I did what I do often. PRAY. 

"Lord, please heal my body, recover me, redeem me, please remove this sickness so I can enjoy my brother...."

And YES, less than 24 hours later I was back in the saddle! 

RUNDOWN

I took 5 days off from running without a care. I was so excited to spend time with my brother. 

And I did. 

Christmas day everyone was gone. I felt physically well by emotionally I was wrecked. 

USTEADY yet again.

I laced up my shoes and went out for a THERAPY SESSION. 

I did all I knew, RUN and PRAY. 

I thought my legs would feel foot loose and fancy, but they were heavy, and sluggish like my mental state. 

I prayed harder. 

I ran harder. 

I ran longer. 

I found this little smile cracking. I changed my mental dialogue. 

I WAS BACK. 

HEALING. 

Our WEAKNESS can be turned to STRENGTH. 

When my battles are waged in FAITH, I can conquer both physical and emotional illness. 

Yankee Springs 50 miler is in 10 days. 

I decided to test out my trail's legs. I haven't been on the trails in weeks. 

PLAN: 2 WEST Loops with the Lake Loop. 

The first loop, I felt UNSTEADY.  A feeling that was not foreign to me this week. 

I was scared. Cautious. Guarded and watchful of roots and rocks. The trail was slick and wet camouflaged in leaves and mud. 

I clenched my fists prepared to fall. 

One mile, two mile, three miles and I was still upright. 5 miles later I had made it through the loop without falling. 

I headed back into the trail for my second go at it. 

I was stronger. More confident. 

STEADY. 

Andy gave me a goal to finish my last loop. I had to STEADY my thoughts and control my body to even consider achieving his goal. 

And I did it, and never fell!

From being sick to not running for 5 days I reminded myself the hardest thing is starting back again. 

From lacing up my shoes to heading back on the trails, when we first get back out there, we may feel a little UNSTEADY but that is still better than being unwilling.  

It is better than quitting. 

It is better than throwing in the towel. 

Go out there UNSTEADY. Just GO. 

In Peace, not pieces,

Anita

A season of Grief and Joy

 Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything. C.S. Lewis

December is just hard. I think too much. I hurt too much. I pretend too much, and I try too hard. 

I try to smile, to laugh... to ignore my aching heart. 

The Christmas music is playing. Everyone's laughing and smiling. For that matter I am too. 

But the right tune, the right instrument, at the right time, plays a different record that echos in my heart, 

Like many of us, we are navigating through such a joyous time of year and yet suffering with a gaping hole of grief. 

Every day I feel the waves.  The all-consuming tug pulling my heart back into a slumber. 

It has been so long. 

"Andy, today was the day I pulled the plug and killed my mother..." It was a little dramatic but at that moment that is how I felt. 

December 8th. 1992. 

Andy responded with a pause "No, today is the day you removed her from life support, supporting her life.." 

I thought to myself quietly, "Whatever, it still sucks, it all sucks, it sucks so bad, I want my mom." 

I am almost 50 years old and during this time I feel like a little orphan. 

I have a client Jan, last week she tells me, "This is a really hard year, it has been 25 years since I lost my mother, it just hit me harder this year than normal." She shared this with tears in her eyes. 

I ran a little more. I prayed a little more. I cried a lot more. I remembered a little more. I stayed busy a little more. 

I did more to overcome more. 

But what helps most is feeling. 

Writing. 

Thinking. 

Crying. 

Missing. 

The Rundown: 

There is Joy. There is Happiness. There is laughter. I embrace all the good in the bad. 

The Lord hears the brokenhearted. I know this. I feel this. I believe this.

Life presents it all. Christmas has a special way of stirring the emotions.  

Let us show more grace this holiday season. Many are suffering battles we know nothing about. 

My clients sit in my chair and share heartfelt stories. They share sadness, grief, and pain that no one but their hair stylist knows. 

If grief is warring in you, if you are battling, please know I am holding you tightly. I may not be able to fix you heart, but I can love you and I am sorry. 

Our hardships and hurts do produce perseverance and strength and stamina for existing in this broken world. 

We can still have sadness and have JOY. 

Happiness is dependent on circumstances, but Joy comes from within. It is being mindful of things we allow to affect our mood. 

JOY is intention. 

