Lil bit more.

I saw this lil lovergirl on my bike ride this week.  

I ran 7 miles yesterday, running was not a responsible option for today. It was exciting for me yesterday but I needed to calm myself down. 

So  I gutted out an hour of biking today. 

Just trying to get a lil bit more.

With my headphones in I tried to drown out my wincing, whining and whimpering. I looked down at my speed and tried to get my pipsqueak legs to turn the peddles over faster. As I looked at my legs I tried not to get discouraged at the atrophy in my muscles. My nephew, Glenn, said that maintaining 14mph on a mountain bike was pretty good. It didn't feel pretty good and I didn't think I was maintaining that!

The cars flew by me kicking up dust and dirt adding to my misery. 

Melissa and I met to run with GFAC, Ryan ran a few a couple miles with us. It felt so good to get to run. 

I am still sleeping in my splint. I am not free from the annoyances PF brings but I am getting more grace. 

I am getting more miles. A lil bit more. 

I had to give myself a little emotional time out. I am good at giving others grace but I am not gentle with myself. 

This week, I took myself back to last year. While the rest of the world moves forward,  I find myself looking back gathering a year of cancer. 

I looked back at my yesterdays. 

God carried me in my ugliest, weakest and emptiest days. 

I had used up all my humanly resources but Gods resources never expired or ran out. 

Ashamed of my tantrums over the last several weeks I quietly asked God for just a lil bit more. 

Just a lil bit. Enough to keep my humble. Enough to encourage me. Enough to Glorify Him. 

Just a lil bit more Strength.

Just a lil bit more Patience. 

Just a lil bit more Courage. 

Just a lil bit more Mercy. 

Just a lil bit more Endurance. 

Just a lil bit more Healing. 

No, I didn't ask for a lil bit more running, or a lil bit more biking. That is just a bi-product.  I need more of the invisible. 

Col 1:11 " Strengthened with all power according to His Glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience." 

I am going to try to get 11 miles in tomorrow of trails. 

Just a lil bit more. 

Anita

A BIG SHOUT OUT TO ALICE WHO HAS BEEN BATTLING BREAST CANCER, SHE GOT HER SAMPLES BACK FROM HER BREAST SURGERY AND THEY CAME BACK NO CARCINOMA!!

The things I have to stop to take a photo of riding my bike. I laughed at this one. 

By the Grace of God; Virtual Crim 2020

I have lost track of how many Crims I have ran. All I really know is that I have been on a streak for over 13 years. The only Crim that I have ever missed was my very first one! Mom, Dad and the boys all drove me up to race it in the middle of a rain storm. I coughed and hacked all the way up there only to cry all the way down. I was very sick, I actually had pneumonia and a lot of denial. 

Last year I ran it with chemo thick in my blood, Carbo Platinum and Taxol. I was bald and sick but stubborn. I ran with everything I had, which wasn't much and it wiped me out the rest of the day. I never let on how sick I was, I always told myself to just "Keep Smiling". 

One year ago, on the way home from running The Crim, I was so sick. 

This year due to Covid most races have either chosen to cancel or go virtual. Even though I am no longer battling breast cancer I am still battling. I am battling the effects cancer and chemo wounded me with. 

Run, walk, crawl I was not going to loose my streak. Almost 5 weeks out from meniscus surgery and on the mends from plantar fasciitis, I was determined to keep the streak alive. 

 

THE VIRTUAL CRIM 2020

Psalm 27:14 " Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

 

The Crim has been a Flint favorite since 1977. It typically attracts over 50,000 runners and spectators but this year the streets were empty. The 43 annual HAP Crim would be virtual this year. 

Lacey picked Melissa and I up to tow the line at 8am. You could  have shot a canyon through the streets. I had really expected to see more runners but the Crim Foundation had really discouraged runners from coming into Flint to run the blue line course. 

I was not sure what my body was going to allow me to do but I was mentally prepared to suffer if I had to. 

"God is seldom early but he is never late" as the saying goes. 

One week ago my feet were as damaged as they had been for months. But on this day and the few days prior my feet began to love me again.

Lacey, Melissa and I found the blue line and began to follow it. 

They typically paint this line every year for the runners but not this year. The faded blue line had many spots missing or barely visible.  

