Stupid Honest. RRR T-5 days

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1-2

Run Rabbit Run 50 is just days away. My nerves are on tilt even knowing I have everything covered. I have trained my little heart out for the last 8 months. 

But I am still a wreck. I am scared. And I am stupid honest. I have had 3 melt downs in 10 days. That ugly place where you lose your breath, where your insides are cramping, and I feel like I am going to puke. At one point I couldn't find some flight info and at another point I couldn't find my registration. Both times I thought the room was closing in on me, massive panic and tears were about to erupt. I was in full on emotional breakdown. 
BREATHE. CHILL OUT. 
I asked Andy last week to be HONEST with me and share my STRENGTHS and WEAKNESSES going into the race. I needed to know.

STRENGTHS:  Experience, mental fortitude, solid training....
WEAKNESSES: The Elevation, the Altitude

I thought about Andys honesty and before giving more space to fear my heart actually settled. I have one strength Andy forgot to mention. 
One strength that covers all. 
I have one strength that has power to not only run the mountains but MOVE the MOUNTAINS!!

2 Corinthians 12:9 He said, "My Grace is all you need. My power works best in WEAKNESS.: So now I am glad to boast about my weakness, s that the power of Christ can work through me. 

I know my weaknesses. I know my strengths; I have gotten very familiar with them. But if the Lord leads me into weakness, it teaches me to depend on Him. I can see those mountains ahead of me. The mountains that represent what I have already conquered. One step at a time. One mile at a time. I can see the mountain, but I want to experience the invisible. Faith to make it over them when my strength is gone. Faith to run when I am weak, when I am tired when I am at my weakest. 

I am stepping out in fear and in faith. That fear is what makes me tremble in self. But that FAITH is what conquers mountains! SO I am taking that leap of faith in full reliance on the one who created the mountains to carry me over them in victory! 

BIG SHOUT OUT to JAZZ and JOEL. Andy and I went camping over the weekend. We went to support our friends trying to qualify for Boston. Congrats to Jazz for qualifying and Joel for a PR of over 20 minutes!! Also Kathy M and Christina for also qualifying! Watching the grit of these athletes truly inspired me!!

OUR Crew: Will, Donny, Joel, Jazz, Erica, me and Andy!

In Peace not Pieces, 
Anita

"Whoops...Whoops..."

 

Today, I worked half the day on what many people would get done in minutes. Numbers are not my thing. Even today on my run with Christina and Lynn we all found ourselves laughing at how our significant others enjoy numbers, but it is a place of torture for us. 

I have been following Hal Koerners training plan for 50 miles, his plans I have followed since running Cloudsplitter in 2015. 

For Christmas Andy gifted me this book with a registration to Cloudsplitter 100k. 

This afternoon, I got out my pens, my highlighters, my old school running journal and began calculating and making my own little grid to add to Hals. I wanted to see how far off I was from his plan. 

When I got all done calculating my miles and double checking with my Strava I was very satisfied with my training for Run Rabbit Run in 2 weeks.  

Pleased and proud of all my work I showed Andy. I handed him what I had been working on and stood back waiting for him to smile in approval and even praise me for my nerdy work! 

And I waited...

And shivering with excitement I watched him intensely....

AND THEN...a smirk and a eyebrow raise...I smiled bigger and thought, "He thinks I am so cool"! 

Andy studied it, realizing what I had been working on, he says, "hmm, WHOOPS, whoops...whoops..."

I giggled because the graph I gave him was 16 total weekly miles of Hal Koerner, then I added a column that showed my miles for that week. 

I may have overshot a few weeks by a few miles BUT I didn't have very many weeks I was under milage. And even my under milage weeks were only missed by a few miles. Those were usually recovery weeks from my overage. 

Over the course of the last 16 weeks of training I have had several "WHOOPS". 

16 weeks of training for me has had its fair share of mishaps, misdirection's and even misjudgments. 

I ran many miles with friends, and I ran many miles solo. 

I ran happy, I ran sad, I ran angry, and I ran miles where I felt all those emotions in one run. 

But one thing always remained, I RAN GRATEFUL. 

AFRAID: Fragments of my mind. 

