Its the little Things

I stopped, turned around. I walked closer to the edge of the dirt road. My heart was pounding, sweat was trickling down my back and my hands started to shake.
I felt the quiver of emotions gently rising. The sun hugged my back, warming me with comfort and peace.

Jeremiah 15:18

Why has my pain been perpetual And my wound incurable, refusing to be healed? Will You indeed be to me like a deceptive stream With water that is unreliable?

Tears softly rolled down my cheeks as I gazed across the rustic pasture. A small stream, almost hidden made its way towards where I stood. The trickling of the brisk November water made a heavenly hum as it danced through the high grasses and rocks. It seemed as if it appeared from no more. A mystery.

"For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.  My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;…"PSALMS 139:13-15

Emotions were so tangled within me, I felt each one slowly unravel. I was no longer standing, I kneeled down in humility, giving God thanks, asking for forgiveness in my brokenness.

I stared out at the calmness that was encompassing me. Questioning what had happened to me, what was this turmoil that had twisted me, I felt more tears warm my cheeks.

Running always helps to unwind me. I looked through my morning and wondered if it was one particular thing or if it was everything added together.

My sleep was restless and broken. The dogs whimpered at 5am to go out. Begrudgingly, I stepped out of the warm bed to let them out.
Was this the culprit of my emotional breakdown?

Coffee is always a soothing morning routine. However, my Keurig was spewing coffee grounds at me like the exorcist.
Was it my lack of coffee and my new broken appliance that bound me up?

I wanted so bad to have it all together. I thought back, or was it the hubby?
Was it Andy throwing things around this morning because he too was having a bad morning?
But even Andy recovered with a heartfelt apology, calling himself a "Douche". I smirked at his apology text, it really was endearing.

I thought back a couple miles before I rested at this place.
I saw a tree.
Its silhouette was perfectly cut against the vast blue sky. It towered full of strength and age.  Its branches were mangled and all twisted together. The heavy branches grew awkwardly outside of a thick strong trunk. Nothing made sense as the tree looked tangled within itself.
I couldn't remember seeing this old beaten tree. I had ran this route so many times and couldn't remember seeing this beautiful mess.
This was me. I felt like this tree. Most people would never recognize me if they could see me naked of my protecting covering. They may think I was ugly, broken, even disturbed. All the things I am.
I am all knotted up, I am woven together like madness. Nothing makes sense...
But God covers me, protects me from even myself. The turmoil is real to me. But most of you see someone who looks like they have it together. Some might even think I have it made.

Isn't this all of us. Or most of us, the honest ones.
We try so hard to have it all together. We look so pretty from the outside. But when the leaves fall...


I was reminded today, that I am "Fearfully and Wonderfully made." I knelt along that stream emotionally twisted and tangled.
I quit trying to "Figure myself out."
I thought of the "Little Things".
The crisp air cooling off my hot cheeks. The smell of grasses surviving the chilly November weather.
The trickle of the stream as it made it way below the backroad where I stood.
And these were just "The Little Things."

I LOVE old barns. This was still a working farm. History is Beautiful. Isn't she lovely?

You ask "Why do You Run?"
"The Little Things"
It grounds me to a place of Gratitude.
It reminds me of A God that perfectly placed each branch, who weaved every offshoot creating a individual masterpiece.
In his perfection, everything is created. His design gets the Glory. It is a few miles of running outside of myself to see a bigger picture.
I am reminded no matter how my day unfolds, HE is always in control. Give Thanks even in the hard times.

Smile. Find Gratitude. Give Thanks. Stay Humble.

"Oh give thanks unto the Lord; for He is good; for His mercy endureth forever." Psalms 136:1

Anita

One Thanksfull kinda weekend

Gray Skies, sneaking blue

Breathing heavy over the hill.

Startled turkeys fly.

Turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, stuffing, I stuffed my body full.

Thanksgiving Day was great till it wasn't any more. That would be the point my body hated me, my belly looked like I was in my 2nd trimester and I was tuckered out like a 2 year old.