Laughing and running we found ourselves on part of the course that was foreign to us and we had led others in the same direction. We caught our mistake, realizing we were on a very old and retired part of the course and turned around! 

It was sad to not have any of the traditional course entertainment out there. However, just as we reminisced we saw the famous champagne corner guy out there! I am not a drinker so I had to celebrate with a picture. We were all so excited. 

The temperatures began to rise and so did our spirits as we were encouraged by little aid stations people put out for us runners determined to keep our tradition alive. 

As I ran I thought, "If only they knew how much this meant, they were not just supporting us few runners they were supporting this broken runner and cancer survivor." I thought deeply.  My circumstances to get to the starting line were not an easy feat, my body over the course of the last 16 months has been challenged but my heart has been passionate. They had no idea how much being on champagne corner meant to me even if I never took a sip or how much that man watering his lawn meant as I dipped into his stream to cool myself down. Or to the residence that created a aid station with ice water, what an encouragement that would be to this cancer survivor who was blessed with another Crim. 

I take nothing for granted. I have an on time God. I have not been able to run for months and God blessed me with another Crim. He healed my body from a very aggressive breast cancer, he healed me from knee surgery just weeks ago and help to release my plantar fasciitis this week to allow me this beautiful moment, The Crim. 

I get to celebrate ANOTHER CRIM! It didn't matter how fast I ran, or whether I walked it or crawled, I GOT TO experience it another year. By the Grace of God go I.  

The Finish Line, The Bricks. 

photo credit Lacey R

Psalm 27:14 " Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

Anita~

The CAT LADY! She just reached in and grabbed me! So much for social Distancing! 

phot credit Lacey R.

 

Inspired.

"How long should you try? Until. " Jim Rohn

Almost 4 weeks post meniscus surgery I have been beyond patient but fear has kept me from lacing up my running shoes. Well fear and this plantar fasciitis. 

But on Sunday I found myself running awkwardly behind a half naked Andrew, and not my Andrew! 

Andy was running a race that I was crewing and volunteering at when "Andrew" shirtless approaches me and asks if I want to run a couple miles. It was hot out so I didn't think to much about it but I was in a pair of hiking shorts and a tank top. 

"I don't know if I can...." I gave a few excuses more. 

But shirtless Andrew wasn't listening, In his Welch accent he said "Oh, c'mon, we will go slow, take walk breaks if you need to...." 

Next thing I know I am chasing shirtless Andrew through the woods at Holly Rec! 

And 2 miles was actually over 5! 

With a mile left, we calculated that we would literally run into both of our spouses running the race any moment. 

OH and did WE! 

Andy looked at me like a deer in head lights, "ANITA! Are you RUNNING?!" 

Then right behind him Sarah, "Your Running?" 

I was laughing so hard as I chased shirtless Andrew out of the trail. 

Because I WAS! I was literally running and felt good. 

I was secretly laughing at the sight of me running with a half naked man through the trails but I was soo happy Andrew had asked me to run. I didn't want to be a wuss and turn back and with each mile I was getting more confident as my trail legs came back. 

The race was incredible, WTG Sarah M for another victory out there at Ode to Laz. This girl is amazing, tough as nails, stubborn as hell and as genuine as they come. 

Andy hit 40 miles, EPIC, the farthest he has ever done! I loved crewing him and making him go another round. He was a Rockstar. 

All these runners, the athleticism, the perseverance, the pain and grit just fueled my fire. 

I ordered a splint for my Plantar fasciitis and I have been sleeping in it the last few days. 

This morning my feet felt a little better. I decided I was going to go for it. 

I stretched, rolled then jumped on the bike to warm up, 6 miles on the back roads.

With sweat dripping after less then 30 minutes I quickly changed and headed out to run another 5. 

Nothing hurt but my heart was beating like it hadn't in months, I LOVED IT. 

I wanted to run and run and never stop. With each mile I found myself pushing it just a little bit, I hit the hills determined to run them and I DID. 

I got a text from Aunt Lois in Chicago telling me she was thinking of me, it was Wednesday and I always saw maw maw on Wednesday. Tears flowed down my cheeks, my chest tightened and I couldn't breath, my heart ached for her. She passed away on the 7th, she was 96 years old. 

I  dug deeper as I approached another hill, I swallowed hard and smiled thinking of maw maw "Lord Nita, did you already run today? I don't know how you do it...." Maw maw would always say this to me. I wiped my tears and smiled. Then I ran harder. 