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

I had to overcome some weakness I have. I had to face my fears and challenge myself to train them away. 

I chose Run Rabbit Run because it frightened me. 

I was afraid of the elevation. 

I was afraid of the terrain. 

I was afraid of the lack of oxygen in the air. 

I was afraid of the training. 

I was even afraid of my age and if my body would be strong enough to train my weaknesses. 

But you become unstoppable when you conquer your weaknesses, your fears or anything that people cannot take away from you. 

Your mindset, your character, your entire being. I can train my body to run all day long but if my mindset is not healthy my body will not overcome my fears, my insecurities, even my failures. 

My fears didn't dissolve, they just no longer manage me! 

Being Unstoppable.

Run with your legs to be fast. Run with your mind to be faster. Run with your heart to be unstoppable. - Aalaynah Thompson

My greatest challenge is when my mind is turbulent. I cannot trust myself. But when we learn to weaponize our fear we can deal with it and overcome it. 

Today, I was able to run with 2 fearless ladies! 

I was so excited to run with Christina and Lynn. These two ladies are more than just runners, they are incredible humans. We talked about some of our fears today with honestly and transparency. Sometimes it is scary to be so transparent, we bonded very quickly. 

They are overcomers, and unstoppable. 

Conclusion: 

"The Lord your God is in your mist, A mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness. He will quiet you by His love.." Zeph 3:17

Whether it is fear or failures, or whatever the fragments of my mind are. No matter what the training plan is or how I missed the mark I am reminded that in my limited abilities I am directed by the Lords LIMITLESS grace and love for me. 

In Peace not Pieces, 

Anita

I GET TO BE.

• Never forget to express your gratitude for the gift of life. ― Debasish Mridha

I heard the quote, "Life is meant for the living." My initial reaction was confusion. I just wasn't sure what it meant. 

4 years ago, I would line up The Crim, determined that cancer would NOT steal my streak and I would give everything I had to finish. 

I ran that Crim 10 miler smiling the whole time. I cheered on the other runners; I ran it in my true Anita fashion. 

But not 10 minutes in the car from Flint to Holly I was fully passed out. 

Depleted. 

Empty. 

Wiped out. 

It literally took every ounce of everything I had to give my very best. 

That was my lesson. 

Last Saturday, I showed up with my everything. I would be pacing the 10min/miler in a full-on clown costume. 

I LOVE PEOPLE. I would shout, holler, cheer and encourage as many runners my little lungs and legs would allow. 

I would line up REMINDED GOD gave me another CRIM. 

Sometimes our journey forward circles us back. 

I had dove deep inside myself backtracking to 2019. Chemo didn't save me. Running didn't save me. My doctors didn't save me and my attitude didn't save me from DEATH. 

The awful truth is, I should have died. 

Yes, all those things "HELPED" save me BUT truly it was THE LORD that saved me. 

He chose to give me breath. 

EVERY day is a gift. A MORE valuable gift. 

It was more than just a shadow that humbled me to the real truth. The truth that I am living today because the LORD made a way when there was no way. 

Because of HIS grace I have another breath. 

Because of HIS mercy I get to be a mom, I get to be a wife, I get to feel happiness and I get to feel sorrow. I get to experience the good, the bad and the ugly. I get to BE....

I GET TO BE. 

I get the gift to LOVE. 

I get the gift to FORGIVE. 

I get the gift to LEARN. 

I get the gift to GROW. 

AND I get the gift to RUN. I got to run Saturday because the LORD healed me 4 years ago. I was given a second chance on life. 

EVERYTHING from HIS healing, from HIS grace, from HIS mercy, from HIS redemption is a GIFT.

It is HIS gift to me. 

I GET TO BE. 

I am not aimlessly wandering. I am pursing life as a gift. 

I GET TO BE. 

I AM HIS. 

"Know that the LORD, He is GOD! It is He who made us, and we are His, We are His people, and the sheep of His pasture." Psalm 100:3

HIS PURPOSE.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

My life is God's gift to me. I want to live it for HIM. I choose JOY. This does not mean everything is hunky dory, this doesn't mean I don't have bad days, emotional days, days I fall on my face, moments I fail, times I lose my testimony, it just means I am TRYING really hard to embrace the Gift He has given me to live life for Him. 

