Removing my Layers of Ugly.

 “Saying NO to the wrong things creates space to say YES to the right things.” –  Mack Story

The leaves are changing, just yesterday it seems they were alive and lush. The trails were heavy with foliage and a heartbeat of its own. But over the course of just a couple weeks the colors have changed, giving us that final dance of color and life before their death. 

A similar death that Danielle and I ran up on today in the woods with a much harsher end, a buck that feasted all summer, plump and lively now lay spiritless in a hunters hands. A very happy hunter and a less expressionate buck. 

Running is winding down for the year. My season of racing has peaked like the leaves and it is now time to wind down. 

My season of racing lasted over 6 months. It was a very abundant season. I feel so blessed and I am so grateful for God coaching, strengthening and directing me. 

 I am going into a new season, a unfamiliar season. I am excited and nervous for these new changes. I am stepping into a unfamiliar territory moved by curiosity, a different passion and obedience. My running schedule will change and like me, will adapt to a new adventure, because I like adventures!

I shared my new running schedule with Danielle as we ran and we carved out our next run with excitement. 

And we shared new goals, new dreams, we refreshed our thoughts on training, letting the thrill of our next season move us.  

As we ran, the temps warmed up and I questioned the apparel I chose, I didn't have any layers to "put off, I was in a long sleeve thermal shirt and a vest. I gritted it out, finding myself tuckered out by the time we had finished our run.

 I wanted nothing more than to get home and shut myself in. I had things to catch up on at home. 

When I finished getting my "skirt work" done I was pleased to sit, read study. I love this quiet time. 

Colossians 3:8 " But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander and obscene talk from your mouth." 

Lake loop at Holly Rec 

This verse spoke volumes to me in multiple ways. Like the dead leaves falling or layers that need to be removed, anger, wrath, malice, slander, obscene talk need to die or be peeled off. 

The words we speak bring "life and death". 

We have all been on one side of someone's wrath and if you haven't I have enough times for all of us. 

I have been slandered, gossiped about and had anger so raged that I was scared for my life and the life of those around me. 

BUT WAIT....there's more....

Let's not throw stones...I am no saint. Let's not be a hypocrite Anita. I hang my head in shame at some of the rage I have spewed, blaming it on my blood, Irish and Mexican. This girl might be tiny but she can pack a powerful punch of venom. And if I don't blame it on my blood I will blame it on the circumstance of growing up in a very volatile home and if that isn't enough to justify my actions I can always try to convince myself  and you that I was so deeply mistreated that I acted out of a broken spirit.  

I have been caught up in conversations that are slanderous and hurtful. I have been so wounded and upset that I have let my pain direct me into poor communication and gossip. 

Today, I was reminded to remove this like a layer of clothing that is holding me back.

These things might look lively in your life, they may even make you the center of attention and the life of the party but they are quite the opposite. 

I am being prompted to add this to my training. Like removing dirty clothes at the end of a wonderful run, these need to be peeled off. 

“Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.”

Warren Buffett

Holly Rec, I love who ever decorated the trails with these, even though the pumpkins were scowling I was laughing! 

ANITA~

Spiritual Pacer

There is something spiritual about running through the woods with the forest holding you up, whispering sweet nothings to you. 

The woods were everything but silent, as I ran romanced by the dancing trees, the gentle rustle of the leaves, the soft chirp of a hidden bird, my heart gave way to Gods woodsy embrace. 

That peace that passes all understanding calmed my soul, from deep inside I could feel, I could touch, I could smell and I could hear Him with intimacy guiding me. 

And my mind wandered farther into the trail and farther away from the noise just outside of nowhere. 

And I stopped. And I smiled. I don't remember stopping or smiling, I just paused and stood there beneath the canopy of trees, so small, looking up. My breath settled quietly to rest in the stillness of Gods glory. 

I thought of Rachel, of Rob, of Bear Lake. Rachel pacing me, Rob encouraging me. 

We all have pacers in our life. They come alongside us, supporting us, encouraging us, believing in us. 