I can still feel loss, hurt, sadness and grief and still share Joy. 

"Ask and you will receive so that your JOY may made be full." John 16:21

Week of Dec 4-Dec 10

Distance: 67 miles.

12 runs this month

111 miles for December. 

4000 feet of elevation for the month. 

Training for Yankee Springs  50 mile: January 6th. 

In Peace not Pieces, 

Anita

Suffer Well. Race RECAPs

 

"Determine never to be idle. No person will have occasions to complain of the want of time who never loses any. It is wonderful how much can be done if we are always doing." Thomas Jefferson 

Andy and I watched an older movie with Justin Timberlake called "In Time". The basic story line was that time was a commodity, when you ran out, you died. You lived every moment with intention. 

Time was valuable. 

I think of my dad, such an amazing man. "The man takes the drink, the drink takes a drink, the drink takes the man." Addiction took him in his early 40's. He never saw his daughter graduate, walk her down the aisle or be a grandpa to her boys. Gone too soon and left time filled with tears to many. 

I think of my mother, a beautifully broken soul. "One day at a time." was not enough time for a woman that didn't want to live on this side of earth. No drugs, alcohol or man could give her the time to heal her wounds. 

Addiction takes time from you, it robs you, lies to you, deceives you. I still find myself choking back the tears of time lost. Years destroyed. Moments I questioned my purpose in all the pain. 

I decided years ago I would live out this life. If the Good Lord had me suffering, I would suffer well. 

I would not let my broken beginnings pave the rest of my time.

I knew how to suffer, I would suffer well and suck it up.  

I would pull up my bootstraps and dig in. I would fight. I would go down fighting. 

SUFFER well. 

There is something in the back of my head that scares me. I feel like I was born to suffer. I fight life like I am training for trials. The harder I prepare, the stronger I get, the easier the trial should be when it shows up. 

Even getting cancer, I felt like I had trained my whole life for it. 

I would find myself running with my fists clenched. I was so mad at cancer, so determined to fight it, ready to suffer because I felt like the Lord had prepared me from my beginning. 

I remember a day that running 3 races in a month was a lot, this week I ran 3 races in a week. 

RACE 1: FLYING MONKEY 26,2

November 19th. 

I flew solo to Nashville where my girlfriends picked me up for a race weekend.  The race was the TOUGHEST marathon course I have ever ran. Consisting of over 3000 feet of constant hills. 

My girlfriends themed the marathon Wizard of Oz , I was the scarecrow. 

The first half of the marathon I stayed with the girls for fun and encouragement. The second half of the race my suffering numbed out and I felt strong. I came down a hill at mile 20 and was ready to drop a gear. I could feel my body switch gears from fun mode to race mode. 

The last 5 miles my pace dropped and I began picking runners off. 

I finished smiling.

TIME: 4:14:08

PLACE: 2nd place Masters

OVERALL: 68/245

GENDER: 12/80

Erica was 2nd OVERALL, we both got handmade flying monkeys for awards. 

Your shirts are personalized with your nickname! One of the best race shirts I have ever gotten!

RACE 2: Turkey TRAIL Trot

November 23rd Thanksgiving

My sweet daughter in Love hates running. "I will do it because I love you and I get to be with you.." 

Shelby, Andy and I ran the turkey trot together. We had fun frolicking in the woods at Stoney Creek. 

I never looked at my results, because all I cared about with being with Shelby, I didn't care about pace just time spent with her. 

RACE 3:  Black Toenail 1/2 Marathon

November 24th. 

Andy and I have a warped idea of dates. He signed up to race this and insisted I do the same. My thoughts were to just try and beat last years' time of 1:59. I had just run my marathon 5 days prior and was still in the hurt locker. 

Several of our running friends were there as well. Half marathons are hard for me. It literally takes me 10 miles to warm up. 

When we took off I was by myself. About a quarter mile in, I see Andy blow by me. I picked up my pace to try and catch him. 

I was cutting in and out of the trail around other runners. I would jump off the trail to get around larger groups of runners trying to keep my eye on Andy. 

I caught up to Andy, running next to him for about a minute before he even spotted me. 

We laughed, briefly chatted and I told him I would "TRY" to stay with him. Truth is Andy is really strong on the trails and I was questioning my life choices again. 