With Love. 

With Gratitude.  

With Humility. 

With JOY. 

RUNDOWN:

• Training program had me at 57miles for last week- I DID 56. with 4200 feet of elevation.
• This weeks the plan is 50miles- I am currently at 34 miles for week 3,500 feet of elevation. 
• T-15 days for Run Rabbit Run 50m 
• Tapering is showing lil aches and pains, knee tweaks, piriformis, and even ITband. 
• I have been running trails about 75% of my runs to prepare for Colorado. 
• I will quit running trails next week to prevent injury before the race. 

In closing, I am so thankful the Lord has given me the strength, healed me and set my feet back to race and run. 

I am humbled that He loves this little ragamuffin so much he gave me another breath. 

In Peace, Not Pieces,

Anita

Mostly Dead, but slightly alive

 "Most dead, but slightly alive." The Princess Bride

Silliness and suffering. 

A little more than 3 weeks away from my 50 miler in Colorado. I was supposed to start my taper last week but after adding up my miles Sunday realized I failed miserably. 

My ultra training plan had me running 57 miles. I ran 90. OOPS. 

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN??

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." 

If someone told me I would be running 90 miles I would have panicked.

But when I take one day at a time, one run at a time and just live in the moment I am free to feel the feels THERE. 

But if I think too far ahead, I get anxiety, or the feeling of being overwhelmed and even scared, I will take those feelings into a run that has not even happened yet, sabotaging tomorrow's victories.  

It's like the saying goes, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." 

Staying positive and embracing the run that I am in allows me to NOT dread my runs, I get excited to suffer in a weird way!

Apparently, I had almost 60 miles before I entered my girls weekend a few days ago.

 I planned a night 50K with the girls for a training run. 

AIRHEAD Anita MOMENT. 

Sarah planned a 12 mile route to run 3 times. If you add these numbers up you will know that is 36 miles NOT 31 miles which makes a 50K. But we didn't put that together until the 2nd loop. 

5 of us girls took off at 9:50 pm, it seemed like a good idea when I planned it, however within a few miles I was not feeling so confident. 

On that first loop, we had laughed so much that I had to pee 3 times and in those 3 times unbeknownst to me I LOST my phone! 

When we came into change, eat and go again, my heart crumbled. I reached for my phone and the pocket was EMPTY. I thought I was going to throw up. It was as dark as the ace of spades, and I had NO idea where I lost my phone. It was midnight, I was using someone else's phone to call Andy to have him try and locate my phone. My phone was going directly to voicemail and Andy answered the phone expecting someone to tell him his wife was in the hospital. After calming him down, he said my phone was last pinged at 11:05 but he couldn't locate it but within a 7 mile radius. 

I was sick.

We took off for the second loop and I didn't even realize my legs were exhausted. I didn't realize my heart was beating out of my chest, I didn't realize a lot of my misery, fear included. 

Erica was confident she knew where it was. All I could do was pray and feel guilty for my lack of faith. 

We had came across these reflectors at the 3-4 mile mark, they were actually hanging CD's in the trees. I thought they were cool and on the first loop stopped to take a picture and go pee, this is where the girls were convinced I lost my phone, but this was not in that radius. 

Erica sees the CD's hanging and picked up her pace to find my phone, and low and behold there was my phone! 

I was so thankful I just sat on the ground and thanked the good Lord. 

As we moved closer to mile 15, I was doing the math on our loops and verbalized my math. We were all rather excited, it was like we had 6 free miles! 

We finished our 31mile run around 4am. We were all tired, sore and HUNGRY! 

We felt dead, but slightly alive and ready to finish out our night with APPLE PIE! 

I had made an apple pie and that is what

drove our last miles back to the cabin! 

"MOSTLY DEAD, but Slightly ALIVE." 

This was how I felt at 5am when I finally fell asleep. 

This is how I felt at 9am when I woke up searching for the coffee pot. 

90 miles and over 6000 feet of elevation for the week can really beat you up.  

I was reminded not to trust the way I saw myself when my mind was turbulent. 