  

My pacers can not always be next to me and sometimes they are going to show up late if they show up at all. 

Sometimes our pacers get injured, struggling with their own race in life. 

Sometimes expectations are not met as communications get crossed leaving us resentful and disappointed. 

Sometimes our pacers in life can not keep up or are not prepared for the journey we need from them. 

And sometimes are pacers are scared to come along side us because it is going to be difficult, painful and exhausting. 

But listen, My God, Oh MY GOD He.....

HEARS me: Isaiah 30:21 "Your ears will hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right or to the left."

GUIDES me: Psalm 48:14 "For such is God, Our God forever and ever; He will guide us until death." 

DIRECTS me: Proverbs 16:9 "A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps" 

INSTRUCT&TEACH me: Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will advise you with My eye upon you." 

The LIGHT to me: Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path." 

STRENGTHENS me: Isaiah 40:31 "Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary." 

Bear Lake was by definition a victory. I came first place female, 4th overall and I set the record for females. 

HOWEVER.. success is not measured short term. Accolades and awards are great but like the breeze shuffling the trees they blow by all too soon. 

Short term success can be the ultimate failure. If you do a good thing the wrong way that becomes a problem.  

Running the trails on Monday I took more time to recollect. 

The meaning in the mission is all based on our motives. I know that not just Bear Lake but all the victories I had this year had nothing to do with my abilities, my talent, or even my will. Not every race did I have a pacer to hold me up, to encourage me, to get me through the darkness. Keeping my heart clean and my ego at bay helps keep my motives clean. 

And while I am so thankful for my amazing pacers, success requires context and that is The Lord, my divine pacer. 

He directed every mile, He listened to me not just when I lined up but all the days and the weeks prior. 

I ran for 23 hours and 30 minutes. Not every hour I had someone praying over me, not every mile did I have someone coaching me eat, to drink and to start running again. I ran many miles with nothing but the tools God gave me to persevere, to grit it out, to be happy and humble. 

I am so grateful for the pacers in my life, the ones that came along side me at my ugliest. My pacers who held me up in my weakness, who counseled me in my confusion, who cheered me on to my victories and loved on me in my failures. 

But sometimes we need the invisible, there is a greater power within us. In this race we are all running we will use up all our humanly resources, But the Lord never grows weary, never expires, and never runs out of batteries. 

"The highest reward for a mans toil is not what he gets for it, but what he becomes by it." John Ruskin

Anita~

Special thanks to all those who have checked on me and  encouraged me after Bear Lake. I was overwhelmed with love. 

Keep Movin: Bear Lake Ultra RECAP

 "So move, keep walking', soldier, keep movin' on

Move, keep walking' until the mornin' comes

Move, keep walkin', soldier, keep movin' on

And lift your head, it ain't over yet, ain't over yet"

Tobymac

Bear Lake Recap: 

When: Saturday, October 9th

Where: Lions of Bear Lake, Lapeer, Mi

Description: "24 hours of FUN! This means you can run, walk, go fast, go slow! Do as many loops as you want or can! 

Course: A race for beginners and ultra veterans alike. Runners will loop around Bear Lake Blind Camp along rolling hills on single-track trails, wide groomed trails (dirt), some grass and a few bridge crossings completing as many loops (approximately 3.1 mile loop) as you wants and at any pace during the 24 hours. At any time runners can take a break and continue on the course within the 24 hours (You do not need to run or walk the entire 24 hours)"

Goal: KEEP MOVING FOR 24 HOURS! How ever many miles that would be, just don't quit. 

"A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps." 

Proverbs 16:9

I have these crazy ideas to run these ridiculous races but I know all the preparing, all the planning, all the training, the Lord directs my steps. 

When I line up for an ultra I never get nervous in comparison to running a marathon. When I line up at that starting line I have excitement, I am so eager to see what adventures my body is going to be introduced to. 