I felt incredible. 5 miles. I thought of Sarah running over 116 miles and Andy running 40 miles, I thought of their pain and their perseverance, I was so inspired. I thought of how "shirtless Andrew got me to run 5 miles, the only thing stopping me was me at that point. 

It may be a slow go but I am not giving up. My body has been through Hell and back, my mind has visited some very dark places and my heart has been broken, but I am not giving up. 

I am coming out of the Juniper Tree. Like Elijah, it is time to get back out there. I have been on my pity pot long enough. 1Kings 19:5

Life is hard, God never promised sunshine and rainbows. I cant give up, I may just have to do it differently but I am not quitting. 

"Our Greatest weakness lies in giving up,. The most certain way to succeed is alwasy to try one more time." Thomas Edison

Anita~

The Peacock Feather

3 miles from home, I peddled to the corner of Quick road and Fish Lake road to drop off a bottle of water for Andy. 

I wanted to run so bad but I was grateful to have my bike back and the ability to at least bike in my recovery from meniscus surgery. 

I peddled that bike with all I had. Grunting, panting I just kept turning over my feet. As I came to the corner, I saw a young kid running shirtless towards me. He ran effortlessly, his countenance with peaceful. I waited for him to pass to hide Andys water in the tall grass. "Good Job" I encouraged the young runner as he floated past me. 

In an instant, I recognized him as one of my CC athletes I coached at Holly Academy. But he didn't recognize me. 

Emotions immediately erupted. 

"It was just yesterday..." I cried. My throat closed up, I couldn't catch my breath, I was falling apart.

"He didn't know it was me, it was just yesterday....." 

I was his coach for 2 years, he would look up at me with these sweet eyes clutching every word I shared. "Coach Harless can I run with you?".  

It was just yesterday I was running with him, or so it felt. He didn't recognize me. My long dark flowing hair is gone, replaced with tightly woven chemo curls. The rich brown hair is muted with thick gray patches barely touching my shoulders. Here I am biking, it was just yesterday I was running with him, it was just yesterday he would have known me...Oh how so much has changed. The last he saw me he had gotten teary eyed when I told my team I had breast cancer. I remember looking right at him and encouraging him I was not going to quit fighting the same way I never wanted him to quit. 

Tears flowed down my cheeks, "It was just yesterday..." I sobbed. 

God I miss my yesterdays.

The month of July was not my best month. Truth be told I think it may may been the worst month for me in the last 15 months. 

Between struggling with Plantar Fasciitis in both feet, more booby surgeries than I expected, (How do those little things get so much attention is beyond me!) meniscus surgery and not being able to run, ride my bike or go to the gym my world got darker with each passing day. 

In my emotional despair and my physical agony my  sister in law reached out to me with the most  inspirational text. It was perfect timing, Gods timing. 

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.”
― Emily Dickinson 

The Peacock; Debs devotional to me. 

" I believe God gave me this for you today...….I truly believe the Lord gave me this word to encourage you and with prayer lift you up to encouragement. 

We were walking in this little park in Frankenmuth today. There was this tiny fence even enclosed the roof. Inside the attachment of the fence were two beautiful peacocks, a couple morning doves and a few nasty pigeons LOL. 

As I admired the beautiful peacock I admired his shed feathers that laid on the ground. Nita, they were so intricate and beautiful! Glistened with gold, green and blue, they changed color as the breeze lightly blew their quills.  

"I mentioned to Bruce how badly I would love to have one of those feathers, I even, in my heart, said Lord I'd love to have one of those feathers. But every single one of them was just out of reach for us to grab through the fencing. I praised the Lord in my heart for the beauty that e create in such a loud and dirty bird. But, in my heart I still longed for that long flowing beauty that the peacock had shed and it laid wasting away on the ground. 

We headed back to the camp ground and stopped at a little diner right at the entrance of the campground. It is about 17-20 miles away from Frankenmuth where I saw that beautiful feather. Bruce and I ate lunch. As we left, I noticed a beautiful color in the grass. It was just in front of Bruce's truck. I was absolutely awestruck to see a peacock feather sitting at my feet about 20 miles aways from where I had desired that little piece of beauty. 