Pain is temporary, be gentle with yourself.

 I had several miles in that 50K that I was struggling and couldn't put my finger on why, I would later figure out it was because I had overtrained for the week. And with that "slightly alive" feeling I can hold fast to faith, gratitude, and hope. 

Faith the Lord will make a way. 

Gratitude that He took care of me this far more that I could ever imagine. 

Hope that I will continue to persevere. 

Rundown: 

Even though my body is ready for recovery and rest I am different shades of HAPPY! 

LET THE TAPER BEGIN!! 

This week I only need 57 miles. 

It is going to be GLORIOUS!! 

OH... and I Hennipen here we go to pace a friend this October....

In Peace, Not pieces, 

Anita~

Anita

Keep Fighting

1st Timothy 6:12: "Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses."

Sometimes I get a little cocky, its probably my Napolean complex. I was coming down a nasty descend that was washed out when my smile was wiped off my face. With almost 10 miles in, I was bee bobbing down the trail acting all foot loose and fancy. Confident but cautious I was dodging the roots and skipping over the rocks when my toes connected with a rock. Everything happened so fast, a million thoughts run through your brain when you know your in crisis. FEAR was the overwhelming emotion and prayer, a million prayers in a split second. I landed in a THUMP, the earth shook, my right shoulder skidded across the dirty path, I threw that right arm out to protect my head from the rock in the middle of the trail I was landing towards. I managed to twist my body quick enough and did a head plant in the soft black dirt missing the rock by inches. 

I laid in the dirt trying to collect my thoughts. 

I felt myself covered in dirt, in my hair, in my nails, in my pack, my shoulder was bleeding, my knee lost some layers of skin, but nothing hurt! 

I had a quirky smile with dirt all over my face in TOTAL gratitude. 

I stood up expecting something to be broken or injured other than my pride of course. 

And laughed, "LORD, thank YOU!" I said over and over as I looked at the catastrophe that should have happened. 

I was a little timid to continue running down that section of washed-out trail. 

"Go, Anita, wipe yourself off and go with confidence, the Lord continues to protect you, keep fighting..." 

"KEEP FIGHTING" 

• We are not defined by our circumstances. 
• We are not defined by what OTHERS say about us. 
• We are not defined by our past. 
• We are not defined by our failures, our mistakes, our mishaps or our misfortunes. 
• We are not defined by our name. 
• We are not defined by our age. 

I REFUSE to allow myself to be a quitter. 

I will get busted up and bruised but I am not a quitter. 

I have had both godly people and ungodly people attempt to "break me" so I could experience a "break through".

The tears might look like I was broke but the LORD protects and redeems. 

Whether you feel physically or emotionally burdened you have to keep fighting. 

We have all been broken and bruised especially on this side of eternity. 

But we have to keep FIGHTING. 

I picked myself up and told myself to NOT give up!

Life is going to want to keep you down, dust off the dirt and keep fighting. 

Don't ALLOW people or circumstances to get the best of you, you are not a victim, you are a OVERCOMER. 

I didn't allow the family history of addiction to own me.

I didn't allow being parentless at 18 to make me a victim. 

I didn't listen to the doctors tell me multiple times to quit running after multiple surgeries. 

I didn't quit running when I got breast cancer and went through chemo, radiation and several surgeries. 

I didn't QUIT believing God loved me. 

I never QUIT on GOD. I knew despite my unfortunate circumstances God still loved me and was doing "Great and mighty" things "IN" me - in the miry pit. 

 

You are NOT a Victim, get up and FIGHT! Don't give up!!

"You gotta get bruised

before you get mad

You gotta fall down before you fight back

Was feeling so weak

But baby I'm strong

Little did I know

I'm a Champion

I'm a Champion." 

Biship Briggs

 "The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent." Ex. 14:14

Pick your battles. You don't have to go to every argument your invited to. Sometimes the greatest fight is the one in ourselves. 

Keep fighting to be a better you. Let people say what they want about you. Let it GO. 

RUNDOWN

T- 32 DAYS until RUN RABBIT RUN 50 miler. As I look at my training plan, I find myself getting more and more excited. Last week, I had a stepdown week in miles but a step up week in ELEVATION!