Rob, the race director was giving us all the prerace info and had mentioned earlier he had a couple surprises for me. As he delivered the rules, he shared a course description quote my write up from last year! "..every loop can be all together different than the previous one, good, bad or indifferent but you can't give up on a bad loop when a good one might be just around the corner."  I was chatting with Shirley M. when I heard this, I had the biggest grin on my face. It was at that moment I felt so incredible encouraged. The National Anthem played and I bowed my head in prayer, praying for the next 24 hours, giving every mile to God asking Him to direct my steps. 

"Hold on, Hold on, Lord ain't finished yet.."

Less than 3 weeks from being diagnosed with Covid I was humbly heading out alongside Andy. The weather was warmer than we had all hoped, 70', I had literally packed a suitcase of clothes to change into. The heat and humidity would present a lot of sweating, chaffing and funky smells. 

 It felt like I was running with friends,  "HI Anita!" I would hear someone greet me as we all were running down our first hill. Shirley, Mark, Robin, Zane, Connie, Antonio, Joe, Cristine, Ryan, Mary and Elizabeth to name a few of my running friends out there equally as stoked as I was. 

Nothing mattered the first few loops, I was too aroused by the enthusiasm all around me.

I thought how I shouldn't be out there, I embraced a few moments of gratitude. 2 years out from cancer, 1 year out from knee surgery and less than 3 weeks post Covid. 

I ran next to Andy for those first few loops able to share this intimate thought with him. The Lord wasn't finished me yet! 

"Hold on, Hold on, He'll get you through this..."

Andy and I were running the same race with all together different goals.  I was so HYPER. I was a little wild out there and struggling to dial it back. I attach to good energy and good spirits and the runners at Bear Lake were all kinds of wound up right along with me. I was like a kid in a candy store, running distracted and bouncing through the trails like Tigger. 

Andy took off at the aid station without me and I tucked in behind Antonio and his friend Matt who was running his first ultra. 

I had set my watch to alarm me NOT at miles but rather at loops. Every 3.1 miles it would show me my time. 

I was aiming for 35-40 minute miles until I reached 50 miles. 

If I could hold that then I would readjust my time to 42-50 minute miles. IF a BIG FAT "if" I could hold this I would have enough time banked I should get between 86-90 miles. 

After about the 6 loop, I never saw Andy out there again.  I ran several loops with Antonio who's mission was to pace his friend Matt. 

The sun stayed behind the clouds but it was heating up. I was heating up and running with my hand held that I was filling up every loop, praying I wouldn't cramp up like I did at Loopty Loops. 

To follow tradition, I ran through the aid station yelling "MARCOOO, YEAH YEAH YEAH Bib #491!!" 

"Shoot for the moon my dear, so you took aim out of the atmosphere.."

The sky was looking dark for only 6pm. I was hitting my target pace but there was this background noise rattling in my head space. I started question not just my goals but also my abilities. The hills were as evil going up as they were going down. Most of the runners still looked fresh as I was beginning to fade.  I was doing good eating and drinking but the reality was my smile wasn't quite the same, nothing was the same. I hadn't taken a lot of sitting breaks because I was too eager I would loose time, or would struggle to get back out there. 

I came into the aid station smiling for everyone else but somehow Andy and I didn't connect nearly as nice. He had quit running, took a shower and chilled for a little bit when I saw him a little after 10 hours of running. I wasn't so fresh. I had these expectations that were not being met and I was trying so hard to keep my spirits up. It was probably my worst loop. Andy was concerned I was going to fast and rather than encourage me he was scolding me. My body was breaking down, my spirits were crushed and my attitude had really flipped. I was a brat! 

I was ready to QUIT. 

"Between high stakes and pump fakes, Your feeling like you can't vibrate...MOVE, keep walking' soldier, keep movin' on.." 

The voices of discouragement, embarrassment, and resentments crashed into each other.  I walked by "The Box of Hopes and Dreams" that Rob (the race director) had surprised me with. It is literally a garbage box with my name on it from my write up last year. It is on a hill that you are so depleted you feel like you could fill it with all you hopes and dreams and at that moment that truth was haunting me. 