I LOVE being around family during the holidays. Yes, it can be stressful. I am a lot to handle so I always pray that I will practice self control and THINK before I speak. I am loud, ridiculous and can be irritating to the average person.

Most people can only handle me in small doses.

I told someone this past week "HEY, as much as I might drive you crazy, I have to live with myself, think about how I FEEL!"

On Wednesday night, Lacey and I  made 6 costume's for a Turkey Trot at Mott Park.

Andy and I met Ken, Melissa, Lacey, Bob, Rachel and Megan Thursday morning. Bob and Andy were NOT dressing up. They were too "Chicken"!

The race was more of a fun run, untimed. Originally, we were going to run it all together, however; within seconds of the gunshot that plan was gobbled up.

Lacey took off with Andy. Megan stayed with her mom and Bob, her husband, I think was with Melissa.

I looked at poor Ken. He was such a trooper. He has been sick for 3 weeks but came out and put that ridiculous costume on for me. I had to run with him.

The golf course was soaking wet. But we just trudged through it laughing. The bridge was slicker than snot but I even made that fun. I threw my hands out and got as many "HIGH FIVES" as I could from the runners coming across on the other side.

Ken rocked that race, with unknown at the time- pneumonia. I actually thought at one point that he was going to leave me. The last 10th of a mile he slowed up. I saw Andy and Lacey smiling on the side cheering us on.  My eyes were more fixed on a group of 4 runners that all had passed us, I picked it up and passed all of them at the finish. So fun. Ken gave me that smile, the "Way to go smile".

This guy ran over to Ken and I a couple minutes later laughing "OH my gosh, I was watching you pass all the guys at the end, that was great!"   

No amount of running was going to balance the amount of calories I would eat just a few hours later. And I had no guilt. There was a day I couldn't even enjoy Thanksgiving dinner because the food was so rich and heavy. But I work too hard to let that burden me anymore.

Thanksgiving is about FAMILY, Food and Fun. Being Thankful for Family. Embracing one another, loving each other for our differences and our similarities. I can be alone all year, but the holidays only come a few times a year.

I made corn soufflé, mashed potatoes and buttermilk pie. The potatoes were a hit and I made them the night before only to place them in a crockpot on Thanksgiving.

My miles have been down this week. I was really looking forward to running with Lacey today.

It was just her and I today.

We took turns pushing each other. I picked the route. I wanted to run in a different direction. Silly Nita, I picked a hill fest for a route.

Lacey and I chatted for about 6 miles, then we began to get quieter and quieter. So quiet that the last 2 miles all you could really hear was the both of us breathing.

The problem was it was HER last 2 miles. I had to hold the pace over 2 MORE miles and 5 more hills, ALONE back to my house.

My stupid ankle was angry at me and my BUTT was raging at me for all those hills. I felt like Cyclops running all discombobulated.

All I could hear was my breath that last 2 miles home. Trying to keep my mind clear of discouragement I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I jumped at the same time IT jumped. It was a huge turkey. He couldn't get his big old fat body off the ground as he tripped over himself. He was not alone, still laughing, two more turkeys were flopping around in the bushes. They were trying to get a takeoff. Mud and dirt was flinging everywhere as they clumsily flapped their wings into the air directly in front of me. That distraction really didn't last long enough.

I made it home, then I got a fleeting idea, RUN TO 12 miles, its just another half a mile.

My house blurred to my left as I ran pass it. Every step my bright idea dimmed more. My right side (The butt side) was numb and my left side (My ankle) was not longer friends with me.

And just like that I STOPPED and walked home at 11.51 miles.

RUNDOWN

Distance: 11.51

Pace:8:48

Time: 1:41

Collision

"Anything worth doing is going to be difficult."

Fauja Singa:100 years old after finishing the 2011 Toronto Marathon in 8:25

Play time is coming to a close. Its getting to be that time I am going to have to get my head in the game. It frightens me.

My body is struggling.