This 10 mile marker had "fell down", I had to laugh because I was totally relating! 

I ran in 3 parks the last 3 days. 

Trail running isn't fast running, but I am not training for speed, I am training for endurance and strength. 

The trails have been washed out, buggy and humid. I have chosen to run some of the harder trails for stronger training. 

I have ran in the middle of the heat to prepare for the heat of Colorado. 

The best way to prepare for the elements and terrain of Colorado is to suffer in the closest conditions I have here. 

Last week: 62 miles. 

Elevation: 6000 feet.

Trails, Highland Recreation, Independence Oaks

Joshua 1:9, Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

In Peace, Not pieces, 

Anita

From Wilderness to Wilderness

"Who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle." Psalms 103:5

Maybe I like the woods because it is hidden. 

Maybe I like the woods because it is quiet, it is serene, it is concealed, it is secluded. 

I am more confident in the confinement of nature; I can hear myself think more clearly and I can hear the Lord whisper to me in the silence. 

It is a place of rescue and a place of reassurance. 

With less than 40 days until Run Rabbit Run 50miler, I am now revisiting my training over the last 8 months. 

• I have put in over 2000 miles. 
• Accomplished at least a race a month. 
• Managed to stay injury free.
• Maintained at least 50 miles a week.
• Focused on elevation more than ever. 
• And managed my running and not let my running MANAGE me. 

The crew going out to Colorado for Run Rabbit Run. We did a training run at Independance Sunday after church. 

I have put in all the work I can without being overworked. I am a wife. I am a mom. I have work, responsibilities, friends, family and my relationship with the Lord. There has to be proper order. While I LOVE running and racing, it is what I LOVE but it is NOT who I am. 

Maintaining balance comes down to THIS: MY FAITH over FEAR. 

FAITH OVER FEAR

When I am out of balance, I am living out of fear that fear drives me to change the order of things. When I am fearful, I will put my faith on the bottom and try to control my outcome. I will find myself putting running in front of everything else not trusting God for His outcome. 

I will operate in my strength, in my stamina, in my goals and in my plan not trusting God for His plan in the gift He has given me. 

With my "A" race fast approaching I am recollecting my training with PEACE. 

I have had my doubts in my training the past several months. 

• Getting lost at Highball to Thurmond
• Getting older, 49 is quickly vanishing. 
• My body is getting older, and recovery is getting slower.
• My fast pace is no longer achievable. 

  

  Danielle, Mark, Joe out at Highland Rec today.17 miles and over 2,100 feet of elevation. 

  
  

I am so GRATEFUL the Lord remembers our faith and not our doubts. 

Situations and circumstances can dilute our faith leaving us watered down with doubt. 

BUT the Lord rebuilds our doubts, strengthening our faith when we faithfully seek Him. 

Life will distract and derail us when we let FEAR drive us. 

BUT when we LET go in FAITH; that is when our spirit finds PEACE in the wilderness of doubt and fear, then we can pick up our tent and move out!

Renewed from Fear

There are many stories in the bible where men of God ran to the wilderness. Fear took them in a direction of hiding. David ran with fear from Saul. Saul once his mentor, once his encourager, once a man that David looked up to, suddenly became his enemy. Saul became his pursuer chasing David from wilderness to wilderness and cave to cave. David struggled with doubt, but the Lord renewed him through his faith. 

Psalm 103 is a praise for the Lords Mercies written by David. 

103:2 "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget none of His benefits; 

3. Who pardons all your iniquities, 

Who heals all your diseases;

4. Who redeems your life from the pit,

Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;

5. Who satisfies your years with good things, 

So that your youth is renewed like the eagle." 

 

Eagles live long and mysterious lives, they are a symbol of strength and speed. 

The Lord renews me, taking my fears and my doubts. He draws me out from Wilderness to Wilderness 

and from Cave to Cave. 

And He wants to do the same for you. 

Bless the Lord, O my soul. 

In peace, not Pieces, 

Anita~

Good Training.

 "You may want something beautiful and fear it at the same time, you may find it both beautiful and ugly."