I was so upset it took everything in me to just WALK. Right foot, left foot, I couldn't let emotion trip me up. I knew I had to get a grip. I kept walking, I walked almost a whole mile. I had a slice of cheese pizza in my hand that was so delicious. I felt the emotional dust begin to settle. I counseled myself in prayer. God spoke to me in my weakness telling me to "RESET".  A word I had heard used in a bible study at BARN45 the week before. 

2 miles later I was back at the aid station ready to RESET and recover. Andy cautiously approached me and I smiled and said "Hi, I am sorry...." 

"Hold on, Hold on, He'll get you through.."

I was so close to 50 miles. I went into the bathroom and screamed bloody murder after going pee. I was chaffed in all my special places. I needed a wardrobe change and a lot of cream! 

Andy did inventory of all the food I was consuming trying to make sure I was getting enough calories. I sat down and chilled out, letting go of my obsession with the clock. 

2 slices of pizza, a tray of grapes, a coconut muffin, an entire orange compliments of the fastest orange peeler in the world, Shirley M, pretzel bites, corn on the cob, pickles, potatoes and this amazing hot dog.  I stayed away from anything sugary, especially after watching Joe looking pale after eating half a BIG bag of Skittles!  I did however sip on Mountain Dew and Coke for energy. I only eat whole food on ultras, I stay away from Gu's, and chews I have witnessed to many runners get sick overeating on simple carbs loaded with sugar. 

I changed my clothes, washed the funky smells off me, and got excited all over again. I had to hold on a little longer, my pacer was going to be showing up in the next couple hours. 

" Help is on the way Roundin the corner.." 

I had texted Rachel Thursday afternoon before the race to ask her if she would pace me. I just stared at my phone waiting for her response....

It was 8 minutes later but felt like eternity. "I'd be honored...." 

I would take anything she had for me. 

I was coming through the parking lot sometime around 9 and I heard her voice and saw her smile in the dark, RACHEL! I was elated. I had been running by myself for miles, I was getting tired, I had no idea how many loops had done I was so loopy. 

I could tell Andy was getting tired, Rachel came at the perfect time. Rachel joined me somewhere around my mile 63. I had over an hour banked. I was tuckering out, my loops were going to get longer and I knew I would be using my banked time. 

MY concerns were how many mile could Rachel give me, she had only ran 1 double digit run since we ran North Country at the end of August! I was just so grateful! 

Rachel joined me before I crashed!  My belly was hungry but nothing looked good. Rachel found a tray of fresh pancakes, it was exactly what I didn't know I wanted!  

I was struggling with words to say so I would try to spark conversations Rachel could talk to me about, her daughters homecoming, her photoshoot....I just need her to keep me moving, keep me awake, and keep me entertained.

I recited all the places the hills went up and the hills went down, she learned them fast. As we were coming down the worst hill on the first mile I let out a scream, a rock was in my shoe that sent a stabbing pain through my toe. The pain was so bad I had to sit down in the middle of the hill. As we inspected my shoe we realized it wasn't a rock it was a blister that busted. I had no idea how I was going to tread down the hill let alone run the next 2 miles. 

I hobbled toward the paved section in between the cabins as Rachel texted Andy I was going to need Band-Aids and could he meet us at the truck, I could hardly even walk.  Coming through the cabins this guy literally drops out of the sky, well at least out of nowhere with tape and gauze He was literally my TRAIL ANGEL. He helped take my socks and shoes off, he even cleaned my gnarly sandy toes as he bandaged me up. And as quick and mysterious as he came he was gone. 

And I was all put back together again!

Andy got the sleeping bag and was curled up in it when we would arrive. He would wake up to write my times in, help me and wouldn't argue when I headed back out quickly. That banked time was dissolving fast like me! 

A little after midnight, Rob the Race Director asked if he could run a loop with us. "AHH YES!!" I was so excited he wanted to run with us that I forgot I was falling apart! Rob joined in with fun conversation and positive vibes. And if one loop wasn't a refresher, he ended up skipping an hour of sleep for another loop of running before he snuck off for a couple hours of sleep somewhere around 3am. 