I tucked in behind Andy desperate trying to stay on his heels. It took everything I had to not go head over heels, I felt so wobbly. He would see a runner, pick up his pace and I would panic. I fell back a couple times wondering when I would just let him go. 

At mile 10, I felt myself settled in. I had my music playing and I had been praying for miles. 

We came out onto the road, a gal had been running in my shadow for a couple miles presented herself. 

"You can pass us if you want, your doing great.."  I spoke to her. 

She replied "You guys have been doing all the work, thank you..." She then took the lead and moved on. 

That just didn't settle well with me. 

I could tell Andy was just holding pace. Andy knew ...."Nita, GO!! GOO race this..." 

I fought him for a few minutes but before I got passed again, I took off to catch her.

I caught up to her, but she was struggling, as I passed her I said "STAY with me, stay on my heels..." 

She replied, "I will." 

I am not sure when she fell back but I caught up to another runner. He turned around and did a double take, "ANITA! I run with you at Complete Runner..." 

"STAY with me, let's GO, you got this...." I cheered him on. 

And that is what I did all the way to the finish. I kept trying to grab runners to the finish, encouraging them because it encouraged me. 

I finished alone, breathless, trying not to vomit and the tank was empty. 

I raced it for Andy. 

I beat my time. 

TIME: 1:53:52

PACE: 8:42

OVERALL:36/182

GENDER:7th

Division: 1/7

SUFFER WELL.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full 

effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

We can profit in our trials. Life will make you bitter or better. Fight the good fight. Put on your armor and remind yourself the Lord doesn't put you through something He doesn't see you through. He makes a way when there is no way. Your strength may fail but the Lord's strength is unwavering. 

Keep training. Be weary in well doing. When you do it all unto the Lord, give Him all the Glory, Honor and praise and you will see your strength in your suffering. 

The Lord uses all things, even the passion of a ragamuffin like me. 

In Peace, Not Pieces,

Anita

Another Day!

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. The are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

Maybe one day there will be no anxiety when I walk into a Dr's office to get blood work. The nervous laugh will dissolve, and the tough girl performance will be no more than a memory. 

Maybe. 

Maybe not. 

But for today, I do all I know how to do, run and pray. 

Running 20 miles before my 4-year checkup gives me a small amount of control. For just that little bit of time I can run free, I can control my own suffering. 

I can embrace my breathlessness with comfort. 

I can relax in my elements of madness. 

I can keep my fear and anxiety trampled down by the steady pounding of my feet. 

I can swallow down that lump in my throat, blink back my tears and just run.  

Rate of reoccurrence for the first 5 years for TNBC. 

My oncologist, Dr. Cotant and I have this little game we play every time I see him for my checkups. 

I smiled as we played our little game waiting for him to ask, not about how I was feeling rather about my run. 

"Anita, how far did you run today?" Dr. Cotant asked smiling knowing the question wasn't "Did you run?" rather "How far did you run?" 

I responded with a smirk, "20 miles, almost 2000 feet of elevation.." 

And I waited for his smirk and laugh, and like sorcery, he looked at me and laughed. 

I brought the office donuts; little did they know it was my celebratory gift to them. I have made it, 4 years. This stupid cancer is a living nightmare. 

Every day I celebrate. I have made it another day. 

My 4 year date was the day of my surgery in October, but today Dr. Contant made it official! 

"Those thick veins look great but they like to roll" But my gal was all ready for them! A quick POKE and the blood was flowing. 

Another Day. 

There is no amount of suffering that can compare to feeling like you are going to die. 

Begging God for another chance. 

Bargaining with God for do overs. 

Pleading. 

Desperately seeking another go at this thing called life. 

Watching people get their panties in a wad over the mundane as you just pray for another clean bill of health. 

Just begging for another day. 

Another day to practice forgiveness. 

Another day to practice grace. 

Another day to tell someone I love them. 

Another day to share kindness, to love the unlovable, to give grace to those who have hurt me and to seek forgiveness to those I have hurt. 

Another Day. 

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. The are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

The Lord isn't finished with me yet, I continue to run for Jesus with His power, and His strength I go. 

4 years later and I have Another Day. By the grace of God go I. 

Count it all JOY, I have Another Day. 

In Peace not Pieces, 

Anita

Power.