It brought me literally to tears! The Lord spoke to me and remined me how faithful He is! He's not just faithful when we need healing from a torn meniscus! He's not just faithful in curing cancer! He's not just faithful in painful graphs to repair scars and imperfection! His faithfulness is as simple as a feather! He always gives us the desires of our hear! We simply may not know exactly what that looks like at the time. He just asks us to trust His process. He wants us to trust the good and be excepting and even joyful in the bad...He wants us to remember He is a God that desires to grow us, mold us, tear us down, build us up, bend us, break us and the whole time He knows that at the end of our journey He is a beautiful feather just waiting as a reminder of how faithful He was all through the journey. 

I love you so much, I know you are tired. I know you are weary. I know you want to give up. I know you want to withdraw. I know you don't want to be strong. I know you don't think you can. But sister, this feather is for you and it is sent STRAIGHT FROM Heaven to remind us that our God does not care just about our "big" needs. He wants to remind us of how faithful He is in the little things.  Don't discount feathers from Heaven, Love you to feathers." 

Gods Timing. This text from Deb inspired me, encouraged me and reminded me. 

I wanted to share this person note to some of you that might me struggling. 

Today, as I sobbed down Fish Lake rode, barely able to breath from all that has happened in just a blink of an eye I remembered The Peacock Feather. So much can change in so little time, and often the change we want is not timely at all but in the end it is ALL HIS TIMING. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today is 2 weeks out from meniscus surgery. If you have been questioning doing this...DO IT! Dr. Lewis met with me today for my follow up. I was concerned because yesterday at work my knee kept locking up on me and giving me a lot of grief. I shared this with Dr Lewis and he laughed. "Anita, you just had surgery 2 weeks ago! Give your body time, your knee looks great, hardly any swelling and look at your pictures." Dr Lewis grabbed his Ipad and proceeded to share the photos from surgery. "I took about 90% of your meniscus, if you look there you will see you do not have much left, but you still have some left and your cartilage looks great along with you bones, it was a very large tear...."  

I told him I haven't ran but I have biked, camped and hiked. He smiled and said "That's fine!" 

Anita~

Peace: A Verb.

Peace. The quiet place where we are void of movement?
Where we feel content in the midst of chaos?
Where the sparrow rests between the cliffs amongst a raging storm?
Is PEACE a verb?
Most of us seek unknowingly this thing called PEACE.

Our darkness is still and quiet with an overwhelming tension hidden in its depths.
We can't see it, but OH, we can feel it. Our anxious hearts tremble unknowingly.
Our seas appear so calm but there is an under current just below the surface waiting to capture us.

I was reading in Colossians , "Let the PEACE of Christ rule in your hearts."
We think of PEACE as inactivity, but it is very much a verb.
Christs PEACE is not a passive absence of chaos or conflict rather a mediator in the middle of the circumstance that causes us anguish.

Christs PEACE is not a denial of chaotic circumstances but a commitment to the fact that HE is enough for ALL your circumstances.

I sit quietly these days in some kind of "recovery".  I have hours and hours alone. Painting rocks, thinking, grieving and questioning. I am too broken to kick and scream so I sit and calmly paint my little rocks. My mind settles in the details.

Austin says to me the other day smirking,  "Mom, I have noticed you are so much calmer now that you paint rocks." I just looked at him sideways. He also told me I am aging at the same rate as our 11 year old boxer, Sheba. So yeah.

The definition of INSANITY is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
Staying in this darkness is not working.
The waves keep crashing, leaving me lifeless, sad, so sad. Sensitive. Like a really bad sun burn, everything hurts so bad.

In my chaos, I chose to keep my last surgery on the down low. Depression leads to isolation, that's just where I was at. Seriously, 2 surgeries in 11 days.
Unless you called or you asked, I didn't tell.
******
PEACE: Collision
Lacey called me 2 days before my surgery. I was very cryptic answering her questions. She knew something was going on. "Anita, why are you acting so weird? What aren't you telling me?"
Apathetically, I told her I had surgery again on Tuesday.
We conversed a little more with her finishing up with "Monday, I am picking you up at 7:30am and I will drop you off at midnight, I will work the details out and get back with you."
I didn't have the energy to argue.

Monday, just as she promised she was in my driveway at 7:35am. And I didn't pull back home until 12:25am.
She planned an all day adventure to Lake Michigan State parks.