"I know your prayers ain't been answered yet, I know your feelin like you got nothing left, Well Lift your head, it ain't over yet.."

I tried not to get discouraged when I added the hours of running I still had to do, 5 more hours. 

I kept asking Rachel how she was doing and she never waivered with "Good, I feel good..." 

Rachel pulled out her little box of tricks, MUSIC! She put in a playlist of hip hop, a little naughty and a little rock and then TobyMac came on....."Keep Movin'...." From that point we listened to mostly praise and worship songs. We laughed, we sang, and we kept moving. 

"Rachel, don't let me stop, lets get through this aid station..." I wasn't running into the aid stations like I had been but I was still smiling and yelling with joy. 

Rachel had ran more than a marathon. She had learned the trail and coaxed me where to run. "Ok, lets try to run", I would swallow back the pain on the flats and try to stay as steady as I could. 

Rachel and I discussed how much more she could give me. With the hours closing in on 5am, I started to get "Horses to the barn." I had enough wits in me that I realized that if I could pick up the next 2 loops, getting them finished before 7am, I would be able to hopefully squeak in a final loop. Only a handful of us runners were still on the course, at this point whoever is still out there is clearly competing. It was at this point I knew I too was competing and my adrenaline kicked in. 

Rachel was beginning to feel the abuse of the trail but she stayed so strong holding our pace and running the trail more than we had been. We hit those 2 loops as 2 of our fastest loops together.  I told Rachel to get me to those loops and I would run the last one alone. 

"No, no, I told Andy I would see you through..." Rachel responded. '

"Rachel, You did more than see me through, you got me through, now you will see me through at the finish line....gave me more than you ever thought you could and more than I ever thought you could to.." 

We came in to the aid station and the volunteers still were cheering me on. 

I sat down completely exhausted and totally giddy. I was surrounded by so much LOVE. Robin Cristine, Mary, Rachel and Andy all covered me with encouragement . "Anita, you have an hour and 20 minutes, you can walk it!"  Cristine shares with me. These ladies all came BACK out supporting me, believing in me and helping me. Rachel got in front of me and shared the plan to get it done. Andy was overflowing with excitement for me. I got my butt off the chair and headed to the course. 

 Rob looked at me, right in the eyes "You going back out there?" And as if he already knew the answer I said "YES". 

3 miles is all I had to do. The sun was coming up as I just walked. I walked almost all of the first mile.

 I tucked my headlamp away and tried to run the flats.  I took the quiet time to do what Rachel had suggested, take it all in and reflect. 

I  did a little running, I did a little more walking and I did a lot of reflecting. 

Agony in the Victory.

This is how Andy described my finish. Everything hurt so bad, my toes had multiple hot spots and blisters, my quads were screaming, my fingers were swelling but I had finished better than I had planned, I had ran ran 93 miles! I was 4th overall and 1st female! All the things I had overcome in the past 2 years were a dress rehearsal for this. Not just the agony of the race but all the suffering I have done. COUNT it all JOY. 

Congrats to all the runners, all their goals being met, Thank you to all the volunteers, the timing company was incredible, the cabins at Bear lake were great, I honestly can not say enough but "I'll BE BACK! 

AWESOME RACE SWAG! Thank you ROB! 

ANITA~

BEAR Lake Ultra T- 2 days.

 “All great achievements require time.” Maya Angelou

I am just having one of those days I can not quit smiling. Not because everything is perfect. Not because I am having a good hair day (I haven't even had a shower today).Not because the sun is shining (its actually day 4 of gloomy Michigan weather). And not because I had a great run (I actually struggled terribly on my run today). But I am still smiling!

 "Let us not grow weary in well-doing, for in due time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  Gal.6:9

Truth be told it has been a very busy week. I am only on day 17 from being diagnosed with Covid and even though life is back on the saddle, I am riding a little tilted. My body, primarily my belly has not recovered very well. My energy is coming back and the heaviness in my lungs is not as prominent as it was last week, therefore the show must go on!