 "What, then, is to be done? To make the best of what is in our power and take the rest as it naturally happens." Epictetus 

A friend of mine came over this afternoon to run. She barreled through the door with eyes wide opened. I was confused by her look when she said "LOOK!" as she pointed outside. 

The sky darkened, the wind whipped, and the skies opened up. 

My mind was racing how we were going to run when she said "You don't need to run..." 

I replied, "Yes, I do, I have goals..." 

I have no power when it comes to the weather, but quitting was just not an option. We gave it a few minutes as she laced up her shoes and we headed out. The rain had settled down to a soft drip and within the mile it had stopped with the sun beaming overhead of us. 

SHOW UP: The Power of Resilience 

Most of life is about just showing up. No excuses. No procrastination. Just get it done. As soon as I make room for an escape plan you can bet, I plan on the escape. I may not be able to control the elements, but I can think with pause and find my POWER in resilience. 

My Power lies in my OUTLOOK. 

No stinking thinking. There are days we feel like there is literally a black cloud over our head and finding that small ray of sunshine seems hopeless. 

In those cases when you have exhausted all possibility of butterlies and rainbows just do it in a slumber. Do it as an overcomer. 

You are the sunshine. You bring accountability. You bring consistency. You don't always have to show up all giddy, I have shown up a mess and even finished a mess, but I showed up.  

My Power lies in my Faith. 

The closer I come to 50, the more I feel my physical power fade. The aches and pains of life are taking their toll. 

I have been running for over 20 years now by the grace of God. This is the gift he has given me for His glory. 

He has protected me in danger. Boston Bombing. 

He has redeemed me. Multiple injuries and breast cancer. 

He has pulled me out of the pit. Deep depression and darkness. 

It is His power in me when I want to quit, when I want to cry, when I feel discouraged, dark or defeated to get back out there in HIS POWER not mine. 

MY POWER Scriptures:

• "The voice of the LORD is powerful, The voice of the LORD is majestic." Psalm 29:4
• "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." 2 Cor. 12:9
• "He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power" Isaiah 40:29
• "For this purpose, also I labor, striving according to His power, which mightily works within me." Col. 1:29

RUNDOWN:

YEARLY RUNNING GOAL: 3000 miles

Total miles 2,600 miles completed.

October miles: 287

The last couple months I have pulled myself away. I have had to settle down. Calm down. Quiet down. The calmer you are the clearer you can think. I find myself moving more with intention and less with emotion. 

I am a tangled mess. I have to unspool the tangles. Running helps me do this. I am such a free spirit but life is broken, and the simplicity of solitude heals. 

I need His voice to cover the ones that say I am not enough. His voice to tell me I am not defined by my failures. I need His voice to tell me I am strong, I am capable. I am enough in HIM. 

My power fades. 

My power is broken. 

My power is messy. 

My power is a failure. 

It is His power that is immeasurable, unmistakable, unchangeable, and unfathomable. 

In Peace, not Pieces,

Anita~ 

MIGHTY

 "And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.." Marianne Williamson 

Shelby ran in Tawas with us. My heart was overflowing with love. 

"Anita, how long are you going to keep running like this?" A client of mine jokingly asked me. 

I laughed, because that's what I prefer to do whenever I am asked this question. 

They responded with intensity, "No, No, seriously, you cannot keep running like this, your body is going to break down." 

I have several different answers on speed dial. I have asked myself this question many times. 

The answers depend on the audience. 

If it is THE LORDS will for me to no longer run, I have always prayed the He would give me peace to leave my running behind. 

Many miles of running. 

Many seasons of running.

Many injuries from running. 

Many Praises to the Lord in my running. 

Many races, many faces and many places. 

But the Lord continues to keep me running. 

After I laughed to my client, I walked in front of them and said, "I am not afraid of my body falling apart from running, it actually is the best way to have my body fall apart, I am more afraid of being afraid of living in fear. " 

But I had many more words, words that were deeper, heavier, however, I thought it was best to keep it light with laughter. I added some joke, poked fun at myself and jumped into another subject. 

"Call onto me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things which though knowest not." Jeremiah 33:3

If you would have asked me 20 years ago if I would still be running, I would have told you NO. 

Over 2 decades of running compiled of victories, failures, friendships, experiences and destinations I could never have dreamed of. 