It felt awkward to smile, to laugh, to enjoy life again.
To share friendship again. The intimate friendship that I missed.
We hiked in the woods, we bathed in the sun, we walked quietly along the beaches, and we gazed out into the evening sunset.
I began to feel this PEACE filling me. Gently holding me in my fragility.

Tuesday Morning, I sat half naked calmly awaiting my 7th surgery in 15 months. Even when they can't locate my Covid test results or when they poke me with my IV, I peacefully just wait.
And I Pray.

Very large tear but easy surgery. It took a lot of my meniscus out but he said I would be good for "10-15 years" Our time is all borrowed, Life it fully.

I walk out of the surgery center just as Dr. Lewis promises. My sweet nurse blesses me, telling me she was going to pray for me as she held my hand to the car.

The next day I prayed. Differently. With deep faith, with hope, and contentment, some might even call PEACE.
Hobbling around, with even my feet still aching, I prayed. I needed God to give me PEACE in this process of healing, ALL over HEALING. Healing my broken body, broken heart and broken spirit.
"Let the PEACE of Christ rule in your hearts."
RULE: Reside, Govern..
No matter how bad our storm is, Christ calls us to allow HIS peace to reside in our hearts. His peace will not make our circumstances necessarily change but it will allow us to have His peace in the midst of it.
This is hard in the way I want what I want NOW. For my body to fully be healed and to get out there and get going, However, it is God timing and I CAN have HIS PEACE in the process.
His Peace to rule in my heart.



Recovery. 
Dr. Lewis told Andy I could "resume" normal activity as I felt. He didn't want me working for 10 days because I am standing upright on my feet all day.
I was so excited to get the call on Friday my bike was finally done after a month. A tune up, a new hanger, and a new derailer.
Friday I hiked at Holly rec, hiding my painted rocks.  My knee didn't hurt. My feet were annoyed.
Yesterday I BIKED! 10 miles! Not hard, not fast, but I BIKED and it didn't hurt my feet or my knee.
The swelling is about gone, but the stitches still remain.
I look like Raggedy Ann with all my stitches!

Special thanks to : 
Lacey, for our adventures.
Mom, She takes such good care of me. She hated not being able to be there for my surgery, she made the family an amazing dinner and dessert.
My niece Becca who stopped by after working all day, the day of my surgery with roses and a card.
My niece Sarah for stopping over with COFFEE from Tim Hortons and her kiddos.
Thank you for the thoughtful texts and calls the last few days. Thank you for loving me when I haven't been so lovable.

Special Thank you to Shelby, Austins Girlfriends. She sat with me last night on the deck talking about Jesus together, she confirmed this post on PEACE.
Anita~

"Our Sunset." 

Take a little piece of my heart...

I have not performed some of my greatest acts the last few weeks. I have said a few things I wish I could have taken back. 

I have thought some thoughts that were not real inspiring. 

I am just really struggling with myself. 

I had a real top notch out burst earlier this week. 

Sore and frustrated I tried to climb into bed. I squealed as my legs felt my weight collide with the mattress. I couldn't find a comfortable position due to my back also being extremely sore from the cyst Dr. Hainer removed along with the other areas he worked on. 

Quietly, I just drew back into myself. 

I sat there blankly, numb and apathetic. 

"Anita, you know, your not alone, I have been in this journey too...it hurts me to see you like this..." Andy said concerned. 

I snapped. 

"NO, NO one has been on MY JOURNEY but me! You have to watch me on YOUR JOURNEY, but its not MINE. MY journey is full of PAIN, my journey is full of bruises and surgeries and sickness, my journey doesn't let me have one day without pain. EVERYDAY I hurt, I can't walk, I can't run, I can't go to the gym, I hurt everyday. AND you can't FEEL THAT, no one can feel that but me!" I cried like a blazing lunatic. 

And instantly I saw his broken heart. I felt terrible for snapping at him. 

I can't even trust myself these days. 

Noone tells you that when you get through cancer you are not done yet. They don't tell you that getting through CANCER isn't a destination it is a process, You journey doesn't end when you ring cowbells. In many ways it is just a new chapter , Chapter 2  "Recovering from residual cancer damage". 

And it sucks. 

My friend and client Kathy came in to see me at work last week. She is 2 years post breast cancer. "Nita, I feel like a 80 year old, my body has aged so much...." I could see the deep sadness in her eyes.