This past weekend, we took off for a couple nights to camp in Petosky, it was so wonderful. 

Monday morning, I was able to join Joy at Barn45 for our bible study in Colossians, Monday night, I attended her bible study in Haggai, Tuesday I worked and went directly to addiction recovery night at church, then Wednesday, Joy and I did our bible study at 9am again and off to work I went, home again at almost 9pm. I was still upright and in overall good spirits. There has just been so many things to smile about. 

So today was a quieter day. 

I was about 2 steps behind Rachel on our run this morning. For 7 miles, we talked about the goodness of God. We glorified Him in the good and the bad. We were reminded of the many times we could have given up but we never did. The times we were discouraged, the times we were tired, the times life didn't go the way we planned but we never gave up and were able to watch God working things out better than anything we had planned. And then there are times when God worked things out that were not so comfortable for us BUT we were able to see him moving, see His miracles MORE in our misfortunes, mishaps and misunderstandings.

"Being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you might have great endurance and patience.." Col 1:11

Great Endurance and PATIENCE....

So Saturday is Bear Lake Ultra. I would be lying if I didn't have a few concerns. It's a 24 hour race designed with 1 aid station surrounded by a 3 mile loop in the woods somewhere in Lapeer.  

Just RUN and RUN and run, add some walking, some breaks but keep moving forward for 24 hours. 

I have about 1 concern for every MILE! 

This verse is everything I am going to need for the long haul. 

I am going to need a whole lot of endurance and patience. Slow and steady. I got a little rattled on our 7 mile run this morning when I felt like road kill with a half beating heart. 

Today, in my weakness, in my concerns, in my healing body I had to remind myself that God is the source of patience and endurance and His supply is infinite. 

Saturday race from todays outlook appears so close to impossible. Running for 24 hours from todays perspective makes me quiver. 

It perplexes me how my body will sustain momentum through the rain, through the humidity, through the sludge of trails for hours and hours. It concerns me the amount of suffering I will have to endure to finish 24 hours later. 

This is life. So many mountains we all are facing. Today, I am reminded to stay focused on just showing up. Then going one mile at a time, one hour at a time but stay focused with patience. 

God is my source of strength, by myself the task looks daunting and to difficult to accomplish in my current condition but knowing I have to be patient with my body and not give up gives me confidence and even excitement to get out there! 

“Trust the process. Your time is coming. Just do the work and the results will handle themselves.” Tony Gaskins

Anita~

How many miles do you think I will get in 24 hours??? Closest to THE HOLE WINS!

I really hope there are no cameras out there.....

ONE of my CONCERNS! 

Another ROUND

 "So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air."

 1 Cor. 9:26

Have you ever watched a boxing match and one guy is just getting pulverized? And you say to yourself, "Just stay down!" 

But he doesn't. 

I think maybe that is a trait I have grown accustomed to, not staying down. 

Going another round

Tuesday, I was diagnosed with Covid. A slight headache and a huge prodding from the holy spirit to get tested. 

I found myself quarantined to a 10'10'  spare bedroom. This is where I have resided the last 8 days. 

• No fever in 4 days.
• I had the monoclonal antibodies.
• I finished 1 packet of steroids 
• I have read 1 novel.
• I have listened to countless podcasts
• I watched one tv series.
• Watched 3 sermons.
• I painted a half dozen rocks.
• Sunday, I ran 5 miles
• Monday, I ran 10 miles
• Today I walked 3miles. 

And so we get back up and get back in the ring of life. We can't stay down for long. 

We don't cry "Poor Me". 

More like "Why not me?" 

If I wanted to sulk I have plenty of circumstances that I could juggle and let steal my Joy but that isn't a option. 

I have Bear Lake Ultra in 11 days! 

I am grateful the weekend before I was diagnosed I was able to run 40 miles, a 20 miler, a 15 miler and a 5 miler. 

My training is a bit botched but I am not throwing in the towel. I am going another round. 