I can look back over the last 20 years and see God made a way when there was no way. 

The glory was not me being in the limelight, The Lord was in the LIMELIGHT and always gets the glory. 

It has nothing to do with miles, or pace, or where I place, it has everything to do with humility in those miles and giving GOD all the Glory. 

My bravery has NOTHING to do with where I run, or how I run, my bravery is in full faith that I fully trust God no matter the outcome. If it looks like a failure to man often it is a victory to the Lord. 

The Lord has given me over 20 years of GREAT AND MIGHTY things I would never have known if I never stepped out in faith.  

I am reading in Exodus chapter 1:20 "So God was good to the midwives and the people multiplied and became VERY MIGHTY."

Just a few verses back Exodus phrases the growth of the nation as "exceedingly mighty." 

All this MIGHTY talk counseled me. When we put the LORD first, without FEAR from our surroundings and live our faith out loud, we are MIGHTY. 

Moving against the grain in a world that is morphing into mayhem is MIGHTY. 

Living in faith with both compassion and conviction is MIGHTY. 

Finding security in Christ alone is MIGHTY. 

Being brave to feel EVERYTHING even when it hurts is MIGHTY. 

Learning to stand alone in a world that is populated with people is MIGHTY. 

Allowing the mundane to be monumental is MIGHTY. 

Be Brave friend. It just takes a step of courage and a call unto the Lord. He has great and mighty things for you. 

In Peace, not Pieces. 

ANITA

Somewhere in the middle of NO where

"Bless me, even me also, O my Father.." Genesis 27:34

Another rainy day.  

Another cold damp day that the dreariness leads to weariness. 

I set goals to prepare for these days in hope that I could prevail in times of dread like today. 

I didn't have a lot going on today. My phone wasn't ringing, my calendar was open and my head really was more active than my legs. 

I decided to just RUN. 

After an early morning in the word flipping through Genesis, I took my empty coffee cup to the sink and started to get ready for the next few hours of running. 

It left me with many thoughts I needed to think on. 

********

I ran and ran, my wheels were turning. Thoughts were colliding with the scriptures I read on DECEIPT, GRUDGES, BLESSINGS, and REDEMPTION. 

I could totally relate on so many levels. Some of the people in our lives we thought we should trust duped us or deceived us. 

We cried bitterly, as Esau did in Genesis when his blessing was stolen. 

And a seed is planted, a seed of bitterness from that first tear and a grudge against them develops...

Friendships dissolve. 

Families separate. 

Jobs are lost. 

Moments turn to bitter memories. 

And hearts are broken. 

As I ran the backroads in Holly I had no idea where my legs were taking me. I had no knowledge of my limbs I just circulating thoughts. 

Mile into miles I ran. 

Genesis 48:15-16 "The God who has been my shepherd all my life to this day, The angel who redeemed me from all evil." 

These were the words of Jacob.

The brothers reconciled over 20 years later. 

Out of a wounded heart our thoughts can turn evil. Two brothers with over 20 years of grudges. Vengeance and grudges are entertained but the Lord can redeem. 

We can't camp there. The road off the cliff is fun for a while, but I had to reign in back in. 

On these thoughts I began to feel my legs sore from running. I was aware of my heavy breathing and breathlessne. 

And I Smiled. 

I have been redeemed. 

As I ran all by myself, with only my thoughts I smiled. I have so much comfort and peace all by myself. 

The Lord redeems. 

His redemption gives us peace. 

His redemption removes the shackles of bitterness.

His redemption shines grace upon us to give to others. 

RUNDOWN:

"Mastery requires endurance....Mastery is not merely a commitment to a goal, but to a curved line, constant pursuit....Mastery is in the reaching, not the arriving." Sarah Lewis

SOMEWHERE in the MIDDLE of NO WHERE is where I ended up without a plan just a goal. I knew I wanted to run long and slow. 
It happened gradually...
With that being the case, I really didn't map out a course. I ended up with more miles that I wanted and when I discovered I was going to be running over I knew I needed MUSIC. 
My wobbly legs got a second wind. I found myself running and smiling. 
Even as the drizzle wet my skin and a head wind hit me, I was still smiling. 
REDEEMED. 

In Peace, Not Pieces, 

ANITA