When we set goals we have to really focus on them. It is sacrifice, sweat and pain.

I can do the sacrifice, even the sweat, but ultra running really has kept me from the pain locker. Its more of a slow death. I am going to need to be more intentional with my pace, focused on my miles and training.

We train to get better. In anything we do, we are going to need to not give up. I think this winter I am going to REALLY need to train. I know how to train easy, but I am only getting older and I am going to need to train hard.

Glass City Marathon

April 22.

Let's get Lacey to Boston!

Anita

My Poor lil ankle.

The sun was shining but I didn't let that fool me. The temperatures were still in the 20's.
Even as I am writing at 8pm I am not thawed out. I am nursing a warm cup of tea wondering how I am going to get through another winter without whining everyday.. multiple times.

I met Paula and Matt out at Holly Rec with a little reservation. The hunters really own the woods right now. I tried to get Rachel to come play with us and even she bailed with concerns of hunters.

In a hurry, I forgot a pony tail holder. I put my pink beanie on with my hair tussled beneath it. I could smell the soft aroma of my hair as the breeze blew.  My clothes came right out of the dryer with the fresh scents of fabric softener. And as a added bonus, I snuck Andy's buff and sprinkled essential oils on it. I was comfortable and surrounded with sweet aromas.  

The trail was camouflaged beneath the fallen leaves. The trees were bare, opening up the woods as never seen before. I could see throughout the forest. It was lovely.  Even in the depths of the woods the trees didn't protect you from the wind that whipped through the hardwood.
Unprotected and vulnerable to the chill that left you stunned, wondering how much more was to come.

With less than 2 miles in, running as delicately as I could, the crisp leaves disguised a hidden rock. My ankle, the weak one, twisted like a bad movie, popping in multiple places.
I winced, I tried so hard to toughen it out but had to walk it out, take a deep breath and mentally accessing myself.
Matt and Paula were very kind. We walked until embarrassment was overwhelming and I decided we should get running again. It was actually great timing, we were heading up a incline.

I have always been in the tale end, I asked Paula to jump in front of me.

We hit the first loop and headed back out for our second loop. We all were in agreement that we had warmed up. We would get an occasional gust of wind but we all feeling comfortable.

As God is my witness, we came to the place I twisted my ankle and wouldn't you know it..I hit the SAME stinking ROCK.
I want to know that stats on how that happens TWICE.

This time a word came out of my mouth that was not very Christ Like. It wasn't the throw your cards in "F-Word", but it blurted out.
"D@*# IT!"  I cried in frustration.

I was the weak link. Again we had to stop because of me. I was mortified. Paula wants to run and I was stealing all the fun.
My ankle was angry, we walked up the hill and we prematurely started running. I pulled up my big girl pants and sucked it up.
Matt was leading with Paula directly behind. That second loop was a lot quieter. The rustling of leaves on the trail was racketing enough. The quietness of our voices was actually welcomed. My mind was exploding with plenty of dialogue.
Like..
"How does Matt keep looking back here to talk to us and hasn't tripped once?!"
"Where are all the hunters, or deer?"
"I'm good, I don't want to see any deer, I'm afraid I will see a bullet right behind it."

We finished up 11 miles. Matt and Paula brought hot water and cocoa. I brought marshmallows.
My ankle felt momentarily better.
I pulled on a big hoodie and my oversized sweatpants covering up my hooker tights.
Matt prepared our cocoas.
It was nice to have a few extra minutes to chit chat and warm up with gooey hot cocoa. YUM.  

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a familiar golden retriever behind us. The owner had her on a leash. I squatted down to pet the hyper pooch. The owner, came over to apologize to us for her dog running after us on the trail without her leash.
Having a dog myself, it really didn't bother me. Its a golden retriever, not a pit bull. I didn't get bothered by it and her dog didn't bother me any more that that stupid rock did.
Oh, if I had someone to yell at for that stupid rock I would have!

I was so worried about my tooshy giving me issues I never thought it would have been my ANKLE!