It took everything to keep from crying. It was like God put her with me to encourage me, to let me know I am not alone. 

Take a little piece of my heart....

And another piece....

I found out this week I will be having 2 more surgeries. 

One of them this week. 

I cancelled all physical therapy. 

I tried to breathe. I tried to smile, often times I can convince myself everything will be better if I just keep smiling. But I found myself crying out to God. 

TAKE ANOTHER PEICE OF MY HEART NOW BABY....

Yesterday, thick with humidity, temperatures rising to the 80's, I dressed to run. I haven't ran in almost 3 weeks. My deeply bruised legs from my fat grafts have hardly allowed me to even walk. The anger, frustrations, depression and multitude of ill mannered emotions resulted in a big middle finger at life.
Break or be broken I laced my shoes up to run with Andy. 

Void of conversation, I ran following Andy on the trails at Holly Rec. I talked to myself, trying to figure out what was hurting, if it was going to cause more damage, or what I could run through when Andy turned on some music. Old school tunes, "Oh Sheila", Billy Idol "Dancing with Myself" then my favorite Janice Joplin "Take a little Piece of my Heart". 

Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. 

Oh, Oh, break it

Break another little bit of my heart now, darling

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh, oh, have another little piece of my heart now,  baby...

The song has everything to do with having a man take a piece of your heart, but for me, it was LIFE. Life keeps taking another piece of my heart. 

And I just keep trying. 

Trying to not give up. Taking a few pauses, shedding a few tears, trying to stay patient with everyone, myself included and desperately trying to not get bitter. 

 1 Peter 5:10
“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”

As I read, I am reminded to stay strong. Keep my Faith in God. God will restore me in His timing. 

I am stronger than I feel. I have been through a lot in a year, more than some people could do in a lifetime. I can't fall apart now. 

Anita

After running with Andy I dropped my kayak in the lake knowing a storm was coming.  The skies deepened, then danced with lightning. I made a couple friends also on the water, I caught up to them as the skies opened up growling with thunder we paddled our little hearts back  to shore! 

I want the rainbow.

"We should just put you out to pasture." close family members banter with me..I am falling apart at the seams. 

Yesterday, I had what I hoped to be my final breast surgery. I didn't advertise it. I am sure I am getting exhausting. Cancer can be exhausting to everyone. 

The Procedure:

Fat grafting, they remove fat from areas of your body and inject that fat around my implants. They do this to soften the ridges and creases. 

Prepping for surgery: Wash for 2 days prior to surgery with DIAL Gold, this soap is a antibacterial. 

Nothing to eat or drink after midnight and then only clear liquids. I snuck a 1/4 cup of coffee in me around 6:30am, surgery wasn't until 12:05, however we had to be at Troy Beaumont at 10:30. And boy was I glad I did that, my surgery got bumped to 1:15pm.

I had to have a driver but I couldn't have any visitors. This made me sad mom couldn't be there, she hast miss one. 

Andy couldn't come back with me due to Covid. I sat in the same room I was in when I had my last surgery. The hospital is so cold, almost damp feeling. I sat in the room alone, uncomfortably familiar. 

Sterile smelling like straight up antibacterial. In front of my tiny room hung a large round clock. You could hear it clicking with the faint sounds of doors opening and closing down the halls.  Gentle chatter from the nurses to each other and the patients. This chime would interrupt all these sounds. For over an hour I listened to it until I didn't notice it. They let Andy come back and actually stay with me for the last hour. 

I saw Pam Johnson outside my room, she was my surgeon for the Mastectomy. Then Dr. Hainer steps in connecting with all of us. "Look Guys, its a reunion, we are all back together." I laughed to see them. Pam told me she wears the personal cape I gifted her all the time, her grandkids love it. 

Dr. Hainer is my plastic surgeon, the one who would be doing the fat grafting. 

As Pam walks away, I hear her telling someone in the hall "She is my favorite patient". I smile. 

"Ok Anita, remove your gown from the top" Dr Hainer says holding his pen.  I am standing up and he is crouched down inches from my boobies. Not awkward at all.  

Then he asked me to lower it more so he can see my belly, assessing where he would be drawing fat. The belly is typically the number one spot. I knew I was in trouble when they weighed me and I am down to 106lbs. As soon as he looks at my belly he grunts "Ugh, Anita." The last time he saw me I was 109 and he as excited I had belly fat. But this time he was challenged. 