I was very fatigued after I ran both times and I could feel more struggle to get my heart rate down. In those moments of being winded, I would add a walk break and try to listen to my body. 

The little things:

If you can not find joy in the little things you will not appreciate the big things. 

Before my feet ever touch the backroads I was grinning from ear to ear. 

It is beautiful out. I get to feel the warm sun against my skin. I get to smell the sweetness of the breeze as it gently blows my hair. 

I am aware of the birds chirping and the black-eyed Susan's hidden in the fields. 

I am all present. I am all in. I am able. And I am capable. 

My vision is not on my sickness, the missed opportunities or the events cancelled. My thoughts are not going down that rabbit hole. I need to keep my chin up, stay positive and keep fighting. 

Where is my perspective, my vision, it is on the dream. 

If I was going to get Covid, this was a perfect week to get it! 

11 days, a 24 hour race. This was going to be my "A Race" of the year. Every race I did was designed to build up to Bear Lake. 

I am back up, by the grace of God I am running again. I am wiping the salt from my brow and getting back in the ring. 

I have no idea what Bear Lake will look like but for now, I optimistic. I am not going to overthink it. I reached out to Ryan L. He had Covid back in April and ran 2 weeks later. I am very encouraged by this.

I may have gotten knocked down this week but God has realigned me. He is strengthening me. He is equipped me.  He is for me. He is on the sidelines cheering me on and reminding me to get back out there. 

This week has been a sentimental week. 

September 22 was my fathers birthday. He died at 48. 

September 25 was 2 YEARS cancer free!

September 27 was my mothers birthday. She died at 52. 

As I celebrated my 2 years in the middle of both birthdays, I wondered if my parents would be proud of me? 

I wanted to scream out to them, "I FOUGHT mom and dad, I Fought so hard mom and dad, I fought for you, I fought for you when you were weak, I fought for you when you were alone, I fought when the fight didn't seem worth fighting,,, I FOUGHT, I fought mom and dad..." 

I can see them...so far away..."..you did my daughter, when we quit fighting you never quit...." 

And so, In 11 days, I will fight again. I will run for 24 hours. I will beat myself up, I will suffer, I will torture myself because I am reminded to FIGHT.  It is in those dark disturbing moments I am so empty, I am so depleted that I Hear God so loud, I feel God so passionately. It is in my weakness, that I am strong in Him. 

Most of us are actively fighting for things that have already been given to us. I wish I could have taught that to my parents. 

Anita~

"I do because I can, I can because I want to, I want to because you said I couldn't." 

AND Know.

Be Still and Know. 

 In my quiet place, my mind tends to wander. I can really have a hay day dissecting myself. 

Many of us do if we are honest. 

I find myself so needy even at 47, an age where I should have it all together and be secure in myself but I am emotionally flailing in a sea of historical baggage. 

When we are intentionally trying to be just a lil bit better, Satan is reminding us we are so unworthy. 

Maybe it is in the words of another, or maybe it is in social media, or maybe it is in your profession so many areas that can lead to unworthiness. 

It is in that murkiness we feel insufficient, defective, unworthy, incapable, we feel less than, unwanted, unacceptable and the list goes on. 

Emotionally unstable and fragile I am doing my best to sift through all those damaging lies. I am teetering back and forth on God's truth and the baggage of life. 

I am trying to figure myself out. Or maybe I am trying to justify myself and my actions, confused by even myself. I am letting the words of others become my truth and I am drowning in my own emotional vomit.  

So I wrestle with my past. I want to understand why I am the way I am. We try to figure ourselves out. 

As many of us do. 

And it hurts, so deeply that I am tormented. I feel so exposed, so vulnerable. 

Those moments as a child I wanted so bad to feel secure, excited to come home and share my day. And the smell of weed and Budweiser drifted through the door. 

Then lets add foster homes to a small 7 year old. 

It wasn't necessarily being in a foster home as a child that was so bad (although it was) it was so much worse being there because you felt unwanted, unloved, abandoned....It was the emotional damage that destroyed my security. 