I snuck in a race..
It should be fun! Wednesday I will tell you about it.

Anita

Breaking in Winter

Three wide, into the Winds

Gray skies, shivering forward

Wintertime Running

After church we always have breakfast. I usually have our plan from Lacey by this time but my phone was vacant from any running plan from her. I waited until after breakfast and when I still didn't hear from her I thought I better touch base. The weather was gloomy, dark and windy. I was secretly hoping that she was bailing on me. I was beginning to see myself in shorts running around the track at GAC all footloose and fancy. The sauna was looking real good too.  Before I continued daydreaming I thought I better touch base.

ME: Was up

ME: Its 17' degrees with wind chill.

Lacey: So sad so cold

ME: U want to run? Or bail? I know you  have an early soccer game.

Lacey: Run run fun

ME: Ok..time

Lacey: No one's bailing. Are you kidding me SUCK IT UP

ME: Ahh!! Ok!!

Lacey was ready to roll. She was knocking on my door 25 minutes later.

Andy was finishing getting dressed to run with us.

We got our butts KICKED out there. We took off into the wind and it seemed like the wind just hit us from every direction.

It was piercing. We just laughed the more we got blasted by the brisk winds. We laughed until even our cheeks hurt. Our words slurred like drunken runners. But our face muscles were not working properly.

Lacey and I were talking way more, so our symptoms were not as serious as Andy's. When Andy did get a word in edge wise we laughed at his blubbering sentences.

I tried to run behind Andy to block the wind but he was running too slow. Somehow, Andy found a sweet spot behind Lacey and I, letting us take the brunt of the wintery weather.

We knocked out 10 miles. And maintained a decent pace.

ATTIRE: NB Running tights, 1 thermal running shirt and 1 jacket. Buff, light weight hat and gloves. Smart wool socks

I wore tights because I was afraid, deeply afraid the wind would cut through baggier pants. AND ugh, they were so stinking tight. I think that is why Andy was actually running behind me. Double UGH!

Its time to SUCK it up I guess. Winter has shown up.

WAHHHHHH.

Anita~

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words!

Today, I found a little surprise that Joan posted on my FB wall.
Pictures from Clarkston Backroads Half Marathon.

Please let me Share with some internal thoughts...

"Smile For the Camera, I'm so Glad that the camera is here while we still look half way decent."

"Hey Look, there's a camera guy, Look natural, shoulders back, smile, look ahead...Natural like I don't see him."

"Ahhh, I could run with butterflies and unicorns, this is the best thing there ever was, I wish this moment never ENDED. It sure is Pretty....."

"Get those Hands UP!! Are we having Fun YET?!!"

"Ohhh Joan, That took all so much energy, I cant feel my arms now!"

"A Camera, here..Oh Lordy, I am dying."

"Don't PUKE in front of the camera..You passed the girl in the striped socks! Don't PUKE! Mac and cheese,where is the mac and cheese?"


Just a little fun with Pics~
Nita~

Calming the Seas for Me

"What sort of man is this that even the winds and seas obey?"

I have read this passage a hundred times. But suddenly it was as if a light went on for me.

Another reminder of how much I am not.

I am just a piece of sand swept up from the sea.

A star unseen.

A blink in time.

A single tear from a grieving heart.

I live each day planned out with intention and entitlements. Never looking at tomorrow like it will never come.

I walk the walk. I say my prayers at night. I put my Sunday best on. I quote scripture and know how to church myself up.

But it becomes routine, traditional if your not careful.
Yes, I believe GOD created the heavens and the Earth.
I believe that He gave HIS son so we could have eternal life.
I believe HE parted the sea and calmed the storms.

But am I living that way. Humbled, broken, modest.

I hear my words echo behind me with no way to detach from them.
My thoughts trail off into darkness with raging conviction and confusion.
I respond without thinking unrecognizable to even myself.

Andy playfully put his cold hands on my back a couple days ago. Without a breath I shrieked "DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!"