Tristine Rainer

I have these thoughts of adventure, exhilarating, and frightful all wound up together. Races in different places. I love the things that make me tremble, the dreams right on the edge of brilliance and foolishness. 

Andy always says that it has something to do with my childhood. I am sure he is right, growing up with addiction your adrenaline is pumping pretty high. 

And while I don't drink or smoke or toke, I do love the temptations of fear and failure that adrenalin can birth. 

Run Rabbit run is now less than 7 weeks away. 

I am feeling pretty healthy physically, and more confident in my training after this week. 

Total miles July 24-30th

Total miles: 76.02

Time: 14H 24min

Elevation: 4,200

75K: "It's Good Training

This week the trails have been overtaken with bugs, the humidity has been as thick as snot and the rain has wreaked havoc on the trails. 

But its all "good training". Learning to suffer gives you both experience and tolerance. 

A friend of mine was doing a 50K up north and also running a 25K.

I was running the same 25K and looking for a 50K. I opted to just run local. 

My running partner created a 15.5 mile loop. We invited everyone in our running group for our epic "Groveland Grit 50k". I arrived at 6:32am, a couple minutes late and laughing when I didn't see any other cars but ours and a whole lot of rain. 

No Takers. 

"It's good training" I said at some point of our run. 

"You think everything is 'Good Training" was the response. 

Groveland Grit 50K

I started training with BABY FOOD a few weeks ago! I showed it to a friend of mine, Sarah and she even tried it for her 50K.  I am a real food runner; I don't do a lot of gu's. I prefer whole foods and this had fruit, yogurt and chia in it. 

Truth is I think suffering is good training and that is what I did. It rained on us for almost 3 hours. 

My running partner killed over 30 bugs. 

Andy road his bike to run with us and changed his mind it was so nasty out. 

I fell 2 times in 3 miles and 3 times in 5 miles, giving a lot of concern to what the next 25 miles would look like. At that rate, I would have body parts in the woods and would need to borrow Andys helmet to run in to protect my brain, that I am pretty sure wasn't working right in the first place. 

Regardless, we finished, 31 miles with over 3,600 ft of elevation. 

 

Most people might chill out and put their feet up in order to do it again at 8:30 that night. Me, well, I wasn't passing up the opportunity to enjoy the afternoon with my daughter in love. It was a active recovery before I had to lace up my shoes again. 

Red Moon Run 25K

This would be my FIRST race I ever ran in a PROM DRESS! Sarah and I decided since we both ran a 50K we would just have fun at the 25K. She stopped at a Goodwill and for 10$ found us both prom dresses! 

We did it and even smiled crossing the finish!

RUNDOWN:

All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. Hebrews 12:11

This scripture is in a chapter of Hebrew labeled "The Race for Faith". I have found great encouragement from the words in this chapter. 

The scripture in context is referring to the discipline of the Lord. Discipline is for our good. 

 

When the morning started for my 50K, I went to the Lord in prayer. 

When I finished, even though I was scraped up, bitten up, sore and tired I went to the Lord in prayer, with thanksgiving and humility. He still kept me strong and steadfast. 

When the National Anthem played right before the race that evening, I went to the Lord again in prayer. First with gratitude, then asking the Lord to help me persevere with strength and endurance. 

"It's Good Training." Yes, I was hurting, and it didn't exactly feel-good winding my wobble sticks up again, but I knew I needed it for my training. And I knew it would prove itself beneficial for Run Rabbit Run. 

Life is like this. Life doesn't always feel good. We are all training in life. 

Life "entangles" us. 

Life has hostility, hurts, and hang-ups. 

But detouring from some of life's pains doesn't teach us to rely on the Lord. When I fully rely on the Lord to walk me through the fires of life it doesn't feel good, but I can count it all joy that I am suffering. (James 1:2-8)

 "You may want something beautiful and fear it at the same time, you may find it both beautiful and ugly."

For every pain I have felt, for every good idea gone bad, for every tear shed, for all the sweat, suffering and struggles I have endured it is all Good Training. 

It is all part of the risk of living. Because Life is Meant for the Living. 

In Peace, not Pieces, 

Anita