Or maybe it was losing my father as a young child. 

Or maybe it was losing my mom as a teenager. 

You are left alone. My formative years make a train wreck look like a fender bender. 

Those feelings are feelings that you carry with you. That Satan finds this crack in your armor and thrashes you with lies. 

Telling you that you are alone. 

Telling you that no one loves you. 

Telling you that you don't fit in or your not welcome. 

Telling you that you are lacking and defective and good for no one, not even yourself.

It's exhausting. 

Col 2:10 " and in Him you have been made complete and He is the head over all rule and authority." 

I have to be reminded that HE has completed me. 

This was my verse I was supposed to do along side Joy this week. 

But I got sick. God knew I was going to struggle this week. He was preparing me, he was leading me in my broken spirit back to Him. 

I wrote my notes but never thought I would be applying them so soon. 

And my sweet niece, Becca sent me her devotion that aligned up with my broken spirit. 

And Joy sent me a sermon today that held my hand with comfort. 

In this world, I have to remember, God knows my history, God knows my intentions, God knew me before ANYONE else ever knew me. Psalm 139:13-16

I am HIS, always, and in everyway, John 1:12

I am made in His image, Gen:1:27

That He knows my every detail, Luke 12:7

And I am COMPLETE in HIM. Col 2:10.

When this world fails you, when you fail yourself, when you are seeking the approval of others, when you are struggling with some baggage from a lifetime ago or just yesterday BE reminded God never fails. 

All those places, all those people, all those events, all those expectations will NEVER be complete you. Only HE completes you. 

Only He secures you.

Only He provides all the truth of life.

He builds us up, strengthens us. when this world wants to kill Rob and destroy us.  

Anita~

I just love Shelby Girl, she sent me Gods sweet words to me last night. She is an amazing encourager. It is the little things like this that bring so much life. 

Season of Pause

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jer. 29:11

Over the course of almost 3 years, life as I "knew" it has drastically changed. 

From cancer to covid, from changing churches to changing my work schedule, from changing my routines to changing my time management, so much of me is not the same and will never be. 

The last couple years God has set me in a pause mode. 

I did my fair share of kicking and screaming. I pouted, cried, complained and even emotionally land blasted life. 

In my grief of not wanting to let go of things I bargained and pleaded with God.

But God had a plan for me. The more I fought, the harder I fought, the more God disabled me. He needed me to "Be Still". 

He removed friendships, He removed routines, He removed passions, He removed me from everything BUT HIM. 

When God trusted me with myself He slowly began rebuilding me. He had to break me from myself. To build me up in Him.

And it hurt. Real Bad. 

This afternoon as I drove down the back roads of Highland, the music of Lauren Daigle and Elevation sang through my speakers and tears streamed down my face. 

I cried humble broken tears. They just kept flowing from deep in my brokenness. 

Today life changed again for me. 

I have been asked to do a new ministry. A ministry to touch ladies, to speak Gods word, to speak of His Hope, His love, His Good News. To be an encouragement to ladies along side my sister in Christ, Joy in her ministry Barn45. 

I cried because I have no qualifications. I am a nothing. I have no formal education. I am not a bible scholar, I have no seminary degree, I can't even post a blog without multiple grammatical errors. 

I came from nothing. I survived a train wreck of a childhood. If there was ever something I could say I was good at, it would be making mistakes and surviving chaos, much of which I created over the course of 47 years. 

I live a simple life, with simple things. Extraordinarily ordinary. 

I have great qualifications for learning how to survive but when did that ever qualify you for a job? 

I cried because God KNEW. He knew He had a plan for me. He knew because He was preparing me. In my "little while times", in my "be still and know" times He was qualifying me for His time. 

As I learned to live in pause I learned to live in peace with Gods plan for me. 

So I say this here, I find myself humbled again. That God can use our mess for His message. 

That God can use the unqualified and qualify them. 

That God can use our brokenness and break ground on us.  

So many times in the few years I was chasing heaven, begging and pleading with God, but all the time Heaven was chasing me. 

Anita~