I saw my countenance in the bathroom mirror. I was horrified.
Andy laughed but cautiously stepped aside "Anita! Seriously what is wrong with you?! Why is that your first response? What happened in your childhood?"

I stare in the mirror and that person looking back at me is so foreign from the person I want to be.

I am so far from perfect, I am a perfect mess however.

I will fail you.

I will disappoint you.

I will confuse you.

I will hurt you.

I know because I do it to myself.

"What sort of MAN is this that even the WINDS and SEAS OBEY"

Tuesday Nights is our Addiction night at our church. I am surrounded by about 300 addicts, alcoholics, family and friends and people struggling.
They are tattooed, tainted, troubled and turned away from society.
Misfits.
They are there marked and transparent. Everyone knows their sins.

WHAT if we walked out with our sins tattooed across our skin for the world to judge.

All our thoughts, our words, our actions blunt and apparent to all.

It makes me want to curl up like a baby.

BUT there is a GOD, Someone BIGGER than you and I and the heaven HE created.

And HE DOES LOVE this beautiful mess when many others may not. He sees me on the other side of the sea HE has parted just for me.
He RAISES ME from death and DEFEAT.
He didn't just FEED 5000, He fed me with Life Everlasting.
He walked on water just for this Broken Mess.

"Why are you afraid? Oh ye of little FAITH?"

Why are you afraid? Why am I afraid? I am church, rehearsed and versed.
I am honest to you, Judge me if you may.
He is My GOD. I know He LOVES me. He accepts me when I wonder why others do not.

HE IS GOD.
I am NOT.  
Let go of being your own God. Let it all go.
Let HIM Calm the Storms in Your Life.
Even in your imperfections You are amazing.


READ Mathew 8:23-27

Sending sweet prayers and love to JUDY~
Anita~

I miss..

The problem with routine is when you no longer have it you struggle.
All summer Ken and Matt and I ran.
We ran 16 miles. It was like clockwork.
In the beginning, I was shy and quiet just trying to figure out what my place was, where I fit in.
I didn't know these guys from Adam.
I took to the tail end as we ran through Holdridge.
Many Mondays it was 90 degrees by 9am. I am pretty tolerant to the heat, that was my saving grace.

I was able to keep up. Or maybe they were just slowing down.
Slowly, I started sharing "Me". I allowed "Anita" to start coming out.

We had a great summer. We would run and after our runs I would have peppers cut up and Ken would have Watermelon to share. Matt, he could barely remember to take the garbage out.

The summer is over. All that summer training lead us all to our races. Races, recovery, tapering, our Mondays have fell apart.

Today, poor Ken got sick, I am sore from Backroads half Marathon and Matt was pouting because we bailed on him and his wife Paula.
I could have ran with the two of them, but it would have been turtle slow. Paula is stallion fast.

I bailed and hit the gym.
I was so excited to see Jeff. Jeff is a retired male version of me. He is one of my favorite people. I laugh practically the whole time I am with him. He is so goofy.
"Hey Nitagirl, what are you doing today?"
I replied, "I don't know, whatever you are doing!"
He started off with abs using the wheel. My belly is sore already. Its funny, you get all done and feel like you have a body builder 6 pack..then you sneak at peak...yeah no.

Ken was doing a 2 mile time trial. I got my paybacks. I stayed on his heals coaxing him alone like a royal PITA.

Our 8:24 min/mi felt great. Glad it was only for 2 miles! I did however run 4 miles on the track total.
We finished up and stretched. I saw dad in the PT area on a bike. We went over and chatted for a minute.

Jeff headed out.

I headed back for more. I jumped on the TM for a mile of strides.

5 miles.
Core
Legs
Sauna..Ahh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
My routine has changed a lot. I miss running with Danielle on Thursdays. I miss our summer Mondays.
I miss not having a tooshy that's not sore everyday.
I miss the 90 degrees.
I even miss training for something.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But I Have Glass City in April to look forward too. I think! Oh training in the winter. I DON'T Miss THAT!

Anita