With him still hunkered down he told me to remove my gown all the way. I was taking back, my special place was at his eyes. Andy quietly laughed, he could tell I was mortified. 

As he looked my body over for fat he was struggling UNTIL...he saw my saddle bags. He then had a big smile on his face, "OH! This is good, this is our friend!"  

I have had dimples and saddlebags almost my whole life, I was glad that was where he would be drawing the most fat from. 

With blue markings on my thighs, the inside of my legs and between my knees I got back into my bed and things began moving. The nurse came back, she put some relaxing juice in my IV. Within seconds I felt myself getting woozy. I said goodbye to Andy and as they put the mask over my face and told me to breathe deeply. I was still awake when they brought me into the surgical room. I saw a big tray of implements and asked if those were all mine. She said that's just a few! 

That is the last I remember. 

Pic 1, my Beaumont socks, I have a collection. Pic 2 they put the IV in my hand bc I can not have anything done on my right side due to my lymph nodes being removed. Pic 3 DR. Hainer took fat from my inside legs, funny place to have fat! Bottom left, I couldn't get the blood to stop, Austin cleaned it up for me. Pic 5 bruising on outside thighs. Pic 6, they buried me in towels at post opt, I couldn't quit shaking. 

I could barely wake up in the discharge room. My whole body was shaking uncontrollable. They continued to give me more hot blankets. I tried to open my eyes only to fall back to sleep. An hour later Andy was getting me dressed and I was being wheeled out to the car. 

I couldnt wait to get home.

I had a pocket of fat removed from both my knees. It wouldn't stop bleeding, Austin cleaned it up for me. 

Soreness. A lot of blood draining and soreness. Dr. Hainer also drained a cyst I had on my back, that was causing a lot of discomfort. The wound leaked through my bandages and ruined my blouse with blood. When we arrived home both the boys were home from working.  Austin was very attentive to me. He cleaned my blood up and was very sweet.

They put me in this one piece garment that looking like a water suit. I have NO idea how they squeezed me into it. I didn't know that the crotch was open! It is supposed to make it easier to go "Potty" as Dr. Hainer puts it.
It wasn't that easy, I peed all over it!
My legs are all kinds of bruised. Tender.

That is just some of the bruising!

I rested all night with that corset thing on but I couldn't sleep in it. 

In other news. Dr. Abraham put the results to my MRI in my portal. He asked "PLEASE" go see Dr. Lewis, you are going to need surgery."
"Susceptibility artifacts are demonstrated along the lateral aspect of the knee joint and in the Hoffa's fat pad adjacent to the distal fibers of the anterior cruciate ligament.." blah blah blah.. In a nutshell My meniscus is torn and it looks like I have fragments in there causing the knee to lock up.
I see the surgeon for my knee next Monday.

I kept my surgery yesterday on the down low. Mostly, because I am low and I have exhausted people.
I am struggling in a dark place for the last couple weeks.
I am struggling with myself and quite frankly others.
People are people. "Expectations are premature resentments." This is my ugly honesty.
When I struggle I tend to isolate myself. It is a form of protecting myself.  And possibly others.
I shut down. I had a couple friends reach out to me yesterday, it was very nice. It meant a lot.
I just needed to be alone. I can't protect others from myself when I am in this dark place.

One day at a time. I am trying to wrap my head around another surgery. Trying not to get any more frustrated and discouraged.

I have these moments that make me laugh. Like yesterday with Pam Johnson. She said she was sad for me to hear I had Plantar Fasciitis in both feel.  And my torn meniscus. I blamed it on CHEMO.
Dr. Johnson laughed at me, "Anita, that Chemo saved your life..." I replied "I KNOW, but I am blaming everything on Chemo, You saved my life!"
Sometimes it is a few words, a little dialogue, even a smile to make you feel better.
I am grateful to mom, Andys mom for making us dinner and dessert last night. She even brought over my favorite Greek salad from Highland House. But the amount of love, concern and thoughtfulness means so much to me.

Special thanks to all those that reached out to me yesterday. Cancer Sucks. My broken body sucks.
Keep on keeping on.

“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” —Dolly Parton
I want the rainbow.
Anita~